Inappropriate Co-worker Birthday Card

[Proud2B]

To make a short story of it, the exNH/Engineering Manager is in charge of selecting and purchasing birthday cards for his reports. 

The one he picked out for the Lead Draft person is over-the-top mean.  I'm SURE the exN thinks it's funny in a haha! sort of way, but I also know he cannot stand 'fat'.  The person he bought it for is a little overweight, definitely out of shape, and very self-conscious.  (He is also conscientious, does a GREAT job, and is a very nice person).   

I signed the card, very regretfully.  I seriously did not want to because it seemed mean to me, but I signed anyway - against my better judgement.  What I REALLY wanted to do was toss it in the trash.  Somethings I still don't trust my judgement on.  The only reason I signed is because I thought maybe I am overreacting.  But it's hard to ignore my feelings - I feel sick about it because I know the person it's directed towards will be hurt.  He'll put up a good front - stiff upper lip and all - but it will bother him.

The exN is on a roll (aka 'manic'), and when that happens, people get hurt. 

He is such a d. bag.

Proud2B

[SparklePony]

Hi Proud,

D-Bag is the word. My Dad got along well with his work mates, because they were all d-bags. However, we have a neighbor couple that have lived next to us for 20 years (they're like my aunt and uncle now) - and my Dad make fun of my neighbor's weight - ALL the time (even though my Dad himself is large). I remember once we all went out to dinner (I was 13 or something) - and my Dad was not only making horrible racist jokes (we were in a Mexican restaurant, Mexican jokes - how original) - but also continuously poked and prodded at my neighbor about his weight.

My neighbor was visibly disturbed by it, and his wife was as well - and my Dad just kept going and going.

I'm thankful for my neighbors - they're some of the only people I can talk to about N Dad - because they know what he's truly like.

Maybe you could get this person a different card? I would hate to participate in any d-baggery. However I'm sure this person does know who picked out the card. You were right to feel uncomfortable. Total d-bag 

SP

[NewWings4MeNow]

Proud,

I hate to say it, but this sounds like an HR matter if the manager is putting any kind of pressure at all on his reports to have people sign it.  Adults aren't dumb or blind -- if you've recognized the hurt this will cause, others will too, including men, and they'll wonder if they're next on his target list.  

Discrimination against those overweight or obese has already become a national issue, so now, I'd think, would actually be a GREAT time to bring this to HR's attention.  They may not act on it, but it will certainly put the topic on their radar.

In addition, I'd suggest you go to the recipient privately and tell him just what you've written here regarding your views on it, why you did what you did, and your opinion of his character and work product.  Amidst the bravado, it will help him to know there's an undercurrent of compassion bubbling along.

When XNH turned 40 and the black tie birthday party I hosted for him was a roast, of sorts, to his aging and I had him wear a diaper, carry a hearing aid, a cane and a scraggly beard, he was an adult and could have told me he didn't want those things, but he went along with all of it and I got no sense of his displeasure.  Party pics show XILs, OTOH, looking totally miffed at what was done to their baby boy (though all other guests were having a blast) and I'm sure the event and my positioning as NewWings The Cruel played into the D, of all things.  

BTW, XNMIL continually bashed XFIL about his weight, even calling him "fatty" in front of others and to the point of him sneaking treats that even his grandchildren could see and causing him shame and resentment.  And this has directly contributed to XNH's body/weight/health obsessions.

NewWings4MeNow

[victimnomore]

Yuck!  I agree with Sparklepony, if you can, get another card.

My XNbf HATED overweight people, probably a pretty widely shared N trait.  They see them as weak and flawed, easy targets, but it has generally been my experience that "fat people" tend to be kind hearted and fun.... probably because they have so often been the butt of the N jokes, they develop, as a defense, a self-deprecating sense of humor and a strong sense of empathy/compassion.

[NewWings4MeNow]

YES to victim's comments -- XNH completely.  "Weak and flawed, easy targets ...." 

