Low self-confidence/body image problems

[Sugar]

Has anyone battled with low self-confidence and/or body images problems, or is currently struggling with it?

I personally have problems with both. I have struggled with it a long time, but I feel like I am getting a little better with it as of recently.

I have anorexic tendencies, though I have never fallen prey to the disorder, thank God. I believe this stems from a thoughtless comment my NM made to me when I was a little girl (maybe 8 or 9 years old?). Once, she asked if my "stomach looked lumpy", as if I were gaining weight. I was never a fat or even chubby kid, she was referring to how little girls (even the skinniest ones) have tummies that stick out a little - I think it would look odd, like the child was emaciated if they didn't look like that. I responded with upset and asked if she was saying I was fat. She told me no. I think she said it to me as a "making sure" kind of thing and didn't mean no harm, as even still, my NM asks me annoying things just to "make sure" when she already knows the answer and it's quite obvious. But even if I WAS gaining weight (which I wasn't), shouldn't it have been handled in a better way than that?

Since she told me that, I became obsessive with calorie counting and was determined not to get fat. It has been something that haunted my whole childhood and still does. I am not so bad with counting calories anymore, but I still fear gaining weight.

I have wondered if I suffer with body dysmorphic disorder because I have hated myself for a long time and seen myself as "fat" even though I take small clothes sizes and people say I have a nice figure I have or how pretty I look. Sometimes, I find myself thinking, "Who the hell are they looking at?? That is not what I see when I look in the mirror."

I tend to go through phases where I can literally hate everything about myself and wish my soul could be taken out of my body and put into a more "perfect" one. I find myself wishing I had blonde hair, bigger breasts, fuller lips, etc. I think what contributed in messing my head up with this is that I found porn on the family computer because of my dad looking it up, and my NM discovered it two other times. I NEVER expected it from my father because he is the old-school really old-fashioned kind that is too embarrassed to even say the word "period". Not only was it weeks of holy hell arguing when my NM found it, but the women he seemed to look up as a pattern filled the criteria of what I mentioned above. I guess it subconsciously pounded the idea into my head that this is the "perfect look".

Lately, I have been in a pretty good mood about myself, though. I have found myself not wishing to look like a bimbo and feeling that natural is what is beautiful, not being a carbon copy of some slutty image that makes people immediately think "sex" when they see you. For the first time lately, I am feeling like I GENUINELY don't want to look like that. I think my fiance is helping me to heal because he always tells me how not all men like that image and he is personally repulsed by it, and always has been since forever. I count myself was incredibly lucky to have found him because he truly has no desire to think of or look at others - and that is exactly how I am! We both feel it is adultery to think of another like that when you are with someone just as if you physically had an affair. And it's not like we have to "force" ourselves not to look or think - it just comes natural that it doesn't phase or cross our minds because it's just how we have always been by nature.

I also think me regularly exercising lately has helped in boosting my confidence a lot.

I hope I stay in this good and confident mood..it's sometimes so easy to sink into a negative self-hating mood. I am thinking I should maybe read some books on self-confidence and loving yourself better, so if anyone has suggestions of some good ones, that would be greatly appreciated! And if anyone has any experiences or difficulties with this personally, maybe it would help us both to talk about it..

[kericoba3]

Hi Sugar,
     I completely understand how you are feeling. I too, have low self-esteem and body image issues. It started in childhood for me as well.  I was always the smallest kid and was one of the later "developers" so being hammered by that on a daily basis took its toll.  I have always wished for a "sexy" figure but instead I am built like a skinny boy (not really but thats how it feels).  I hate wearing a bathing suit and have always felt insecure when it came to being naked with my husband (N). He was all too proud to point out that his ideal woman was some Pamela Anderson wanna be and I am so far from that. I always felt as though I wasn't enough.
     I also found porn on his computer and it made me feel as though he betrayed me because I was not enough for him. Maybe men are visual creatures but it just crushed me to think he cared so little for me that he would do something he knew would devastate me. Knowing how insecure I am (was) and still looking at all those other women just made me feel worse about myself at the time.  I realize now that is just who he is and he doesn't care about me.   I have had so many bad experiences with this person that would be just the tip of the iceberg.
     I am doing therapy and working hard to correct how hard I am on myself and to improve my self-esteem.  I would strongly recommend it to you if you are not already doing it.  Reading books can be helpful but having a person who is trained to guide you in the direction of healing makes such a HUGE difference.  They can be amazing.  I have started to like who I am and realize that most women have things they would change or that they hate about their bodies too. 
     I know how hard it is to overcome the low self-image but it sounds like your man is a keeper.  He has the same ideals and thoughts about fidelity and trust that you seem to have and it seems like he is trying to tell you he loves you for you. Embrace tha.  It is a rare thing to find!! I am here for you!

