"I'm just fine."

[Reflector]

I lived my childhood surrounded by lots of N drama, but I thought this was normal... the fate of every human being.  I couldn’t make sense of my surroundings, so that left me in a state of confusion and guarded detachment. The world was a N boot camp just waiting for you to trip and fall into a ditch with no one to help you get out.  

Of course N abuse comes in diverse forms but most often it operated in insinuating ways, and so as a boy I learned to bear it silently behind a facade of “Everything is just fine”. The bruises were inside where no one could see them anyway.  

My view and experience of love and affection was also just as disfigured. Again, insecure love is a distortion of life, but when you've lived with it most of your life it feels normal and you just don’t question it. In my adulthood, I entered the lowest valley of my life where I quietly and slowly lost myself to a N spouse. My sense of peace laid flat on its back with all four feet proped up. If anxiety and depression could describe my condition, I wouldn’t have been able to say, for I was too numb to feel.

I became as invisible as I could, flying under the N radar as much as possible -- making myself as small as I could to escape the N tantrums of life. If I saw an acquaintance on the street, I’d walk on by pretending not to notice him or her, because I simply did not have strength to interact. I stopped caring how I appeared, whether my hair was cut well or not, what clothes I had on... Any photographs taken of me during this period revealed the empty eggshell existence. There was no sparkle in my eyes, not even a trace of joy or spontaneity… and as Randolph Bourne says… “haunted with a constant feeling of weakness and low vitality which makes effort more difficult and renders (one) easily fainthearted and discouraged by failure.¨

Friends could see how I lived under the pangs of anxiety more than I was willing to admit. The reflection in their eyes told me something was wrong, but I prefered to live in denial, so I became reclusive. As Susan Ariel Kennedy wrote, “We become hypnotized by isolation, and think we’re doing it all by ourselves. Our self-supporting skills are not developed, so when people cancel or disappoint us, we can feel a lack of support. Support is usually very close by, and we haven’t learned how or when to ask for it. This can all be changed by studying and practicing new ways of giving and receiving support.”

I found some sense of relief in my routine of domestic chores. In some odd way I was learning an indispensable lesson: to be self-motivated even though my activities were “unsung, unseen, and unsupported”.

It was in the midst of this Cinderella scenario, that the survivor instinct awoke inside me -- when Hope entered inside me through a pin hole saying my life was about to change though I had no idea how.

What began to grow inside me was that I no longer expected others to understand me as I once "needed" them to. If someone understood me I'd be grateful! If not that too was now acceptable. It used to amaze me that though I described my past, EVEN THEN, well-intentioned people would give me this or that advice having no idea what N meant. I realized it was not my responsibility to convince anyone about the validity of my story. That had been my first step to freedom.

So, this is a little bit of my testimony -- a man lost in the land of N, but now in the process of recovery… The underlying motive that now compels me through each day is the search for connectedness -- authentic connection – seeking to share rich, satisfying, deep thoughts and feelings.

© Troubled Reflector

[LettingGo]

TR, I would have to re-copy your entire post to tell you what part I related to the most. I related to everything you said. I am so glad that the N could not destroy that beautiful gift you have inside you to express your experience so well. What an amazing writer you are. Are you still in contact w/the Ns in your life?

 

I realized it was not my responsibility to convince anyone about the validity of my story. That had been my first step to freedom.

Yes, all that matters is you endured and survived the N. Some are unable to relate or even understand, thus it is impossible for them to validate because they lack the first hand experience of knowing the torment.

The underlying motive that now compels me through each day is the search for connectedness -- authentic connection – seeking to share rich, satisfying, deep thoughts and feelings.

WoN is a great place to get connected & share our unique experiences that we all have in common.

[SusyP14]

I realized it was not my responsibility to convince anyone about the validity of my story. That had been my first step to freedom.~TroubledReflector

Stepping outside of needing the validation of others is a fantastic first step in any recovery program.  It is essentially impossible to explain the damage that exposure to pathology causes to other people.

Most people only know how frame things based on their own experiences.  When told about the horrors of living with constant invalidation, they can only imagine that you are exaggerating things which makes you feel 'double' invalidated. And then it turns into a vicious cycle of a dog chasing his own tail.

You don't feel understood at home, you don't feel understood when you try to explain where you have been, so you then internalize shame and decide that no one in this world can be trusted with your deepest fears.

But you have now found us!!!  A place where you will feel understood and can tell your story without fear.

