Moved and so unsettled

[jenrussell2]

I am in a dilemma.   I moved to another country to get away from the N.  I now live with my son and his wife and kids.    I have been out and joined clubs and met people and met some very nice people, but I just don't seem able to think of living here as permanent.   I so miss the life I was starting to make for myself without the N. 

My children both have their own busy lives and we don't really do much together.  I come and go as I please always on my own.   I go to the beach on my own, shops on my own.  Walks on my own.   I guess I thought we would be spending more time together doing things. I have managed to get my daughter out for coffee once in 4 months.  My son and his wife are so busy doing things with the kids and their business they have no spare time to relax with me.   I think I thought I would have a family life but in reality I feel like I don't fit in.  They do like me to babysit when they want time on their own though.  I can't afford to move out.  The rents are so high and of course I have my dog and that doesn't help.   I have been in contact with the moving company and my possessions are still in my old country.  I have a couple of days to make my mind up whether to have them shipped over here or stored longer. Now I don't know if having my stuff here would make me feel more settled or more trapped.  Is this the after effects of living with the N that I can't settle down.  I feel like I have to keep doing something all the time.  As we all know there was never a dull moment with the N. There was always drama of some sort going on.

 I am doing OK in my job, I think, but after being used to being outside a lot am still finding it really hard being in an office all day.  I hardly ever think of the N now which is good.   I used to go on the computer to see if he was on line everyday. Now I don't.  Now I look for e mails from friends.  Is anyone else going through these feelings of being lost and confused or whatever it is I am feeling after life with an N of 12 years.  Advise anyone?

 

[Litha]

Hi Jen,
I don't think a person has to be recovering from a relationship with an N to feel unsettled after

• moving to a new country
• leaving all your furniture and other familiar things behind
• living as a guest in someone else's home (even if they are your adult children)
• starting a new job
• etcetera etcetera

If you were NOT feeling unsettled I would think something was wrong 

Have you tried any meditation or relaxation techniques? It might help you feel more grounded. Maybe a yoga class?

One technique that I have done myself (and I've known other women who have success with it too) is to spend some time looking through old magazines and clipping out images and words that represent the life you want to build for yourself now. Then get a piece of posterboard and a glue stick and make a collage. Hang this where you will look at it often, near your bed maybe. When you are feeling unsettled, meditate on your collage for a few minutes and remind yourself what you are working toward.

hugs from one strong woman to another
 
Litha

[jenrussell2]

I thank you so much for your reply and the hug, It was much appreciated. I honestly have no idea what I want for myself.   I have never been a flashy dresser, I am a country girl at heart and that is where I would love to be again.  i could cut out pictures of cows, sheep, chickens because that is where my heart is,  but from where I am now that would be pointless and I think would make me more upset. I now live near a densely populated area with no chance of doing again what I was doing before I let the N take over my life.  Plus the fact that I am now over 60.  I feel like the best part of my active life has gone.  I don't think I could ever get back what I had again. I had it once and lost it. 

I know i should be lucky to have a family that cares about me, but I think they are wondering how much longer I will be living with them.  I know I have to make a decision soon on what to do with the rest of my life.  I have been here four months now and still don't have a clue what I am doing.  I have asked the moving company to hold off on moving my belongings for me, which did seem to take some of the tension away as I have no where to put it even if they did arrive.  I obviously wasn't thinking straight when I planned the move but then I had to do it to get away from the N.  I had no doubts about it but did wonder how I would survive. I guess reality has set in and now I have big decisions to make all over again.   What do I want for myself that I can achieve.  I have to get over the self doubt and low self esteem that has built up over the last few years with the N.   I used to be so strong in mind and body. Now I feel like a useless wimp. 

[CZBZ]

Hi Jen!


Sure. I still have struggles figuring out who I am and what I want. The legacy of the N-relationship...we delay some of the work we need to do on ourselves because we're so darn busy putting out brush fires! and then too, when we do focus on ourselves and start doing something that makes our heart sing, the N yanks the rug out from under our feet. It will take time to restore our sense of self and build a new life without the constant interruptions, chaos and distraction! Be patient with yourself and let this process unfold at a pace you can manage it. It will not happen in four months or even six but you can do something each day that reaffirms Who you are and What gives meaning to your life!

