meeting with an attorney and feeling afraid

[kericoba3]

I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow in a consultation for filing for divorce.  I feel as though I may throw up.  I am scared and overwhelmed and unsure of everything.  This week has proved to be especially difficult for me and I feel as though I am poking a bees nest with a stick on a 90 degree day.  My relationship with my STBXNH is not ever going to improve and trying to enforce boundaries is proving extremely difficult.  I feel as though I am cutting off his oxygen because that's how he makes me feel.  He has been out for 10 months but still very present in my life because of our small children.  I have told my therapist on many occasions that I really liked the 10% of him but the 90% of him was evil and manipulating and I really hated my life with that part.  He has put me through so much and I have lost so much because of him.   Most importantly I have lost myself, my strength, my confidence and my sense of what is even NORMAL!  I almost think that staying in this life is what I know and if I could somehow manage to get a handle of him being an ABUSIVE LEECH then it would be okay.  But what kind of life is that?? I have already lived in fear while being with him, fear of what each day would bring.  I have never had one happy holiday, anniversary, birthday or special event.  He ruined both my pregnancies and I worked up until I practically delivered because I had no choice. WHY the hell am I so tortured by this decision?? Anyone else would know hands down it is long overdue so why am I so crippled by taking this step?? Please send me strength and guidance....I could sure use some from those who really know, most of my friends and family just don't get it.

Thanks,
Keri 

[Legs]

Keri,
 I think over time we have become so beaten down and so emotionally fragile that taking any kind of definitive step is overwhelming. And anything negative that happens throws us into a panic. They have taught us we are worthless and we somehow believe it. And we loved them and they hurt us, and we think if a person that supposedly loved us could hurt us that much, then what else might happen with another person. But they didn't love us. They never did. They might have wanted us, but that is not love.

Good luck, Write down everything they say. If you don't have a good feeling with that attorney, go see another one. If you have a gut feeling that they are steering you in a direction you don't want to go, listed to your self. YOU are the only one who really cares..even your attorney just sees you as another client. Don't expect any support form them except legal support and good luck on even getting that.

Legs, in the middle of a nasty divorce with Mr. Nasty himself

[honeybearII]

Keri, you will get through this.  I remember the first meeting I had with my attorney and I blubbered and cried all the way through it.  She was wonderful.  She handed me kleenex, helped me talk about the whole sorry mess, asked the right questions, and gave me information I desperately needed.  She even told me that if I didn't feel I was ready to take the final step that it was all right.  When I was ready, she would be there.  Your attorney is YOUR ADVOCATE.  It was the best investment I ever made because when I WAS ready to end it, she walked me through it step by step and even took on my H who tried to charm her and schmooze her.  It did NOT WORK and all he said about her was, "I really don't like your attorney".

Thank goodness he didn't.  By that time I would have been extremely nervous about any attorney who could not see through him!!
Honey

[CZBZ]

(((kericoba))) I'm guessing everyone feels like throwing up the first time they see an attorney. We've had enough 'bad' experiences with the narcissist to wonder what they'll do next if we divorce them! If they were mean sons-o-guns when we were supposedly happily married, what will they turn into when we're divorced?

Well...they might be easier ot deal with. They might be happy to end the relationship. Nobody knows for sure and that uncertainty IS nauseating.

If your mind is creating fearful scenarios and scaring you right now, just take a look at all of us who made it out okay! It was rough and it was frightening and most of us didn't want to do it...it's the uncertainty that gets ya, really.

Like you, I wondered if it would be easier to stay married and share my husband with other women. The answer was: NOT!

Would it be easier to stay with a man who abuses you and may eventually hit your children? the answer is: NOT!

It gets worse over time, not better. Don't let your mind play tricks on you and make you believe the UNKNOWN is worse than the KNOWN. IT's not!

You just post your heart out if your anxiety is high. What you are doing is very frightening and very stressful. 

Hugs,
CZ

[betterdays]

Keri,

I was afraid because I thought she might tell me to settle, placate, and collaborate.  She did not, after my first question was if she knew what NPD was, and had she dealt with it.  Fear of the unknown has given way to a great rush to the finish line, with anxiety about N's next move.  Attorney says not to rush, but don't give up and stay, either.

Peace and strength to you.

[kericoba3]

Thank you so much for the support.  I have cried and dreamt up scenarios in my head all because he always has me walking on eggshells.  I just never can relax.  I will post how the consult goes and hopefully I will feel less afraid.  Thank you ladies.....you are amazing!!

Hugs,

Keri