"Generous" narcissists?

[zero]

Has anyone here ever dealt with an N who also managed to be very generous? (even to their victims)  I'm specifically talking about being generous with money.  It's the one thing about the N in my life that I still don't think I've completely wrapped my head around.. apparently some of them value their n-supply so much that they are even willing to shell out cash to get it, sometimes just for a single person!  It seems from what I read that most N's are typically very stingy or something, so is this unusual at all?

[Legs]

Very generous....I don't know about that. Lucifer sent money to his Philippina Prostitute, but I think it was only because he had to pay her for her to finally have sex with him. And she whines about money, or lack of it, in every third or fourth email....it's so odd that I can't believe he never saw it...in the emails where she asks for money, she talks about sexual stuff...it's like his reward for putting up with her money requests.

My favorite part of this whole thing is going to be making those emails available to Lucifer's children..so they can see their old man is giving "their" money away to married hookers.

He was always extremely cheap in our life. But since I left him, he is splurging on fancy dinners several times a month (new girlfriend in town? New hooker in town?) and buying airline tickets for hi P.P. and PORN sites out the wazoo!!!!!


Legs

[confused]

Hey Zero,

I have, dealt with a few people I thought were at least somewhat N and were generous. With them, it was how they controlled everything and their NS.

My recent ex N/BPDbf was odd about money, sometimes generous, sometimes stingy, and--again--I suspect it was a way of trying to control his NS--me and others.

[zero]

Well now that I think about it, there are only a couple of times when I would call him "very generous" and I guess those incidences just stick out so much in my mind because they seem to contradict the rest of my perception of him.  Actually there are a lot more times he would tell me "we're broke" and yet he would still be buying all this extra crap that he didn't need.  Also when my mom makes relatively minor purchases compared to him he'll still get after her not realizing how hypocritical it is.

Maybe it's one of those kind of things they calculate just to throw us off the trail emotionally, I don't know.

[zero]

confused,

hah I wrote that last reply before I saw yours, but yeah exactly!!  My suspicion is the same.

[betterdays]

For many years I thought N was very generous, but after a while the pattern was clear:  he spent to impress, or to keep me from having ideas of spending it.

[Candymom]

Yes my exNBF was generous but in the end, I saw it was a way to make himself look good. I also felt that he looked down on me for being a single mother and he had the money to spend. He may have even used it as a controlling measure but I am so independant that I would push back and tell him that I was not his charity case and could pay my own bills. I don't think he liked that much. His generosity was his way of inflating his own ego. I don't think he cared at all about me.

[Litha]

All the Ns I have known are bountifully generous to and overflowing with empathy toward...THEMSELVES and nobody else.

I would view any appearaNce of geNerousity or empathy with grave suspicion.

 
Litha

[yesIam]

I would view any appearaNce of geNerousity or empathy with grave suspicion.

And you would be wise to do so, in my opinion.

It is funny that such a simple idea is so very triggering for me. It brings up all my ire/anger toward the N.

I could list all the very "generous" things the N did for me. . .including, but not limited to, offering to give me a monthly salary (basically) so that I didn't have to work.  When we first got together, I hadn't worked for five years and two of my children were very young, add to that their father (my XNH) had left town so I had no help with the raising of them.

I KNEW it was wrong to accept his "salary" even though he did his darndest to convince me that it was just a sharing of love/resources.  I didn't accept his "generous" offer because I knew it would create resentment and dependence.

Still, he did manage to convince me to accept a lot of money and expensive gifts.  He is wealthy and I am not and he just kept pounding the idea that it was an expression of his love and his caring and that I shouldn't think twice about it.

Well...it weighed heavily on me to do this.  It was more or less necessary for me to accept some of it, if I wanted to have the relationship he wanted...because it created some freedom for me to travel with him and to have time to indulge in the Legendary Love scenario.

Near the end, I became increasingly burdened by his "generosity" because it became less and less frequent and I began to have to ask him to do what he'd promised in the first place (e.g. pay my babysitters so I could come out with him, etc.)

There were a couple of disagreements between us, when I became so resentful that I was having to (in my mind) beg him for money, usually right after having had sex. . .I'm sure you can imagine how this felt, after two years together and promises of marriage, lifelong love and happiness, etc.

