Depression and Post tramatic stress

[May]

 Is depression common for people who grow up with FOO?  If not, why do some have it and why do not others?

 How long can you have post tramatic stress after  the very stressful events? (months, years?)

[eyes_up]

Hi May, I am not sure I understand the first Q about depression but the 2nd one about PTSD  is easy to answer. There is no specific time for PTSD. It is individual. Often it depends on the trauma which causes the stress or really the trauma that causes the anxiety.

Post Trauma stress disorder is an anxiety disorder. I already had PTSD before I engaged with a narcissist. It was of the complex level since it wasn't created by just one but many traumatic incidences there fore it took a longer time to treat.

For some people it actually does go away but for others it does not. No matter what getting the right treatment speeds up recovery and for some this can take years and other what? days or months? It is all over the place.

For me, I have PTSD and it will never entire go away. It is not a problem now. I do not trip up easily and when it happens I have a bunch of tools that reduces the activity of the symptoms. I have had it since child hood.

Also, females experience PTSD much more then males. It has to do with the way the female mind/emotional system works. Men tend to be linear and women are web thinkers . I can recall a radio show that talked all about this. I wish I had the url to share with you but I lost it some time ago.

What is strange to me is that PTSD is anxiety disorder not a stress disorder. STress and anxiety are different experience often considered to be the same.

anxiety is the result of threats that are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.[3]

PT is related to life threatening events. The flight or fight system is involved.

Stress is caused by a stressor rather than a perceived threat that is uncontrollable etc.

Hope this helps.

eyes_up

[May]

Hi eyes,  Did you grow up with n parents? If so, do you think that`s were your PTSD came from?

Alos, I was wondering if those who grew up with parents who are ns, are more pron to depression.

[LettingGo]

I was wondering if those who grew up with parents who are ns, are more pron to depression.

I use to think so until I met other women who came from imperfect loving families and still were depressed.

First of all, you must rule out biological and physiological influences. Women's bodies go through a lot of changes throughout their life time. There are huge chemical and hormonal changes that can acerbate a normal challenging life change like going NC like we recently have done. I have a bias when it comes to the medical profession. I rec. researching a women doc who specializes in hormonal imbalances and rule that out. My former Pastor's wife and his D disclosed a few years ago their battle w/depression. They both had a wonderful life, great marriage, family life, support, huge group of friends, activities, faith, personal relationship w/Jesus yet struggled w/depression. Come to find out that they both had a very low level of hormones, not sure which one, but once they got that leveled out they could fully enjoy life. A normal check up will not discover the med. challenges, you need to go to a specialist.

You recently went NC w/NFOO so be kind to yourself. You have a lot to grieve, believe me I know! Every time the enemy would torment me w/memories of what I don't have in a FOO I use to get so frustrated & depressed over every thought of the NFOO, then someone here mentioned resistance = persistence and I stopped giving power to fighting the memories and let them just pop up and eventually they started to fade like background noise. I also needed to make a conscious effort to get involved w/life and do activities that required my full attention to get my mind off of NFOO. The one thing you don't want to do (for me it was being social) was the one thing I needed to do. Yes, it is true a big part of my life was ending, but an ever bigger part of my life was waiting for me to get back involved and be fully present. Eventually the joys of today surpassed the pain of the past. It didn't happen in a magical moment, but rather a gradual fade of the painful past and the increasing happiness of today.

A question I would ask you, Are you still looking for validation, accountability & remorse from NFOO? In regards to my nSib that abandoned me in my great time of need earlier this year I wanted her to know what her callousness did to me and I wanted her to, as the Merlin videos said, cry tears of true remorse. But she didn't. I wrote her a detailed letter and was going to mail it to her, then I thought I will just keep it and hand it to her when she asked how I was doing & how sorry she was that she couldn't be there for me (she didn't want to cancel her plans), but she never did. She pretended like nothing ever happened, that my H never pleaded w/her to help me. I wanted to express how hurt & angry I was at her N behavior. I needed validation & closure, so I could move on and since I could not get it from her I thought this situation between us would never be resolved.

So how do you move on when there is no closure? For me, I found WoN and other people in 3D world that validated my experience through their ability to empathize w/me. When I felt heard & understood and real emotions from others who I shared this painful experience with I no longer wanted nor needed the nSib's validation because it would just be empty words and meaningless because I now know that nSib is an N & enable to reciprocate love and to keep expecting her to do something she is either unwilling or enable to do is just foolishness on my part. Plus I have a very powerful lie detector and I could see right through her act which would just make matters worse than they already are now.

For me, depression comes from feelings that are not validated and from situations that you want to change, but can not. It comes from unresolved situations. Perhaps you need time to fully express your feelings of going NC w/NFOO.
WoN is a great place to express your feelings. What is behind your depression? Complete the following questions, not w/just one word answers, but everything that comes to mind. The more you write the better.

I am depressed because. . .
and it (the above reason/s) makes me feel (fill in the blank)  because (fill in the blank)

Keep writing until you can't write anymore. Take a break. Then if something else comes to mind write some more.

Again you have a reason for being depressed, but you might have biological reasons (hormone imbalance) that is making matters worse -- Do you have a specialist in your area? A local Woman's clinic might be able to refer a specialist in hormone imbalance. Usually the reg. med doc's have no clue.

If you are feeling PTSD it could be from a trauma from childhood that you have had to suppress or block because you kept the Peace at every cost in your FOO. Maybe now that you have gone NC w/NFOO those feelings are coming to the surface. Is there something painful from your childhood that was unresolved? If so, a great Counselor could help you find closure w/the past.

