You all get it. Eyes, yes, the comment about creating my own life is what I have been doing since D was born. Detachment is a beautiful word and my goal in every way. And I really haven't cared for years what he does, except that I have lost my dentist, hair stylist, pharmacist, a physician, mechanic, and many new friends who all believed N, since they did not know me very well yet.
Honey, if I consider the level of pure evil, it does make my head spin. Along with telling me about the drawer, my D said, "It's probably just more porno Mom, and what's that matter? It's like when he was looking at it on Christmas Day in 2002, at Grandma's. We just let it go, right?" (She remembered the year because a relative was very ill then.) D assumed I knew what was going on.
I got the gut punched feeling again, because I did not know he was looking at porno on his laptop on Christmas 8 years ago. I never thought to look at what he might have on his laptop until 2 or 3 years ago when he began to deteriorate badly. I had to stop and take a long walk, and I called my former dentist, whose brother is a vet, and explained the whole situation. He agreed to take me back as a patient, and his brother prescribed a generic Xanax-type pill for my dog.
Rb, it was a stroke of genius, and I took half a pill and feel less of the panic now. These are things I would never have known, even that vets gave Xanax. Now it is not something N can cite as evidence that I am unstable, or unfit as a mother. I have needed something for a long time now, and I thank you sincerely.
CZ, the use of what I find in his drawer at work is exactly why I want to find something. I do not know what any particular judge will think of what N has done, it ranges from disgusting to criminal, but the shock of it coming out in court will be what unhinges N. The Mel Gibson audio posted in the Tool Shed forum sounded like N, esp when he snarled and then said in a nicer voice, "Okay?" That really sounded like N to me. Oddly enough, I do not get much adrenaline from that sort of rage, but I get really bad off when he wants to "discuss" something, since that indicates a bigger plot, and one that has results I cannot predict.
If I have a big enough shock for him in court, he will do a "Mel", in front of the judge, and I may be able to get health care continued, or support enough to pay for it myself. It will cost more than I earn right now.
I did not know what I call two-faced had a name, like fractured self, but that describes him exactly. He did this to such a degree that I really did not suspect anything for years. He brought flowers every Friday for 4 years, and when he raged, he spent months apologizing. Most of his anger was directed at his Super-N mother. He treated me well, and blew up twice a year for the first four years. There was some covert behavior and statements, but we had so much travel and good living that N was like a little child, very happy.
Thank you all again. It may not seem like much to you, but what you have given me are real strategies, and today I feel better and more hopeful than I have for a couple of years. If I can offer anything to anyone here, I will.
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