Why do I care so much that he is still with her

[jaycee]

After throwing my N husband out over three months ago, I want to know why I still care so much why he is still with his latest mistress, why I am so obsessed with their relationship?  I have to know somewhere in the deepest part of my mind and heart, that he will someday do the same to her.  I am so distraught this morning, every time I take a step forward, I go twenty steps back.  I went to see my new therapist yesterday, and I thought, wow, Im going to get well soon.  This morning I woke with the worst anxiety, feeling so distraught over knowing that he is making a life with her and her kid.  As you see, my husband did nothing for our kids, physically he was here, sometimes, yet emotionally, he was never here for our children.  They now as they are a little older, know,he was emotionally absent and too selfish to make their lives happy, they know I struggled to make sure they had what they needed, went where they wanted to go, got the things they wanted and needed, but the one thing they missed out on is his unconditional love.  So why is he mister nice guy to her kid, he picks him up from camp, goes to his little league games, they all three go to the beach on the weekends, etc....So why all this for his w***e's kid?  Is it part of his mask he is wearing for her, as she is his constant supply?  What makes a N his actions when he is in a new environment?  I just want to stop caring that he is with her, I just want to know his mask will fade soon, and she will know (as Im assuming, she cant be that stupid not to know, what he did with her, he will do to her, and that is why she is so demanding and controlling of them doing everything together)  I can remember in the nineties when he left us for another, he did the same thing, played mister nice guy with that one's kid, went to his games, brought him to school, took him to the movies and beach, as if they were a family, while me and our children sat and cried feeling abandoned).  Does anyone think, this might end up being his last home base, now that he is in his forties?  Do you think there is hope he will move onto the next, or that she will see the mask fade?  I just don't want him with her, I would rather see him meet someone new, fall madly in love and live happily ever after, as long as it is not with this particular woman, the one who tortured me until I threw my husband out, as he would not leave.  Oh, someone tell me what you think, sorry bad day today.........

[redhairtemper]

You have a lot going on and it's all tied up into a big knot which is why you are feeling so distraught.  But, let me comment on a few things.  You stated you just started seeing a new therapist and you are going to get well soon.  Well, it's not that easy and usually you feel a little worse at first because therapy pokes at the wounds that brought us there.  Give it time and let yourself grieve.

The act he's playing for his w***e and her child is just that: an act.  It could also be a display for you too.  You don't really know what goes on behind closed doors but whatever he is up to, he's getting to you so you must not let it.  You know this is part of the N's game.  Will this be his last home base?  Maybe but probably not.  They don't do 'happy family' very well and it seems to be a cycle that speeds up over time.  Kind of like a junkie:  the first hit is always the sweetest and longest high, each subsequent hit will be shorter and shorter. 

You would rather see him fall madly in love with someone new?  No you won't. Trust me on this one.  I'm watching my ex woo and manipulate this rather stupid woman who is going to be destroyed by him.  I wonder every day if I should somehow step in and try to save her but I know that doing so will only bring them closer together: united against the evil ex-wife.  The greatest punishment you can serve on his w***e is a lifetime with him.  Do not doubt for a second he's starting the manipulation and the games.  She's going to be feeling the uneasiness, the uncertainty.  Could explain why she is so controlling and demanding - she isn't getting that true feeling of being in love.

Please give karma time, it will happen.  He will end up broken, alone and old with no home base and no one to care for him.  Concentrate on yourself and your kids.  My son once said to me that having one good and kind parent was enough and he's right.  You cannot change the father they have but you can be the mother they deserve.

Good luck, Jaycee.

[Legs]

Jaycee....you keep asking to tell you what we think about what Mr. Nasty will do?  We didn't even know what our very own Dr. Nasties would do, so we can't possibly know what your flavor will taste like.

But here's the real question...what does Jaycee think will happen and even more importantly,. what does Jaycee want to have happen. Because the next part of the game could come from you if you want to play.

I can't tell what you want because apparently he has done this before and you are hoping for him to come back. I am so fortunate not to have been forced to play at Home Base more than once, because it doesn't sound like a happy place.

I figured out what was going on, spent a year trying to reconcile (while all the time amassing a huge file of evidence of oh so many different things) and then I went AWOL from the team while he was out of town for a week, and he was served with divorce papers the night he got home.

I kept thinking if he was truthful with me, we could work it out but he never was and I got tired of waiting. Plus he told me straight up he did tell me the truth...." whenever he could remember or if he thought it was relevant".
That was it for me. I was done. I just had to use my theatre training to be cordial, cool and polite until he left the playing field. Then I called my secret team members who swooped in, and got me out of that hell hole.My shrink told me day one she knew that *I* knew whatever I needed to know, and I just needed time for my had and my heart to hook up. I've been with her a year now (maybe every three weeks?) and she thinks I am done, and I guess I am done with her. I think maybe she's taken me as far as she can take me.

But here's the thing..you have to stop asking or caring what other people think might happen. We can't know. We could only guess and right now, you need something so much more than that. You might start by making a list...on one side a sheet of paper, put all the good things Mr. Nasty has done and put all the bad things on the other six sheets of paper you will need for the bad stuff.

