Closure. . . redefine it to find it!

[LettingGo]

Jancintae, I wanted to thank you for posting Susan Anderson's SWIRL Stages of Recovery
Shattering ( when we realise the awfulness of the reality of what Nism really is,and that we were really only 'objects' to those we loved so dearly)
Withdrawal ( like withdrawal from an addictive substance - the pain of 'cold turkey' - to me that was the time I really KNEW NC was the only way and  dealing with my urges and longing to contact him)
Internalising the hurt ( when we turn on ourselves and think it is all our fault - maybe we should have done things different. I found questions like 'am I a codependant?, Am I an N myself? was i too needly? and all these questions haunted me for a time)
Rage (I definitely had to deal with 'rage turned inwards and depression' and a huge longing for revenge. For me I found a release with this when I realised that yes, it was definitely OK to have these feelings but NOT ok to do anything much about them.)
Lifting (Rage did help me direct some of my energy outwards. And in the aftermath, I have begun to find peace and acceptance. I am also finding that I am getting interested in new things and that life has come to some kind of peaceful existance again.)

This reminded me of what Peartree posted, Wise Words about the spiral. The fluidity of the Swirl and Spiral really resonates with me about going through the Recovery Stages as well as other stages we go through in Life. These stages are not concrete w/a specific beginning and end. . . until we reach the final stage of Peace, then Life in general has a way of challenging that too.

"According to ancient Asian philosophy, life is not a circle but a spiral. Every life lesson that has ever been presented to you (which means everything you have ever been through) will come back again, in some form, until you learn it. And the stakes each time will be higher. Whatever you have learned will bear greater fruit. Whatever you have failed to learn will bear harsher consequences.
The Buddha taught us that we each have one person to save—ourselves. Each of us gets one life in which to do that. This one. He also, allegedly, taught that we will not allow ourselves to awaken as long as we are doing something we don’t feel good about."
-Cheri Huber

[honeybearII]

In the narcissistic relationship, you are constantly being told, either by words or actions, that you are not good enough.  There is a continual striving to get to the place where the N will say, "Wow.  I value you and you are great.  I accept and love you just the way you are".  We NEVER get any of that from an N, and if we have been with them long term, by the time we are shattered we are also very confused about who we really are.  Much of our true self has been smashed down, tromped on, and devalued by the N; so much so that it is hard to even find a little flame of who we truly are.

Moving out of the N-aura means that we sometimes are left flapping about feeling used up, discarded and hollow.  It's usually because that tiny flame of our Real Self needs to be fueled so it can begin to burn brightly again.  I realize in hindsight that those months of obsessing, crying, and desperation were more about me not being able to connect with ME, than about severing my relationship with the N.  Once I began to find myself again and love myself again, even a tiny bit, then I found it easier and easier to recognize what a wretched marriage I had REALLY had with exNH and how he had sucked all the Me out of Me.

While validation from others is a wonderful thing, I believe that until we can stand up and tell ourselves that WE ARE ACCEPTABLE JUST AS WE ARE, we will still be fetching around trying to bring people into our lives who do that FOR us.  But when they are gone, then we are back at that point again where we will seek someone ELSE to tell us we're okay.  It turns into a circle of neediness that I don't believe is healthy and leads to a lot of unhealthy relationships.  At some point, to be fully ourselves, we have to accept that NO ONE can really tell us we are wonderful except US.  It took me over 60 years to be able to look at myself with all my flaws, all the good things about me, even the dark places I don't like and say that in spite of all that I ROCK.

What a wonderful moment it is when you suddenly realize that YOU CAN BE YOURSELF.  You can relax, enjoy yourself and stop believing that you have to always be everything to everybody.  That you can so "no" and the world won't fall apart.  That you can make a mistake and not beat yourself over the head about it for days.  That you can even eat an Oreo cookie that you KNOW you will regret and still laugh and have it anyway because it is NOT about being "good" or "bad" it is only a cookie.  That we don't have to walk into a room with fear and trepidation that we won't be perceived as perfect.  That we can just spend a day doing nothing and no one will play the shame/blame game about our choices.

