Empathy for the Narcissist
by Talia, 2005
In gaining knowledge in reading about NPD, I came to learn why an NPD'r doesn't have empathy. And I came to learn why an NPD'r cannot love.
The pain of that knowledge is comparable to being cut with a double-edged knife. The first cut sliced thru my heart when I understood that the "n" didn't love me, never did and never will.
The second cut was just as deep because I understood that the "n" would never know "love" at all.
Yes, I have empathy and it pains me greatly to know the "n" suffered to have to create such a defense against love. At the core of an "n" is deep shame. That's the feeling he must not/cannot experience again. To feel that shame,the "n" unconsciously believes he will die. The "false" self protects him against this at all cost.
When I am in the abyss of feeling abandonment, it feels like dying. I'm not rational when I am in this abyss. There are no rational thoughts that comfort me. No matter what I tell myself, the sheer terror and pain does not go away. It's like free falling from a cliff.
My stomach feels like it has mercury in it. Cold and moving. I don't just think I am alone, I KNOW I am alone. Nobody is there to save me. Panic sets in. A wild captured rabbit in a cage, the heart beating so fast because I can't get out. I'm trapped in this abyss. It's dark, it's like trying to outrun a tornado fast at your heels. And all I know is I am alone, alone, alone. And I am scared. But I do survive this, I do not die. As I am here to write about it.
Loss of love = abandonment to me. I feel all my emotions when this happens. I don't have a "fake" self that protects me from this.
Why have I written about this? It enables me to feel empathy for the "n" and his creation of a "false" self. It enables me to not judge him. I think he entered the world as I did. An innocent child. How can I fault this child that created a "false" self? I have a different perspective I am trying on. Bear with me, as my thoughts on this are new.
The "n" doesn't have the capacity to love. He does not know what love is. If he ever, ever experienced it, it is so far repressed that he himself cannot access it. If it's there at all, he would first have to recognize it's deep within him. His "false' self ensures that he won't. The only part of the "n" I ever knew, was this "false" self. A creation of his imagination.
I have tormented myself because this 'false" self did not love me. It is like expecting a rock to love you back. How can a rock love you? A rock doesn't love itself. I could scream at this rock, ask it why over, over and over again, "How could you do that to me....don't you know I love you?...what do you mean, you never loved me?..how can that be?..do you really mean, that I am nothing to you?..you didn't feel love at all?" And the rock would never answer me, just as the "n" cannot answer me.
How can the "n" answer about what he does not know? Love? He simply does not know anymore about love than a rock.It's not my fault, it's not his fault.
The only thing that is "real" in this world is love. The n's false self is not real. It's a creation. And I didn't know.
This is how I am learning to live with this. This is written based on my experience with the "n". I know my views on judgement may not be shared. Every one has to come to terms in their own way. This is mine.
with love,
talia