My grandparents were portly, kind and fun, and cousin has become a very big man and is well aware of it, so is quite self-deprecating also having empathy/compassion (and yes, he took us out for obscene ice cream, at midnight, to Chicago's oldest/most venerable spot -- and yes, we loved it).  NOBODY in my family ever made fun of any person because of their weight (WELL, except P brother to me as a child -- typical), and everybody's weight shifted up and down through the years.

NewWings4MeNow

[bellelang83]

I suppose since they're so image conscious bring fat is the worst crime of all to an N since it impinges upon their most fundamental concept of maintaining a good image. After my shoulder surgery, I started to become a little sedentary as one does when being laid up and momster continually made digs about my weight. Not once did she ask about how the shoulder was coming along. Just that I was becoming tubby and I should watch what I ate. When that didn't work, she began getting dad to pester me everyday about it. I think that was when I first started to see how out of whack these peoples priorities were. I was recovering from a major shoulder operation and there was no mention of acupuncture/massage sessions I should look into, or how I was going along. Just that I had moved up from a size 10 to a size 12 and that it was worrying/loathsome/problematic to my parents. My exN who got on perfectly with my Momster, after our breakup also went into overdrive telling me I was becoming obese when I no longer ate a vegan diet (which he forced upon me - no matter how much I fought, I wasn't allowed to eat meat) and I had moved one dress size up from an 8. They really ought to be rounded up and put together in a slave colony somewhere. They are beyond reckoning.

[victimnomore]

I suppose since they're so image conscious bring fat is the worst crime of all to an N since it impinges upon their most fundamental concept of maintaining a good image.

bellelang83

Bingo!  XNbf tried to claim his problem with overweight people was that they were unhealthy, but I know it was simply the fact that they weren't striving to maintain the all important cool, stylish, Hollywood approved image.  A Cardinal sin.  It wasn't that they were unhealthy, it was that they were, to him, unsightly.  Vulgar.  Along these same lines, he also seemed to hate the poor.  Poverty was, to his way of thinking, a sign of failure, so they were also weak and flawed.  Appearances are all important to those who have nothing beyond the material. 

[Julia]

I went to an N + N wedding a few years back. They were neighbors and invited the neighborhood so it was hard to get out of..... anyway, in the vows she had to promise to stay HOT (she is). It was subtle, but it was definitely in the vows. I was looking around to see if anyone noticed, but nobody but me seemed to notice. She also had to promise to let him watch sports and to watch sports with him, but they kept that kind of light and funny. I thought it was weird to have a sarcastic "funny" comment like that (about ESPN) in the vows, but to each their own. The bit about her body was just sick. She is 10 years older than him, but is gorgeous. After she had her second child I heard him talking about her weight, like a couple weeks after the birth......

Julia

[Imogene]

Yep, my husband also hates fat people.  And he's ugly.  That's the funny thing.  He's an ugly man.  I am not very image conscious and don't care how people look, but narcissists who live in glass houses drive me crazy.

[honeybearII]

I am definitely NOT a "wispy" woman, LOL, being 6 feet tall and definitely would never be described as "willowy".  My exNH's affairs were ALWAYS with short, skinny women who looked like they had anorexia - and probably DID, LOL. 

What I find fascinating, is that after all his subtle and not-so-subtle hints about weight and my food issues while I was married to him (which pretty much disappeared when HE disappeared!!), he has, since this second marriage (to a skinny, mousy woman), put on a LOT of weight.  Wonder how he justifies it NOW?  He also was into all this organic, vegetarian, whack-o dieting stuff for a long, long time and if we went out to eat with friends would harp endlessly about everything they ordered, its nutritional value, and why it was bad for them.  Sheesh.  After a while people were just "too busy" to socialize with him because he was ABSOLUTELY OBNOXIOUS.

Ns believe they are perfect and everyone around them must also be perfect if they are to be adequate partners.  Makes me want to toss my cookies now, except that would be the waste of a good stack of Oreos.   
Honey

[too_many]

Yeah, thin-ness was #1 on my n-dad's shopping list for a new wife, and the first adjective he used to describe the one he actually got to (temporarily) accept a ring.

[victimnomore]

This whole discussion is reminding me of how XNbf would put the food on both of our plates, so that my portions were controlled by him.  Then later he would inevitably make a snide comment about me "cleaning my plate."  Mind you, I am in good shape and thin, to the point that my therapist actually asked if I eat enough... what a controlling N scumbag.  (So glad I am thinking of this, I NEED to think of this.)  Think I'm going to have seconds tonight.... and then maybe some dark chocolate, YUM!!!  Ah the sweet payoffs of not being with a control freak MN.  Sure, I might have to don my fat pants, but I will be a lot happier without the insane and constant perfectionistic strutiny.  (Off topic side note: he liked me to be naked pretty much all the time, which again, no doubt was for control...and humiliation.  I was HIS PROPERTY.)

[tango3]

Strange stbxN always complained about my weight.  I was 115lbs when I met him (guess I was suitably thin).  I had two children (his) ten months apart, I'd lost all the baby weight by the time the youngest was 7 months old (back to a size 4) and that still wasn't good enough for him.  His constant complaint was the fact that I didn't have a flat stomach! 
Well no one major abdominal surgery and two c-sections I'm never going to have a flat stomach!  Then he complained that I wasn't "toned" enough and on  and on ad nauseum.
In the meantime he got fatter and less muscled - now he's just a blob, a short, fat, blob that looks just like his father (ick).  I dropped 30 lbs when he left (think it went straight to his gut ), also somehow managed to knock 10 years off my face   whereas he added about 20 years.   Fair exchange I reckon.  Bottom line is he spent 20 some years complaining about my body, what I wore, the way I had my hair, what I thought, what I ate.  No wonder I spent 20 years depressed.

[CZBZ]

"Makes me want to toss my cookies now, except that would be the waste of a good stack of Oreos." ~Honeybear

Well, Honey and I know each other personally so she's quite aware I'm no wispy woman either. One thing my X-husbaNd said when we were engaged was, "If you ever get fat, I'll divorce you." Course, I being the airheaded hippie chick of 1970---didn't believe him and besides, I couldn't imagine myself fat anyway. I thought it was ridiculous for a man who introduced me to Herman Hesse's Siddhartha to be so concerned with body weight. After all, we're spirits first and flesh secondarily, right?  

When we got divorced, he reminded me how forgiving and kind he had been because he had said he'd divorce me if i got fat and he DIDN'T divorce me.

Let's all chant together, "Ahhhhhh, what a Nice Man!"

The really ridiculous thing is like some of you, my X was no runway model! sheesh!! That likely had something to do with WHY it was unthinkable for him to divorce a 'fat' wife---at least "I" had a cute face.


Hugs,
CZ

[NewWings4MeNow]

CZ,

An exact quote from what Rhett said to Scarlett -- that he'd D her if she ate too much and got fat.

That not long after she'd gone homeless and hungry during the war ....

Those two were quite the histrionic couple, and he left anyway.  So the all-important question is: 

Did Scarlett eat to her heart's content in the second movie, or not?

NewWings4MeNow

(XNH never commented on how kind he'd been to me while 50 lb. up and pregnant, but he hadn't yet hit 40, wasn't unemployed, we didn't live in this area and he hadn't yet met Special Male Friend, so was relatively Normal about food and body, though other N traits were growing.)

(I'm sure you still have a cute face.  And Honey, I'm envisioning the Oreos in a box on my shelf right now.)

[victimnomore]

I think we should all eat a cookie to celebrate our freedom from N coNtrol.  Who's in?   

