Good Blog, needing to hear sane talk today

[betterdays]

I just clicked on a link Susy provided,  http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/  and listened to Linda Martinez-Lewi's blog on N's and Sociopathy.  It was very good. I do not have money for every book and resource I find, but the blog is reinforcing and positive about what we know.  Thank you  Susy, I needed this very badly today.

This morning N received a call from a former co worker he had not seen in over 30 years. I met the guy once, and N told me he was a "chump"  that N just tolerated.   I sat in the next room listening to the most happy, lively, sparkling conversationalist I have ever heard.  No wonder everyone thinks he is the best.  He told this former coworker things he would never say to me:  how much he loves the sound of crickets at night,  how HE feeds the wildlife that comes to MY garden (he does not do a thing--my hands do the work, and it was my idea to begin with), and that San Francisco "is MY town,  I mean, that is the best city, and I love to go there."  He never mentioned a family until the guy obviously asked who had answered the phone, and N said,  "Oh, yeah, that's Betterdays, you met her once....no, not her...  No, that was a different one..."  No mention of the word "wife", no mention at all of the child who will not speak to him, no mention of my  family, or their  refusals to deal with him anymore.

Just before the call, N came to where I was working and began pointing his finger at me, telling me how I had mishandled the air conditioner repair, and what I should have said instead.  I did not make eye contact, but told him I am a competent adult, and I deal well with other people.  He stormed out of the room.  Right after the phone call, he told me I have too many things, and to get rid of some of them.  I did not say anything, but just as soon as I can, I will do exactly as he demanded.  I have one very useless, toxic thing in mind, to begin with.

[Sweatheart]

Betterdays, I think you are on the right path. By the way the book of Linda Martinez-Lewi was one of the best. There is no possibility on good and normal life with N involved. They are parasites that suck you dry and hold responsible for their moods, their disorder, or simply keeping you miserable. One way or another Narc is interested in destroying you. Only then he can straighten his spine and announce: "oh, I always saw he as the person with self-destructive pattern, she was always on edge, I guess it is her insanity that was always showing, she always worried me as a person who can not hold it together, etc". And then he will feel justified and good. You know, I so DO NOT LIKE THESE Ns!

It is hard thing to divorce - a lot of stress, but it worth it. It takes only one step at a time and this will be the road to healing and acknowledging yourself. Re-claiming yourself. Basically I see that there is not that much of a choice - if someone is married to the abusive N, the only way to save your health is to divorce the N

(((Hugs)))

[betterdays]

Upon looking through my books, I do have it, and it was one of the first I read.  It is quite good and well written. 

I am thinking of giving a divorce dinner for me and my friends.  I love to cook, and we could have a candlelghting ceremony.  I want to  light my wedding vows, that N composed from a list of my favorite poetry, and then light the candles from that.  Or just throw them on the barbeque and dance.  When all I can do for now is fantasize about freedom, it feels pretty futile. 

[Litha]

... he told me I have too many things, and to get rid of some of them.  I did not say anything, but just as soon as I can, I will do exactly as he demanded.  I have one very useless, toxic thing in mind, to begin with.

  betterdays, have I told you how much I enjoy your posts?

 
Litha

[betterdays]

Why, Litha?  I usually post when I feel really bad.

[talia]

I sat in the next room listening to the most happy, lively, sparkling conversationalist I have ever heard.  No wonder everyone thinks he is the best.  He told this former coworker things he would never say to me:  how much he loves the sound of crickets at night,  how HE feeds the wildlife that comes to MY garden

Oh, betterdays...Did you look around for a barf bucket? I can just imagine this conversation as the N loves portraying himself as an altruist. One of the many descriptions he gives of himself is philanthropist. Nothing could be further from the truth,of course. Yes, until I knew better, I thought he was wonderful..How can you not trust a guy who scoops up a cricket that found it's way indoors and carries it outside to set it free?....LOL LOL...Sadly, I did:(

He's nuts, you're not.

[Orange Poppy]

One way or another Narc is interested in destroying you. Only then he can straighten his spine and announce: "oh, I always saw he as the person with self-destructive pattern, she was always on edge, I guess it is her insanity that was always showing, she always worried me as a person who can not hold it together, etc". And then he will feel justified and good. You know, I so DO NOT LIKE THESE Ns!

Yup...yup, yup.  I so do not like these Ns either, Sweatheart.  And Betterdays, I know how they can mess with your head, making you feel like it's all about how crazy you are while they waltz around like Svengali, leading the average bear to think THEY are the altruistic wizards and authentic teachers while the rest of us poor slobs are just groveling about waiting for their words of wisdom to lead us to the holy grail.
One barf bucket would hardly be enough, I fear...just remember, Betterdays, with these fellas, what we see is not what we get.
Thinking of you with special concern...
OPoppy

[betterdays]

Thank you all.  I know we are all in the same boat, and in varying stages of leaving, or we would not be here.  This board, and my family, are keeping me sane.  Oh yes, that Xanax my dentist's brother prescribed is helping me sleep.  I have to add up the good things daily.

[SusyP14]

Right after the phone call, he told me I have too many things, and to get rid of some of them.  I did not say anything, but just as soon as I can, I will do exactly as he demanded.  I have one very useless, toxic thing in mind, to begin with.

OMG that made me laugh.  Good for you!!!  Also, don't forget the library as a great resource for things we can not afford!

[Litha]

Why, Litha?  I usually post when I feel really bad.

Even when you are feeling bad you have a way with words and a dry wit that is addictive. It is amazing to me that you can do what you are doing while you still live with that man

[betterdays]

Thank you.  I barely make it through weekends.

[inflatedheart]

WOW! You were so strong and courageous! Good for you!

I don't have an N-partner (my husband is AMAZING!), but your husband's behavior sounds a lot like my N-mother. My husband I had just gotten engaged and we were attending a family event together. Mother introduced my fiance (now husband) as my "friend" to our family members. I was so hurt and angry, but instead allowed myself to introduce him as my fiance. Before we were engaged, we had been dating for three years and been friends since we were in high school. When he would tag along at family events, instead of introducing him as my boyfriend, again he was referred to as a "friend". It is infuriating to hear that the N does not acknowledge you (or your partner) properly. You're not just "so and so", you have a name and you are his wife. Again, this just shows the sort of contempt and malice that they have for other people!

[betterdays]

 Inflatedheart,

I don't even know what to say about the "not that one" remark. There must be one they both remember.  My identity has not included him for about 16 years.  I do not wear my wedding ring or ever refer to him in a public setting.  One on one with my friends who know, I do discuss what is happening.  As far as being a couple, we have not ridden in the same car or gone to the same place, even holidays, for over a year, and not very often before that for 3 years.

I feel better now, after a day of him being away at work, and me having a late class.  I love learning and having a place in a class of people with a common interest.

[inflatedheart]

Betterdays-- I feel the same about my parents and sister. They are not part of the family that I acknowledge or are even a part of who I am. I am so glad to hear that you are enjoying your independence. You definitely deserve it. I guess our perspectives differ because at the time, I really wanted everyone to be happy for me. I definitely had to relearn how to find happiness that was not contingent upon their validation or approval.

[SusyP14]

I definitely had to relearn how to find happiness that was not contingent upon their validation or approval.

That was the biggest lesson I had learned that desperately wanting approval made you a target for Ns.

[betterdays]

Yes, when I was younger it broke my heart every time he refused to acknowledge me or my contributions.  I was so very much in love with his charming side, I just became confused and hurt.  Trust me, time sort of scarred over those feelings of love and wishfulness.