XNH's Next Round: HIS Moveaway ...? -- XFIL Has Died

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi.

Last evening d told me that XNH is considering a job in Silicon Valley, right next to where I wanted to move with her 1.5 years ago.  

Said she'd told him, "So you're expecting me to move with you when you wouldn't let me and mom move there?" to which apparently NW said, "She has a point there."  

XNH said, "There's a big difference.  *I* would be working for an established corporation," (or some other "lame" response, according to d).  (Um, the job I was offered then was working for XNH's old boss (a Sun director), who was going to open a Silicon Valley office for me.)  

D and I talked it through.  Though initially she thought it was great, the Palo Alto location issue came up and I said I don't want to take what we're dealing with here and just relocate it to the Valley -- back to where XNH and I still have colleagues/contacts in common in a small tech world and where he could ruin my reputation there with folks from years ago.  I told her that my objective is to set up a lifestyle wholly unconnected with XNH and completely, totally untethered to anything about his life.  D got it.  

Then it occurred to me:  The timing of this sudden change is very interesting, coming just a week after XFIL's death watch, and I realized that this is all about XNH's needs -- to move back to the Valley to take care of his parents and XNMIL's incessant requirements and how, suddenly after 13 years, it would be so important for d to spend more time with his family, blah, blah, blah ....  

D initially said, "Oh, it's probably nothing/probably won't come to pass," but I reminded her that XNH doesn't bring up any topic on a whim -- that he was fishing for her reaction -- and that there may possibly be something already well in the works.

I told d that if XNH's job here were so terrific he wouldn't even be considering such a jump.  That currently he commutes halfway around the world to Slovakia virtually every month -- and that if he got a job without such a travel hassle, and with senior management stock, and back in the Valley, that I could see him wanting to take it in spite of his current company being a Fast 50.  *OR* there's been a development internally and he's now not so popular/has been creating issues, so it's time to check out.  He's coming up on his third year there so it would be perceived as acceptable (in the world of tech) for him to leave.

Anyway, I discussed this development last night with Cousin, who agreed that this is about XNH and his FOO's needs.  He agrees that, since I requested just such a moveaway before, that XNH will now use that to corner me into agreeing to it as d's best interest.  When I proposed it before the mediator said that all XNH had to do was state that "San Diego is my home", which he did -- so I could state the same thing too now (except that here, fathers' needs seem to take priority).

But time has passed, d is older and has her own Voice now (which XNH is definitely trying to harness through this) and she'd be just as open to a New England move for change of seasons, a more comfortable culture etc.  

It's also occurred to me that, based on my moveaway request to Palo Alto, XNH would consider this a "win" for himself to be able to say that HE was the one taking d back to Palo Alto for culture and schooling before I was able to do so.  I can so easily see this as being his thinking -- that he'd, in effect, captured territory before I did, and our old stomping ground to boot.

Net is that I believe last night's conversation was a preamble.  A set-up.  And that we can expect more about this shortly.

The last thing in the world I'd want would be to live in Palo Alto ... and have XNH live there as well.  Have that churling, gnawing feeling in my stomach today, reminding myself that until it's something it's nothing.  But with XNH, consistently and historically, it's NEVER nothing.

What do you think?  Moves/counter-moves?

NewWings4MeNow

[RB22]

NewWings,

If he is anything like my X, he won't move till he is sure of his footing with D.  My X repeated told my kids he was moving closer for 5 years.  It wasn't until they stopped believing in his words, that he did it. 

And my take on it was that his timing was meant for his kid to bend over backwards, because he just proved how much he loved them by moving his family ALL the way to our county... ALL for HIS KIDS.  They should mirror all the love he has for them back to him... because he moved mountains to be nearer to them.  They should care more for him than for me... after all I do nothing for them.  I just stayed put, so they didn't have to deal with anymore major changes.

He may be testing the waters, and trying to find away to move to that area,  because like you said, he wants to be in the territory first. 

