a bad day for projections

[smp]

You can't filter his behavior through your rational behavior colander.  It gives you the wrong answers.  Whatever he says, the opposite is 100% true.  Try that for awhile, and see how that works for you. Monique I believe that is where I always "lost it," trying to make his stupidity "feel" rational. Total cognitive dissonance. I like the use of the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then I would say nothing else.

Thanks to my career and family, we actually led pretty separate lives for quite a few years at the end. I thought he was just being weird because he has come into so much money - and had to adjust - here again, using rational logic! I was really independent, strongly opinionated, responsible - both emotionally and financially. He hid so much, I was not aware of his other lifestyle choices. I was always adamant that I wanted him, not needed him. No wonder he is working so hard to be a complete selfish slob in the divorce. He is attempting to take everything.

CZBZ - Imogene mentioned CZ was saying in another thread, I think the one about narcissists calling US abusive, that often narcissistic spouses break from their partners when their partners make a bid for greater independence.  And that is truly what happened here. Any idea where that thread is? I am not remembering it. I have so many memories of being strong, setting boundaries (of course, in his "other lifestyle" he obliterated those boundaries - probably really enjoyed "getting over on me," but I had no awareness of it!) It is all so confusing and disgusting that anyone would be that intent on harming someone else.

I agree with Better Days - fear is paralyzing - that is how they control.

[Imogene]

smp--CZ's message is on the "were you accused of being an abuser thread."  It's her second message on this thread and not really a long one.

[smp]

thanks 

I have just gone in and read this one, No memory of reading the beginning of that thread, really helpful to me now. N had/has an office manager/personal assistant that I insisted he get rid of just months prior to his leaving. She is a real golddigger. He bought her a car - I am not supposed to know that!, I said "How in the heck can you afford to buy a new car on what n pays you?" She said "We were at the car dealership picking his new car up and for "fun" had them run my credit and guess what? I could afford it!"  He got a black one, hers is white.

My best revenge? They now have each other and I am not involved!

 

[Imogene]

I had another terrible day Friday, meeting with our daughter's therapist, so I lacked the will to come in here and thank everyone who commented since.  Thanks, smp and peartree and monique and Jen.  Your comments ease the pain. 

Yes, it is hard to deal with the projections.  Of course there is the occasional mind-blowing accusation that makes me realize my husband is off his nut, but mostly there's an element of truth to what he's saying.  I hone in on the truth and dwell on that rather than looking at the larger picture. 

After resolving my feelings of guilt and shame over this therapy session, in which I went off and named all the abuse I've been living with and concluded by saying that I am afraid of my husband (while he virulently denied everything and threatened me further), I feel stronger.  My daughter had a recital today, and listening to all the kids play their pieces made me feel hope for the future. 

And there was this.  One of the things I mentioned in the therapy session, that made me feel that I'd gone too far, is how my husband abuses the dog.  He hotly denied this, giving rationalizations for two specific incidents in which he'd hurt  it.  One of the things he said was true: the dog is having an allergic reaction to something and has scratched its ears until they are painful to the touch.  We didn't know it, and both of us have caused the dog to yelp by innocently petting it.  But this evening, the dog got into something, and my husband started screaming at it in a back room, and suddenly the dog yelped and cried hard several times.  It came running to me shaking its head repeatedly and still whimpering.  I'm sure he pulled it by its ears, knowing full well how much that would hurt the dog.

It's stuff like this that helps me to detach.       

[monique94550]

Imogene,

What you wrote about "an element of truth" reminded me that I've been taught that's one of Satan's tactics -- there's a small truth in Satan's lies and taunts, but they are meant to manipulate, abuse, and confuse you.  Please trust yourself to know better, and don't fall for it.

Also, one of the common characteristics of the N's in my life has been their joy in telling "the truth without love."

And remember, they are always sicker than we are smart.

Of course your husband denies abuse, and of course his "mind-blowing" accusations are only occasional.  It wouldn't be gaslighting if he was just obviously nuts all the time and admitted the truth about what he's doing to the dog.

Stay strong.  I'm glad you're enjoying the real important things in life, like your daughter and the other children.

Monique