Healthy Boundaries: Ways to Say "No." to an N/P

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi.

I've culled this list (mostly alphabetized) from a variety of P-focused websites and thought it might be useful here as helpful conversational tools to use in your "repeat this to N/P ad Nauseum" arsenal as you reduce/eliminate harmful communications.  Note, in my experience, most of these just invite an N/P to banter.  If it's total silence you're after, declarative monosyllables still work wonders.  My own editorials are in red.

•   "Actually, I don't agree with you P."
•   "Are you willing to stop doing that?"
•   "Can we/I count on your co-operation with this P?"
•   "Crying/swearing/threats/shouting won't work anymore and it doesn't solve anything."
•   "Excuse me P but I'm late. Take care of yourself P.  G'bye".
•   "First we need to decide ... P."
•   "Have you thought of the consequences P?" (Don't offer any; let him figure it out.)
•   "Hm. Interesting."
•   "Hmmm."
•   "Huh. What are you going to do about that?" (Very effective, since these people want you to fix their
        problems.)
•   "Huh."  [a NewWings fav; I find that this one works well face-to-face, accompanied by turning one's back]
•   "I am not responsible for that."
•   "I do not want you to contact me any more P.”
•   "I don’t want to talk about it."
•   "I don't intend to answer your question. I'd prefer you didn't ask me."
•   "I don't want to get involved P."
•   "I don't want to hear anything about P.”
•   "I have no idea P."
•   "I know you feel differently, but it doesn't change my decision."
•   "I need to be alone right now."
•   "I need to check things out a bit myself before we discuss this any further P".
•   "I need you to leave.” OR “You are leaving now.”
•   "I need you to stop blaming me P.”
•   "I understand I've done that before, but this time I can't. That's my decision."
•   "I understand you feel that way, but I don't intend to debate this P. My answer is "No".”
•   "I understand you're upset, but that doesn't change my decision."
•   "I want [need] you to stop blaming me P.”
•   "I won't discuss this when you use that tone of voice P."
•   "I’ll get back to you later." (Preferred: "Please call me Tuesday and I'll let you know my decision then.")
•   "If I need your opinion, I'll ask for it."
•   "I'll have to think about that P" or more positively "No, I don't want to do that.”
•   "I'm confused, what are you getting at P?" "This is interesting P, tell me more" or "I'm not sure I understand you P."
        or play into his ego, "How interesting; how did you do that?"
•   "I'm done discussing this and won't read, or reply, to any further communications on the topic."
        [traditionally has resulted in yet more messages from XNH which I don't read but just file]
•   "I'm sorry you feel that way P."
•   "I'm taking the advice they gave me P."
•   "In what way do you mean that P?"
•   "It seems we see things differently."  [this one has also been used repeatedly by XNH in front of the mediator]
•   "Let's talk when you're not so upset."
•   "My answer is no and it's not subject to negotiation." [from "Trading Places", and a NewWings fav]
•   "No I won't be doing that; I've changed my mind."
•   "No, but thanks for asking."
•   "No, I don't think so P."
•   "No, I don't THINK so."
•   "No, I DON'T think so."
•   "No, I don't want to do that P. "
•   "No, I haven't decided yet P."
•   "No, I'm not going to discuss my reasons; that's my decision P.”
•   "No, it seems like we may not agree 100% of the time P."
•   "No." (with no explanations)
•   "Oh."  [another monosyllable NewWings fav]
•   "P, the family feels that ..."
•   "P, this is becoming annoying. I've given you my decision P, and I won't change my mind."
•   "People have been saying that I should ...."
•   "Since she isn't here P to give us her side of the story I think it would be best not to talk about this any more."
•   "Some of us have discussed this and we feel that …."
•   "Thanks for your concern, but I'd prefer not to."
•   "That's a commitment you're responsible for P."
•   "That's an interesting situation P; let me know how it turns out."
•   "That's enough of that P."
•   "That's my decision P"
•   "That's not my problem.”  [a NewWings fav when XNH expects me to clean up his mess with d]
•   "That's not what I meant, you misunderstood.”  [this one is turnabout; XNH uses it on me as projection]
•   "That's our decision P.”
•   "That's your problem P; I am not going to get involved."  [a fav NewWings convo-ender]
•   "There are times we just don't seem to agree on everything P.”
•   "This is annoying P, I'm busy and this is taking up too much of my time.”
•   "This is becoming annoying."
•   "What are your expectations?"
•   "What do you mean?"
•   "What is it you expect from me?"
•   "What is it you want?"  [bottom-lines it but is an opening for a withholding/P-A N/P to play]
•   "What is the reason you called me?"
•   "What is your question?"
•   "Whose money is it?"
•   "Whose problem is it P?"
•   "Why are you asking me this P?”
•   "Wow, that's too bad."
•   "You made the mess; you need to be the one to clean it up."
•   "You'll be glad to know P that you won't have to involve me in your plans. I'm sure you'll be able to take care of it
        yourself. I look forward to hearing how it turned out."
    (Here is an opportunity to watch his use of words and how he uses the "we" word.)
•   "You'll be glad to know that's something you can do yourself."
•   "You'll have to cope with your feelings P, but my decision is "No".
•   "You'll have to cope with your feelings.”
•   "You're absolutely right." (You may not mean it however.)
•   "Your issues are your problem."  [a NewWings e-mail fav, followed by NC]
•   (Adopting a Scottish accent: "You're in a wee bit of a snit today aren't ya.")
•   “We’ll discuss this when you aren’t so upset.”
•   “What is your question for me?”
•   (Be on the watch for the 'statements' he says presented as questions and do not respond.)
•   (Mirroring Technique: Repeat his words and actions. Repeat/Shout (mirror) his own words right back at him.
        Mirroring can throw them off their high horse. Expect it to be difficult to avoid saying "I'm sorry, but ...." Don't
        apologize.)
•   (Try a little 'assumed compliance' such as, "I'm sure you'll agree P that …." Make it seem like his idea. "I'm
        sure I remember P you once felt that …." or, "I remember you once mentioned P, that ….")

