Devastated over ending my marriage to my narcissist husband/affair

[jaycee]

I finally threw my narcissistic serial cheating husband out after twenty plus years.  I am now finding it difficult to accept my decision. part of me says I did the right thing, packing his belonging in garbage bags and dumping them on his latest mistresses apt doorstep.  but now, after three months, he is still living with her.  He tells me he doesnt love her and is eventually going to get out on his own, but I know he is lying, he still controls my every thought every action and Im becoming physically ill over the whole situation.  I guess my fear is, he loves her, and didnt love me.  Maybe he was a serial cheater to me because he didnt love me, maybe he will become faithful to her and love her the way he never loved me.  All these questions haunt me day and night and Im finding it hard to deal with it.  He comes by everyday, says he loves me, misses me, wants me, yet, he is building a life with her.  I know every word out of his mouth is a lie, I know he is just telling me things he wants me to hear probably because he feels guilty.  Now i am questioning if he is truly a narcissist (loves himself, the gym, and has to be tan year round, and is selfish as the day is long) or truly didnt love me and has been searching for the one.  I fear she is the one, he had an affair with her on and off for over two years, I know there were others in between, not positive one hundred percent, but have been told that.  Do you think he just didnt love me, and will now become faithful to her (I know telling me he loves me, misses me, wants me, and doesnt love her is not being faithful to her, but Im the wife, I dont count) and not cheat anymore.  Please someone help me to understand why he is still with her and why he chooses to stay with her, does he love her, is she the one?  He did this in the nineties and lived with another one for two years (but kept me hanging on, as our kids were very young, and she wasnt the one, but he thought she was)  I took him back, what a fool and over the years caught him with others, but this one has been hanging on for over two years, she called me a couple times, left things in our mailbox, etc, she was desperate for me to throw him out, as he wouldnt leave, now I did and she won.  Please someone tell me what you think?

[Legs]

Jaycee,

 I left my marriage in October 2009 after finding out in October 2008 that my spouse had been cheating all through the marriage with a series of long term, short term and always a few "brand-new shiny girl friends" plus some old "stoke the local-fires" girlfriends..I honestly don't know how he did it as he remained active with me.

Anyway, what I meant to say is that it doesn't really matter what we think...what matters is what you want. Do you know yet what that is? And I don't meant a "fantasy" want where he comes back to you, is truly remorseful, promises not to do it again and etc. (which, by the way, is what I wanted of course but never got)

The best indication of future behavior is past behavior and it sounds like you've already seen what you'll be getting in the future. It was soul crushing to realize I meant absolutely nothing to my spouse. We had the "perfect" marriage, never a fight in 15 years..only underneath it all, he had a secret life and he had done the same thing in all of his marriages and never gotten caught. That was all pre-home computers though. I think it's funny that he bought me my first computer and I bought him the very expensive laptop that became his Waterloo.

Anyway, I'm no expert on any of this and can't advise you about what you should do or how you should feel...all I can say is that you are going to have to decide what you want and then the wisest way to get it. I did quite a bit of detective work and sneaking around because my spouse would NOT be honest about what he did and continued doing. One I realized it, I became better and better at understanding his posture and his defensive behaviors....

I had a safe place where I kept whatever information I found and I was stunned to find out what I found out. Don't look for proof if you can't stand to see it. Keep yourself safe above all. Have you talked to an attorney? Usually the first visit is free. Talk to several of them and write down the things they tell you that you will need...copies of documents, etc.

If someone lies to you once, they will lie to you whenever they want. I spent months and months trying to figure out what was a lie and what was the truth, and finally decided the best thing was not to believe a single word out of his mouth.

he may have lied to you from Day One which is what mine did..he had invented a wonderful mask that he wore for years and years and when I finally saw underneath the mask, I was shocked and stunned and horrified and frightened by the monster underneath. I probably sound over-the-top crazy and I think I probably am, but I am still struggling to understand how he was able to fool me like he did (he fooled EVERYONE..he's that damn good) and to understand why I tried for so long to reapir a marriage that never even exissted.

