You Are the Answer by Jo Coudert

[CZBZ]

You are the Answer

by Jo Coudert

It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself.

It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.

It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.

For you cannot live in someone else.

You cannot find yourself in someone else.

You cannot be given a life by someone else.

Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose.

To the question of your life, you are the only answer.

To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.

[practicaljude]

 

Welcome to WoN.  I'm Jude...been away from the abusive relationship for 5 years, and have learned that I also spent most of my life with the abusers concerns at heart.  Healing isn't fun...well, it gets to be fun, but it's also a lot of work.  WoN's full of healing workers who've shared lots of pain, lots of ways to reclaim your rightful soul, and lots of joy.  If you have any questions, just ask.  This particular site is relatively new but WoN is old in terms of experience and wisdom and we're all getting used to navigating our way around.  Know we'll understand, know we care and know you are welcome.

Jude

[CZBZ]

Hi Nite~Day!

I loved this poem so much and even today, several years later, it speaks to my heart. No matter where we might be in our grief, Jo Coudert has blessed us with powerful words to sooth and encourage us to love, forgive and accept ourselves.

I especially like this line: "Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose." It made me break down and cry when I first read it...that was right after finding myself alone, divorced and fifty-ish. It's terrible grieving the ending of an important relationship; even an abusive relationship.

I'm sorry to hear you've been through this twice...especially your second marriage of 28 years. I hope you're creating support for yourself. It might take awhile before you feel good and safe in your skin again. Stay connected to people, Nite~Day. And DO NOT be afraid to ask for help if you need it. 

I am glad you found us on the web and I hope you'll feel safe and connected to members of the Won forum.


Hugs and Welcome!

CZBZ

[practicaljude]

Ya know what?

I never thought I'd use a computer, besides work. Well, I went into a panic attack one morning after dreaming about N chasing me...trying to kill me.  I googled N support groups and here I am...years later it literally saved my life in more ways than one.  I'm a huge believer in therapy, too.  I didn't go until we split and I left the house, but I wish I had been going loooong before.  You've got a double whammy going on...agoraphobia AND being held hostage by an N spouse.  There is good news, nite~day.  You're connected with women all over the world and you don't have to leave your chair till you're ready.  I'm so happy you found WoN.  Are you worried hubby will see you in a support group?  Share only what you're comfortable with...there's plenty of time to do the work that needs to be done.  You've made the biggest move already...you've reached out.  Hope you're giving yourself a great big hug for a huge accomplishment.

 
Jude

[practicaljude]

Hello!

I can only tell you my experience and I could go on and on about the benefit of the support groups.  Actually, NPD was the original and CZBZ branched out on her own, creating WoN.  I help out as time allows.  It's been my guidance and guiding light through many an ordeal!  Sounds like you've taken many precautions.  It's quite awful to have to live in live with such fear. 

I'm interested in how you came to know hubby was an N.  There is quite a lot of information here about NPD and narcissism.  Here's my experience:  I suspected it.  I read everything I could about NPD for about a year and it really scared me.  I was convinced he'd change...actually, I had no idea the depths of a N not being able to change.  We lived together off and on for 5 years.  We'd part...we'd get back together...and the cycle of emotional and verbal abuse continued.  Finally, after 5 years, I had the dream I mentioned above - I have taken the experience to be my soul talking to me.  After I came to the board (in February 2004) with DAILY help from the members, I left him (was in his house) and got an apartment. 

We've talked since then but I can tell you, I'm through!  What N's are capable of dishing out is hardly understood with a rational mind.  I didn't go to therapy until after I left him and in hindsight, wish I would have gone as soon as
I had an inkling he was abusive.  What stopped me?  I guess my own fears.  Hope he would change...hope he'd get better.  Well, it was ME who needed to get better and being here has helped the process.

I"m 58 and living alone.  I can now say I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Have you checked out the articles about NPD? 

 
Jude

[IA101]

   Welcome to WON, nite~day!

I know exactly how scary it is to reach out to an online group and I applaud you for your posting.  I lurked for a long time before I worked up the courage to post.  While I lurked, there was a ton of reading and learning being done and then the questions began to flow.

I, too, would like to know how you came to suspect H is an N.  Me, I was reading a true crime book in which the author began to describe the murderer's mental state.  The behaviors were describing my husband and led me straight to the computer to begin some intense research on the condition.  Short story is that it landed me here in a safe haven.  Let me assure you, this is a very safe board with kind and loving members.

I also have to be very careful of NH finding me on the board.  Fortunately, he travels and I can browse when he is not around.  I notice that you clear the cookies and history, however, don't forget the temporary internet files.     Another little trick I use, when he could possibly arrive unexpetedly, is to have so many windows open that should he look over my shoulder, the full name of the web page doesn't show in the tray...just a bit of it.

Loves & Hugs,
IA

[practicaljude]

nite-day,

If you can trust one thing here please trust the fact there will never be pressure for you to talk if you're not ready or comfortable.  WoN members have told us they read the posts but didn't respond for 1 or 2 years.  Please don't feel you need to answer any questions or share anything that might put you in harm. It's pretty quiet on the boards right now so you may not see a lot of traffic, but we are here for you if you want to talk about something.

(((hugs)))
Jude

[IA101]

nite~day,

Thank you for sharing how you feel in H's presence.  How much to say...  Well, you tell as much as is comfortable for you.  I know my first post didn't say much and I didn't mean to pry.  I remember that it was kinda like poking the very tip of my index finger into a tub of water to see how hot it was.     Then it took some time to get to the first knuckle.  Very, very slowly I climbed into the tub.     Your safety is important and we understand that oh so well.  Once again, welcome!

 
IA

[Doveflyte]

Hello nite-day, my first foray into the cyber world was an effort to find someone to share an adult conversation with. I too was distrustful but found a great forum that exposed me to knowledge of abuse that was emotional and psychological rather than physical. They lovingly supported, taught and encouraged me. As I grew more comfortable and adept with the internet I eventually found WoN but would not have looked here except that my daughter's psychiatrist had given me Vaknin's book to read. In its pages, I found my husband so real and fleshed out, it scared me. As I watched and observed and grew stronger myself his behavior grew worse. After finding WoN I have learned so much more.The articles here are insightful and educational. The knowledge is our defense.
I've been separated now for almost 10 months and this time has had more peace, though turmoil of courts and negotiations, than I have felt for many many years. My life is very similar to Jude's in that I gave whole heartedly to a marriage sacrificing for the whole because I chose to, but the price was very high. I too am over 50 and learning to live again.

I encourage you to take baby steps as you can, grow strong and seek support. Besides therapy you will need support of friends, church, neighbors, someone if you choose to take any action to leave. You have been isolated for so long, this will be a big effort for you. Welcome here.

[nite~day]

I want to thank you again Doveflyte,PracticalJude and IA101 for your replies and encouragement
I  think I am going to like it here.I am willing to come to learn/listen.I am ready to reach out and ask for help,guidance,and support.
I will take it slow.I appreciate the privacy that has been offered.Makes a world of difference to me.Thank You for that.

[IA101]

You are more than welcome.   

Loves & Hugs,
IA