My X moved into a nearby town, when we were together I spent very little time in.... but once he moved, and my kids were districted for that towns schools, I became more and more involved and known.  So when his family showed up...they were always being asked if he was related to ME?     He lived in his first neighborhood, (where I had many, many friends)  for a year.  Then he moved further away (5 miles) into a neighborhood where I knew only a couple of families... but I have lots of friends in his area.   

Take deep breaths.... he will tip his hand soon enough.

Hugs,

RB

[Sweatheart]

NewWings,

I am not sure I understand the situation clear.

It seems to me that you live in the place A and he lives in the place B and your daughter lives with you. When you wanted to relocate with your daughter to the place C, he objected and you had to stay in the place A. Now when he has circumstances that require him to move from his place B to the place C (his mother needs his presence there), he wants you and daughter ALSO to relocate to the place C with him to play the support role in his life?

In case my understanding is correct, I find it ridiculous why you should relocate when he does? His life is his life and your life is your life, isn't it the whole point of divorce?

SH

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Sweat,

Yes, you have it right.  XNH and I live in separate towns in this area.  (A & B).  He's considering working in/relocating to Place C, where d and I'd proposed a moveaway 1.5 years ago.  

Whether d goes with me or without me is, I believe, irrelevant to XNH.  The point is that he wants her with him, right at the time when she's stated she'll be moving forward in court to change custody to living primarily with me.  

Yes, from a certain perspective this could be perceived as XNH trying to bringing everything full circle by moving back to where we'd met/worked together/married.  

If I'd choose to not relocate there XNH would argue that my e-commerce business is portable, etc.  

I have no idea where his mind is right now -- he's watching his father die this weekend.  When he spoke with d a bit ago she said he was crying on the phone.  As stalwart as I've remained, when I heard that I shed a tear just hearing that he was in so much pain (since I knew XFIL for 12 years but barely really knew him at all).  Isn't that ironic? but to be expected, since I'm emotionally referencing the man I knew v. the man he actually is today.

Actually this brings my main question at this point:  I'd like to understand how an N/P would act if his father (with whom he competed his whole life for success and XNMIL's favor), not his mother, dies and if he's then left having to take on XNMIL's family-referenced "psycho b*tch from h*ll" behaviors, her situation/financial affairs and see to her life needs?  I'm not sure how to position this now with d, and would be curious to learn others' thoughts on his likely behavioral changes.

Thanks for your question -- makes sense to me too.

NewWings4MeNow

[Flower]

NewWings,

With most narcissists, it is about "What is in it for me?" With all three of the narcissists I've known, their brains were constantly speculating what their next move would be, as to benefit them.

I would be willing to bet that your exnh is has a hidden agenda about moving there. Perhaps he thinks that if his father dies and he portrays himself to be the "hero" that there is going to be something in it for him.

Ask yourself:  Does he think that he will have some financial gain?  Does he think that there will be plenty of N-supply over there?

Remember, every move a narcissist makes is carefully calculated by him to benefit him.

Flower

[Julia]

Flower, Wings

Yes, financial gain. It is likely something to do with his inheritance, the family antiques, etc. He may just be posturing for his Mom and have no plan to follow through also. It could be a test for NW, see if she will turn her world upside down for him, or to isolate her from friends.....

My XNH volunteered to be the one to get undertake dealing with his eccentric Aunt living across country.  Why....?..... they were not close. As it turns out, she was getting Alzheimers to a point where she needed to go to a care facility. XNH decided the best way to deal with it was to get Power of Attorney, and handled it all, but he also  re-wrote her will to say that she wanted her considerable estate to go to her nieces  and nephews (XNH and his sibs) since she has no children.......He also distributed several thousands of dollars from her bank account to the great-nieces and nephews... I am not sure how much, but I do know that each of my kids got several hundred in a college fund under XNHs' name. The Aunt is alive and is currently living  in a facility.

Wings, I would advise you to not talk to your d about her dad's motivations. She can come to you if she has anything she would like to talk to you about re: the loss of her grandfather, her relationship with her grandparents, death, possible move by XNH etc.


