can you tell if a child is on the way to becoming an N?

[Imogene]

Tough one.  I would freak if my daughter did that.  I am really big on honesty, and she knows that if she tells me the truth I will be much less likely to get angry or discipline her than if she lies.  But she doesn't want to disappoint either me or X, because she's only seven.  There's the leverage.  What's your leverage with a seventh grader? 

I have worried loads about my daughter becoming borderline, because she cannot be or play alone, has been so anxious over separation and transition, and is adopted.  The research shows a decent risk of it happening.  But I don't think of her as borderline or developing those tendencies.  I think instead of what I can do to minimize the problems I am seeing that are risk factors.

Again, though, she's young still.  Reading posts from many of you with teens and preteens makes me dread that age.  Even healthy teens sound horrible!  What do you do if your son doesn't care about his grades?  You can't be on him.  You have to let it go.  But how?  How do you let a still young child go down that path?

I still don't think labeling him is going to solve anything; it just puts him behind a wall to stand next to your ex.  You don't want him over there.  I guess what you do is find your leverage and know your bottom line and hang tough. 

Good luck with this.  Maybe he himself will dislike these grades and start buckling down.  You never know.

[Legs]

I think I know what I should do. Buy an island and accept all morose and sullen teenagers to live there until their heads finally come out of the collective ass.

Since I don't have any kids and am actually still just a big kid myself (according to y sister who knows EVERYTHING and may not always be right but is never wrong) , other kids don't bother me when they are in the I Hate Everything/Everyone stage. I find it amusing and I love to grouse along right with them about how sucky it really all is plus I can throw in some hideous true stories about bad things that have happened to good people and how no good deed goes unpunished and how if they were really as smart as they say they are, they'd just refuse to ever get out of bed again and if they think it sucks now, just wait forty years.

I think all of us are N's in some way or another.....and really, we need to be. We have to put ourselves first and take care of ourselves, 'cos no one else is going to do it.


Oh, and don't forget the part about never trusting ANYONE EVER COMPLETELY because it just might not work out.


I think if you commiserate with a teen about how truly shitty the world is, it sort of makes them think a little bit and see how good they really do have it..sitting in the catbird seat and all....whatever the heck that is.

Legs

[alatariel]

I used to get along well with teens.  I was often the confidant of friends' teens, and would commiserate with them on their crappy lives in this crappy world with their crappy parents.

*sigh*  Apparently this doesn't help me with my own teen.

A huge part of this is my guilt.  It feels as though I began losing a connection to my son right around the time I was in the thick of my "friendship" with the troll.  I chalked his behavior and feelings up to the fact that he wasn't happy that I made a friend and started doing things for myself, in addition to being a mom.  And I don't think I pushed my kids entirely aside in favor of my "relationship", but even though they remained my first priority, she was my second and my son didn't like it.

Now I realize that he knew she was not a good person and treated us all like crap, and he was trying to tell me that, but had to withdraw from me to protect himself when I refused to listen.  I'm guilty of not being as emotionally available to him as I should have been, especially during a crucial time in his life.  He began to distrust me and lose faith in me, and that's entirely justified.  It's going to be a very long road regaining his trust.  He's seen me fight with the troll and stop speaking to her for a while, but I always went back.  It's going to take longer than 3 months for him to be able to trust that I won't allow her into our lives again.