During one of these "discussions" he pronounced, indignantly, that he had been very GENEROUS with me.  <----generous helpings of manipulation and emotional abuse, but that's another thread...

I asked him, "have I not also been generous with you?"

His response, "I don't NEED generosity.  I have no needs.  Perhaps you have been generous with your conversation, but that's all you've offered me."

This conversation was the beginning of the end for me.  He's needled and wheedled me into accepting his generosity--demanding that I accept his view of this as a very natural thing between two lovers with such disparate lifestyles/income levels--assuring me he would never use this against me and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with it...

and then it suddenly became clear he was generous because he was buying me.  Period.  I was expected to be a puppet because of his financial contributions.

That was the end for me, emotionally.  It came to me slowly, but the realization that I was being treated as a call girl, a kept woman, with no reasonable expectation that we would ever actually share a life together.

Humiliating in the extreme and the end of my illusions about him and his nature.

I would NEVER trust someone who is so liberal with his "generosity" again.  No matter what the situation.  There are always strings attached and in my case they were the strings of a marionette.
 

[yesIam]

As a postscript to the above post, there are days when I wish I had accepted more from the N.  Now that I know that I was exploited, there is a part of me that wishes I'd taken more.

He offered to buy me a much larger house.
He offered to pay off my student loan.
He offered me tens of thousands of dollars, which I declined.

I wish, sometimes, that I had it in me to "use" someone.  I could be a lot more comfortable, financially, right now.  Sometimes it is very difficult to have a conscience.

[redhairtemper]

Mine was also generous with others but I wasn't 'deserving' of Xmas gifts.  It sets up a great scenario of reward and denial for the N.  It also attracts people and wins them admiration.

My N once found a briefcase at the airport.  He found out who it belonged to, tried to find him, went through his phone and called the man's home, emailed him took the case to lost and found, then called the man again to tell him where it was.  All this for a stranger.  A couple of days later, he received a notification that a $200 donation to the Heart and Stroke Fund had been given in his name.  He was over the moon!  It fed his narcissism quite nicely that day.

[smp]

mine used money as a form of control and to impress others. He  bought me a car, made a big deal out of it, yet would not even consider replacing the carpet in the bedroom - which is 24 years old and has a huge worn spot in it. He has plenty of money for lapdancers - yet started to say he had no money for the house. I had to pretty much force him to agree to pay half the house bills. He always said it is my house and I have to pay for it anyway - so why should he have to help.

[Sugar]

My NM has always been generous to me. From when I was a baby, she was a very attentive and caring mother, and her and my father always gave me the things I wanted.

However, once I reached the age of 18 and for once did not agree with everything she said (namely by not backing down and giving in when she told me I couldn't be with my fiance), that's when the NPD came out in full swing. She used the years she raised me as a weapon, telling me that after "all the years" she raised me as my mother I "turned against" her for some stranger, I'm a bad daughter, I'm a user, etc.

Regardless of her NPD, she is still generous when in her "good moods" like my father is to me. However, when she goes into a bad mood, she will tell me I am "only nice" to her when I'm "getting something" and that I am a user, like I was with her raising me.

She also stops doing ALL nice things for me when she is in one of her nasty modes, I guess as if to show me what I'm missing out on by getting on her bad side.

It's really terrible when people use generosity as a weapon against others.

[Sweatheart]

I have never seen xngf to be greedy with money. This is NOT something that I can hold against her. But was she generous? I wouldn't say so. She was normal at this aspect. She definitely was generous to herself and to her whims. But I am also like that.

She did offer me money couple of times when I was in a bad financial shape. I never accepted them, telling her that I appreciate the offer but it is my life and my financial responsibility, so I will manage.

She did want in the beginning that I would go and live with her. She told that she will be paying for this place and that I can rent or buy something for my son and that would be my financial responsibility. I told her that if ever I would be sharing home with her, I will be paying 50%. Otherwise I would never feel comfortable.

We never hit this point, but I realize that she would feel more comfortable in the settings where I would be financially dependent on her, because it would provide to her more control.

I am so glad this story of mine never developed into that.

[May]

Yes, but the reason was for power and control.

