The Healing Journey
by Jacintae
There is so much lovingkindness is this forum. But in the early days for me here, although I found it a safe haven of comfort and my head told me that everything that was here was good - it took me a while to really actually move through the stages of changing my feelings towards the N. And for me that was the problem. I could put my hand on my head and knew that everything that everyone said here was completely right but I could put my other hand on my belly and feel that 'gut rolling' that told me that my feelings were still in confusion.
I understand about feeling that the N had a 'sixth sense'. Honestly, at times I wondered if he had some kind of pact with the devil that made him cast a spell over me. That is really the truth. I even wondered if maybe we had met in a 'previous life' and we had some 'unfinished business' that we needed to deal with .......... that's the madness of how it was for me. .
And then came 'flat days'. I would wander around - trying so hard to 'stay in the moment' but would still suffer so badly from those unwanted, obsessive, intrusive thoughts - wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking, if he was thinking of me etc. etc. Last Christmas Day, I stayed with a good friend of mine. My phone rang and I thought it was my family in Ireland so I picked up. It was the N. Nothing much to say except 'season's greetings' and that he was off to a great Christmas party. It was the worst Christmas of my life - I went through the motions of my own Christmas Day but there was not one second the whole day long that I was not wondering where and who he was with.
I too can see why this kind of conflicted thinking/feeling is very, very similar to 'substance addiction'. There is so much internal conflict that just one little 'hit' would fix me. Calm me down - give me peace. No matter what the circumstances of my own day - it seems grey and empty and I feel sad and lonely inside.
But it is getting much better for me now. I have hours and hours when I don't even think of him. I also found anger against him. I am not quite indifferent yet but it is getting that way. I don't really know where the real change point came for me. Somebody in this site (and I can't remember who - sorry) said it's like the neighbour's dog barking - it annoys so much at first but then gradually goes away. I have heard it said that we can only really make change when the pain of doing something different is less than the pain of continuing to do as we do. I believe this. There comes a day when we hit 'rock bottom' - when I had to ask myself if my life was worth living at all. And I was not sure of the answer. Especially on days when he contacted me full of concern and I fell back into the pit again. Maybe, maybe. And then despair again.
To me, getting over an N really is a journey - maybe like climbing over rough terrain up a really steep mountain. Sadly - it does take time and days will pass - bad days, optimistic days, grey days, flat days, lonely days, days of overriding the No Contact rule, days of regret, days of false hope, days of denial, days of determination, days of real hope, days of praying that he might not be an N, all these days make the uphill climb of the journey of recovery from loving an N.There are times when I felt I could never make it, times that I did not even want to make it - days when it just felt 'too hard'.
But somehow I AM making it and now I can look down the steep mountain and see that yes, I am gaining ground. And it is a truly good feeling. And what's more I can see footholds and plateaux above and on a really clear day I can even see the summit. So I know I am going to make it.
And through the climb when I look back, I do see that I got willing and loving hands to help me - maybe I was too sad to see it at times but I did have angels at the really hard bits, who took my hand and helped me over the really tough rocks and eased my path when I felt that I want to lay down and give up. Every woman on this site was one of these angels - I can't see your faces or touch you, but you are there and were there when things were so tough for me. I can really only see it when I look back at my path and see how far I have come. Thank you all.
That's how it is/was for me. It's a challenge but you CAN do it and you will find that if you stick around here that you too will find the angels that I did.
Love
Jacintae