And don't put any "what if's" or "if only's"....just the facts.   I what if-ed and if only-ed for an entire year and while I'm not sorry in general, I did some things during that year that I have never done before and will never do again and it makes me sad that I had so little respect for myself, but I think once I realized that my husband had none for me, then I might as well not have had any for myself either.

DO NOT GO THERE!!!! It is a sad and pathetic trip and if only I had not been down that road, but I went and it was truly awful. Figure out what you want and then figure out how to get it.

I thought I could NEVER be alone and I have been scared and frustrated so many times and worried about all kinds of things but I have done it. I am still here. I will never again let anyone abuse me unless maybe I am working for them and I have to do a certain amount of sucking up, but that will be it.

Ok, I'm still scared and worried and frustrated, but there is method now to my madness..a goal I am determined to reach and Dr. Nasty is *not* coming on this trip with me any farther than the courthouse.


Legs

[Liberty]

Jaycee I do know exactly how you feel because I felt (and in some ways still feel) precisely the same.

In fact, before I threw my ex out (and divorced the scumbag), I went to see OW and begged her to take him off my hands.

When he went to live with her (and her 2 kids as she dumped her husband) though, the pain was excruciating. I didn't want him any more but I didn't want the selfish predatory w***e who had tormented me and my children to have him either.

I wanted him (and still do) to meet someone new, not be with the horrible bipch who wouldn't leave us alone, sent dirty texts to my child's phone and even got her parents to move near us when we were trying to work on our marriage, so that the self-centred slag could pursue him still.

She hijacks any time he promises to spend with our sons and demands that he pay as little child support as possible in addition to banning him from ever seeing or speaking to the mother of his children (me). (Pretty lucky for that one, thanks whorebag, you help me enormously with NC).

However, I don't agonise over it any more (laugh at them actually) even tho' I'm p'd off at the way he craps on our sons.

Why? Because I know their 'Happy Families' stuff is all a facade. It is fake. They are NOT happy.

I spent 20 years losing myself for that non-human and I didn't of course want someone else to have what I never had from him (love and care).

He was abusing her within months (I've seen the proof in texts that she sent to someone else). He doesn't know that I know this.

He doesn't know that I know that he locked her out of their lustnest one night and drove 300 miles away, so she had to beg the husband she had dumped for him, if she could sleep on his sofa.

The last time they split, she told her husband that my ex was violent and untrustworthy. He doesn't know that either.

They have split up numerous times in the past 2 years that they have been together. Every 3-4 months, he comes to see me, saying horrible things about her (how 'loving' is that?) thinking he can come back.

I make it clear that he CANNOT come back to live with us, so he runs back to her (he cannot be alone, it kills him).

When I reject him, he turns nasty and says he loves her and he never loved me. That used to crucify me but now I just laugh. I KNOW he never loved me but he sure as heck doesn't love her either.

I know that if I let him come back, my life and those of my children would be Hell on Earth. At that point I stop feeling pain about him being with the witch and thank my lucky stars that I am not in her shoes.

I am sure that if he had met her AFTER we separated< i would not loathe her so much, but she caused so much trouble and was so spiteful that I don't care now if the Karma Bus eventually squishes her (as long as it runs over him first).

Like another thread mentions, 'When a woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him'.

One day Jaycee, the pain will go, I promise you it WILL. Then you will be relieved that you were freed from his cage whilst she is still locked in it.

Hugs
XXX

[Liberty]

This may help to put it into perspective Jaycee (I found it on a very old infidelity forum from 10 years ago):

Although it is hard to find research on it, some authors alude to the correlation between narcissism and affairs.

I tried to do a literature review of the topic for a research class I was taking in grad school last year, but there was not enough out there. But I believe if research was done they would find a high correlation between the two for many reasons.

First they feel they are entitiled to it.

Second, it is hard for them to feel empathy for someone else, so they don't see how hurtful affairs are to their mates.

Third, since there is an underlying depression and they feel so lousy about themselves, the affairs make them feel better, temporarily.

Also they need constant mirroring.

In other words because they don't feel good about themselves they need someone to tell them how wonderful they are all the time.

After a while hearing it from the same source just doesn't have the same impact and they need someone new to tell them how wonderful they are for it to have an effect.

There is a quote from a movie I love. In the movie "The woman" a woman is explaining to her daughter about her husband's affair.
She says, "When a woman is bored she buys a new dress or gets her hair done (unless she is a narcissist). When a man gets bored he needs a new mirror to look at so he has an affair."

[ddb]

Jaycee, I found your post interesting.  I could have written it myself.  And the replies are most helpful.  I have had great difficulty disentangling from my "N", whom I left 6 months ago.  It's not the physical disentanglement but the emotional that is giving me great pain.  He has a new OW which he met 8 months before I moved out and could NOT do without. After 8 months of spending 6-8 hrs a day talking to her on a chat program, me kicking and screaming about it, his cold hearted response was "If you don't like it, you can leave" (I lived in his house).  So I did.  He still sucks me back in and so far I've succumbed to it, but it's sites like this that are helping to make me stronger and get back the self esteem that he so eloquently destroyed.   Thanks for writing your story, which is almost mine to a T, except there are no children involved.  THANK GOD for that. 

