Hi Alma!
Yeah, that repulsion thing, it wasn't anything to do with you so disown that right now.
My therapist says we have to 'externalise the abuser' and when we are with narcs they eventually end up making us treat ourselves the same way they do. That abusive voice becomes something we do to ourselves, when it's really their sickness and nothing to do with truth. As Steve on lovefraud says, "He is the lie, from hello to goodbye."
Lately, I've been seeing clearly how my little stalker had to destroy what he couldn't have. When he realised he wasn't ever going to make me like him, he notched up the manipulation to keep the trauma bond going. When he knew I was having ptsd symptoms, having been suicidal, he sent emails which actually counted down. One day it would be titled '
5', the next '
4' and so on down to '
1' and lastly,
'Are you there?' Creepy little dickhead, or what? He was trying to keep me sick because he couldn't control me with his charming (actually, sickening) love words or sex. I even became addicted to the computer because of the trauma bond.
As you become healthier you can see their sickness more clearly. I know he had worries about his sexuality as he said he often worried that he wouldn't be able to perform, and believe now that he could only be sure of that when he was in a position of power. The erectile dysfunction started when there was a threat of intimacy, or when we started to become real women. I remember when he couldn't manage to keep an erection it immediately became my fault. Yeah, right. But it happens with every woman you're with. Talk about deflect!
"I was with someone a while ago but we had to stay friends because her body wasn't that great."
"I was going to take her virginity as a favour but she was so depressed it turned me off."
"I wish I could arrive at women's front doors with my trousers down as it would save a lot of talking if they could see that."
Now the trauma bond has gone I am so shocked that I would hear things like that and not run for the hills immediately. Well, I tried, but that abuse had me hooked. He had had lots of practice at manipulating vulnerable women.
He underestimated my strength. I am still here, and very much stronger. I feel for the women he still fools with his manipulations and hope they get wise to his sickness sooner rather than later.
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