Hugs,

Keri

[inflatedheart]

Ask yourself: Where do you think that this self-criticism originates? What function does it serve? Why is the perfect image so attractive to children of Narcissists?

My N-mother used to say all sorts of insensitive, horrible things about my body and I still struggle with self-image. When I was in college, I was a competitive synchronized swimmer. I was in the best shape of my life. During this time of my life, I was trying on a new pair of jeans and my mother patted my lower stomach saying, "The only thing you need to work on is this little area". It was an insult smothered in compliment-sauce! I instantly felt ugly, fat, stupid and unworthy. My mother struggled with her weight all her life and was morbidly obese up until 6 years ago when she had gastric bypass surgery. She often projected her own feelings of worth and body image into me. Seeming me so healthy really threatened her fragile N-self, so she felt the need to tear me down.

We can't simply focus on the sort of cruelty that N's have inflicted upon us (though it totally matters!), but we also have to consider how we react toward the N's demands for narcissistic supply. Personally, I felt very obligated to sacrifice my health, happiness, dreams and needs for the Narcissist's expectations. They expected me to have straight A's, be on the varsity swim team, be active in church, be skinny (the list goes on, and on, and on and on)... We pour all of our self-worth and happiness into meeting the needs of the Narcissist. When we fail to be perfect for the N, we feel worthless, stupid, bad. Perhaps this might be similar to what you're experiencing?

[mountainmama]

My personal pitfall is not body but face. I am nearly 30 and still struggle with acne and picking at my skin. That was what my NM harped on constantly, with comments like "You could be so pretty if it weren't for all those craters" and "You have your father's skin/features/coloring, too bad". She certainly made negative comments about my body as well (I got my period at 11 and was a C by 13, so you can imagine how much fun that was in my house!), but it never left the mark those other barbs did. Teenaged me realized early on she was being catty about my figure. And there's something about being despised for your face, as a kid you're stuck with what you were born with. I did struggle for about a year with body issues, right after my miscarriage, and wondered afterwards if they had any connection to her. I remembered that after she miscarried was when she let herself go physically, and that was when the second "abandonment" occurred. Thankfully my old resilient self kicked back in a year later, and I had no trouble getting back to a healthy size 10 by the time my husband came home from deployment. I did notice after moving near to my FOO that anytime I made an attempt to better myself (i.e. nutrition plan, organic groceries, joining a gym, joining a hiking group) the unsolicited response from her was inevitably negative. She took great pains to make me doubt myself and tried very hard to portray me as someone who had no self-esteem. So yes, I do think our residual self-image is shaped quite a lot by the Ns we grow up with.
-mm

[Legs]

I recently saw a dermatologist because I had a cyst on my back that was just getting bigger and bigger and I had two on my face...she prescribed Renova and it has not only dried them up, but it's like it is resurfacing my skin. It is removing small lines and bigger wrinkles and retexturing my whole face it seems like...smaller pores, finer texture. I am almost 60 and have always had decent skin, but 3 times in the last two weeks people have said I couldn't be over 40. I also bought some Teamine cream (which you can buy online...you don't need a prescription) and even tho I have only been using it for two mnths, it seems to really be helping to get rid of those black circles under my eyes.

The Renova is really for acne. Now something weird, I have had some breakouts on my face in the last week, but I think they are a result of signing up for 19 hours of college classes after not being in school for 37 years. It comes in different strengths. I have used about half a tube in two months. It's expensive and my insurance did not cover one penny of wither one of the products. I also had some small boils on my neck several months ago for the first time ever in my life, but that was before I started using these products. I think those were stress caused..my anger inside was breaking out on my skin maybe.

I am not a big cosmetics girl..in the past, my face only got washed in the morning when I took a shower and sometimes in the dead of winter, I might put hand lotion on my face when it was really dry.

Hope it's ok to mention this stuff here,...I know it's totally off topic, but for me it seems amazing.



Legs

[mountainmama]

Legs, the stress-induced breakouts sound about right. And since the N has been in my life since I had one.....lol, when has my body NOT been in stress mode?? Sounds like Renova might be a bit like Retin-A, which I have had prescribed for acne before and which did work wonders. Problem is, now I'm pregnant it's a no-no, known to cause birth defects. But once I'm postpartum I will check with my dr about going back on one of these to clear up my skin. Thanks for the tips! 
-mm

[eyes_up]

Mountain Mama... I agree with the stress in connection to skin as well as emotional stuff. On top of that picking is caused by anxiety. All together it is perfect match. I used to have the picking compulsion. Since I first ever had acne as a kid. It was after 2 years of therapy for anxiety and PTSD that it finally ended. In fact it took me some time to realize it just stopped.