[Reflector]

TR, I would have to re-copy your entire post to tell you what part I related to the most. I related to everything you said. I am so glad that the N could not destroy that beautiful gift you have inside you to express your experience so well. What an amazing writer you are. Are you still in contact w/the Ns in your life?

LettingGo,

My eyes moistened when I read the lines above. Uh, that's a man's way of saying I was deeply touched. Thanks for relating to my post -- ur -- my experience. It's a good feeling to feel you've reached home.  As far as contact with the Ns in my life, I keep in contact with my Nf as he is aging. It's pitiful to see how isolated he is. I have contact with my STBEX only because of my daughter. I've done my best to stay away from any of the others.

[Reflector]

I realized it was not my responsibility to convince anyone about the validity of my story. That had been my first step to freedom.~TroubledReflector

You don't feel understood at home, you don't feel understood when you try to explain where you have been, so you then internalize shame and decide that no one in this world can be trusted with your deepest fears.

But you have now found us!!!  A place where you will feel understood and can tell your story without fear.

What an amazing way to describe the alienation that we go through. It's enough to feel misunderstood at "home" and in public, but add to that the pathologizing and you can sink to the bottom pretty deeply... I know I did.  Thank you for such thoughtful words from the heart SusyP.

[LoisLane]

  TR!  Excellent post!
LL

[peartree]

Welcome TroubledReflector,
ace post and hope you find what you need here
peartree x

[eyes_up]

HI TR, I enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for telling your experience.

What I have discovered is that if I am connecting with myself and am grounded in that then connecting with others just happens. Of course depth varies in all people.

Again , thanks for speaking up on at least a piece of your experience/process.

eyes_up

[LettingGo]

TR, I am interested in hearing more about your experiences w. Nf & STBEX from a male perspective. Your voice is unique & greatly appreciated at WoN. What a kind person you must be to care for an aging N, after all the hell you must have endured from him. That is a Super Natural kind of strength I know I definitely don't have at this point in my life. God bless you for your amazing mercy & grace towards the Nf. Because I too was born into the Kingdom of N (KON), I am interested in hearing about the different roles family members played in your KON -- when you are ready to share more.

Again, glad you are here!
LG

[Reflector]

TR, I am interested in hearing more about your experiences w. Nf & STBEX from a male perspective. Your voice is unique & greatly appreciated at WoN. What a kind person you must be to care for an aging N, after all the hell you must have endured from him. That is a Super Natural kind of strength I know I definitely don't have at this point in my life. God bless you for your amazing mercy & grace towards the Nf. Because I too was born into the Kingdom of N (KON), I am interested in hearing about the different roles family members played in your KON -- when you are ready to share more.

Again, glad you are here!
LG

LG  Thank you for your comforting encouragement.  I'm between classes right now and therefore need to be brief.  I will be posting more soon about the topics you mentioned.

[yesIam]

My view and experience of love and affection was also just as disfigured. Again, insecure love is a distortion of life, but when you've lived with it most of your life it feels normal and you just don’t question it.

Disfigured:  what a perfect way to describe it.

I love your post.  I also realized, in the healing process, that I really had no idea what Love feels like.  I have had glimpses, but when you've been conditioned by a messed up family, it's just really hard to understand that Love isn't about being "just fine" and having no needs. 

Thank you for sharing your lovely writing.

[Reflector]

Disfigured:  what a perfect way to describe it.

I love your post.  I also realized, in the healing process, that I really had no idea what Love feels like.  I have had glimpses, but when you've been conditioned by a messed up family, it's just really hard to understand that Love isn't about being "just fine" and having no needs. 

Thank you for sharing your lovely writing.

Hi YesIam

Thank God for the glimpses as they give us clues which way to go.  Many thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment with depth and heart.  TR

[Reflector]

TroubledReflector.. I know the female N's are somewhat different than male N's.. what sorts of experiences did you have with the stbx if you can share some with us ?    I remember reading on a few forums, & the men's experiences did vary some..

  Thanks SEFG for dropping by. Okay, I'll give you a glimpse of the N version I had to deal with coz as you know there are many out there.

Portrait of my stbx (covertly n)

-- interpersonally exploitative -- monopolized my time and energy
-- expected constant attention, dedication, admiration
-- sweet when she wanted something then forgetful or busy when it was time to fulfill her end of the agreement
-- jealous of anyone or anything that attracted my attention -- even pets
-- could not and cannot tolerate setbacks
-- dismissive
-- unable to cope with disagreement and criticism
-- treated me royally in public, harsh in private
-- used ambient abuse: subtle, freezing cold underground currents
-- had a difficult -- if not impossible time gauging reality
-- charming when she wanted to be