Julia

[RB22]

I wouldn't know how to predict which way someone will blow after a death.  Grief puts people all over the map.  People who were usually grounded become like paper in the wind... people who were paper in the wind all of a sudden become grounded.   And persons in mid life dealing with death of a parent... kids growing older ... are facing their own mortality.... often can't think their way out of a closet.  Those without coping mechanisms become like toddlers... "I want what I want, and I want it now" or I will throw a hissy fit. 

No way to know which way he will jump, but I have no doubts that you will be watching to see if you can see what direction he is planning.  Do not take anything for granted.... Those who grieve can and often do act irrational... although with a N, that irrational is usually a very rational/calculated act to get at some goal. We just don't see it till we can look at their actions with hindsight.

Hugs,

RB

[Sweatheart]

Wings,

Thank you for clarifying it to me.

How old is your daughter and does she want to relocate to live with her Father? If she does want to live with him, I guess the best you can do is to let her go. It might be very difficult, but if she expresses the need to have this experience then I think the best thing is to let her.

I do not know what you feel for your xNH, but I have been in the similar situation when my xH (most likely N as well) was moving to CA and my son asked "Mom are we going to relocate also there?" I told him, that we are not relocating there because we are divorced and this is the whole point of divorce. My xH also expected us to relocate I guess but he never asked me directly and was operating through my son. So I would not relocate but I do not know your r/s and circumstances.

As for how xNH will feel about supporting his mother, I do not know. Observing r/s my xNgf has with her mother (whom she doesn't respect at all), I am not sure. I think it is r/s of enmeshed control and I believe the my xNgf needs her mother in order to stabilize her and at the same time she needs her Mother as primal NS, and I bet xNgf entertains the idea that she is superior to her mother and this is why she makes an effort to maintain this r/s. As I think, her r/s with her mother is 50% made of her dependency on her Mother and another 50% made of her dependency on her feeling of superiority. Basically it is 100% dependency. Of course I have no idea about your xNH case, but I would think it is possible that he might have similar needs. Finally he would have to control her and it might be very sweet for him. His competing for his father's attention finally can grow into him controlling his primal enemy. And he might need you and daughter and other people as well to be an audience in this big theater of his ultimate glory. I am just making it all up of course, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is a scenario. Ns are creeps.

But I find the beauty of the power of divorce is in separating from the spouse to the point of not considering his life circumstances anymore! I am curious why it is important for you to know what development it will take for him?

SH

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi all,

I have no doubt that XNMIL has pressured XNH hugely to take care of her and take care of things.  He'd have to see to her selling their house, situating her (where? she can still live on her own).  XILs created a living trust years ago that all of their kids know about.  XNMIL, as a PhD, would want financial control as seeing that as her only remaining life preserver.  

Motive?  Years ago XNMIL told me they had $1M in the bank.  Then later she said they were working toward their second mil.  XFIL's medical bills have, I've heard, eaten a lot of that, so I have no clue what her $ situation is now.  

Intrigued by your thought re: moving NW there.  I have no idea whether she ever lived there before, whether she has society there.  If she hasn't, having XNH move back to an area where he'd be more free to pursue his lifestyle peculiarities, I have no idea whether that would suit her.  

I take nothing for granted, saw how extremely XNH acted at our split when he himself wrote that he rated his mental health at a 5 out of 10.  Also noting the possibility of any grandparents' college fund for d finding itself somehow to being in XNH's control.

Julia, I'm trying to be very careful to just offer d my support, let her know that I'll put her on a plane when/as/if she thinks it's time to go up there, and soft-pedal ulterior motives.  D needs to see and feel my compassion for her/their situation, else I seem utterly heartless; she needs to know that she can express whatever she feels at this tough time.  

I spoke w/cousin today.  He feels d should take the lead with whatever she wants to do now, and that being there to support her father is quite appropriate (though he'd tell her to go there today so he could keep her there all week regardless of when XFIL dies).  

N-supply and financial gain will both be abundant now, as XNH becomes the oldest remaining man of his family.  Hidden agenda?  Certainly.  Hero?  Likely.  And even that ALL the women now within his unhindered realm should jump to his commands.  So this could possibly make his N behaviors even worse as a new patriarch.  The fact that d came into her own Voice this year happened in the nick of time so she has the ability/desire to remain strong and stand separately on her own regardless of XNH's situation and demands.  I'll be watching to see how/whether she holds her own as they work through this phase.

