The HSP Badge of Courage

[Reflector]

I'm not ashamed to wear the HSP red badge of courage. I enjoy the advantages that heightened sensitivity offers me even though society shames my gentler, more refined traits. Sadly, even empathetic women are duped into believing society's ideal masculine molds and they usually end up paying for it. Even though these same women end up in unhappy relationships with emotionally unavailable types, the social programming is so strong and so embedded inside the subconscious, it cannot always be accessed to break the mainstream pattern.

I've lived long enough inside my skin to understand indepthy the subtle, yet tangible ways that society rejects or rebuffs heightened sensitivity. As a young adult I dated women who enjoyed my company at a friendship level, but couldn't commit any further. They considered me a friend whom they could rely upon through thick and thin; someone who listened deeply and who offered them a rich reservoir of conversation, yet when it came to the final decision, they chose someone with more aggressive traits. On the flipside, I've known women who are physically attractive to me, but who bore me on a relational level, because it's like pulling teeth to get them to open up on a deeper emotional level.

It takes strength to be yourself when your personality traits go contrary to the ideal. As an educator I've had to learn many painful lessons and strategies about how to cope when facing authority issues. Students seem to be bent upon manipulating sensitive male teachers and have difficulities taking them seriously. Though I'm not as marginalized as a geek may be, I still feel like an alien in most social situations. For a time, I even began to develop social anxiety because I felt lost trying to understand the social dynamics around me.

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Reflector,

As someone who once commented to XNH that I realized I somehow didn't have the "sifter" that other people seemed to have to maneuver social situations, what I've learned in coming to forums and reading about PDs has been the larger lessons of studying psychology in general and all kinds of aspects of human behavior -- all because of needing to learn about PDs.  (And yes, as a latch-key kid raised by housekeepers while my parents worked in NYC and my mother was a hard-driving fashion exec, my grandmother used to say to me, "NewWings, you're too sensitive."  I was never told about core human value and instructed to defend myself as my right to become less sensitive.  As my father agreed last week, I basically raised myself.  So I do know a bit about what you speak; my sensitivity reared its head when my brother abused me, when neighborhood kids abused me and I didn't know what to do about it so I absorbed it instead.)

I realized that I'd never STUDIED PEOPLE.  And that this is a critical, critical life lesson that kids need to be taught very young.  

But it's not too late -- survivors like folks on WoN are a testament to that.

The piece I never picked up on was that other people's motives and motivations aren't necessarily like mine, aren't necessarily genuine and consistent with what they say/how they try to act -- and the whole notion that people wear masks, disordered or not.

And so learning about postures/body language, facial expressions, voice tones -- in essence, the stuff the intelligence and law enforcement communities use daily, (as well as politicians, actors, corporate management et al.), is wildly useful as it opens a door into a new world:  The layers below/beyond the presentation.  

Because of this adventure the way I now view, listen to, understand and interact with people has changed forever, hopefully for the better ... with the usual trips and stumbles along the way ....

Perhaps directing your study toward these kinds of topics might be useful for you?

The other main lesson I've learned is that, somewhere/somehow along the way I was either never taught about my own instinct, or perhaps never given permission to live by it, or was perhaps trained to respond to outside permissions always over my own instinct, so through the years I became disconnected from it/didn't see it/no longer relied on it but came to rely instead of any kind of outside input I could gather.  In essence I replaced my own instinct void with Other People's Opinions.  Which shifts power from the Self to Those Outside the Self and can make one quite stagnant if one is afraid to move in any direction without that approval.  (When someone doesn't have a supportive mate in a R, and that mate becomes abusive and maliciously manipulative, this tendency kicks in hard and if one's voluntarily assumed position in the R is socioeconomically dependent, that makes it more difficult for the one becoming recessive to keep the peace and comfortable safety going until it's no longer possible to do so.)

Recapturing one's own instinct, testing its rightness and relying on the fact that, though it's not right for others it's right for you and that is the #1 primary thing that matters, is a really important step toward strengthening the True Self.  Even if we have to swim upstream, pull away from the herd or actively defy those who've influenced us to get free enough to do it.

Through time I've taken inventory and found that, when I've not trusted my instinct, things have gone more awry than if I'd done so.

Doing this at first can be so tentative it's like dipping our toe in the water, then going in ankle-deep, then knee-deep, then waist-high, then gradually swimming around.  

There's nothing wrong with gentleness, with refinement.  Especially if we were raised in a certain culture or geography and find ourselves having to operate in a substantially different culture that's perhaps more rough-hewn.  

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," societal shaming and all.  If our backbone is stronger than society's will to break it, we continue to stand tall and walk among those who don't necessarily support or defend us, but we no longer care if they do because we support and defend ourselves.

NewWings4MeNow

[Reflector]

New Wings,

After reading your unexpected, insightful, wise and non-intrusive response, I felt the same uplifting sensation as I do after having coffee or dinner with someone who understood me inside and out with the vigor that such a rare interaction generates.

I'm not the kind of person that immediately responds to posts, but usually need to reflect on the nuances. What I can say right off the cuff, is that you are one of the few sensitive personality types I have read who carries an air of authority.  Many thanks for taking the time to articulate what my heart has always felt, but could not quite express without your help.

Btw as an after-thought I added a couple of lines to my original post (about heightened sensitivity and its flip-side of getting bored with candidates who are attractive, but who have a terrible time expressing their emotions). You might want to reread that edited section. I'd love your feedback.

   Reflector

P.S. Can I publish your response on my blog? It is so well thought out. See the link below in my signature.

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Reflector,

Sure, feel free to publish my response on your blog using only my screen name.  CZ, can Reflector include a reference to WoN there, or is it better to not for privacy?

I'm a type A who's been described as "articulate" many times.  And as to authority, I try to convey what I've learned with grounding/back-up/reasons and proof of how it's helped; if that works for you, wonderful.

Re: your comments about edits to your original post, it's finding that balance with a prospective partner that makes it magic for a time, and contributes toward a R working for the long haul.  

As to understanding you inside and out, I appreciate the compliment and recognize that these things occur for real only through time, exposure, shared experiences and values.  If my expressions have struck important chords for you, I'm glad they're of value.

BTW, I'm interested to learn the origin of your screen name.  Reflector can mean one who thinks/considers, or one who may be thought of essentially as mirroring.  What was your original intention with its selection?

NewWings4MeNow

[Reflector]

New Wings,

It's late, but I wanted to just write down a few lines before turning off the computer tonight.  First, thanks for the permission to publish your post. I don't usually make such requests, but you were the exception.  Second, the way you wrote that amazing post was as if you knew me inside out (if only you knew), for I too was a latch-key child and practically raised myself and my kid sister.

See you,
Reflector

P.S. You wanted to know the significance I attach to my handle name... well, I wanted something that depicted the two meanings you referred to.