[May]

Well, I guess you can say that ever since the time of hell that I went through the FOO, I`ve kind of checked out of life. When we moved, I was looking to start a new life and then the so-called friends were not there for us. That was a real blow(to my dh too). These stupid people call themselves "christians."  So that was just another thing to get over(right after the FOO hell,lol) At that time, we started to go to church again but I got sick of the same ol junk there too so I stopped.

I did try and find friends but a couple of them turned out to be mean(one a christian) and the other a user, and the other just self- centered.  Even when I was dealing with the FOO, we lost so-called friends. So I just gave up... and I`m a fighter....I don`t give up that easily. But this time I did. I guess I`m saying all of this because all of this has gotten me to were I am now.

[May]

I understand what you are saying but as far as "pulling up your bootstraps" sometimes it just doesn`t work that way.Basically, I`ve done that all of my life.  But  that analogy doesn`t always work especially when it comes to depression or anything tramatic that happens to a person. If it was that easy, then people would be cured of it. Everything in life is a process. The human mind is complex.

Also, when you have the same thing happen over and over again, one gets tired and starts to feel hopeless and rejected. One can only take so much rejection. Also, what might be easy for one person to deal with, the very same problem could be harder for another person in life. Everybody is different.

[LettingGo]

May, please look into a specialist to rule out a physiological influence. The one thing we must do is realize we are worth the effort it takes to find the best treatment. May, you and I along w/others who were born into the KON spend the majority of our lives being our own worst enemy, not it is time to stop picking up where the Ns left off and start being our own best friend. That concept is so foreign to us and just the taught of self-love and self-care seems wrong, but it is not. God loved us so much that He gave us life and does not just say go and have an okay life, He says go and have an abundant life. You are so right we have learned to be helpless because no matter what we tried we could the change the people in the KON and we could not change the terrible situation, but as you have just recently discovered we can change ourselves in the situation and leave the situation, NC. Healing does take time and each person is different. Please make sure there is not other factors that is hindering your healing. That is first and foremost, you must rule that out or all your effort will be for not. You will be like that salmon swimming against a very powerful brook.

My question to you would be, has life gotten easier since going NC? Has the suffering lessoned over time?

[May]

 I agree about ones choices but however, human beings are complex by nature and as humans, we can only understand so much.  I agree that there are things that can be done to help  but that doesn`t mean  they are the ultimate answer to ones issues. I`m not against a therapist but there are not a lot of good ones out there. Also, when another person hasn`t walked in anothers shoes, it`s hard for that person to really understand were they are coming from. A lot of times they can become judgemental because they don`t get why the other person is not supposivly doing what they need to do. Of course I`m not talking about ns here because they are a completely different bread.

[May]

Letting go,  Oh Yes, it`s definitly gotten easier.  When it all first happened, I thought that I wasn`t going to make it but time has proven that I did make it. Though It took a long time for me to even get were I`m at now. Some of the most recent pain that I feel now is about my sibilings kids. One of them is going through a tough time. But I was thinking that I need to let that go also and if they ever seek me out, then they do. If not, then that`s something that I will have to accept. I did manage to tell the one that is having a bad time that they could contact me if they ever needed anything. So I`m glad that they know I`m here for them. Of course as long as there are not playing narcissitic games like their parents, then I`ll be there for them.

[LettingGo]

May I agree w/you that if you need to find a C who has personal experience w/Ns and being D&D etc. You said there are no good specialist in your area, have you considered over the phone counseling? Susy does this, and she has first hand experience w/Ns. She has been nothing but supportive, encouraging, understanding, & validating w/her comments here @ WON.

I would also rec. doing something fun from your childhood, something physical, like roller skating, bike riding, etc. Life has sucked for us so we want to retreat from it, but we can not. Seek activities first and just spend time enjoying life, don't worry about building new relationships. Concentrate on discovering what you enjoy. You have spent your entire life investing in the lives of Ns and trying to make them happy, now it is time to invest in you.

human beings are complex by nature and as humans, we can only understand so much.  I agree that there are things that can be done to help  but that doesn`t mean  they are the ultimate answer to ones issues.

I believe that Healing is a combination effect. It is the combined effect of all the different things in life that brings healing, support forum, counseling, taking care of your physical being, metal being, and spiritual being, and discovering what brings you happiness in this life.

I find goal orientation counseling works best to give us momentum in our lives. So my question to you is
What is your goal for next week?

[May]

 Letting go, Good question, lol. I guess I should have one.

[LettingGo]

Yes, having goals is a must. It gives our lives momentum and moves us forward instead of staying in the same place.
First goal is to take care of self, rule out physiological influences. Are you getting enough sleep? You might be use to 8 hrs, but when your body is enduring stress like in realizing your FOO is full of Ns, etc. you need at least (1) more additional hour of sleep. Which is a challenge when you are stressed, so another goal is to find ways to de-stress. Bubble bath, candles, fav. music before you go to bed. Do not read, watch tv, or surf the internet right before bed -- I should take my own advice! Get physical, start with a walk around the park, after dinner, then the bath. Eat healthy. Are you doing these (3) things, increase sleep, increase physical movement, and eating healthy (eating your veggies, fruits, proteins, etc).

Depression is also a sign of not taking care of self, so are you doing that?

[May]

Lettinggo, to some extent, yes. I also have m headaches that can go on for days and weeks so that has slowed me down some.

[LettingGo]

Have you decided to look into a specialist to rule out physical factors? That would be a good goal.
So you are getting enough sleep (not waking up exhausted), eating healthy, and moving when you can?