[CZBZ]

Welcome, ddb!

You are in good company on WoN. Many of us have been through a similar situation with the 'other woman'. It's excruciatingly painful, bringing up fears of rejection and abandonment. Female rivalry over a man (we're taught this stuff in our culture, especially by media), invites us to leap in the drama triangle and scratch out her eyes to win a man we might not even want when the fight was over. LOL! It's the most crazy-making experience and yes, very self-destructive which is one reason why narcissists use this tactic to Put Us In Our Place.

Narcissists know what hurts you and they're ready and willing to do whatever it takes to crush your self-esteem.

When you feel comfortable, join us on the General Board; rest assured, discussions about Infidelity are welcomed. 


Hugs,
CZ

[Legs]

Although it is hard to find research on it, some authors alude to the correlation between narcissism and affairs. I tried to do a literature review of the topic for a research class I was taking in grad school last year, but there was not enough out there. But I believe if research was done they would find a high correlation between the two for many reasons.

First they feel they are entitiled to it.

Second, it is hard for them to feel empathy for someone else, so they don't see how hurtful affairs are to their mates.

Third, since there is an underlying depression and they feel so lousy about themselves, the affairs make them feel better, temporarily.

Also they need constant mirroring.

In other words because they don't feel good about themselves they need someone to tell them how wonderful they are all the time.

After a while hearing it from the same source just doesn't have the same impact and they need someone new to tell them how wonderful they are for it to have an effect.

There is a quote from a movie I love. In the movie "The woman" a woman is explaining to her daughter about her husband's affair. She says, "When a woman is bored she buys a new dress or gets her hair done (unless she is a narcissist). When a man gets bored he needs a new mirror to look at so he has an affair."

Dear Liberty,
 That sums it up so well and fine...that would describe perfectly what transpired between Lucifer and I....I was simply shocked because for 15 years we had "been so happy", had "the perfect romance" a second chance at romance after we'd both been widowed, but later I found out he'd had other women all through our 15 year long marriage.and in all his other marriages as well. I see know it was never about me. I was a useful thing to him..a loving, trusting, clever, hardworking wife. I wish so much I had not had to wait 15 years for him to blow his own cover, but am just glad I am away.............now to finish the divorce which seems to be being hijacked again by his stalling an his attorney's encouragement of that. I swear I may have to shove a deer rifle right up his azz and remove some of the clutter from his head.

Loved your post....loved your name! LIBERTY!!! How very fitting!

welcome to the mos beautiful barn in cyberland..there are beautiful paintings in the haymow

xoxo, Legs

[ddb]

Thank you CZ for your kind words.  I feel like I am among friends just reading these posts.  It has been a crazy making experience, one of the worst I have ever been through, and one I hope never to repeat.  He is so suave and cool, so charismatic.  You cannot help but fall in love.  But he sucks you in.  He's like a spider in his web, pulling his prey in and then trapping them.  I have been so confused and in such a turmoil for over a year now.  After a year of counseling, and being out of his house for 5-6 months, I am just now starting to be able to realize what has happened.  Everyone around me can see it and advise me what I should do, and still I have a hard time implementing what it is they say and I know I should do for my own mental well being.  I think I could let go were it not for another female in the picture, but he is treating her with such "love and respect" it is painful to watch.  And part of his game is to let me know how important she is in his life.  Rejection?  to the max...it has been so hurtful.  I finally get enough strength to pull away some, and he pulls me back.  I have got to learn how to resist.  Hopefully this forum among friends will help some.  I am open to any help I can get. 

[RB22]

ddb,

 

My X is not allowed by his Nwife to talk to me, UNLESS she is present.

The last time we had a conversation was 2 years ago this month. She was present.. it was like I was talking a foreign language. I would say something to him, he would look at her and she would answer for him. 

It was one screwed up conversation, that's for sure. 

When we were talking, he wanted me to be friends with his wife... the woman he was having an affair with, he was making me talk to her about scheduling pick up and drop off times of our 4 children... she was also sending me my alimony and CS payments... with lovely little notes attached.   

I told him very nicely, that I couldn't be friends with her... but I would be friends with the next one.    He answered OK.  So I figure he wasn't planning on having it last.   That was over 5 years ago... he is still with her.... go figure.

Now I laugh at them.... but for awhile it hurt.  The opposite of love is apathy... and as long as they leave my kids alone to grow into healthy adults... I am apathetic ... mess with my kids and mama bear comes out.

Hugs,

RB

[Legs]

But he sucks you in.  He's like a spider in his web, pulling his prey in and then trapping them. 

Now, now....not all spiders are bad! Don't spiders eat those nasty flies?? Which is worse....a beautiful, clever spider who weaves a lovely silken web or a fly who lives on chit. Think of him as a big old pile of that and his new lady love is nothing but a visiting fly, stepping in it and spreading the filthiness around. They were made for each other!!!


Legs, who only has two