Is revenge best served cold

[jaycee]

I often imagine that I can get revenge on my hN's w***e, but I believe if I wait until she thinks I have completely moved on, it will hurt more in the end.  I don't know if I will ever do it, but I do know, I have all the phone/text records of his constant calls and texts and took pictures of the texts themselves, what they said, the pictures of himself, etc, especially the ones of him wearing the clothes she bought him, and imagine that I will send her a package, as she did me, via the mail to her workplace, with all this and a nice long letter welcoming her to the life of a narcissist, to the life she will live with this man she fought so dearly to have.  I figure he will get me, but hes not smart, hell do it in the heat of the moment, he will go ballistic, because she will see proof positive he has been lying about everything.  I will tell her what her future holds, how she will be mind numbed, stomach churned, and wake up to the reality, my h has been using her.  in one of the texts he refers to her as his w***e.  I think that would be the best one ever, or the one where he says he doesnt love her, hes just surviving off her.  I dont know if I will ever do it, as he will get me back, and his revenge will have further reprocussions.  I guess I will wait until its really cold, if I decide to do it, the sad thing is this girl is so desperate, she will believe any excuse he gives her, even with proof in her hands.  Im feeling vengengful today, so these thoughts pop up in my head, I dont think I would ever have the guts to do it, but boy would I love to see her face if I did. 

[Legs]

She won't care and she won't believe you and if you engage with her, it will make her feel like she's won. I am soooooooooooooooooo glad I did not give the w***e the pile of crap I wanted to give her...then Lucifer would have had the pleasure of thinking two women were fighting over him and I simply could not give him that pleasure.

Legs, who still can't figure out the avatar thing

[Jacintae]

Im feeling vengengful today, so these thoughts pop up in my head, I dont think I would ever have the guts to do it, but boy would I love to see her face if I did. from Jaycee

Jaycee, I was really surprised to really acknowledge how very much I enjoyed reading your post. I was with you every single step of the way. My N was supposed to set up a website and I financed it. Then he got involved with some of his friends who passed themselves off as 'Website consultants' and who send mega bills for all the 'consulting' they did. They were going to open a portal into Second Life or something like that. Every so often they sent me updates on all this 'consulting'. But in reality there was never any work done on any website.

All the money payments went through the N - straight to his own banking account. He took a 'new lady' on holidays to Hawaii, Rome, Paris and New York. Then lo and behold - I see that she has a snazzy new website up. I'll be honest - when I see her pretty little face grinning out at me - I feel like emailing her to tell her the truth about that wonderful, fabulous, enchanting guy she is with. Really it is so difficult to swallow - there she is smirking out a me as if to say 'yep, we really did a job on you and we don't give a damn about how much you hurt. Your money set up this fab site for me'. And it's even worse because she has started up as psychotherapist. And the stuff she has written on her page makes me want to puke - you know things like that her sole purpose in her career is to help people live a better life and all that kind of crap. And she DOES know how he got the money. I know that for sure.

And Jaycee, she works in an English city where my brother works. He is a doctor is a hospital that she wants to get connected to to help build up her business. I have often thought of having a word with my brother about her - asking him if ever got a chance to do her a bad deed that he would. He actually could track her down and maybe cause her a bit of 'heartbreak'. LOL - I think about that one - a lot. ))

But no, I won't do it. For me Jaycee, it's all about empowering myself. I do get a little bit of joy from realising that I could make her unhappy if I really put my mind to it. And in a strange way that gives me back power. And I can find it in my heart to feel a little bit sorry for her at times. He likes her more than he ever liked me - but how could you ever have faith in a man who is a dishonest and deceitful as he is?. And like your N, my N talked sometimes about that girl when I knew him. And he always referred to her as 'a secretary' - dismissed her as being a 'lowly person' in his life.
 
She is with the N. He is a bad ass man through and through. I'm afraid she has just sorrow and heartbreak ahead. I don't need to do anything at all. What goes around, comes around. And I am confident that way down the road - life will sort out the N too. So I don't have to waste anymore energy on either of those two. They both deserve each other.

Love
Jac xxx

[eyes_up]

Hi Jaycee, It is completely understandable that thoughts of revenge are coming forward. If writing them down helps with the release of the energy that is great.