It's reading/assembling lists like this that make me realize just how many of these I've had to use on XNH, or should have used -- and how much of his behavior is more P than N.

And as always, if in direct company these work better when one isn't looking at N/P in the eyes, isn't facing them, or while one is ... already walking away.

Hope this is helpful to WoN members.

NewWings4MeNow

[RB22]

I love the simple question of "Why?"

he never seems to know how to answer it....at least 2 years ago he didn't. LOL... and gave me a slew of reasons which had nothing to do with why he wanted what he wanted from me.

My next answer was 'No'.

If he can't give an answer to Why... the answer is No.

[NewWings4MeNow]

RB,

I'm glad that works for you.

If I ask XNH "Why?" he writes five paragraphs that dance and never answer the question.  (Just by asking I've told him that there's information I need/want from him, so the puppeteering begins.)

Or he says that it's not my business to know.

Either way, the conversation is over.

So I don't ever ask, and take the shortcut route to "No."

Example:  XNH proposes Argentina trip with d.  With provisos, I agree.  He's already e-mailed re: her passport, which I've filed for and is en route, so I acknowledge and, when it arrives, I respond to his request and e-mail him the #, issue date/place etc.  Fully three weeks before the trip he declares, suddenly (and in the middle of their joint therapy sessions), that he needs her passport the next day, which I know for certain is a bunch of hogwash.  I can either reply with a "Why do you need it?" and get lies for answers and multiple rounds of escalating e-mail ping-pong, or not reply.  I don't reply.  Amazingly, no further e-mails come.  D tells him she'll have her passport, her personal/individual property, with her at the airport to board the flight.  End of story.  Net is that he'd created a power play out of nothing, to build up the importance of him being "in charge" of an international trip with d arranged just three days after he'd hit her.  I'm past it.

NewWings4MeNow

[Legs]

New Wings,
 I read your list and then I copied it and printed it out. I am going to have it right by the phone because IT IS MUCH NEEDED IN MY LIFE! I have figured out that besides getting rid of the N husband (still not there yet.....his attorney asked for some more time before our mediation after she got a gander and the BOXES of evidence I had for her) but I realized shortly after leaving my home last October, that there are a few other people I need to ditch. Most of them were easy because I did not make contact with them when they emailed me and Lucifer decides who he will give my number to and who he won't. Of course, he only gives it to people that he knows I would rather never hear from again.

Anyway...it made me chuckle and I wanted to have it close by because it can be a good list to use with all KINDS of irritating people....

Thanks! Thanks!
Legs

[NewWings4MeNow]

Leggy Girl,

Changing your number and only informing your ten closest would do wonders to cut down on your Irritating People Whom I Still Need to Ditch list -- but don't tell Lucifer and destroy the fun ... at least, for the first month or so .... 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries -- they're all around us just CRYING OUT to be implemented!

NewWings4MeNow

[eyes_up]

The healthiest boundary of them all is to not be any where near N or P listening any words at all.

eyes

[NewWings4MeNow]

eyes,

Amen.

