so, how do you react if you encounter a trigger?

[alatariel]

I was reading the "triggers" thread, and wanted to know what your reaction looks like, and if ppl around you know or realize that something has triggered you?
And what is meant by "triggers"?  I was referring to hearing a song, or seeing a character in a movie bringing on unpleasant, sad, or angry thoughts and feelings, but maybe I'm wrong and it refers to something much stronger?  Are we talking like the cliche of a war veteran hitting the dirt when they hear a car backfire?

I'm asking b/c I probably haven't run into anything that I'm aware of triggering me, then, since I don't think anyone around me would ever realize that something bothers me. I just tune it out if I'm around ppl, or walk away/change stations if I'm alone.  I keep the thoughts and emotions to myself until they go away.

[tango3]

Songs and movies don't trigger me but circumstances do.  Happened just the other week.  I was out for the night with friends, suddenly I found myself sitting completely alone at the table for a while.  That was a HUGE trigger for me.  I can't count the times I went to a function with Toad and he dumped me, left me sitting alone in a corner while he "socialized" with far more interesting people.

I got up and left, didn't say goodbye to anyone, knew I just had to get out of there.  So if I'm triggered by anything, I try and get away by myself.  I know I'm not in a good place and I have to work it through myself and not unload on some hapless person who has no idea where my mind has taken me

[HealingDaughter]

So far my reaction has been relegated to crying and anger. If I'm somewhere public I'll run to the nearest restroom and let the waterworks begin. Otherwise, if I'm at home, my hubby has told me to feel free to let it all out and he does a great job of comforting me if he's home. One thing I so very much appreciate is that he never tells me how I should feel, or how I need to act. He's admitted that he can't fathom the depth of the things done to me by my parents. It's nice to have a husband who allows me to work through this stuff and vent to him knowing I won't be judged.

[daisyk9292]

HD - That's wonderful you can feel safe with you H to experience what you need to without judgement.

Alatariel - I'm always aware of when something triggers me, but nobody around me would be. In the past when I was more raw, I had a tough time and would go the bathroom or excuse myself, especially around my daughter. I never wanted her seeing me cry or be upset. At that time she was only 5. I didn't want her to feel unsafe or frightened by seeing me cry. But now I can definitely contain it better until later. The emotional charge from triggers isn't as strong as they used to be.

By the way, I just started reading "The Places That Scare You" by Pema Chodron. I really like it so far.

[CZBZ]

"I was reading the "triggers" thread, and wanted to know what your reaction looks like, and if ppl around you know or realize that something has triggered you? And what is meant by "triggers"?  I was referring to hearing a song, or seeing a character in a movie bringing on unpleasant, sad, or angry thoughts and feelings, but maybe I'm wrong and it refers to something much stronger?  Are we talking like the cliche of a war veteran hitting the dirt when they hear a car backfire?" ~Alatariel

You've made a good point here, Alatariel. I think triggers can refer to anything from a fleeting thought, to a panic attack or dissociative episode (ptsd).

I started having panic attacks about six years into my marriage (1970's) and no, it wasn't all my X's fault. I had issues from childhood when i did not feel safe which coupled with my X's raging, set the stage for anxiety attacks in my late twenties. It took some research on my own to find out what was going on since the hospital told me I had 'gas'. OMG! I went to the emergency room because my heart was racing and i couldn't breath and they told me i had gas. How humiliating could anything be when your irritated husband drives you home with a roll of antacids on your lap? It made me look like a hysterical woman, a hypochondriac or something which I'm not. I could write a book about the medical mistreatment women endured in the 60's and 70's.

When my X would rage (what he called being 'intense'), I would be 'triggered' by my past when I didn't feel empowered to protect myself. My anxiety would increase to the point I could feel my heart beating in my chest and yet i wouldn't have a panic attack until later---maybe even the next day when everything had calmed down. It took awhile for me to connect his 'intense' emotional outbursts with my panic attacks. What i learned to do was remind myself that I was 'safe'---put protection roses around myself...imagine a boundary with thorns and brambles like a wild rose hedge. This was the worst it ever got for me. Some people have experienced dissociative episodes when they lose a chunk of time after being 'triggered'. This can be very dangerous if they don't recall what happened or aren't able to protect themselves during the episode.