Thank you for sharing your stories and views.  Julia, your story about rewriting the aunt's will is very telling.  Last year, when my fav aunt/uncle sold their home/moved to a condo, cousin saw to all their needs for three months, and had power of attorney/banking responsibility.  Ncousin (his sister) showed up and within days had influenced their parents otherwise, and cousin told me that his sister's behavior was so obvious, so out for what she could get out of them (she had herself added with POA and wrote herself checks from their account) that he felt she was dangerous and he tried to get her away from them.  He finally spoke with them bluntly, and they agree with him as they knew she'd been like that for years.

So I put nothing past XNH, and feel safe staying at such a distance from it all.

NewWings4MeNow

[NewWings4MeNow]

Sweat,

I'm curious as to what development it will take for XNH because d is at a change point now -- a jumping off point for us to change custody per her wishes, for us to possibly move elsewhere, and it would be completely like XNH to blunt our plans by injecting his demands at this point and fighting d to force her to stay with him.

NewWings4MeNow

[NewWings4MeNow]

XFIL has died.  D spoke with XNH and XNMIL this AM.  XNMIL told her that she should do whatever she needs for "her own comfort" right now, to be with them or not.  She also told d, "If any good comes out of this, it's that I can come there and visit you more often." 

D called them back and told them she doesn't want to go there now, where they'll all be looking for their own comfort.

If my husband of 55 years had just died, I don't think I could be on the phone with anybody (recognizing that we're all different). 

What I found interesting about XNMIL's only comment to d was that she was talking about her own freedom.  Given that XFIL lived with his stroke and complications for several years, I suppose it's understandable.  But in XNMIL's case I think she really was talking about her own freedom, and that that will be the most important thing to her now.  I also find it interesting that she basically blamed XFIL's condition on her not being around d -- when for 13 years she had more important things to do (patients to see, personal travel to go on) than spend more than two days at a time, two days a year, with d. 

I can see d becoming the sudden object of XNMIL's affection, in support of XNH's sudden plan to move back to the Bay Area. 

Haven't said any of this to d.  She's taking a long shower.  I'll just be here for her today and we'll go with whatever seems to work best for her.  If she decides to travel at any point, I'll support her.

Anyway, I found it to be a very unusual, and very telling, brief phone conversation.  (Part of me can imagine XNMIL ruing XFIL for having drained her bank account, for being gone now so who will help her maintain their in-the-woods wooden A-frame house, celebrating that his medical stuff is out of their house and talking like a locomotive now about her need to have XNH with her -- the way she cared for her mother almost daily who lived in a facility close by (but how she HATED, HATED the demands of doing so).)

Sweat asked why?  Because there's now a group of actors in the Bay Area who'll all want some influence over d, and XNH's next steps, since they're no longer distracted.  That family's style is tribal -- they draw "theirs" close, and now they'll try to claim d as one of theirs (if only to fill the XFIL void -- especially at the holidays), if it's not too late and if she's suggestible.

I'm just hangin' back to see if any of this plays out.

Sad day.  I remember XFIL well.  As d said to me yesterday, he was the only person of that family who deserved his last name, the only person who wasn't mean, was actually kind or at least kept quiet.

NewWings4MeNow

[NewWings4MeNow]

OMG.  XNH is already calling d back and pressuring her to go there now. 

She's now arguing with him, telling him she has to deal with it in her own way and that he has to accept that.

He's telling her that her job is to be there to make other people feel better.  She's repeating that she wants him to accept her decision and she can't explain it further.

Oooh boy, this could go somewhere where d becomes "the enemy" at some level, for not marching to orders now.

So far, she's holding her own, being firm, quiet, clear. 

NewWings4MeNow

[Julia]

Wings,

My condolences to you and d. I wish you could just grieve for the man, what r/s you had with him,  without the distraction of all the demands and N drama.

