Understanding the N continuum ( Bell Curve)

[Julia]

According to Martha Stout ' The Sociopath Next Door', there are about 4 sociopaths for every one hundred people or 1 in 25. The disorder is present in childhood, so this is about one per classroom in schools. This equals  4 % of people, which is slightly over two standard deviations from the average (See the graph - don't freak out from the greek symbols I will explain it..)

I know many of you were probably with Ns who are, or almost are, sociopaths - that is how it was so easy for you to diagnose them and end up at WoN. But regular (garden variety) Ns have less severe traits, can manage to stay married for a decade or more, and are certainly more common. The way I had it explained to me that finally made sense is that empathy and behavior is on a continuum that can be understood (practically and mathematically) as a bell curve. THe curve is a basic tool, and all the interpretation is mine, not from a book, but I am basing it on Martha Stouts 4% sociopath/psychopath number, my understanding of average, standard deviation, and my own study and experience. So this is not hard science, just a way to get a picture of the empathy continuum.


                                                             Empathy Bell Curve



    Hitler   psychopaths   NPD/N-traits    Average       WoN folk   CZ      Mother Theresa
                        

This is a bell curve, it can be used to represent characteristics of large populations, like height, or IQ. In this case we are talking about the entire range of empathy and generosity (incl. lack of empathy and selfishness). Each of us, and our Ns, could be mapped somewhere on that curve, just as each of us could on a curve for height, or IQ. At the far right, in the green near the 3, is extraordinary empathy and generosity (e.g. Mother THeresa). Mother THeresa is probably about 2-3 standard deviations MORE empathetic than the averagely empathetic person. The average person  would be graphed at the very peak (middle) of the bell curve. Everyone else has either above-average empathy (everything to the right of the center line), or below-average empathy (everything left of the center line). So on this graph, blue is approximately average empathy, either exactly average or a bit above or below average, but still a fairly reasonable person to deal with. 68 % of people fall in this range. The reason the blue is the biggest is because 68 % is most people.

Many here at WoN would be in the pink section on the empathetic side (right), average Ns are probably in the pink on the left side,  psychopathic Ns (NPs) are in the green on the left side, or just over the line into the pink on that side. The math is that only 2 % are in the green, only 0.1% at the extreme far edge where the color green is too thin to be seen ..e.g. Hitler. If sociopaths (NPs or Ps) are ~4% of people, then they are anywhere from the very far left part of the pink into all the green on the left hand side of the graph.

We can use this curve to guesstimate  the % of people who are NPD or have Serious N-traits. They would be those whose empathy is more than the Ps but less than the most generous definition of average (blue). It is about 12 % of people, or 1 in 8, which fits my basic experience. We can guesstimate the total % of Ns + NPs + Ps (AKA people to avoid...)=15.8 %. I got this by adding 11.7% (most of the pink-left side = NPD) + 4%(green + a bit of the pink-left side= NP or P) + 0.1% (no color-left side= Hitler, et al) = 15.8 %  or about 1 in 6 are either N or P.

Fortunately, this also means that about 16% of people are in the pink and green on the other side of the graph and are real gems, far more considerate, giving, and empathetic than average!!!

In practical terms, this means if you line up 100 people, approximately 68 will have average empathy, 12 will be NPD or very Nish,  4 will be psychopaths, 12 will be very kind, and 4 will be exceedingly wonderful and generous, almost saints.

I hope this made sense and helps some people picture the scale between average person, to selfish jerk, to N traits, to NPD, to MN, to NP, to off-the-charts Psychopath serial killer. Or, better yet, from average, to kind, to very generous and understanding, to CZ, to off-the-charts sainthood.

Where would the Ns in your history map out?  

Julia

[CZBZ]

Awesome post! Thanks for explaining this, Julia. It helps to have a visual graph and then use the percentages to calculate the numbers of people we meet in an average day. Kinda shocking to find out that so many people lack the empathy we assume everyone has for one another!

