Five things

[Crystalstream]

I am a mess.  I know that this is the right thing to do, but I still cant seem to move forward.  Maybe I am, I just dont see it right now.  I cant believe the place I am in.  What I really cant believe is how I got here.
My friends say "i dont understand.  You havent been married for a long time.  You have been gone for years.  Why arent you able to move on?  I just dont get it."
But, you do.  You all do, and I am so grateful.
I read some of Sandra Browns stuff last night.  She suggested that we write five things we know about our pathological.  Five things that come to mind.
Here are mine: 1.  Self Absorbed. 2. Passive Aggressive and dishonest. 3. Witholds empathy, affection and joy. 4. Controlling and critical 5. Sarcastic and belittling.
This is what I would like them to say someday:
1. Kind 2. Caring, compassionate and sympathetic 3. Willing to help others 4. Loyal, and Can fix anything 5. Affectionate and funny

What about you?  What are your five things?  I wrote mine on an index card and I look at it everytime I am at the computer, which is far too often.

[Proud2B]

My exN is
1.  Unspeakably cruel
2.  Emotional and verbally abusive
3.  Extremely judgmental
4.  Selfish
5.  Righteous and delusional

His righteousness allows him to justify just about anything he has ever done.  But when I look at his life, he has hurt and robbed every person who has ever supposedly meant something to him, male and female.

And the end justifies the means for him too.  He gets what he wants when he wants it, and it doesn't matter who or what he steps on to get it. 

Hi ho. 

When I think of the man I'm with now, he is
1.  Kind
2.  Compassionate
3.  Funny
4.  Accepting
5.  He LIKES me just the way I am - i.e. he doesn't need to 'fix' me!

Yay!

Proud2B

[redhairtemper]

Are these five things about me?  or about him?

[May]

I personaly believe that everything is a process and everybody moves on when they are ready to move on. You have to be ready to make that decision. It took me a long time to get were I`m at now and I still have a long way to go. Don`t beat yourself up about it. You will eventually be ready to move on one day.

[LettingGo]

Crystal, are you still w/the N? No. You are moving on. You are going forward. It takes time to process all the left over emotions and disconnect from the N, it is an on going process and you are working on it, that is very clear to us. Just because the relationship is over, the emotions don't automatically stop, wish they did, but they don't. During the NC we must learn to unlove them. They don't have to go through this process. Why? For the very painful truth that they never loved us, not the way one person loves another, but how a Vamp loves his/her victim as long as they are getting their NS of unfiltered adoration. The Ns stop connecting with us as soon as they realize they can not get unfiltered adoration from us any longer, hence the back up supplies that they are on constant look out for.

Two Basic Terms which Describe the Momster is an Evil Counterfeit. It is about Surviving a very painful truth,
http://dealingwithtoxicpeople.blogspot.com/2010/03/surviving-truth.html

Counterfeit
–adjective
1. made in imitation so as to be passed off fraudulently or deceptively as genuine; not genuine; forged: counterfeit dollar bills. 2.pretended; unreal: counterfeit grief.

–noun
3. an imitation intended to be passed off fraudulently or deceptively as genuine; forgery.
4. Archaic. a copy.
5. Archaic. a close likeness; portrait.
6.Obsolete. impostor; pretender.
–verb (used with object)
7.to make a counterfeit of; imitate fraudulently; forge.
8.to resemble.
9.to simulate.
–verb (used without object)
10.to make counterfeits, as of money.
11.to feign; dissemble.

—Synonyms
1. spurious, bogus. See false. 2. sham, feigned, simulated, fraudulent; mock, fake, ersatz. 3. falsification, sham. 7. copy; falsify.


Evil
—Synonyms
1. sinful, iniquitous, depraved, vicious, corrupt, base, vile, nefarious. See bad1. 2. pernicious, destructive. 6. wickedness, depravity, iniquity, unrighteousness, corruption, baseness. 9.disaster, calamity, woe, misery, suffering, sorrow.

The opposite of this would be Authentic Love,
Honor
Empathy
Remorse
Trustworthy
Accountable
Clarity, no confusion from gaslighting or N-speak
Here is a great thread of what others have said
http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,7242.0.html

[Proud2B]

Crystalstream,
How about five things about you?  Can you think of five positive things about you?  I can, and we haven't even met yet!  So how's this for starters....

You are....
1.  Very strong (how else could you have tolerated being with an N?)
2.  Loving (ditto the above)
3.  Kind (taking care of the people around you)
4.  Introspective (taking all the blame and responsibilty for making the relationship work)
5.  Coming out of the FOG (hence the confusion)

Be kind to yourself.

Proud2B

[Litha]

great idea Crystal!
My exN was
1 a liar
2. a sadist
3. monopolized the conversation
4. was not fun to "hang out" with
5. was hurtful to his family

My true love would be
1. honest (or honorable, as LettingGo would say)
2. respectful
3. easy to talk to/with
4. would share my interests and be fun to do stuff with
5. would value family (unless they are toxic Ns)

[Clare]

It took me a long time to move on from my ex N too.  I don't remember the exact length of time but I know it was more than 5 years.  It's now been 10 years and I have moved on, but still cannot get into another relationship.

I have some major trust issues. I seem to be a magnet for these N's and I'd rather be alone than get caught up with another one.
I also have special needs kids and can't risk another creep getting involved in their lives.

My 5 things are:
1. Passive Aggressive
2. Pathological Liar
3. Emotionally Abusive
4. Self Centered
5. Cruel

My 5 things with my mom are:
1. Incapable of love
2. loves to put wedge between me and my kids and me and my grandmother
3. pathological liar/manipulative
4. uses her illness for attention
5. mean/cruel