NewWings4MeNow

[Flower]

Good discussion here.

IMO, the best way to say, "NO" to a  narcissist is to disengage and have no contact. My experience is that they twist everything to blame someone else anyway.
Nothing is EVER their fault.

Flower

[happygirl]

This best answer is "no".  My exnh wants to debate the situation.  I learned if I answer exnh with reasons, then he just counter acts till he has worn me down.  I am on the defense and he is on offense.  Defense is not where you want to be when you are dealing with an N.  Better yet, I shouldn't need to defend a good response so I respond with two letters ~no.  He plays by my rules now.

I made the decision a long time ago, that I do not need to justify my decisions and IF I do, I need to make sure it is the end of the conversation because my exnh has to have the last word.  He will debate to the bitter end of an argument. 

Just saying "no" with no explanation gives me the last word.

Hug!

[Litha]

great list New Wings. I would add that inflection makes a big difference in how well these lines work. They are best delivered in a flat monotone, as if you were channeling Ben Stein.

If the P detects any sarcasm -- or emotion of any kind -- they will latch on to it as supply.

[CZBZ]

"channeling Ben Stein" !!!





Great list, Wings! I've never seen such a list as this! thank you so much for taking the time post it!


Hugs,
CZ

[betterdays]

Ha!  Litha, channeling Ben Stein is about the only thing I haven't tried!  The  thing that really works is dead silence, either because I'm not there, or I just left the room.. If he follows, or waits for me, I have found that staring blankly, then sort of wandering off while he waits for an answer works pretty well.  "No" gets revenge going.

[NewWings4MeNow]

"Channeling Ben Stein" is another version of what I've previously described on WoN as adopting an emotionless, dead, you-can't-touch-me voice tone that's 100% business, almost bored, definitely unaffected.

Great example.

NewWings4MeNow

[honeybearII]

Very funny, Wings.  Unfortunately, responding in ANY WAY with most of these comments just brings out the over-the-top competitiveness and defenses of the narcissist in my experience.  I found that the most effective way to deal with exNH was to simply let him ramble on and on without giving him ANYTHING until he ran down and then simply say, "Well, I've got to go".  Then turn your back and leave or hang up.  Period.  End of discussion.

ANY response is supply.  That has been my mantra for a long time now.
Honey

[NewWings4MeNow]

Like I said, this list was compiled from existing P sites, and my personal view is the lesser the better.

Imagine if you were in a public social situation where a conversation of sorts was necessary, maybe even encountering a new N/P that you could read in a flash, and you used nothing but the phrases on this list.

How long do you think that conversation would last on N/P's end, in minutes or seconds?

NewWings4MeNow

[redhairtemper]

This list couldn't come at a better time!  While I have primary custody of my children and can go months without one word of contact with my ex my fiance is not so lucky.  His ex (also an N) has custody and he does have to interact with her or lose all contact with his kids.

She showed up unexpectedly at his daughter's kindergarten orientation today which they had previously agreed that only he would attend.  Anyway, he could have really used this list.

Here are my top two favourite statements that shut down an N:

-it's been my experience that they love to stir up trouble in public so that you agree with them to avoid causing a scene, I find this one works wonders:

"This is not the time, nor the place"  (repeat as necessary)  (my fiance used it at his son's play last year when ambushed by his ex who wanted him to come over and clean the kitty litter and scrub her floor after he had refused in writing  - worked like a charm).

The second one is great for dismissing a gaslighting attempt and allows you to follow up with your own take on the situation if you wish:

"That is neither here nor there"

You can then follow up with your own opinion/statement or let it hang there to let the N figure out what to do with it.

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Red,

Glad this is useful to you.

Some years ago d was in a kids metro area musical drama group.  I brought a date to their final show and set breakdown.  He was kind enough to contribute his muscle to helping the men (in a room of 50 people all working) while XNH disappeared for the first half hour.  Then he showed up and managed to work side-by-side with my date, literally shadowing him, carrying/loading sets.  At the post-show dinner for families XNH and gf sat at a different table.  At evening's end the actors were each offered store window "sets" used to market the show which were large portrait photos of themselves in costume, on stands.  D came to me and, in front of XNH, told me to take hers home.  (That week she was with him.)  Between the dinner tables and in the crowd, XNH stated that he wanted it (in direct defiance of d's wishes) and started to make a scene.  My date, a Southern man, told me to let it go, so I did.  

Great example of what you mention about having to say yes to avoid a scene.

That was, I think, the last close quarters, not "controlled" moment I've ever had with XNH in public.

NewWings4MeNow