Originally posted November 2005
From: Goaliemom333 (Original Message) Sent: 11/18/2005 10:24 AM I don't know what I would do without this board. I wish I could reply to each and every post, but it's hard. I know you all understand the craziness of it all. But I did something HORRIBLE. I texted him last night and just said miss you.
It was just like the Sex and the City episode I swear. After I hit send I wanted to puke.
I get a text back this morning that said can we get naked? That really sent me reeling. I will not reply and it just reminds me of what a slime he really is. I have to keep telling myself of all the horrible shite that has happened.
What in the hell gave me the urge to do that last night? I am so pissed at myself.
Hope everyone is trying to have a peaceful and pleasant day today. Everyone is always in my prayers.
Love,
Goaliemom
From: CZBZ Sent: 11/18/2005 10:38 AM Dear Goaliemom,
Seems pretty much par for the course to want someone sexually when we have been rejected empotionally. Lots of us have been socialized to think of Sex as a bonding experience. New studies by Dr. Helen Fisher teach us that sex will activate women's oxytocin which increases our attachment to the person we are having sex with. So that's the clinical answer.
Emotionally? Sex WAS commitment to me. Sex had MEANING. Sex was INTIMATE. Once my husbaNd was boinking another woman, I felt drawn to seduce him myself expecting him to 'feel' the same things I did during and after sex. His response to me after thirty-two years and a couple of children?
"Okay...I'll have sex with you but only if it doesn't mean ANYTHING!"
I almost vomited from the emotional blow to my soul...and it was. 'Cuz reducing something as profound as the sexual intimacy between a Mother and a Father to something as ephemeral and meaningless as an orgasm resulted in indescribable pain. But you know what? His blunt and cold response gave me a much needed dose of REALITY.
I grieved his alienation from me as a Beloved just as you are doing. But in the end, we become grateful they were so honest about their inability to be intimate through sex. When the X came back months later and tried to play my 'oxytocin button', he didn't have a chance. Not a chance.
God bless reality...even if it hurts like he**; it's the only place we can take good care of ourselves.
Love to you,
CZBZ
From: found_out_just_in_time13 Sent: 11/18/2005 10:44 AM "I will not reply and it just reminds me of what a slime he really is." Exactly. Sometimes, we do things we regret. I get the urge sometimes to somehow contact my xNW, just to say SOMETHING. Fortunately for me, that's impossible to do because of her bf. He watches her like a hawk (and considering what she did to me by leaving me for someone else, he knows she can do it to him, too). It wouldn't be worth the trouble it would cause. And it wouldn't do anything for me.
No, you shouldn't have texted him, but look what happened. You were reminded of why you are away from him. That's a good thing. It's alright that you miss him sometimes. About a couple of months ago, for over a month, I was doing REAL well. I barely thought of the xNW, and when I did, it wasn't anything good. The past few weeks have been hard on me for some reason. Maybe it's the coldness setting in, maybe it's the impending holidays, but I've been missing her something awful. For every bad thing I remind myself of, it's cancelled by a good memory. I've even dreamed about her the last two days, which hasn't happened for a while.
It's a tough thing, but it will pass for both of us. I was SUPPOSED to have a date last week (that fell through, surprise), and that day I was thinking of my xNW. I'm sitting there thinking that I can't get her off of my mind, so how in the world am I supposed to walk into something with someone else. I couldn't. So it's a good thing that the date didn't happen.
Sorry for turning this around to be about me. I'm just saying that you aren't alone in your feelings, and you don't have to feel bad about them. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, people in your 3D world may not understand, but those of us who are here have been through it. Thank goodness it didn't work out for a little while, and then you would have gotten D&D'ed again. This way, you are reminded, and you won't be hurt as bad as you might have been.
Love you, Goaliemom, and you're right - this place is a God-send. I don't know what I would do without all of you, either.
Dave
From: cheriblossom42 Sent: 11/18/2005 11:29 AM hi mom.
ick.. i feel like being sick too..... honey.... i know.....
i have done those things too... expecting WHAT???? mine would not even reply at all .... i think he is having NC with me....
they are so shallow... i am so sorry, i am sure you are feeling pretty duh right now.... but you are a woman.... you probably DO miss him... i even miss mine at times after soooo very long.....
keep telling yourself.... it helps... when we miss them and then think of the horror.... it does help...
its ok....
cheri
From: RestNowChild Sent: 11/18/2005 11:54 AM Yuck. He sucks!
I miss the MIRROR GUY. You know, the giy who pretended to be everything I wanted and more? The man who made me all sorts of beautiful promises? That guy I miss.
But he wasn't ever even there. He was created with a mirror. And he wasn't ever even real. I miss him. It's kind of like I miss the Prince in Sleeping Beauty.
Cause who the OTHER GUY Is ... the one who would definitely write back, "Can we get naked?" is a piece flaming POO!
Who they REALLY are is so hard to accept. Accepting the unacceptable. ARG! What a horrible ugly awful MUD FILLED thing. It's a war of epic spiritual proportions. It's ok that you texted messaged him. It just hurts like HELL right? I know that ache. In a way, I was lucky (in a unlucky horrible way) that the way xNP left was so criminal and so disgusting and so ultimately all about betrayal and sadism, that I was able to see very quickly that I didn't love him. The way he treated me the last year was ONLY about me missing the original GUY who I loved. Where had he gone? I even said to him (the demon), "Can you go find my BF? Cause I don't like YOU very much at all!"
The person I didn't like or love was who the xNP actually was the entire time. It's all pretty awful.
(((GoalieMom)))) I'm so sorry that the pain is so bad. They suck. They suck so much they could get JOBS cleaning out pools! And fish tanks! Their Suck-osity knows no bounds!
LOVE and EMPATHY!
Rest
From: PracticalJude Sent: 11/18/2005 12:08 PM It's so sickening and painful. There was always a part of me that just wanted to hear his voice. It's too bad the ugly reality of his words go along with that.
I kept emails that he sent to OW that described the "sex" they had. He had also signed them with "Love." They hurt, but were visual reminders of the reality. In the end, they helped me.
Love,
Judy
From: Searay1234 Sent: 11/18/2005 1:04 PM Dear Goldie,
I know that feeling. It is horrible. Especially the SLIME part. I will tell you that when enough time passes, all you will remember, is the injustices, the abusing, the blaming, the chaos, the word salad, the malipulation, and the satisfaction that you will never receive.
I will also add that when you are happy once again, and give it time,....you will appreciate that that nightmare is over, and you won't miss it. And that there truely are better people in the world.
Purge and process, purge and process, purge and process. It's enough to drive you batty. at least for a while.
I can only tell you that after a year and half, I not only don't miss her. But I'm sorry that I ever got involoved with a abusive psychopath in the first place. When I think about her...the only thing that comes to mind is: I want the money back that she stole, the lies that she told, and I sometimes wish that I had the opportunity to be in the relationship again, only to kick her ass out the first time she started raging and cursing at me for some nonexistent ridiculous accusation. I would do that over differently. I was WAY to nice.
Anyway, what you miss is: what could have been, what should have been, and what you wanted it to be. And natually, there are some things about a person that we just miss. But when you look at the whole picture, there is a lot more that you won't miss.
I think eventually, when we are in a loving and functional relationship, we won't miss a damn thing.
Crazy people make us do and think crazy things !!
love,
Sea
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