So a trigger can be something as useful as connecting an 'unclaimed memory' to a sound or smell or touch...to setting off a chain of events endangering someone's life. For the most part on our forum though, people are talking about 'mild' triggers that cause a reaction which is can be managed through self-awareness. Being triggered can be liberating and empowering when you recognize your unconscious reactionary patterns! 

People who know me well, recognize when I'm triggered even before I do sometimes. I get silent. Withdraw into myself. It's a pattern I learned as a kid because defiance was a 'sin' so the only way I could protect my integrity (sense of individual self) was to keep my thoughts to myself when I disagreed. When I feel myself 'stiffening', it's a sign that I'm reacting to feeling powerless, wrong, or even 'bad'. Those are kid tapes playing in my head and do not reflect my current reality. I consciously bring myself back to present time and allow myself to experience the joy of my 'difference' by expressing my thoughts.

After paying attention to my 'reactions',  I started out mumbling and ended up delivering entire dissertations. hahaha!!! I am triggered by my difference from others which causes me to react by withdrawing into myself. Sometimes after being 'triggered', I make the conscious choice to disengage from the situation but that is not disempowering like unconscious, reactionary disengagement. To me, we might end up doing that same thing we would have before 'enlightenment' (self-awareness) but it is not from a place of powerlessness. It is a conscious choice, thus empowering.

That's how I view this anyway...I am still subject to being triggered but because of the work I have done 'connecting the dots to my past, triggers are not frightening nor do they lead to automatic, unconscious, self-destructive reactions. This has been a l-o-n-g and scary process. 


Hugs,
CZ

[alatariel]

I've had "depersonalization events", usually when in a stressful situation while speaking to a supervisor in their office, or in a job interview.  I blamed them on a medication I was taking at the time, but I've had them w/o the medication, too.  I wonder if that's a PTSD symptom?

The only thing I ever recognized as a PTSD symptom was after I left dickhead, I woke up several nights convinced that we were having an earthquake, b/c I felt the bed/room shaking.  We do live in an area that has mild earthquakes, but we didn't have one when I thought I felt it.  Eventually that went away, and I haven't had it happen in years.  I also had flashbacks a year after I left, when I had to drive past the safe house I stayed in with the kids at the same time of year. 

But what I thought was a trigger yesterday came from hearing songs that reminded me of good times with the troll, and led to unwelcome thoughts about her and the whole situation.  I had to make myself let go of the thoughts, and let the music play so I could desensitize, and my kids never realized anything was bothering me b/c I was busy doing housework.

[daisyk9292]

I make the conscious choice to disengage from the situation but that is not disempowering like unconscious, reactionary disengagement. To me, we might end up doing that same thing we would have before 'enlightenment' (self-awareness) but it is not from a place of powerlessness. It is a conscious choice, thus empowering.

This isn't exactly the same thing, but I said out loud in therapy today, the hurt feelings or pain I've felt from N's in my life, has changed somewhat. It no longer feels like a personal rejection/abandonment kind of pain. It's still hurts and makes me sad, but it's because they have turned out to be very disappointing to ME as human beings. They tried to turn the tables on that one, oh yes they did, and I believed I was the disappointment or "wrong" one.  But I have finally internalized it to what's real for ME. I still feel the pain but it doesn't carry me away into a deep depression or breakdown.

In fact for my mother I feel a sense of deep sorrow and pity for her. I still can't be around her much anymore. But I forgive her in this way.

The male N - I feel no pity for - He's just a waste of space in my head and pretty much in the world.

[honeybearII]

I have been separated from exNH for almost 8 years, divorced for 11 and remarried for 5 years (this week!!) and I STILL am triggered by things that put me back in a not-very-good place.  I still can't listen to choral music (ex was a choral director and I was a soloist) or even attend church services without getting clenching feelings in my stomach and needing to sort of tune it all out.  It is very distressing on one level because a part of me misses terribly things that were an integral part of my life for 60 years.  On the other hand, I have learned that I cannot change these triggers by WILLING them away so I simply avoid putting myself in situations where it all comes flooding back.