If you think about meeting a N or a P using your numbers, there may be a little bit of 'bad luck' involved. The numbers alone tell us how important it is to educate people about narcissists and psychopaths or anyone 'lacking' the capacity for empathy. Imagine sitting in a room of one hundred people and not realizing that 1 in 6 is a N or a P? (your numbers correlate with other psychologist's cumulative numbers about people with personality disorders).

Narcissism

What's even more dangerous for people like ourselves is that our society revers 'narcissistic behavior'. We idolize celebrities, heroes, CEOs, anyone who is driven to achieve no matter the cost to personal relationships. So think about meeting a narcissist this way:

You are in a room with a lot of people. A small number of those people will STAND OUT from the crowd. They'll appear to be charismatic perhaps. Intelligent likely. Achievers, movers and shakers, up-and-coming successes in the making. One of those super stars smiles at you and might even pay attention to you which of course, feels good because he or she is an admirable person (at least superficially). You smile back and appreciate meeting someone who has ambition (like yourself), is working towards success (like yourself), appears to be a 'good catch' and from everything you can tell, IS a good catch. A great guy. A great woman. Someone you can respect and want to live your life with.

What you don't know is that 15%+ or -, is incapable of bonding to YOU. May never be capable of emotional attachment, or empathic connection. May never consider YOUR welfare on a par with their own.

I believe that our society is mostly ignorant about the impact of narcissism on other people. It's easy to look at psychopathic con-artists and understand the damage they do to other people. But the narcissist continues to go undetected. Unless of course, he or she is in the Green Zone when their sadistic traits and/or exploitative nature is too obvious to deny. (Is anything ever tooo obvious to deny? Not in my life, LOL!) Still, the malignant narcissist or sociopath is much easier to spot than the manipulative narcissist, what we call a Garden Variety Narcissist.

As far as the narcissists I've known? I don't believe I've ever met a malignant narcissist other than Sam Vaknin and we've only conversed via the Internet.  

However, I witnessed a dramatic increase in my spouse's narcissism at the time of divorce, when his infidelity was 'outed' by the whole family. He became so much like a malignant narcissist that I wondered why on earth I'd ever love a guy like that. Then it dawned on me that he had not always been that way. Getting older, having a work crisis, me getting very sick for a while, having rebellious teenagers, and stock falling as the last straw and I watched a Garden Variety Narcissist turn into a man I didn't even recognize. It was horrible.

Until this happened though, his 'narcissism' was more or less tolerable. He was definitely a mover-and-shaker, a topnotch executive with a lot of ambition and stamina. He was what most folks would call: A great catch.

In a room of one hundred people, my X would Stand Out. He's that kind of leader. I would peg him somewhere around the Pink Zone for NPD though he was truly a meanie greenie at the end of our relationship!

And for my Dad who is fairly arrogant (part of his generational attitude about men as superior beings), I'd peg him in the blue zone for N-ish behavior. That's because he does things to work through his selfishness and self-centeredness. His religion being the most important means for correcting his attitude and it has worked wonders in my Dad's life over the years.

For other Ns in my life? Well, let's take my sister who lives with me. The one with bipolar. I'd peg her in the blue zone, too because she is self-aware, seeking therapy, trying to work through her conceit. LOLLOLLOL!!! She is conscious of her self-focus and working to change that which keeps her OUT of the pink or green zone.

How's this for a family tree?????????????   There are many reasons why I've remained extraordinarily interested in narcissism and the wide range of narcissistic behaviors. I started out learning about my X because it made no sense that he had not attached to his family after thirty-four years of relationship. From there, I began to learn about varying degrees of N-ish behavior and realized that I had learned to accommodate narcissistic people since I was in diapers.

However, I may have a different 'take' on my accommodation skills because in my life, this has been a strength. Not a weakness. Out of all the people I have 'accommodated', very few have been malicious or cruel. So I see my childhood and my patience with narcissistic people as a learning experience preparing me for my life today. This is the way I have reframed my experience and it might help some of you come to peace with the terrible things that happen to us.

Of all the people I've come across in my life, only a few have taken advantage of my patience, my understanding, and my belief in their ability to 'change' destructive behavior. Only a FEW. It would be a sorry shame to let those few people overshadow all my other relationships that are NOT narcissistic. I continue to trust until proven untrustworthy and when that 'rare' situation occurs, I know How To Let Go and Walk Away.