The two most important things for me to understand was that I never even really loved him, I just loved the person he pretended to be and he never loved me either. He needed a wife and I was perfect for him. He took me two months after my first husband died (I mean, he took my broken heart and promised to make me happy, but what he really did was make himself happy)

Oh, how I do go on.....what I meant to say was that none of us can explain what is going on in his mind and now of us can truly advise you on what to do or what to think. You have to do all that part and it might help you to have a professional to talk to...your friends and family are all going to be prejudiced and you need a neutral party to talk to.


I send you some good mojo. You have a very hard thing now to decide. Remember...actions speak louder than words and real love does not hurt all the time.


Legs

[jaycee]

Legs, Im so sorry you had to endure the pain I too am enduring.  I know I need to move on, but the thought of him becoming faithful to his latest mistress is eating me alive, the thought that he still lives there after three months and says hes going to get his own place is eating me alive.  Do they change for the other women?  Or do they continue their patterns whereever they go?  I just want to know he will do the same to her and they will crash and burn as quickly as quickly can be.  The thought of him staying with her is killing me, probably, because I had to accept the fact that he never loved me, and I probably don't love him, just the man he pretended to be.  What do you think of him actually changing now that he is with his latest mistress, the one who supplies his ego boosting, buys him everything, takes him everywhere, and gives him the finanacial freedom he enjoys, as we were always strapped for money.  Can you tell me more about what happened with you?  Did your husband stay with his latest as a homebase, or did he continue his patterns and move on from one to the next, if it's ok to ask.  Please tell me what you think and yes, I finally called a therapist and I loved her, we will see each other on friday, can't wait, she will be impartial, where my family and friends hate him. 

[Legs]

Jaycee,
 You can ask me absolutely anything. I know that supposedly Lucifer called his w***e the minute he got home and found out I had left him. She's been to see him at least once (she is  a Philippino woman who is married to an American man and they are living in Japan) I suspect he has given her a huge amount of money....she is half his age. She is a married prostitute.

 My fondest hope is that after we divorce, her husband finds out (id he doesn't know already..I fully intend for everyone in their world to find out what they are and what they have done) and she has no place left to turn but to my spouse. I want him to have her.

 I am almost 60, no kids, so my situation may be world's apart from yours. I know now my spouse has never been loyal to ANYONE, not even his "friends" as he calls his other women. Now that I know what he is, I do not care what he does or who her does it with..I just want everyone who thinks he is such a swell guy, to know him for the dishonest, deceitful, disloyal ass that he is.

I don't think he will ever change for anyone because to change, he's have to have either a conscience or a heart, and he has neither. I was married to a ghost...someone who never even existed. he built himself a false self, and I saw it and thought I loved it, but there was nothing to love. As far as I know, he still has his long-time Philippino girlfriend, another married woman (she's 70) in a nearby town and he is dating another woman who lives in our town and God knows what else...


You know, my father was King of the N's and after my mother died (she either killed herself or he killed her...I believe the later version) he married a very wealthy woman and she supported him in the style he wanted, and they are still together. So I don't know how to answer your question........I know sometimes, often, they seem to get what they want no matter the cost to others.


You sounds like you are at the very beginning of your journey. When you see your new therapist, ask her if she thinks you should just visit with an attorney.


Good luck! Half the battle is realizing you are in it.


Legs

[jaycee]

thanks again legs, I know you are in a different place than I am, I wish I could be there.  The thought of him staying with her, as I am 45 and she is only 30, kills me.  Why should they get what they want, why should they run off and live happily ever after, in her mind at least.  I know he will never truly be happy as he is so selfish and only wants what makes him happy at the moment, no matter what the cost.  I know I should move on, but I ve been with him since I was 20 and we have two children, our son who is twenty one this year, is serving in Iraq, hates his father for this, hates him for doing this once again, and for hurting me so deeply, our daughter is 19 and she is devastated because she loves him, yet, she knows he is a piece of shite.  I wish I could turn it off, stop loving what isnt there, the ghost, and move on with my life, but the lonliness and heartbreak are so hard to take.  I don't want him back, as I know this will continue, but I also don't want him with her, I want him to cheat on her, leave her and move onto another, but I don't see that coming, she offers him too much, I do know it will be a matter of time before he cheats on her, if he already hasnt, but I think he will keep her as his home base, that scares me.  I hope everyone is right, leopards don't change their spots, they only change location.  I am so sad today, wish I could get out of my own way, do something for me and forget him and all his lies, he lies to me everyday, I dont understand why, why not just say, I love this girl, I live with her and she's who I want, why tell me he doesnt love her, he wants to get out, and he loves me so much.  Ye, if he loved me, he wouldn't have done this.  Do you believe leopards can change their spots or do they get worse with age.  I hope the latter is true.  please continue to converse with me, as I look forward to what you say.  take care