I think many of us find that as we move into the holiday season, whether or not we are in a good place now (and I am!) there is a LOT of baggage attached to former family stuff that centers and centered around the holidays.  It is a kind of grieving for an old life and an acceptance that those were some of the best times in that marriage and with my children.  I have learned to just let it be, grieve if I need to, and move on.
Honey

[tango3]

Well I got triggered today   I've been seeing someone, just friendship at the moment.  I'd been out and he left a message on the machine.  The gist of the message was "you'd better call me back".  I immediately went into panic mode, wondering what awful thing I'd done - literally my mind started racing - what did I say?  what did I do?  OMG I can't remember doing anything horrible.  When I called him back, it turned out that he was just worried that I might have picked up a tick or two from our hike yesterday.  He'd found one on himself and he wanted to make sure that I checked myself thoroughly to make sure I was ok.  Phew..................  Sooooooooooo I think I'm going to have to tell him "ya know, that message you left, threw me into a panic that I'd done something horrible so, can you kind of be careful about the messages you leave?"  Pre-N it wouldn't have bothered me but now..................

[HealingDaughter]

Tango, I'm so sorry you were triggered today. I hope you find some healing in your new relationship with a man who is obviously concerned for your well-being! I bet that's a welcome change.

[alatariel]

Oh, geeze, Tango, sorry to hear that!  I can imagine though, a message like that would have sent me over the edge, too. 

And Honeybear, I don't want to think about the holidays.  At all.  I'm just trying to get through it one day at a time.  I had actually begun to buy xmas gifts for the troll before I walked away from her.  I returned some of them way back in July.  I'm using the rest, a nice set of pyrex mixing bowls.  We were supposed to buy each other this set of bowls.  I knew she'd forget, but I had gotten some when they were on sale to put away... 

[NewWings4MeNow]

alatariel,

When I'm triggered my reaction is nervously physical:  Tightening up my body muscles (girding), cold sweat, flight or flight reaction that I have to rein in, instant desire to not hear a song, not go to a location.  Quick desires to leave a room, give any excuse to "exit, stage right", or to react over-protectively to ensure a series of encounters doesn't happen again. 

As a younger woman I wouldn't have described myself as a "nervous" person at all.  Now that I've had two mated N experiences with men who both threatened to physically hurt me, that's changed my outlook and my body's reactions to situations I perceive as risky to my safety.  Having now felt that "nervous"/hypervigilant physical sensation, I feel like an entirely different woman when I'm out/away/physically separated from those kinds of threats and when I feel calm, peaceful and safe.  Even for just minutes or hours.  It's a 180-degree opposite feeling for me.

Wish I could intellectualize it, but my reactions have become quite physical through the years, requiring more disciplined work on my part to gauge and control them.

NewWings4MeNow

[MoreMyself]

I'm with Honeybear, Christmas is a triggering time.  The rest of the year I'm not easily triggered by anything.  But Christmas was the Hobbit's favourite time of the year. He OWNED Christmas.  And it had to be to his specifications.  Turns out it was the only time of his childhood when the warring families got together and called a truce for a few days, pretending that they were normal.  So the Hobbit grew up to be an adult locked in with a child's perception of Christmas.  There should be presents stacked high under the tree, turkey roasting away in the kitchen, traditional music playing and a table set with sparkling dinnerware.  Even the timing was orchestrated.  He fought for a long time to even allow the boys to have one present to open on Christmas Eve, demanding that we all eat breakfast together then open our presents together. 

And he actually seemed happy, at least until the presents were opened and he had tossed the ones he didn't want to the end of the couch where they would remain until I gathered them up a couple of weeks later and took them to the charity bin.  He walked away from Christmas that fast - even refusing to take the tree down after he'd spent hours putting it up and sitting there starting at the blinking lights with music playing.

So yes, all the Christmas rituals trigger that sadness in me of that pretend/happy time.  My solution is to just not have a traditional Christmas ever again.  No tree, no decorations.  Relaxed modern music playing, whatever food we feel like (we still have a feast, just not a traditional one), and just a handful of presents, carefully selected and not for the sake of volume or cost.  (The Hobbit would actually count the presents and announce who had the most).  I don't hate Christmas.  I just hate how the Hobbit ruined it for me.