[peartree]

hi
the N i knew seemed generous with presents but i soon realised they were "free" things he got as part of offers etc. he once bought me a cup of tea and cake. on saying goodbye i said "thanks for the tea" and he said in a joky way "...and the cake!" which seemed like a crappy thing to say. yep all about power and control and if do something for you they expect total adoration and thanks/gratefulness even if they did something you didnt want them to do.i.e try and "help" you with something you neither wanted or needed help with.
mind-boggling !!
peartree x x

[Sugar]

he once bought me a cup of tea and cake. on saying goodbye i said "thanks for the tea" and he said in a joky way "...and the cake!" which seemed like a crappy thing to say.

Ugh, I know how that is. My NM has said stuff like that and it really does make you feel like crap. Like sometimes before I can get the chance to thank her for doing something nice, she will say, "THANKS, mom!" as if it cue me to say thanks.

It's so irritating and awkward, as though the thank you I was intending on saying will just look phony now no matter what.

[zero]

Ugh, I know how that is. My NM has said stuff like that and it really does make you feel like crap. Like sometimes before I can get the chance to thank her for doing something nice, she will say, "THANKS, mom!" as if it cue me to say thanks.

It's so irritating and awkward, as though the thank you I was intending on saying will just look phony now no matter what.

Oh my gosh, I had forgotten but this is exactly what my ndad would do too!!  Sometimes it really does seem like they're all reading from the same playbook or whatever.

[Serenity]

=My xnbf was generous, and I have observed him being generous to his new gf, and his kids, but it was always about show and affectation, not affection...what he could look like in front of others, what a wonderful person he was etc. Never did I truly feel that a gift was for free and for fun.

[smp]

no gift is free - in my divorce I learned that here in California, any gift he gave to me that he paid for our of his trust - he can ask for it back.

[SusyP14]

From what I understand, they are normally either one extreme or another.  Super generous (to garner supply and attention) and if they have money, they like showy displays of it ... fancy cars and homes, etc. OR horribly stingy.  Some will go into bankruptcy buying strangers drinks at bars. 

xn was probably the stingiest and cheapest man I have ever met.  His idea of giving me a gift was handing me some piece of crap he had lying around his house that he purchased at the Goodwill with a $3 pricetag on it.  And that is  not even a slight exaggeration.  I remember the first time, I went to his house, he handed me this scratched up cat knickknack and said:  Here you can have this, like he was giving me a pot of gold.  Bizarre.

[smp]

Or some will go into bankruptcy paying for lapdancers!!

[Julia]

Suzy,

That piece-o-crud gift has got to be the worst. Scratched, used, with the second hand price label still on..... the worst. It is as if he was saying he could have gotten something better, but he wanted to show you what, exactly, you were worth to him.

 And worse, I suspect he wanted to watch the play of emotions across your face as you tried to figure out what this could mean, tried to make it OK, and ultimately couldn't do so. That the whole point was to see your anticipation turn to confusion, and then disappointment, and then sadness. To me that defines Psychopath: getting pleasure from another person's pain. And if anyone reading this can relate, and has had this type of experience, you have to consider that your "N" has sociopath traits, at the very least.

My XN never gave me a gift, so I was spared this. And I could imagine that he was only avoiding the commercialism of society. OK, maybe he was getting pleasure from my pain... no gifts for 15 years..? He knew that would affect me.  But your XN was so much more obvious, and that had to hurt. Then again, that obviousness helped you get out after only a year... so maybe that was a blessing.

Julia

[Flower]

Applying generosity to a narcissist is an oxymoron.  

When you think you see generosity in a narcissist, ask yourself this:  Who is he trying to impress or What does he want?

Ex-coworker N wanted to impress his live-in with a diamond ring.  He went out and bought a used diamong ring, either from
a pawn shop or a "friend" of his.  I don't remember exactly--long while ago.   He found out her ring size and went to the jeweler
to get an exact fit.  He never did tell her it was used.

First, he was trying to impress her.  Secondly, he wanted her to stop bringing up marriage. He thought he could have a long engagement
and postpone marriage.  They ended up breaking up after a year.  He drove her nutz---really!

Flower

[Sweatheart]

Zero,

If I remember it correctly, your case is about N-parents. N-parents might be generous with money, because that is how they buy lack of parenting. my xngf has some views on why and when she should do something for another: when she benefits from that  but not in earning your love and not in making you feel more comfortable because N loves you. No.

When xngf was interested in having me she would give me rides in her car, in order to have me. But when I would ask her to give me a ride home because it was raining, she would try everything to escape this responsibility.

SH