THE FAT LADY SANG; FOR ALL WHO HAVE SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF AN N

[seaschellz]

Hi Everyone,
It seems like it has been eons since I posted last.  How is everyone?  Thankfully, I am well.  I am back in the real world, and have been dating someone for a bit.  It is hard to believe that it has taken me 6 years, (yup, 6 years! In cat/dog years that is almost a lifetime, and some days, that is how it felt) to get to this point.  There are no easy answers or solutions, after you have been married/had a relationship with / a family member who is/coworker who is an N.  He continued to hound me in nasty ways, (remember the wedding dress fiasco?  wanting to use my seaside property for his wedding? how about the picture of the ultrasound of his new baby, knowing that I always wanted a family? the lovely family portrait of him, his new wife and child he sent to me as a "gift"?) to name a few. There were days I wanted to walk into the ocean, and let the sea put me out of my misery, but thankfully with the help of family, friends and my friends here, I did not do it.  Augh, thank heavens!! To end my life for what?  He would have continued to live happily ever after, without a second thought, and probably would have tried to collect on my life insurance so he and the flavour of the day, could grieve in Tahiti!:) And yup, I can laugh about it now.  For everyone who has suffered at the hands of an N, remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Took me 6 years to find it, but I have arrived at the station.  Living in the past prevented me from having a future, and it really was about finding myself again, and having the courage to move on.  It is a lot of hard work, trying to disengage from my dreams, the exNh, but it was so doable. So, in closing, it is over.... finished.... the fat lady sang.  And while she was singing, I was dancing.....footloose and fancy free.  Hang in there, if I can do it you can do it! Let the lady sing for you!
Much love,
seaschellz

[Proud2B]

Seashellz,
It's great to hear from you!  How wonderful things have worked out for you. 

You had to withstand more than your fair share of harrassment at the hands of your exN.  It's good to hear you're seeing someone.

My grandmother used to say, "Sometimes, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new."   She was a card, that one.

I've been in a relationship for about a year and a half after two years away from the exN. 

Life is good, and healing goes on....

Stay in touch!

Proud2B

[seaschellz]

Hi Proud,
Glad all is well with you.  What a journey we have all had!
Your grandmother sounds like she would have been my kind of gal!  Cool and sharp!
Seaschellz

[honeybearII]

SEA!!!!  What a nice surprise to see a post from you!  I remember all the crappy things the jerk did to you, and it still makes me mad.  I am so happy you are now dating and have moved on from the remnants of N-dom.  GOOD FOR YOU!!

Hugs,
Honey

[LettingGo]

Wow Shell, what a nasty N you N-countered (they really are N-human w/no conscious what-so-ever and they do find pleasure causing pain). You are so right he would have fought for the Life Insurance and did his grieving in Tahiti w/the Flavor of the Month.

For everyone who has suffered at the hands of an N, remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Took me 6 years to find it, but I have arrived at the station.  Living in the past prevented me from having a future, and it really was about finding myself again, and having the courage to move on.  It is a lot of hard work, trying to disengage from my dreams, the exNh, but it was so doable. So, in closing, it is over.... finished.... the fat lady sang.  And while she was singing, I was dancing.....footloose and fancy free.  Hang in there, if I can do it you can do it! Let the lady sing for you!

What a great testimony that there is a wonderful life waiting outside of the KoN. Dance on Sister! Dance on!

[talia]

Lovely post, seaschellz  Nice to hear you are well and happy.

[seaschellz]

Honey, you were my inspiration that a solid relationship is possible after exNh.
LettingGo, Thank you!  I hope to continue dancing, even though I am as coordinated as a potato.  (I have taken up Zumba, the music is so lively and infectious!)
Talia, I am well and happy.  I never thought I would be, again ever.  Took me a long time to stop basing my own personal happiness on making others happy. (ExNh...at my expense) (Hope that doesn't sound too dumb)
Seaschellz   

[Jacintae]

Hi Seaschellz

It is so, so good to read your story.

I love to watch dancing - not that I can but I want to cheer you on with the Zumba - it sounds so good.

I saw this dance some time ago on TV and find it so full of energy that I often watch it, just to cheer myself up.

Here it is for you - you go girl. 

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpVzkzMtHMg&feature=related[/youtube]

Yahhhhhh

Love

Jac xx

[SetURselfFREE47]

Thank you for sharing your encouraging words of experience. I often find myself with black and white thinking - that now I will never date an N again, and then I say to myself - but they are so good at what they do!! How will I ever know?? It is scary, but I guess the only way to do it, is to do it, and to do so mindfully. Can you share a little of your experiences from dating your non-N? How were you able to tell the differences at first, and over time?

  Free

[CZBZ]

(((seaschellz))) Sooooooooooo awesome to hear from you again. It's soooooooooooo awesome to know you've taken 6 years of your life and invested it in YOU. There aren't any quick fixes if you've met up with a narcissist so maybe for the first time in someone's entire life, they are forced to prioritize themselves. To invest their energy and love and kindness and all those yummy human qualities------on themselves.

I do remember the wedding dress fiasco and the ultrasound of his 'new' wife's baby and how he expected YOU to be pleased that he was finally getting the family he wanted. What a messed-up and sadistic man he is. When a person has time away from the relationship,  we can take stock of the damage done to our self-worth and it's hard to believe. How could this happen without even being aware it was happening?

I am so glad you have taken care of you, faced the insanity of the truly heartless things narcissists do to the people who cared (and loved them) and instead of running away from the pain, you ran full-face-forward into it which is really and truly, the only way to heal.  


Giant massive and huggy hugs!

CZ

[seaschellz]

Hi Jacintae, Thanks for the "cheering up" dance routine.  Nothing like good music to raise spirits!   

Set, you answered your own question when you said "do it, and do so mindfully".  For me the key was allowing myself time to heal before I got back into the dating scene.  (took 6 years) This time, if ANY flags are raised, I will be ready. When I was with ExNh, the  =danger=flags were flying in my face, but I couldn't see them.   Now, I am no longer willing to accept or excuse inappropriate, disrespectful or demeaning behavior.  I am worth it!  

CZBZ, You are right, I did love my ExNh with all of my heart, and he still did insane and heartless things to me.  He was a piece of work.  But he is no longer my piece of work, or my work in progress.  I ran full-face-forward not knowing where I would end up, but you are right, for me, the only way to heal. 
XXOO to everyone,
Seaschellz

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Sea. 

Congratulations on your successful healing, recent good relationship and catching us up on life moving on.

I hope this continues for you as you really deserve it.

NewWings4MeNow

[Serenity]

I have to concur, Honey was my inspiration to move on and there is another side and decent men out there. I'm 5 years out and 2 years married to a very wonderful man. I have my moments, guess that will always be part of my past, . Since that time with the N, God had put two N's in my life - and I knew how to deal and walk away. Thanks in enormous amounts to this board. All those months of wanting to rip my heart out are in my past. It's all ok.Serenity