Restoring our Sanity with 12-Step
by Monique94550
I think N-survivors are like recovering alcoholics and also al-anons (people whose lives are affected by loved ones who are alcoholics). As an N-survivor, I'm addicted to my xN. The 12 steps have been used by many groups of people, not just alcoholics. All the 12 steps are "we" rather than "I," because it is a "we" program, not an "I" program. You are not alone.
The first step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable." The first step spiritual principle is HONESTY.
For N-survivors, we are powerless over the N. We have to admit we can't make him change, although we sure have tried! "Our lives had become unmanageable," means to me, "I tried to manage my life, and THIS is what happened. I am not where I wanted to be."
The second step: "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The second step spiritual principle is HOPE.
This is a real tough step for those who have a problem with "God" or any higher power. But I could accept there is a power greater than me. I can't create a seed and make it grow into a sunflower. But something can. I'm willing to believe there is a higher power. And I'm willing to believe I can get help from that higher power. My years listening to stories of unbelievable recovery in AA have made me a strong believer in a god. Prayer that works has made me a strong believer.
The third step: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. The third step spiritual principle is FAITH. This step to me came to mean that every morning I pray for my higher power to help me make the choices that will allow me to live in the sunlight of the Spirit.
I believe in free will. I also believe in the basic concept of a force for good in the world, as well as a force for evil. I call the force for good “Higher Power,” (others call it God, Creator, Source, Universe, Love, etc.) and I call the force for bad “Evil.” I believe Evil is trying to influence me all the time. It tells me I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. It tells me my life sucks, and that I’m a failure, and that I’m fat, etc. It also tells me to procrastinate, to wait until the last minute, to be full of fear, to judge, to be intolerant. Those messages come through loud and clear. My Higher Power, on the other hand, gives me quiet messages, that I have to be really in tune to hear. Also, my Higher Power doesn’t influence my behavior unless I ask it to, because of free will. I must ask it to change my behavior. And so my daily prayer.
Each day is full of choices. I can choose to stay in bed and feel depressed, or I can choose to get up and jump in the shower, which always makes me feel better! Why wouldn’t I naturally want to jump in the shower if it always makes me feel better? Because of the influence of Evil. I have to ask my Higher Power to help me, not only in prayer in the morning, but in prayer throughout the day. “Help me to leave for work early so I don’t have to fight traffic and feel ashamed because I’m late.” “Help me to eat healthy foods, so my body works better.” “Help me.”
Next come the action steps:
Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Spiritual Principle: COURAGE
Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Spiritual Principle: INTEGRITY. These steps kind of go together. In Step Four, I was taught to write out four columns:
First column, “Who Do I Resent”
Second column, “Why?”
Third column, “How Does This Affect Me?” (Does it threaten my self-esteem, my security, my pride, my personal relationships)
Fourth, and most important, column: “WHAT IS MY PART IN IT”?
Then in the Fifth Step, we sit down with someone we trust (in AA, usually it’s our sponsor, who is the person we’ve asked to take us through the steps; this person usually has long-term sobriety, has worked the steps, has a sponsor herself, and has what we want in terms of spirituality, principles, etc.), and we go over our Fourth Step. We tell her EVERYTHING. No secrets, because secrets make us SICK. Even though we think much of what we have done as a practicing alcoholic is horrible, when we tell it to her, she doesn’t flinch, because she’s always heard much worse!
With the help of our sponsor, we go through our Fourth Step and identify patterns of our behavior that have caused us pain. Those patterns typically help us identify our most glaring character defects. My primary one was dishonesty, in that I didn’t show people my true self. I gave them what I thought they wanted. Then, eventually, I resented them for it, and I punished them and left them. This is very entwined with what I am learning now about my lack of boundaries and my lack of self-love.
Step Six: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Spiritual Principle: WILLINGNESS.
Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Spiritual Principle: HUMILITY.
These sound easy, but they are lifelong. We must be willing to let go of our shortcomings, and ask our Higher Power for help in getting rid of them.
Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Spiritual Principle: BROTHERLY LOVE.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Spiritual Principle: DISCIPLINE.
First of all, let me say that I put myself on the top of the list of people I had harmed. And also how important it is to take this step with the guidance of a sponsor (or spiritual advisor), in that sometimes we think we have harmed someone, and we really haven’t, or sometimes it’s best to not try to make amends to someone, since it would do nothing but hurt them more. We can’t get rid of our guilt at the expense of someone else. And amends doesn’t mean saying, “I’m sorry.” It means a clear understanding of what I did wrong, how it hurt the other person, asking the person how I can make it right, and then doing what they ask. It especially means NOT REPEATING the same behavior. Financial amends means paying off whatever debt I owe. Sometimes it’s just a living amends – living in a sober, principled way.
With this step, we begin to be able to look others in the eye as we walk down the street. Our shame and self-hatred abate.
Note: I suggest NEVER try to make amends to an N. They will just use it against you, and hurt you. This has been my experience with one particular N in my life. There is no reason to put yourself through that. I am willing to make amends to other N's in my life, but my sponsor has told me not to.Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Spiritual Principle: PERSEVERANCE.
This step is so that no more trash accumulates in my soul. I keep my side of the street clean on a daily basis.
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Spiritual Principle: AWARENESS OF GOD.
Pretty self-explanatory. For me, His will is that I be happy, joyous and free.
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Spiritual Principle: SERVICE.
How this works in reality for me is that it allows me to KNOW there is a Higher Power that I can go to for help. It also teaches me that I need to put in the work and take the action necessary to get what I want, but THE RESULT IS OUT OF MY HANDS. Once I prepare as I should for a test, or interview, or whatever, I can rest and relax, because THE RESULT IS OUT OF MY HANDS. It’s in my Higher Power’s hands.
It teaches me I am powerless over alcohol, BUT I HAVE DIRECT ACCESS TO A POWER THAT WILL HELP ME STAY SOBER. For me as an N-survivor, I know I am powerless over my xN, but if I sincerely ask for help from my Higher Power, I can stay away from him, and I can recover.
Also I know that there’s nothing I can do to change my past. I need to embrace my past, because it has taught me valuable lessons, and it is experience I can use to help others.
And the future hasn’t happened yet, so there’s no reason to worry about it. I can take whatever is going around in my mind that I can’t figure out, and I can write it down on a piece of paper and put it in my “God Box,” and so literally hand it over to my Higher Power. The answer will come. This has helped me SO MUCH. Things work out, if I let them.
The 12 Steps don’t advocate Christianity or any other type of religion. It’s purely spiritual.By doing these steps, I feel like I got the directions to life that I never had (that it seemed like everybody else got when they were born, but not me).
By belonging to a 12-step group (I go to AA and Al-Anon), I find people who are like me, who have been to hell and know what it’s like. They understand when I say things that “normal” people would really consider off-the-wall.
For N-survivors who have ANYONE in their lives with a drug or alcohol addiction, I would strongly suggest going to Al-Anon. Also many N-survivors also qualify for S-Anon, which is for people whose lives have been affected by loved ones who are sex addicts. The only thing is, there aren’t that many S-Anon meetings around.
If you’re interested in finding an Al-Anon or S-Anon meeting, all you need to do is Google Al-Anon and the name of your town or nearby large city, and you’ll get contact information. Also know that some meetings are better than others in terms of SOLUTIONS (rather than people just sitting around talking about the PROBLEM), so go to different meetings, and hopefully you’ll find a place you fit in.
Let me apologize ahead of time if any of you feel I’m overstepping my boundaries. That’s not my intention. I have just found an amazing way of life in AA because of the 12 steps, that I want to share it with you. Many of the issues faced by recovering alcoholics are similar to those faced by recovering N-survivors. And in Al-Anon, many of the issues revolve around boundaries and codependence.
Love,
Monique
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