[honeybearII]

[So yes, all the Christmas rituals trigger that sadness in me of that pretend/happy time./i]

Yup, and there you have it.  It was always the "pretend/happy time" that is the REAL issue here.  Because so much of the time I was pretty unhappy, the times when things seemed to bubble along and everyone was caught up in "making nice" are the times we interpret as the Good Times.  In reality?  Not so much. 
Honey

[alatariel]

Yeah, that's it.  It's the whole "pretendhappy" thing.  Holidays were always "pretendhappy" with dickhead and troll, and with my FOO, for that matter.  I don't think I've actually been happy about a holiday since I was young enough to believe in Santa.

[Liftedup]

Holidays are very tough for people. The whole Christmas season I find triggering too. So understand where you all are coming from with that. Alatriel depersonalitzation is a PTSD event, I have had those happen but usually when things are peaceful out of the blue and no one knows its happening but me. I can get panic attacks and feel sad upset inside when triggered but have learned to hide the emotions more every year.  Severe panic attacks, I run to bathroom or run home.

[Bruna]

Wow! I usually get riggers around dates, whenever they do or say something that remotely reminds me of N. I didn't know N had been so bad for my mental sanity till I started dating again. Anything that is remotely critical ( like: I would put Cinnamon here ) in the most constructive of ways triggers sheer panic in my mind. I usually go silent, dreading  I am with N again, and I get suddenly sad refusing any physical or verbal contact with the people around me. My bf understands that before i admit it. Another trigger is when he is tired and silent I get afraid he might become like N and give me the silent treatment for weeks, when  in fact my hard working man is simply tired and enjoys spending time with me. I am afraid to be in social situations with bf because N used to ignore me and shame me in public, and that is bad because I enjoy being around people and enjoy my bf. I got socially shy since being with N. Another thing that triggered me was bf scratching his ear, yes scratching his ear!!!! he had raised his hand to do so and my body had reacted as if he was about to slap my face. N did that a few times and I feel ashamed to say that. They say they love you and the next thing you know is half of your face is burning and the shame is even worse... sorry just the fear of encountering another one of that unfortunate species.
Thanks people
Bruna

[alatariel]

Wow, Bruna, dating after having been with an N?  I have to hand it to you for extraordinary bravery! 

[honeybearII]

Bruna, I hear you.  I have been remarried 5 years and still have to fight the reactions I have to even the simplest suggestion that maybe I could do something different.  "It is NOT criticism" has become my mantra.  I was so much on the defensive for 32 years with exNH that it has taken me all of these 5 years to understand that suggestion does NOT equal "do it my way".  It took getting away from Idiot Boy for me to finally realize how incredibly defensive I had become about every little thing.  Thank goodness I am doing better!!
Honey

[daisyk9292]

I have to admit here that a big trigger for me lately has been the Penn State incidents. I didn't think of it as a trigger, but now I am. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad twilight zone episode!! I believe this is what put me back into a dark place yesterday. Seeing and hearing about support for PS and coaches, and none for the victims.

 I can't even call it a scandal because to me it just minimizes what has happened. This is pretty much off topic for the board I suppose, but we're talking about triggers here. This is close to me so I'm dealing with it daily.

I've been minimized by most who know about the N's in my life who abused me. They don't mean to, they just don't get it and I understand.

But THIS? How can you, do you minimize this??? But everywhere around me people are. Have some people evolved in a way that a sensitivity/empathy  gene has been turned off or something?? I mean masses of people?? I can't stand it anymore!!!

I was never physically/sexually abused, I was emotionally/psychologically abused. ABUSE IS ABUSE!!

 So, I am OUTRAGED, at those in power who perpetrated and enabled this to occur for so long. I'm OUTRAGED by those who are  feeling sorry for Joe Paterno because he was fired. Whether it was right or wrong, why wasn't there OUTRAGE about what happened to innocent children?? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH PEOPLE??  I was OUTRAGED, when his son announced JP now has lung cancer, but they want their privacy respected. The timing of the announcement for this man to be the victim instead of the real victims seem like typical N behavior. 

I am OUTRAGED, that even local school districts looked the other way, because Sandusky helped their football team! I am OUTRAGED, at the covering up for those who abuse the innocent.

I've never written or contacted a politician in my life, but for this I've contacted both state senators and congressman asking they fight for a federal criminal investigation of the Penn State and the community at large.

Something here is so out of whack it's truly frightening to me. It seems to me that N's, P's, even child abuse enablers, know how to WIN, know how to get placed on pedestal, know how to cover their tracks, know how to fool the world, know how to manipulate and control. