Experts share disturbing information about the far-reaching consequences of porn

[BlueSky]

I thought some people's response to what my exN did was wrong - I didn't agree with what my sister and Mom said and was surprised at the response from the therapists - but decided that I should try to save the marriage, as I took my vows seriously, but only if he acknowledged he had a problem and worked on it.  He never did.  My mother later on told me that I didn't have to accept what he was doing.  Once I started telling her everything that happened in the marriage, she told me I did the right thing in leaving.  At the time of the marriage, few people saw anything wrong going on - exN was good at the facade and he had me scared enough that I wasn't telling anyone anything.

You have mentioned the link between NPD and pedophilia before when I've written about what happened in the past.  It is creepy.  As far as I know, there was just a few times he tried to download the child porn and only about 6 weeks of the incest crap.  He stopped all viewing of porn for about  9 months and then started up again - but nothing as bad as what he'd done before.  His breaking the promise was enough for me though.  I wasn't going to wait and see if he'd get worse again.

Also, I think one reason I was scared to do much of anything when I found out what exN had been doing is that earlier in the year, exN had threatened me if I ever made him 'look bad' in front of friends again.  I don't think I've written about the incident that caused him to threaten that....but when I decided I had to get out of the marriage, I was quite careful about not unduly upsetting exN - I was very afraid of him even though he'd never been physically violent.  I thought he was definitely capable of hurting me and/or himself. 

Looking back, I know what the law is and what I 'should' have done - but I am convinced that if I'd turned him in all hell would have broken loose.  I never looked at what he downloaded so I do not know if he could have been convicted or not....  but just being arrested....heavens, he would have been raging mad.  I think its possible the reason he's been so hurtful post-divorce is that he never told NW why I left and he's scared she'll find out.

[CZBZ]

People have the strangest ideas about 'relationships', bluesky. I used to have strange ideas about relationships, too. Especially when it came to husband-and-wife sexual behavior. Now when people say stupid things, I recognize how 'dumb' I was, how accepting of Folk Wisdom I had been which I consider to be Folk Dumbdom now. the idea being that if a man and woman are satisfied sexually, they won't be drawn towards illegal porn, become incestuous, infidel, or whatever the perversion may be.

Now people might not agree with my opinion which is fine. I often discover I don't agree with my own opinions either once i have more information to base that opinion on. To me, infidelity is a perversion because of the way it hurts the trusting partner and threatens children's RIGHT to feel safe and secure and protected. The third party in any sexual liason IS a threat so to me, that's a perversion, a sign of unhealthy narcissism that discounts other people's welfare and focuses on the lower instincts and impulses.

As I recall, the woman who turned in her husband had other factors she considered which included 'acting' on his incestuous impulses. She ended up moving away as far as possible and remaining incognito to protect herself and her children because even though her husband went to jail, it was not a life term. that's a huge consideration when calling the police and a serious complication because if you are aware your spouse is selling or downloading child porn in your home, you may be considered an accomplice. I doubt most people even think about that legal issue for themselves.

Narcissists and sexual perversions are common. We have a few threads in The Duck Pond by a woman who helped me understand the connection. You can find them if you run a search on the forum member's name: flower. She did investigative work on Narcissism and Paraphilias and educated me about stuff I really did not want to know.

It's that 'I don't wanna know' thinking that gets people in trouble. And for the most part, people don't wanna know so they rationalize and poo-poo behavior that might only be the tip of the iceberg. Which is why I take a firm stance against pornography and view it was a red flag....


Hugs,
CZ

[BlueSky]

Strange ideas...I imagine there are plenty out there.  I know I did feel guilty (as well as angry) when I found out what exN was doing... we hadn't been having sex. 

Later on, I thought about it and exN was the one that stopped touching me (let alone anything else) when I was about 6 months pg - he stated that "pregnant women aren't sexy".  He didn't say *I* wasn't sexy, but he pretty much stopped all physical touching.  (I was later floored when exN years later said he changed his mind and that pg women were arousing and that he'd viewed porn with pg women in it.  Bleah.)

I didn't know it at the time, but exN apparently began the regular use of porn when our son was born.  He later said he was filling the void left by the lack of intimacy between us.  He was the one that caused that void.  I think his withdrawal of attention, affection and initiation of sex after our son was born was punishment for my wanting to have a child, my spending time caring for our child and for my not caring much when he told me after he had a vasectomy (about 3 months after the baby was born) that we didn't have to worry as 'things still worked'.  Typical for an N, cause a problem and blame the other person.

The situation you describe sounds horrific.  When I found out what exN had been doing, I hadn't yet acknowledged that he was verbally and emotionally abusive, but I was scared of him.  I did think he was depressed as he isolated himself so much of the time.  I knew something was horribly wrong - and although I wanted to leave right when I found out, I felt that I should try to see if there was anything I could do to help him.  I didn't want to make anything worse.

I hate to admit it, but I didn't know what the laws were in our state at that time.  Our state is one where illegal porn is a felony, a person who is living under the same roof who knows what the other person is doing and doesn't turn them can be arrested and having illegal porn in the house is considered child abuse and CPS can take your kids away.  Plus, if you are convicted of illegal porn, after you get out of prison you have to register as a sex offender.  I can understand why the woman you know of did what she did including moving far away and staying incognito.  Anyway, I found out what the law was because I did want to know.  But I am sure there are people out there that don't.

I have no idea if exN would ever act out...but I did warn one SIL who had young kids to beware of him.   

I think porn is a red flag...but I don't talk about it much with anyone.

[Flower]

Reading back on my original post, I had meant to type, "Spiritual disconnect" instead of "spiritual discontent."  I thought of being "disconnected" emotionally and only there physcially, like two animals in heat.
Yes, there is this discontent as well, when the woman is just there physically to please her partner rather than a spiritual connection.

Bluesky,
Your post:
"My psychologist told me that when he sees couples and it comes out that the guy has viewed child porn, he tells the wife to leave.  He told me it was a huge disservice that my original therapists basically swept the porn use under the rug.  I felt validated."

There is a a very well respected politician in my state, who had child porn on his computer. He also was arrested for trying to solicit an underage girl for sex. It was a sting operation. One of the first things law enforcement did was to seize his computer.  For whatever reason, his wife stuck by him even though he will be an old man by the time he gets out of prision. Furthermore, a psychologist labled him as a "sociopath."

This goes to prove that once these guys have this disgusting porn on their computer, they go on a quest to act out their depraved fantasy. If you have ever watched the TV series, "To Catch a Predator," you realize how driven this meN
are to obtain a young female or male for sex. 


Your psychologist is right to urge women to leave.
Flower