Grief is not a public display, it is not a group dynamic (except at a funeral). D can and should grieve however she wants. As a child, getting on a plane and traveling would likely disrupt her grief process, (having to put up a public face on the plane and then returning to her private grief again)  so I encourage her to stay put.  Also, she can better grieve if she feels safe and cared for... which she has more of in your custody. Seeing MiL and XNH hysteria would not help. Hey, that is probably what they are after... a witness to their grief.

 When my MIL died, a few months ago, I found that I had to grieve what "could have been", the relationship I wanted with her as well as the one I actually had with her. I thought about the good parts in the beginning as well as all the hurts that eventually piled up over the years. It was a busy enough job without being badgered like d is now.

Telling stories about times spent with the person, good and bad, as well as doing some of the things she used to do with FIL, watching movies that he watched with d, all are good ways to grieve and honor someones memory.  I wish you and d the best in this process.

Julia

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Julia,

Thank you very much for your very kind message.  I appreciate your heartfelt words, great advice and sharing how you experienced your MIL's death.  

Today I successfully got d to get off the sofa and go for a slow version of my morning walk.  She teared up but refused tissues, saying that she's really OK with XFIL's death (though I know these things work in their own way/their own time, and can come/go in waves).  

I did share with her what I knew about XFIL -- quite a few things she'd never heard, some things I'd told her through time and that she'd apparently forgotten.  

As we walked we saw a ring around the sun caused by incoming weather, a slight rainbow.  D said that her grandfather told her he wanted to give her a rainbow, and at that moment she attributed our sighting to him.  Cosmic.  Appropriate.  

I started off by telling d about my grandfather, whom she only saw when she was 1-2 years old before he died.  And about all the things about him and my memories that I've carried with me every day of my life all my life.  Think that helped her.

We talked about the good and bad parts of XFIL's life; I told her about their family history, his work, his alcoholism (that XNH had told me -- d hadn't remembered this AT ALL), their embattled years when XNH was a boy, my interactions with him.  We got home and, though she initially said she wasn't ready to see pics of him, I looked through all of our old pics and she looked with me -- of her, of him, of it all.  We had smiles and laughs.  And I realized that I had very, very few pics of XFIL with d of any kind.  

D told me that last month XFIL told her when he got well (though stroke-ridden) he wanted to hike in the Himalayas (he loved hiking).  I suggested to d that we use our miles and go to Nepal in his honor.  Gave her things like that to think about ....

XNH hasn't continued to call; she's heard from no one else in his family all day.  D did tell him she'd fly up for his funeral, which will likely be later this week.  

Now I have to see how d will do at school tomorrow -- this is her exam week.  So far she's quiet and OK.

NewWings4MeNow

[Sweatheart]

NewWings,

I am so sorry to hear these sad news. It was comforting to read how you are handling this situation, about your walk in the morning and the rainbow. It fills me with warmth to know that there are people like you and your daughter, people who watch, see, hear, listen, remember, grieve, share, love, understand each other.

Reading about N-commotion fills me with cold annoyance to say the least. Immediately they calculate what they can gain out of any situation, I guess, this is what N calls "in love with life" or "not afraid to live".

I am impressed by your daughter assertiveness, on top of her grief she has to deal with these blackmailing and guilt-tripping and it is not easy. So good that she is capable to handle it. I am concerned about her trip there for the funeral, because she will be alone there among wolves. How does she feel about it? Isn't it too much for her to handle alone?

Ns are always turn the tables that it is all about them. They use the death of their father or husband to get on stage. I think Ns can not even tolerate the fact that the other person died, because by dying the person became real and drew attention of others. Ns need to turn the tables and make it all about them. Hence, calling and planning other people lives.

I hope these people will leave you alone...my only concern is your daughter's trip into the wolves pack. I wonder what they do to attack her there in order to make her stay with them. I suspect she will have a battle there....

SH

[Litha]

He's telling her that her job is to be there to make other people feel better.

That is their standard line isn't it? Your job is to make me feel better, if you put your needs first you are being selfish.

I'm sorry for your loss New Wings, but love the rainbow story. How nice for your daughter to receive a confirmation of her grandfather's continuing love for her. How tender of her to notice it and make the connection.