[bellelang83]

LOL... this thread is reminding me of a guy I went out with before ExN whom I realise probably is an N as well. He told me that he would break up with me if I got bigger than a size 12, at the time I thought he was joking, but when I asked him to clarify he said he meant every word and that he WOULD dump me the second I got bigger than a size 12. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry as it was such a cruel and absurd remark - I choose to dump him not long afterwards myself, but unfortunately as I did understand about N being under the roof of one for 20 years, it was a case of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire as my ExN proved to be an even weirder nut when it came to food. He was a sanctimonious vegan advocate (advocate isn't even the right word - more like food nazi) who never failed to use food to control and manipulate. Exactly like your ExNH Honeybear, always carping on about nutrition and health. Going out with friends was near impossible as he would not even eat in non vegan restaurants and the one time we ate with a group of people whilst we were undertaking a weekend seminar he made everyone feel bad for eating meat and when they didn't respond he ranted and raved about how rude they were not continuing the conversation. Not picking up that he was probably terrifying every person on that table with his sanctimonious baloney and that he had probably put them off their food... it was all about how they ignored him.

[RB22]

XN has given up being the perfect shape... he has been diagnosed with diabetes and a bunch of other health issues... so his food HAS to be controlled.

But his bald spot is from hitting his head on the headboard when having sex.  that is HIS explanation and he is sticking to it!

[Proud2B]

hahaha!  In order for the exN to claim his bald spot is from sex, he'd have to be standing on his head!  Oh the picture THAT presents.... =msn happy=min

Well, the card was presented and commented upon, and the exN actually started making some excuses, which ONLY made it worse.  Like "It was just a card I already had", (yeah, for WHO?!  Not the birthday boy!)  Ugh.  Anyway, the point is, I was not the only one to notice, and the thought occurred to the exN that the card might be hurtful, but HE DID IT ANYWAY.  Double d. bag.

In the end, I gave the birthday boy a card from me.  One that didn't poke fun at him. 
 

Proud2B

[CZBZ]

I shoulda left a comment, at least an emoticon for RB's contribution to WoN Hilarity. It rates right up there with Penis Reduction Surgery.

But now Proud paints an unforgettable picture: "he'd have to be standing on his head!"


ROFL!!!

CZ

[Retired Cornfield]

I surely am learning a lot here, and I think the differences are generational in nature.  Late Husband was a pig!
And he forced fat food on me, buttering my roll and putting it on my plate even though I wasn't planning to eat the roll.  He ordered for me when I went to the bathroom, and he ate dessert in front of me when I was trying to be reasonable about the big meal.  He went to the grocery with me and filled the cart with fatty meats and cheese.
I fed the meats to the dog, who must have gotten artery problems because he had a stroke one Easter.

Friends on the Won board used to jokingly suggest recipes for me to cook for Husband that would hasten his demise, but it was of little use.  He seemed to adore his fat gut, and looked like he was ready to deliver twins.
He would sit watching TV and rubbing his glorious body.  I am sure he wanted me much heavier and more homely under the idea that putting others down made him look better.  He never appreciated my efforts at good health and exercise, so he avoided the conversations completely.  He had diabetes for many years before he was diagnosed, and seldom paid attention to his diet because he was in such complete denial of his health problems.  He would often tell me that he was going to outlive me.  He died a pathological liar as well. By the way, he would have been the first to send a crude card to someone on their birthday and think it was funny.    Retired Cornfield

[victimnomore]

Cornfield, control seems to be the common denominator here. Your late NH and my XNbf actually sound very similar in that: they both wanted to control what we ate, whether it was forcing (or trying to tempt) you to eat more than you wanted or my X divying up the portions for both of us, they had to have us, every aspect of us, even our eating habits, under their control. 

[JennyWren]

There is quite enough pressure to be a perfect model shape from the media without the N-brigade jumping on everyone`s cases and sending mean birthday cards.

As a generalisation I find larger folks tend to be down-to-earth and sensible without their head shoved as far as it will go up their backside!!!

My NH got quite chubby at one point...but his MLC drove him to work out and eat nothing. And yes.....constantly harrass me to do the same. He is now so skinny his stupid weasly face has collapsed in and he looks like a lizard!!! He is all skin and bone...whoever he entraps next will have to be attracted to gristle!

