Dear all,
Most of our conversations on WoN are not directly focused on violence. From time to time however, we need to discuss
the potential for violence in a narcissistic relationship which will vary of course, depending on the degree of pathology. We may not see how violent a narcissist may be until we DENY them WHAT they WANT. for easy-going-type personalities, it may take a long time before we finally insist on what WE want and then, well...then you will see pathology-in-action.
If you are concerned about your safety, please visit your local women's center, contact an abuse counselor, educate yourself about ABUSE and how you have been 'groomed' to accept abuse. Please take care of yourself and rather than leaving WoN because we're talking about a very uncomfortable topic, please stay with us. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship understands how difficult it is to Get OUT and especially: to STAY OUT. Abusive relationships are like addictions.
Few women ever escape the abusive relationship so if you are attempting to leave a marriage or partnership taht you suspect to be abusive, you can take pride in knowing you are doing something extremely difficult. The most important thing right now, whether you leave or not, is to garner support for yourself in a church group, friends, a support forum, a women's group at the YWCA or a DV center---there are many resources for women today. Treat Yourself Well. Take advantage of the hard work women have done providing a safety net for each other. AND for our kids.
Hugs,
CZ
Intuition is: "Knowing something without consciously knowing all the evidence."
Denial is: "Choosing not to know when all the evidence is right there in front of you.
Denial is something all human beings do by believing this incident will be the last." ~Gavin De Becker
I've been thinking about warning signs that might alert us to a change in the narcissist’s behavior, even if we might not be able to define what that change ‘means’. Perhaps it’s a subtle shift in their behavior that catches our attention though we may not be able to decipher the meaning of the shift. When a person does or says something that’s not in sync with their persona, we might start rationalizing the discrepancy based on prior experiences. We might even doubt our initial gut reaction because we've known this person for a long time and excuse their behavior by telling ourselves they are having a bad day, or they're stressed, or any other number of reasons explaining atypical behavior.
Gavin De Becker explains the power of intuition to warn us that our lives may be in danger. One example in his book, The Gift of Fear, illustrates that over a period of time, we become accustomed to specific sounds in our home. We might sleep soundly through the night despite the fact that our home is creaking and groaning in the wind. But the minute there’s a different sound than what we’re accustomed to hearing (even in our sleep), we wake up. We pay attention. Familiar noises won't interrupt our sleep, but a break in the pattern evokes our internal alarm system. We wake up. We sit up in bed. We investigate. If we're accustomed to street noise throughout the night, we'll only be alerted when there’s silence---when the pattern of expected sounds has been altered.
Of course I’m going to write about raising my kids, but this is kinda what happens when we’re parents. We’re familiar with our child's personality and even without conscious awareness, our intuition is aware of inconsistent behavior. It's the difference, the uniqueness of this subtle change that suggests they are "Hiding Something From Mom".
"How'd ya know I was lying?” they ask when we probe further into why they're bringing us a bouquet of dandelions or volunteering to do the dishes.
"Why" is because they broke the pattern of familiar interaction and we knew it, even before our brains could process the information. Something was off and that's all we needed to know in order to start asking questions rather than ignoring our intuitive ‘tug’.
“It’s mother’s intuition,” we tell them.
The child might believe mother’s intuition means we can read their minds, but as De Becker defines intuition, it is “knowing something without consciously knowing all the evidence." We observe our child, we are familiar with our child, we can predict their behavior within a fair degree of accuracy. The intimacy of daily relationship with a child becomes the basis of our intuitive ‘knowing’.
In the same way, we are familiar with a narcissistic partner’s behavior and only become alarmed if they deviate from routine interactions. People often say the warning signs were there all along but they couldn’t make sense of them until after the fact. Maybe people who love narcissists are in denial, or maybe they simply misinterpret the ‘meaning’ of intuitive warnings. One thing for sure, hindsight is always 20/20. We can connect the dots only after we find the beginning and end to the puzzle. We may not be able to decipher ‘gut feelings’ until after the unthinkable has become a reality. Hopefully, we learn from this experience and don’t ignore warning signs the next time.
So I began wondering if there were lists of warning signs predicting violence, especially in a controlling relationship in which one person justifies abusive behavior by blaming others. Since current research suggests even verbal abuse escalates without therapeutic intervention and that narcissism worsens over time, we might want to educate ourselves about when our lives at risk. If we’re used to arguments and anger attacks, when does an anger attack become life-threatening? Are there Red Flags alerting us that this time, there will be no restraint on impulsive reactions?
How about seeing the ‘whites’ of their eyes? Is that a sign a narcissist has lost control over their impulses and might be capable of ‘the unthinkable’? Is it a particular grimace they have or does their body language tell us their aggression has escalated beyond restraint? Maybe there’s a quota on how often someone can spew verbal insults before they start using their fists? How many secretive emails can a married person send to a paramour before their marriage is threatened?
The problem is what may be a red flag to one person is not to another. Every relationship is unique which makes it difficult to universalize about dangerous personality traits or predictable behavior. Truth is, lists are far less effective in predicting violence than trusting your own intuition.
When something out-of-ordinary happens and you feel it in your gut like an electrical shock propelling your legs to safety, trust your gut. Pay Attention. Don’t debate with fear: Act.
I found a series of short programs featuring Gavin De Becker on Prime Time Live. The sound quality lacks a lot to be desired, especially parts 5 and 6. Nonetheless, the information on this series is worth the added ear strain.
"The conscious or unconscious decision to use violence, or to do most anything, involves many mental and emotional processes, but they usually boil down to how a person perceives four fairly simple issues: justification, alternatives, consequences, and ability." ~Gavin De Becker, page 110,
The Gift of FearBe Safe,
CZBZ
P.S. If any of you have resources you would like to recommend to fellow board members, please list them on this thread. Thank YOU!