Hiking the Himalayas would be a perfect remembrance, I hope you can make it happen.

 
Litha

[RB22]

My condolences.  ((((((NewWings and D))))))))


Sounds to me like your D knows what she needs right now... and it isn't her dad's family.  More power to her.

Hugs,

RB

[betterdays]

Wings,

It just tears me up to read about the triangulation with your D.  You are trying so hard, and I have to think that will count for a lot.  Mothers and daughters can be irreplaceable to each other, and you have every possibility of having the r/s you want with her. She may be in the very hardest of her teen years, when all young people show narcissistic traits, but it really sounds like she has good sense and respect for you.  Thirteen and fourteen were my daughter's hardest years, and now she refers to me as her best friend.  I know you will hang in there because that is what we all do here.

She is expressing herself in a way that you have taught her.

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi all,

Thank you, thank you for your sympathies.  Today I went grocery shopping on my own and cried a bit in the car.  I'd always actually liked XFIL but knew for years that he had no attachment to me at all.  The last holiday I went on with them to a Tahoe weekend ski house, I took one last midday run with XFIL (before I injured my MCL) and recall that we rode to the top of the mountain and, unless I spoke to him, he didn't start one syllable of conversation with me the whole time.  Then when we exited the lift he skied away like a bat outta h*ll and I've never skied so fast in my life to try and keep up with him -- no, just to keep him within sight.  He just skied away from me.  

It's notable that d has now twice said that she has no memory of XFIL prior to his strokes 1.5 years ago.  NO MEMORY.  And she's interacted with him since she was born.  That's pretty d*mn sad.  I think she'd blocked him out because it's just too painful right now for her to recall him as he was then.  Will work with her to not continue this.

It really amazed me today to hear how d was handling her conversation with XNH.  I didn't expect that at all.

As she's been distracted this evening and worried about school tomorrow, I've repeatedly told her that it's OK if she wants to go up there, if she wants to take the day off.  We'll just see how it goes.  She can stay home here, but I told her that if XNH finds that out he'll likely want her to get on a plane.  Not gonna happen if d doesn't want it, and she just wants to work through this quietly and on her own.  I've continued to reinforce that the primary R is that private one between her and her grandfather, and that's all.

At bedtime she's now having second thoughts about her decision to not see him before he died.

More later,

NewWings4MeNow

[NewWings4MeNow]

I spoke last night with Cousin and he suggested taking the high road.  He said, "NewWings, you're a classy person and sending flowers or a fruit basket from you and d would be the right thing to do as proper protocol at this time.  You should also do it to show/teach d what the right way to act/respond is at the time of a death."  He suggested that it would be completely appropriate at this time, that it would be politically correct since d's not there with them (and would protect me from them stating I'd kept her from them at this time) and would "subtlely" show our solidarity with a card being from both of us having their family's last name (I told him this wouldn't be subtle at all -- it'll be like dropping a bomb ... but no matter ....).  I was concerned that they'd throw out whatever I'd send, and Cousin offered that it doesn't matter if they do, that I should do what I'm moved to do right now and that my R with my XFIL is my own business.  He said that if they disparage them in front of others, or to d, they look all the worse.  I was concerned that they would think I was trying to open lines of communication or that they'd take advantage of that related to any upcoming custody issues, but Cousin said that no longer matters.

I discussed this with d today and she thought sending flowers would be a good idea.  So we put two separate messages on the card, hers "With you until I'm with you", and from me, "My condolences at this very difficult time." 

D did comment initially that they wouldn't want flowers from me (funny since they've been the ones who've violated me) but that they wouldn't throw out flowers that had her name on the card.

I also discussed with Cousin XNMIL/XNH's behaviors with/toward d after this is all over and she's not distracted by XFIL's needs.  Regarding the possibility of them actually laughing at any flowers/food sent from me, and the possibility that XFIL had told them he couldn't stand me (though I've never heard this), Cousin suggested that if XFIL had been the one all these years to hold XNMIL back, telling her to knock it off and stop disparaging me (perhaps why he'd go quiet when the rest of them verbally attacked me in d's presence), then I might anticipate her behavior to become more aggressive in support of XNH's custody demands to come. 