Lovely to be slim I guess...but I am quite into comfort eating right now. I`m off to have a biscuit!!!

[CZBZ]

Ha, Jenny! How was your biscuit??   For a few years, I forced myself to follow the Oreo Recovery Plan. It wasn't a great plan but it was my plan which I followed religiously for about three years.

About Inappropriate Birthday Cards and other Frustrations

Narcissists thrive on putting other people down to give themselves a boost. They may not be conscious of what they're doing but it's so compelling, you can see the pattern when you're looking for it. Here's an example:

My x and I were attending a fancy baby shower for one of his rich co-workers and they asked each person to write a little sumthin-sumthin to read to the party. My X wrote this terrible joke about 'rocking babies to sleep' and I told him it was so inappropriate that people might throw their gold-plated utensils at him or their crystal goblets. He said, "Yea, yer right. It's in bad taste."

I said, "It's not the bad taste that's the issue. It's the fact that it isn't funny and people will find it offensive. You cannot tell that joke because it isn't funny to rock your baby to sleep with rocks."

So we get there and what does he do? He tells the joke. Dead silence. People are looking at him and at me and now I'm sure they were wondering why-the-hell we were together. He said, "Well, that joke went over like a lead balloon. People just have no sense of humor these days."

 

What shocks me even more is that I 'tried' to teach him why it wasn't funny instead of realizing it was NOT my job to teach him how to be an adult. If he wanted to laugh at jokes like that, then what business of it was mine? Chalk it up to one more reason why we were not compatible. I needed a partner, not a son. LOLLOL!!!


Hugs,
CZ

[LettingGo]

Proud what a Great Learning Experience for ya -- and for us! Not about the N, because they are evil, so that he gets off on Toxic Teasing through a Birthday Card w/a slam is no surprise. I want to agree with what others have said about your regret for enabling the Ns harmful behavior. We must be aware how Ns use others. By signing a Toxic B-day Card, or silently standing by and saying nothing, is an act of Enabling. The Victim is not going to see just the N attacking him but everyone who signed the Stupid Toxic Card, and those who stood by the N and said nothing against the attack. Buy an Appropriate Compassionate B-day Card for him, one that truly reflects how Proud feels and not the N. I would also add a Gift Card, and share w/him as you did w/us how you deeply regret signing that terrible B-day Card that the N passed around. Since you still work w/N you are still in his KoN at least while you are at work, and when you are in the KoN there are only two postions you can take, stand w/the N and be an Enabler, or Stand Against the N which means you will be a walking Target. Enabler or Target that is your choice when you are in the KoN. We have all enabled a N in one way or another and have Regrets about doing that -- and that is a great thing. Regret leads to Remorse and Remorse leads to Change or Repentance. Proud it is because you have Empathy that you can recognize that you did something wrong, and you are Courageous to admit it to yourself and to others. Now go and do the right thing. 

The Greatest Regrets I have is not making a Mistake, but not doing anything to correct it. And about the Gift of the Gut telling you something is Wrong w/this Situation w/the Toxic B-day Card, if your choice is to be "Too Sensitive or Too Calloused" -- go for being Too Sensitive.  Ns are the only People who do not value Sensitivity, the rest of us Normal Empathetics highly value it and your other Non N Co-Workers will applaud you for doing the Compassionate/Right Thing.

Again don't beat yourself up, so you are an Imperfect Person like the rest of us who makes mistakes, and has Empathy and Remorse to be Humble and Compassionate to others to admit that you did something Wrong. We all make Mistakes and we are all learning, so that we do not repeat them. This is not only a Great Learning Experience for you Proud, but also the rest of us, to remind us that when a N is around you can Not let your guard down. You must always expect the worst from the N, so that when those Alarms go off, Red Flags start waving and you get that "sick feeling" you will not igore the Message your Body is sending you. 
Warrior Women of Worth are Smart and Wise
We are Smart when we learn from our Mistakes and we are Wise when we learn from the Mistakes of Others.