[Legs]

Jaycee,
 I have decided that inside (somewhere s deep they may only know it in their innermost heart of hearts) that they are miserable "humans" (I don't even really think they *are* human. A cat has more love for other creatures than they do, and a cat is the Biggest N animal I have ever had the pleasure to feed and water and clean ujp after for my entire life)and they delight in making others miserable too...especially people that they believe have not treated them the way they believe they should be treated.

There is no closure for us in N relationships..the only possible cloure you can ever hope to have in not being in contact with them in any way ever again. You probably can't manage that until after the divorce, but I made it clear to my attorney that if he needs to address any issue with me, he will have to go through his attorney then to my attorney and then to me.

I had thought I knew Lucifer for 32 years, and I never knew him at all. The funny thing is, he didn't know e either or else his mistreatment of me caused me to turn into a completely different person, thank the Universe. I am not the sweet, scared, frightened girl (ok, well....underneath the B from Hell, I actually still am) but I am channeling Mrs. Nasty right now and I am dishing out whatever hatefulness inside of me right onto his plate. he can eat that until he chokes on it.

I know a lot of people are all into the forgive and move on stage..I am not there and won't be until I see him and his w***e exposed for what they are. And I will see that done one way or another. I know revenge is best served cold, and I am actually having it served up by someone other than me and it will be absolutely untraceable, so legal ramifications come back on me.

If he is determined to do whatever it is that he wants to do, you can't fight him. You have to get everything in order and be ready to do whatever you have to do. The loneliness and heartache IS almost unbearable..to know you loved someone (as much as you could, not that you realized you didn't even know what you were supposedly "loving") and they would do what they did to you. You have to know that if someone really ever loved you, they could no do those things.

If he's anything like Lucifer, he will not be loyal to her anymore than he was to you. But she's not you..she may be a Big Old N herself, and maybe she is using him just like he's using her. You won't ever know and can never know. You will have to face the fact that there are many questions that will never be answered and it sucks, but these "people" are not like other people and leaving a relationship with one of them is not not leaving a normal relationship.

I hope you will like your therapist and post on some of the other boards as well...I am in a very bad state right now. I

 

[jaycee]

legs, so sorry you are in a bad state right now, I know the feeling, he just left here, he says he loves me, misses me, and if he were happy there, why would he come here all the time, so i said, if you were so unhappy there, why would you be there, he had no answer, so i know he is lying.  he justs wants his cake and to eat it too.  I know he will someday be the miserable man he is too her, but right now hes wearing his mask, and she probably doesnt see whats underneath it.  but she was a horrible woman to me, calling me, harrassing me, even followed me in a store and laughed in my face, she left things in my mailbox to let me know they were still together, I pray karma kicks them both in the ass and their relationship crashes and burns asap.  how funny would it be, if she ever found out we still speak everyday and he comes here everyday, not healthy for me, but in my own sick way, im getting her back.  she would go crazy, she would also go crazy if she knew all he wanted was to sleep with me. tells me how much he misses me, sickening lies.  if he loved me, missed me, he would not have done this in the first place, i can only pray he does the same to her, but a thousand times more and leaves her faster than a speeding bullet.  she is as despicable as he is, and she loved every minute of her torture to me.  they are both sick, and i sometimes wonder if they ever feel bad about what they did to me, but they dont, i can assure you of that.  i hope you feel better right now, i hope you can make it through the night feeling that you are the better one, and he is Satan himself.  expose them, as I plan to expose my h and his w***e, little by little, until it gets back to the both of them.  i want them to know i am telling everyone that their dirty little affair caused me to throw him out.  feel better please, your friend jaycee

[Legs]

oops! I was so distressed I cut off the end of my last post which was:

I hope you will like your therapist and post on some of the other boards as well...I am in a very bad state right now. I am no where near "done" yet and am as unstable as I can be. I spent all weekend in a crying jag, so I know I am still messed up big time. I'm not at all sure that I'll even be able to move part this and have any kind of a life or if I'll even want to have any kind of a life I am determined not to kill myself before the divorce is final or Lucifer wins. He has already told everyone I was crazy, plus he's been divorced once already for adultery (I did not know that until after we married) and he has been widowed, and he told me he much preferred being widowed.