I have also had to look at my past and accept my losses and grieve them, even let myself feel sorrow over a life that will never be again. (for one thing: I am unwilling to make the kind of sacrifices it took to have that 'life'). I cried about losing my dream home, the property, the vast gardens, the grandiosity of knowing we had 'made it' (ha!), the sense of safety and belonging I felt (an illusion but still, to me it was safety and belonging). This sorrow process hits me intermittently and you might be going through the same thing. One day you are okay, the next day you're sad and then three days later, it's okay again. Not perfect and not what you want, but it's okay.

I decided to accept OKAY as a good-enough goal to hope for. So please please be patient with yourself and let the healing process work it's magic on your mind, body and soul.

The great thing is that you realize how you feel. Sometimes people continue denying 'miserable' feelings and cover them up with hyperactivity or another anesthetic. If you can sit with your Inner Wimp and talk with her, she might let YOU take the lead...because you are not a wimp. Certainly not with everything you managed to do that past few years! And from what you have written, you ARE doing what you can to build a new life for yourself. Just give it some time---be as patient and kind with yourself as you are with others. That usually helps me cope with my Inner Critic!


Hugs,
CZ

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Jen,

I'm sorry you're still feeling so unsettled, but it's certainly understandable given your current situation.  Feeling the added pressure of moving your things v. keeping them stored a bit longer does extend the "living out of boxes" lifestyle; I'd only suggest that if you were absolutely sure you probably wouldn't post your anxiousness or reservations about it here but rather would just to ahead and arrange the move.  If your little voice is telling you to hold off, perhaps that would be best for now to adopt a "do nothing" posture if you can afford to do so.

And yes, as CZ has said, to continue to be patient with yourself -- it's OK to feel so unsure at such a life change point.

Wish I had anything else more concrete to offer.  Each person comes to these decisions in his/her own time.  On the one hand you've got an 'anxious to get out and on your own' motivation, OTOH possibly an 'anxious to get out and back to what (you may feel is really) home' motivation possibility.  Nobody else can make that decision for you.  Giving this part of the time at least a shot to get clean/clear of/heal from the immediate N impact certainly, I'd think, would prove itself of value just on its own, regardless of whether you perceived this move you've made as permanent or as a long hiatus away.

My thoughts are with you,

NewWings4MeNow

[Litha]

I am a country girl at heart and that is where I would love to be again.  i could cut out pictures of cows, sheep, chickens because that is where my heart is,  but from where I am now that would be pointless and I think would make me more upset.

Do you have any land grant universities nearby? I worked for the extension service at a land grant university and walked past the cowbarn every day on my way in from the parking lot. My job was 100% desk/computer work, but I could visit the animal barns whenever I felt like it and occasionally traveled out to rural areas to help with training. They love having people with farm experience in their offices. Also, if you work for a university you might get to take classes tuition free.

You might not live on a farm ever again, but you don't have to lock yourself into city life either. You can't get your old life back, but your new one will be even better because it is n-free.

 
Litha

[betterdays]

Without knowing the climate where you are, it is hard to brainstorm what will or won't go, but have you thought about an urban garden? If there isn't one, some sort of adult or community education program might have classes on back to basics in the city.  It's just a guess based on what I have seen in my area. When all else fails, teaching people how to grow sprouts on the counter and herbs in pots can add nutrition and and flair to their regular diets, and might help  establish a community of connections for you.  I taught home canning to the ladies at Catholic Charities decades ago so they could teach women who came for help.  They really were grateful and some stayed in touch with questions for a while after the classes ended.  That's why it occurred to me that you might have skills that would help city dwellers, or there might be an urban garden or club you could join.  Being a gardener and country person myself, I really feel for you. 

I personally would not send for my things till I knew I was going to stay, as in when I found a way to feel good there.