From out side the situation it looks like you should just step out of the drama triangle and let them juggle their own KRAP. Just leave it with them. Nothing good will come of it all accept that you are free from the narcs show. You will no longer be a trained actor for his parade.

It would be true that once I left the stage, handed back the script and was no more caught up in the drama that revenge finally happened because that is truly what the narcissist does not want to happen. He wants to occupy your mind and body with reactions to his behaviors. That I saw for myself as his ability to control my behavior.

So, what i did was allow myself all the fantasies in the world. What I did not do was share them with the narcissist. Instead I realized that i could own my feelings and not act on them and that turned into my empowerment.

I was NOT afraid to act on my ideas. I didn't have a line that said, you can not do this. What I had was the satisfaction of experiencing my rage and anger with out ever sharing that or anything else with the narcissist again. When I say narcissist it includes all that comes with the narc... be it the OW or friends etc...That world was not going to turn me into behavior.

eyes_up

[jaycee]

I guess you are all perfectly right, but remember his w***e, called me, followed me into stores and laughed in my  face, and put things in my mailbox to let me know, yes, she is a bottomfeeder, but God wouldn't it be nice, if she too, received mail, only in the form of welcome to your world, here is the man you fought so hard for, the one who tells you we dont speak, with oddles of text messages, pictures, dates and times, and those sweet words he is telling his wife, as this one is supporting him.  Yes, revenge is served cold, that is why I say, if I were to ever do it, I would wait, and wait, and then she would have to see him for what he is, then accept his lies, then keep them in the back of her head her whole life.  Now that would be what a woman like her deserves, that is what comes around, goes around, from your mailbox to mine, from mine to yours.............sounds good, but I bet they'd fight and then make up, then pretend it never happened.  as she is quite desperate to keep him.........

[SusyP14]

These thoughts are normal and expected at this stage of your recovery, but I promise you, with ever ounce of my being, that the absolute BEST revenge you will ever have is the day you DON'T CARE.

I know that it is very difficult to stop obsessing, but this women's blatant aggressiveness is probably one of the reasons that you FINALLY drew a line in the sand and said ENOUGH.  Without her, you might have spent another 20 years letting him come and go and treating you like like a doormat.  You have already given her the ultimate revenge:  you let him go.

The more you hate her, the more you are energetically tied to him and his grievances towards you.

[eyes_up]

Jaycee, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to speak with an old X's girlfriend. We were both unaware , she 24 and me 21, that the other person existed. When she found out and I found out... I found them having sex... later she came running after my car waving me down to talk. Our talk cost the x both of our attentions. If things could happen this way all the time. so much the better.

I hope you can understand that her behavior is radical as it is , and I am really thinking this to be true, because the narc is gas lighting her.
She also may have a more messy head and has absolutely no self awareness. Any person who is acting and behaving as the OW is in your instance , is basically our of her mind. Certainly your STBXNH is benefiting from her erratic behavior. HE IS! He has two women fighting now. You have not thrown punches but it occupies your mind and energy.

So, lets say you have two nutty people with their hands in on your daily well being ... no matter what you have to step out of it. Again it is a human sensation to want to strike back.What makes up grow is when we can finally see the whole picture so we do not get caught in the limited space of how the other person is directing their energy. The fact that she is unable to be respectful is her issue. She and your STBX are both disrespectful. they are in it together. Don't join in the pathology. There is no winning. It only feeds the fire.

(((hugs)))

eyes

[freeagain]

I found the best revenge to be refusing to play into the NGame, refusing to have ANYTHING to do with him and turning my life around - THAT hit him hard

as for the OW she sounds crazy and the N will most likely be unfaithful to her as well, she's not sure of him or she wouldn't be doing all this

free

[Proud2B]

There's not a person among us who has not indulged in revenge fantasies.  I would have no problem at all if either one of my exN's crashed and burned.  I wouldn't exactly dance with joy, but I'm not above a 'smirk of smugness', if you know what I mean. 

But one big difference between us and our exN's is we have a conscious.

A couple of my "most favorite quotes" pretty much sums it up for me -

1.  The best revenge is letting her keep him.

2.  The corollary to "Revenge is a dish best served cold", is "When plotting revenge, be sure to dig two graves" (one for your intended target, and one for yourself).