Ns set impossibly high standards and if we ever reach those, the bar is just raised even higher.  With them life is all about striving and accomplishing and attracting.  There is no room to learn how to JUST BE.  No room for sitting on the porch and enjoying the sunlight and the butterflies.  No room for being Good Enough in life.  No room for peace and rest.  No room for a good book, a good conversation, a week of rest and relaxation.  EVERYTHING is about doing, doing, and more doing.  While it brings excitement of a certain kind, it also lays a tremendous burden on us to keep striving WITH them and never accepting that sometimes life is perfect JUST AS IT IS.

Honey

[May]

 That has been my problem for years. I`m getting better at it,though. I always needed someone to validate my existance. The problem was that I was always NOT being validated by those people who "live in glass houses." Yet, I thought I was in some way because I had so-called "friendships" and family relationships with them. In their minds, they were perfect beyond measure and I was the one with so-called "issues."

For so long I was tormented over myself because I thought that I could never measure up and they were the ones who had it all together. I thought that I was the one who was "bad."  I got made fun of (and looked down upon)for the way I did things, for not being "Christian" enough, for my shortcomings, fears, and being vunerable. That`s a huge burden these jerks put on people. Yet, they are so full of evil themselves it`s sick...

[Legs]

  I got made fun of (and looked down upon)for the way I did things, for not being "Christian" enough, for my shortcomings, fears, and being vulnerable. That`s a huge burden these jerks put on people. Yet, they are so full of evil themselves it`s sick...

"Thass what I'm talking about....the un-Christianly Christians. They do give of a really bad vibe. I thought they weren't supposed to judge lest they be judged?

Legs

[LettingGo]

May & Legs, those are Counterfeit Christians who take on the title, but so not walk the walk. When the pray it is not about searching for an intimate relationship w/Christ just to listen to themselves speak. A true Christian has a humble heart, a great capacity to love, does not judge, and does not need to be convinced to help. When you are around an Authentic Christian you feel energized not depleted and bad about yourself. The Momster says she is a Christian, yet her behavior shows she follows the devil rather than Christ. She thinks because she has taken on the title she now has Fire Insurance -- boy will she be surprised! She can not stand the heat, but she will have eternity to get use to it. She took on the title not because the love of Christ drew her, or because she no longer wanted to be a hurtful person was remorseful and wanted to change, she did so because God gave her (9) great grandkids and she didn't want to be left alone (Abandonment is her greatest fear). Her Christian Title is all an illusion, she manipulates, gaslights, purposely hurts people any way she knows how, only attends church for public image on special occasions, never prays, and never reads the Bible, yet she considers herself a Christian. Well, I can go to the White House, sit in the Oval Office, and even read a Memo, but that does not make me the President. When you question whether or not someone is Authentic or a Counterfeit weight the evidence. Don't listen to their talk, look at their walk.

[LettingGo]

What a wonderful moment it is when you suddenly realize that YOU CAN BE YOURSELF.  You can relax, enjoy yourself and stop believing that you have to always be everything to everybody.~Honey

Yes, being loved just for who you are and not what you can do for others. And truly liking yourself, w/out feeling judged that you will be considered conceited by others. It is about enjoying life isn't it?

[SusyP14]

In the narcissistic relationship, you are constantly being told, either by words or actions, that you are not good enough.  There is a continual striving to get to the place where the N will say, "Wow.  I value you and you are great. 

Ns set impossibly high standards and if we ever reach those, the bar is just raised even higher.  With them life is all about striving and accomplishing and attracting.  There is no room to learn how to JUST BE.  No room for sitting on the porch and enjoying the sunlight and the butterflies.  No room for being Good Enough in life.  No room for peace and rest.  No room for a good book, a good conversation, a week of rest and relaxation.  EVERYTHING is about doing, doing, and more doing.  While it brings excitement of a certain kind, it also lays a tremendous burden on us to keep striving WITH them and never accepting that sometimes life is perfect JUST AS IT IS.

Honey

Amen and Amen