Hugs,
CZ
 

[Reflector]

I believe that our society is mostly ignorant about the impact of narcissism on other people. It's easy to look at psychopathic con-artists and understand the damage they do to other people. But the narcissist continues to go undetected. Unless of course, he or she is in the Green Zone when their sadistic traits and/or exploitative nature is too obvious to deny. (Is anything ever tooo obvious to deny? Not in my life, LOL!) Still, the malignant narcissist or sociopath is much easier to spot than the manipulative narcissist, what we call a Garden Variety Narcissist.
 

I love your metaphor about the Garden Variety Ns. My STBXW vacilated back and forth from the GV to the green.  She'd move into the green whenever she needed to get her point across and dominate.  Over the years, she only had to give me a certain look (a fire or spark in her eyes) to alert me that the Green monster would surface if I didn't yield to her wishes.

[CZBZ]

Dear TroubledReflector,


It sneaks up on you. Your behavioral changes in reaction to the narcissist's intense anger and maybe even rage, 'sneaks up on you.' We start out fighting back, not physically of course but at least we verbally defend ourselves when we're attacked out-of-the-blue.

A quick rebuttal doesn't work and so we do the next fancy step in the N-taNgo. We try to understand where they are coming from. That makes us feel utterly confused because there is no rational for their behavior and so we do the third step in the N-taNgo: we look for reasons why they're the way they are---in the past. Maybe in their childhoods.

So okay, now we have determined through our desire to understand, that there are precedents in their past that have caused them to react the way they do.

Now comes the fourth step: we try to understand, forgive, and reassure the narcissist that the past-is-past and they can trust us. Which of course, we believe is the path to CHANGE because this is how WE would like to be treated by someone we loved.

But it doesn't work. So we go back to square one and Defend Ourselves.

When we tire of defending ourselves or feel bad about reacting in ways that are out-of-character, we give up on change (feel helpless) and become hyper-alert to any sign that the narcissist is about to blow his or her top! All it takes is a certain 'look' and we know what we're in for trouble, because even if we aren't conscious of the pattern, we recognize it subconsciously. We start doing everything we can to 'please' the narcissist or 'appease' the narcissist so he or she doesn't get angry or attack us or the kids or the dog or the neighbors or whoever they can target for the moment.

It is such a relief getting away from the narcissist's volatility and unpredictability (when you don't understand narcissism, you can't figure out WHAT sets them off until they're screaming!). You start to trust reality again because normal people don't punch the waiter in the nose if the pizza is five minutes late. Normal people are able to tolerate frustration and they certainly don't take it personally if they are not the center of everyone's attention.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through with your soon-to-be-X-wife, TR. I hope you are feeling safer and more secure and comfortable in your own skin after leaving the unpredictable N behind.


Hugs,
CZ

[Reflector]

Hi CZ,

I've been foggy these days feeling inertia from the stress of defending my DD from a bullying situation. I learned so much about the subject through this ordeal, but presently don't want to know any more (for at least another week until I regroup) -- all this to say -- I didn't even see your response to my comment until today....

Your insight into the dynamics of relating to an N sent healing impulses to me.  I'm usually the one who describes these scenes and not the other way around. It's refreshing to have someone mirror what I intimately have experienced -- yet something I wish no one ever had to intimately live.

Before I received any N education, the N-Tango caused me to collapse just as you described.  I knew it was a game that ended in futility, so I gave up when it came to confronting many areas of life. My story is like the baby elephant that could not budge the peg from it's chain and later in life operated on the same assumption even though as an adult the elephant did have the power to move that peg, but never tested his new strength. 

What my stbx doesn't know (or doesn't suspect) is that I'm reviving and taking back the power I once lost.  What I don't understand is how this toxic person keeps reappearing in my dreams like a shadow -- images of being in my life but not a part of it?  I believe in the power of dreams to reveal aspects of our life experience, but when my stbx appears, I'm disturbed and baffled as to why my subconscious would bother?  Can you shed any light on this?

Thanks,
-- TR