I'm reading this book, "Women who love too much" (Thank you Susy!) and I'm finding that the Eros type of love is what I had been operating on. I did marry my husband knowing this subconsciously and even thought consciously, "I fell in love for the right reasons (or so I thought); i felt a very passionate attraction to him, I didn't marry him for money (I thought that noble at the time), I could see us "building" together (his house was in utter shambles!), we both like the outdoors, dogs, adventure, travel, want kids, want marriage, both want a red wall in our bedroom (ha!- this being a more lighthearted and humorous one!), I saw him as caring and giving (he remained financially giving to the end and still has continued me to use the credit card for things I need even though I believe it is out of fear that I will ask for more money from our divorce as he has stated it in so many words). I saw all the "feel good" things. What I failed to look at was this: How does he relate to me when I'm feeling lonely or sad? Does he pursue quality time with me and when he does, is he really present? How emotionally mature is he? How self aware is he? Does he accept his past as a path rather than a mistake? How committed has he been in his past? So many things of vital importance that I missed during the physical attraction of it all! Not to mention, moving in right away….my BIGGEST mistake ever! Wow….what a blow to look back and see how weakened of a state I was (and still am frankly) in and so willing to adhere to it.
I believe he too felt the same for me in the way of responding to the passion. We began our relationship by way of Eros. We could not have possibly become friends in two months at which point, I moved in with him!! Yes, we moved in together immediately. I was saving for a home and living with a roommate when my roommate's ex W had died from a tumor in her brain which left her kids needing a place to stay. My roommate then stepped up to help and therefore needed the room which I rented. So, I had been seeing my Nhusband for two months and it was soooo good, so fun, and felt so right even though in the back of my mind, I had a fear of the guy I felt he was or is despite what he claimed to be. He was overly gregarious for my taste (is that the right term for an N?), flirty (Histrionic factor?) and too hot to be that way, very active on his phone texting and emailing or taking calls constantly during every time we spent together minus the time we went into the Sierras where there wasn't any cell service. He seemed to always have some idea brewing or a person that wanted to do "something" with him. I think the challenge of catching "such a guy" intrigued me and I thought that if I could catch that guy, it must mean that I'm "worthy" and therefore "that kind of girl". I dunno….I think that's it anyway. I think back to the red flags for me which I ignored. The first one being his texting me once a day during a weekend wedding he went to after I met him (which he invited me to go to and stay with him the entire weekend!! --hellloooo-a little quick to move, huh?) and expecting me to respond (i didn't text back then) like I was some high school girl. I didn't respond by text, but by phone at the end of the three days of his weekend away. Now texting has become VERY mainstream (even to me because of it's popularity) and I'm not sure if it's used in such a healthy way. The second red flag was discovered when we met up once and (mind you I was casually dating another man whom I had met prior to my N husband which he knew of because I am pretty honest). I observed that after sitting with him for about twenty minutes, he became uneasy and had to go all of a sudden. I responded after he left (taking the bait, hook, line and sinker) asking him if he was ok and what had happened. He didn't come right out and say, "you didn't respond to me in the manner which showed me that I'm undeniably "it" so I had to go and lick my wounds. However, I felt it and it became more apparent to me that was what had happened as time went on. I was very cool at first, as I always am. I'm reserved and I try to see if I can "feel safe" with someone before showing too much interest. Once in the past, I let this same mistake catch me into a 3 and 1/2 year relationship when my then "interest" used the "take away" approach which worked beautifully on me. Again, it was because I was "cool" and didn't show that I was taken by him. It was like I couldn't take being rejected so I scratched more to see if I could bring him back around. When, in fact, I should have accepted that he wasn't emotionally intelligent and mature to understand that it takes time to get that kind of attention from someone. Or at least, it should be that way. After all, who deserves it just because one is attractive and friendly? Hopefully, I'm not missing something else in there somewhere besides my inability to NOT react to these men (also an ability to be emotionally mature myself) and give in to what they were looking for!
I'm not sure that this was very clear in what I am trying to achieve by sharing. Maybe, I'm just sharing or looking for some sort of validation for my actions as either healthy in some ways (so I feel that all is not entirely lost) or that maybe one could point out "something" that could be key to why I behaved as I did….
I am enjoying the book and will get through it quickly as I really want to learn, grow and feel "full" without having someone to give me the "impression" of just that.
I hope to share more as I read….
Thanks all for reading and I appreciate this forum for self discovery, shared pain, validation, and like the Phoenix rising from it's own ashes, recovery and New Life by way of using this site as one of the most valuable tools!!
~Solo
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