Legs, one messed up chick


Hey..........next time he comes over, why not record him on a tape recorder.........same for her next time she calls you on the phone..............IF, those things are legal in your state.

I veer back and forth between feeling stronger and throwing in the towel. You sound P*SSED right now and that is a GOOD thing, IMO. Mad is so much easier than sad. You're right... he wants to have his cake and his other cake and probably some more cakes you don't even know about. Oh, and have you had all of the STD tests and an HIV test because you don't know where's he's been or where they have been. I believe my gyno did a grand total of 14 different tests in December...............after he looked around EVERYWHERE and took little swabs.

I am not sure you are getting her back by allowing him to come there everyday......I swear I did not even start to feel better until two months after my last contact with Lucifer. As long as I had that 1% of hope, I was doomed.


Legs, slightly more crazed than usual today for some reason

[jaycee]

legs, you sound like me, up and down at all times, but you are right, i should tape him, not for legal reasons but to play it for her someday.  lol  she no longer calls here now that she has won. she got me to throw him out and thats what she wanted.  now, i sit and wonder had i not given into her, he would still be here, as he would not have left.  but what good would that be anyways, he would be texting her as i slept as he text me as she sleeps etc...he really is a sick bazturd, but he was my sick bazturd, and she had no right, as he had no right to destroy any part of my life or of my childrens' lives.  oh legs, if you are a praying woman, would you please ask God to answer my prayers, Id really appreciate that so much.  hope you are well tonight, please be well my friend, and know i am here hurting with you. 

[CZBZ]

I moved this thread to the General Board where most people read and post messages. 


Hugs,
CZ

[redhairtemper]

Hi,  I'm new to this board, but not new to narcissism.  My story is very similar.  However, I am a little farther down to road so I can offer you this:

January 09  I begged by N for a second chance, we had been separated for several months and I had just broken up with my loser boyfriend.  Looking back at the emails he used to re-woo me, I see now he was playing a very sick game.  He seems to want revenge for some sort of injury I apparently caused him and I see now that our reuniting was for that purpose, he wanted to destroy me emotionally.  We never lived together again, but we 'dated' and went to therapy.  It spiralled down to a very harsh ending in October 09 when I managed to break away from him with the help of a very wonderful therapist.  Here is what I know that is key to recovery:  understand what 'hoovering' is and how to resist it, go no-contact as much as you can, I finally went no-contact full-time this past January and that really jump-started my recovery.  I had the misfortune of talking to him again a month ago and it was amazing how every word out of his mouth was calculated to attack.  I was left drained and had to take time off work.  The biggest thing:  make new memories.  That's why they say time heals all wounds.  It's not really time but what we do with that time.  The more active you are, the more things you do, the better off you will be.  When you first break up, your brain is consumed with memories of being with the N.  So, give it memories that don't involve him.  I joined a gym, a reconnected with old, pre-N friends on facebook, I met a new man and fell in love (not on purpose).  Creating a separate life takes time but the more effort you put into it the sooner you give your brain something new to focus on.

No contact is really hard but my therapist had me write a last love letter to my ex.  It was a letter that I would never send and it was everything I would say to him if we were still talking.  It morphed into a journal, just as my therapist said it would.  The other thing is that I jealously guard my no-contact.  I love saying I'm 3 months, 4 months etc.  I don't want to reset it to zero for anything.

Understand and respect your own boundaries.  It drove my ex insane when I ended contact and he wouldn't listen.  Well, a formal police caution changed that.  He then started to harass the officer I had reported him, too.  He still cannot grasp the concept that people out there believe me and not him.  Doesn't matter, if he says one word to me, he gets arrested.  You have that right.  You have the right to choose who speaks to you and who doesn't.  That was such an eye-opening concept to me.

The first step was the hardest, it does get easier and you do get stronger.