Anyway, we sent a small, elegant vase of flowers this morning, to arrive today.  I think it's completely appropriate and the humane thing to do.

NewWings4MeNow

[NewWings4MeNow]

D spoke with XNH last night.

Apparently XFIL's funeral/memorial now won't be for a month or more, on the basis that his favorite place isn't available for a service until then ...?

Net is that d now won't be going up there at all this week.

A lot of sound and fury signifying ....  She and I are moving on to holiday plans.

NewWings4MeNow

[RB22]

Wanna bet, XFIL's service just 'happens' to fall in the middle of YOUR holiday plans with D?

((((((((NewWings)))))))))   ((((((((((DD)))))))))

Aside:  Do you and D believe in Angels?  When someone I love passes on, I remember them by putting a special angel on my Christmas tree.   It is a way for me to remember all those who have passed on, and the memories associated with them, at this time of year. 

My tradition started 20 years ago, with the gift of an angel ornament from my aunt. It has since grown to a specific (4ft) tree that is adorned with only angels.  It takes a bit out of me (emotionally) to put it up, but well worth the effort.

Hugs,

RB

[NewWings4MeNow]

RB,

Usually I'd be right in there with you about the timing, but I believe that XNH now knows that d won't do things to disrupt her time with me, and she's to be with them anyway from 26 Dec through New Years, so perhaps it'll be then or in January.  Somehow I think that d not going up there this week has sent quite a message.  XNH's statement to d about what her job was now toward his family really did it for me.

My mother collected angels from when I was a little girl, and for years we had only angels on our tree.  I now have hers and use them every year.  Great suggestion.

Thanks,

NewWings4MeNow

[changedspirit]

New Wings --

Gosh, as I read about your discussion with your (very insightful) cousin, and your decision to send the understated gentle flowers with two separate messages, I felt the need to respond.  I am so inspired by your foresight, vision, CONTROL, clarity and ability to disengage and look at the big picture....your real character and reputation simply shines through the dog poop, snake pit and toxic N energy.  After I read your post,my body experienced  a wave of peace and wholeness.  Thank you for sharing this, it really helps me see what I must and CAN do in NH family situations, when he tries to set me up to be the BAD one, the ANGRY MEAN SPIRITED nut case......(you know the drill all too well)

I'm so sorry you are going though all this, but from afar, today, you are my hero, exemplifying amazing tools and healthy behaviors that I can remember and fall back on, when the  time comes and presents itself.

Happiest Holidays!!!

Changed Spirit

[NewWings4MeNow]

Hi Changed,

Thank you so much for your very kind words.  It's amazing to me to learn of how my lessons are impacting, and hopefully helping, others going through various stages.

If you're able to tell these things in my post you're a whole h*lluva lot farther along than I was at "one star" and just starting on the path -- wasn't nearly as ready, willing or insightful to take on new behaviors as you seem to be, which is a very healthy thing and I applaud you for it.

You're totally right about being SET UP -- this is a key part of an N/P's motivation in their manipulations, IMO.  

Gosh, your words humble me.  So happy to be somebody's hero today or any day.  And yes, it's primarily a matter of CONTROL ... of Self (meaning, to me, becoming non-reactive), and this has been a big part of my own learning these past years.

My cousin, a gay man of 50, has had a successful, global, in-flight commercial airline service career serving customers at all levels and has dealt with, oh, millions of people?  He's extremely emotionally intelligent and, if anything, has a hard time accepting the absoluteness of N/P hard-wiring.  But he's learned, through my experiences, to temper his advice with a large dose of protectiveness and looking out for counter-measures lobbed in my direction five + moves ahead.  He loves flying and, though would be great in corporate, thinks himself not politically correct enough -- so perhaps by advising me he learns methods which are helping him as well.  I thought his advice was sage, and wouldn't have thought of it myself in time, so I greatly appreciated our talk.

Happy Holidays also to you and your family,

NewWings4MeNow