I don't want to take on the Karma of my exN#2 - by far the worst of the two - by stooping to his level of selfishness, cruelty, and just plain ole' meanness.  Life is too short.

Proud2B

[betterdays]

The dagger of jealousy in my heart has turned into the pinprick of embarrassment.  I wish I could pull your dagger out, but only time and distance will do that.  OW seriously needs to lay off, so you can get yourself in a better place.  You will need to be there because there is a very big chance OW will come to you in agony when N does his magic to her.  The best I can do when I encounter any of the 4 OW's I know about is to shun and ignore them. 

[honeybearII]

Jaycee, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I will again say - this is NOT about the Other Woman.  Yes, she sounds perfectly awful and actually has her own head issues, but directly your revenge fantasies or even revenge at HER only serves to take the focus off of where it REALLY belongs - your HUSBAND.  It always amazes me when I see two women fighting EACH OTHER over some Idiot Boy who has probably been lying, cheating on, manipulating and using BOTH OF THEM.

Revenge isn't sweet in the long run.  What IS sweet is finally getting to the place where you see all the players in the game as their True Selves and you realize "What the CRAP did I ever see in Idiot Boy in the first place?  And why in heck did I stay with him so long/?  And WHY did I waste all those tears and all that anger on someone who never deserved me in the first place?"

Now THAT is the sweetest revenge - total and complete apathy toward both of them.  Believe me - it will come.  Take this time to focus all your anger and unhappiness on the kind of life YOU WANT.  Now is the time not to look at THEM but at yourself.  Make plans for your own good.

Hugs,
honey

[LettingGo]

Jaycee, you have the power to break the OW's N-chantment w/the N, or at least seriously damage it. Ask yourself do you really want to do that? Are you sure? Things are not finalized w/you and the N, so get yourself in order first then think about the OW. Take care of self, get independent of him. Do not allow him to have any power over your life -- unless you still want to be connected w/him, which I don't believe you do. Have those revenge fantasies, but do not let that impede your progress of becoming disconnected to the end, physically, emotionally, and financially. I am not saying that he should not pay, he should, just let your attorney earn his/her wages. Ask yourself this very important question, What have I done for me TODAY to get free from the KON? As I was recovering from having a Monster for a Mother, hence Momster, during my Healing Process I kept saying to myself What A Complete Waste of Time! If I reinvested all that time I spent on her on me I could have accomplished things for me and my family. I could have planted flower, veggie, fruit, and herb gardens, I could have painted my entire house, the money I saved on counseling, therapy, self-help books and workshops I could have taken my family on a cruise to Hawaii First Class including a new wardrobe and designer luggage for all of us. Yes, I get the Revenge thing been there done that, but getting Revenge is not getting Freedom, it is staying Connected to the KoN. Seriously the most damage you can do to Ns and their supporters is showing that you care nothing about them and that you have gone on with your life and are truly happy.

Now I shouldn't tell you this, but hey I am your friend not your therapist, if you really truly hate the OW and want her to suffer let her be completely caught off guard when the N drops the mask on her and Discards her, if you warn her now she wont be AS Devastated. The higher the pedestal the greater the fall.

Remember, ask yourself this very important question, What have I done for me TODAY to get Free from the KON? During these next 30-days you should find a significant switch from the amount of time you are thinking about the N and the OW to the amount of time you spend on your accomplishments. Thoughts of him & her should decrease and time vested in you should dramatically increase.

I would like to know what are you doing for you so that you can be FREE from the KON? Let us know. Are you looking for a good C or T that specializes in Ns, have you found a great attorney, changed your locks -- what are you doing for you?

You do have the right to be pissed off and hurt and want others who have hurt you deeply to feel horrible too, it is natural, it is normal to want to give them some of what they have dished out, believe me I know, just don't let that monopolize your day or you will be harming self and picking up where the N left off. Now is about doing what is best for YOU!

[SusyP14]

I am CONSTANTLY amazed by the advice and wisdom on this board, but LettingGo, I must say, this is my favorite post of the day!!! 

Jaycee, I hope you can set your pain aside enough to let all of this register.  This site is such a gift to all of us.