Your mother talks a great deal like my mother ... critical. It isn't about the importance of being a person but skin, hair, teeth , what ya look like. I am so over it and sick and tired of being told what I look like by mother. so over it. This has been in my past a huge waste of time and attention.  I had to pay hard earned bucks to get that all of the crap she and culture  put to my mind sucked out that if there is even one word mentioned today about my skin ... I say "What you think about my skin, body etc... is none of my business" on top of that I don't care whether it is a compliment or not. It is all about critiquing and not seeing/communicating with  me but pointing out  an object.

Next is the fact that we are born into a society that has unreal ideals. People get brain washed into focusing on something that basically is what is and do not pay attention to self but an objectified self. So over it all ... so bored  of the beautiful object. Not only do I not find pleasure in being not the ideal but even that any thing beautiful be paid so much attention to as if that is my importance. It is NOT. I do not find meaning in once physical attractiveness. More attracted to peoples energy, emotional development, individuality and ability to express awareness. So, pulling the plug on the over importance of what a human looks like and placing my attention on who a person is.

Peace to you,


eyes_up

[honeybearII]

I think the criticism of mothers towards daughters is not just from N-mothers.  My mother was not an N, but she actually had me going to a "diet doctor" when I was about 13 years old!!  I am a large woman - 6' tall and will NEVER be considered "willowy" in anyone's stretch of the imagination.  At 13 I was tall and big and my mom is 5'2" and never had a weight problem.  You see where I'm going?  She was trying to make me over into her image, and I was and AM a completely different creature.

As a result of my mom's actions, I have suffered with body image my whole life.  Then I went and married an N who made it pretty clear after we were married that his woman of choice would have been - you guessed it - about 5'2' and skinny like a 12 year old boy.  Those were the women he chased after our whole marriage and his NW is EXACTLY that body type.

I have learned, finally, at almost 65 years old, that I AM WHO I AM.  I cannot magically change myself into a 5'5 willowly blonde.  While I work now to keep my weight in check after years of binge eating and ballooning up to being HUGE, I am not obsessed about it any longer.  I luckily remarried a man who LIKES that I am not some skinny, wispy woman.  It is my appeal to him that I am who I am.  A LOT of men are totally turned off by the plastic bodies and faces that are presented to the world as the Ideal Woman.  He says those women are creepy and he doesn't see what is beautiful about man-made perfection by needles and silicone.  He is a man who appreciates a normal, human woman.  God bless him!!  May his tribe increase!!

Honey

[kericoba3]

Honey....congrats on that keeper!!  I would love for his tribe to increase and for you to send one my way.......

You are right, we are who we are and I personally dislike the fake, plastic look as well.  I think having someone love you for who you are certainly helps.  Having the thought in your mind that you will never be who they wanted only damages ourselves further.  We are the hardest critics of ourselves. We need to stop and accept.

Good for you!!

keri

[eyes_up]

We are who we are and being or existence  exceeds the limitations of a physical body. Oh, If I only had four arms I would be able to clean the house faster. Oh If I only had socially sexually correct mouth form I would be so much more useful, acceptable, desirable,  powerful etc with in this time zone ~because we all know what is in style today will not be in twenty years , just take a look at the pattern from smaller breasts to larger breasts. How bout the length of skirts?

Money can not be made after every one has breast enlargements. It will be in style to have lesser breasts and then every one will get breast reductions. It is already happening. I read an article on the NEW LOOK! The whole cycle is an attention (energy) taker and leaves people chasing something that goes no where but money in other peoples pockets and keeps the chaser focused and in others control. The only thing that makes it seem real is that every one gets brain washed at once.

Strange thing is pork chops for lips will not be in style and then all those people with larger lips will be wearing the tight shoes. The point is to step out of the entire program and don't waste life on some ones program that lead one astray from his/her personal program of existence. Don't think your self out of claiming your existence due to physical conditions that will always be up for bat as long as some one can 1. make a profit off of your need to be part of the group and acceptable 2. manage  your attention and know what store you shop at ... what clothes you will be wearing Winter 2011. UNPLUG • DEPROGRAM • DOWN LOAD all things that do not serve your physical, emotional and mental health.



eyes