[eyes_up]

Agree...


Awesome post Letting Go 

[LettingGo]

    Thank you Friends -- being at WoN I have learned from the best!

Jaycee, and anyone else who hasn't read this tread, I thought you might be interested in the following,  
http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,6872.0.html

[jaycee]

thanks for all the great advice, and yes, the longer she goes without seeing him unmasked, the more devastated she will be, but that may not be for years.  so why not wait a few more months and serve it just chilled enough for the two of them, because this will destroy him too, as he will be homeless, if she has any brain, and if not homeless, hed be wishing he were by the way she will react and continue to react..........just a thought, i doubt i would do it, but it sounds tasty.   let her reap what she has sown, since she really went above and beyond to destroy my life and the lives of my children, and too bad, she has no idea he is still having other affairs with women from work, beach, and those he meets from the internet.  i want too, but your advice is too good to ignore. 

[LettingGo]

Jaycee, just make sure you are completely Free of him, no connections what-so-ever, no dependence financial or otherwise, and make sure you are completely prepared and safe for the retaliation, BEFORE you drop the bomb on the evil duo. IF I were completely independent & safe from the N it would be extremely hard for me to resist dropping the revenge bomb. To be honest I would do it if there were zero safety issues for my D & me

[peartree]

hi there
i really like the quote of "LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE". look after you first. sounds like the other woman "deserves" him in that both as bad as each other. natural and healthy to want revenge but i think in a twisted sort of a way would just give the N more supply and be a sort of triangulation.
look after you hun
peartree x x

[redhairtemper]

I have two quotes for you:

Those who plot the destruction of others often perish in the attempt.

Author: Thomas Moore

In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.

Author: Francis Bacon

I am sitting with about 5 unbelievable options for revenge against my ex.  For example: I could right now have him fired from his job and black-balled in the only industry he knows by noon today if I so wished.  This would also destroy his fantasy relationship with horse-face.

But, I am not going to do it.  One day his life will be in tatters and I will just laugh at him, I will have no sympathy whatsoever but I won't be the author of his demise because I am better than him and I will not stoop to his level.

[CZBZ]

"I guess you are all perfectly right, but remember his w***e, called me, followed me into stores and laughed in my  face, and put things in my mailbox to let me know" ~jaycee

I didn't have it nearly as bad as you, jaycee and i wanted to blast the woman's face off. Who said horse-face??? Is my x's OW making the rounds or what?

i felt quite powerless to keep her out of my territory. she was hurting my kids. My husband clearly wouldn't stop her, for all I know, he encouraged the OW's arrogance to prance around with my husband in public as if she had no shame. Well, guess she didn't.

I felt powerless.

You know how I tipped teh scales back my direction? I threatened to get a restraining order (even though I likely couldn't have but THEY didn't know that). When I stood up for myself and my kids this way, it eased my obsessive thoughts. I don't know and am only guessing based on my personal experience with a hellish OW (but definitely NOT as hellish as the bunny boiler you've had to deal with), that restoring my sense of power and control was essential. Absolutely essential. I don't think we have to do a lot but when we do something to 'block' this person from hurting us, it certainly helps curtail that powerless feeling!

When she was 'stalking you' and 'harassing you', did you take legal action? Threaten legal action?? Did you ever turn around, even in a parking lot and tell teh w***e to Back Off or you would call the cops??? What happened when she laughed in your face?


Hugs,
CZ

[jaycee]

cz, at the time, i was stunned, and caught off guard, I did nothing, only when she called, i said stay away from my husband you dirty w***e and hung up, seeing her in person, at first, i didnt even realize it was her, i should have done something at the time, but i was weak and he was threatning to leave if i didnt shut my fn mouth, exact words, then i crumbled did nothing and just wanted to keep him from her having him, now i gave him to her and it hurts even more.  im surprized i put up with so much, but right now, i know in my heart, they will be the demise of themselves, as he is moving faster and faster into his N mode, and is doing women all over and she probably can sense it, so i figure let them do their own thing, and when its over it will be a disaster for both, because they are both sick individuals, and when she accepts that his infidelities are real she will go absolutely crazy and probably kill him, oh well, he should have kept it in his pants.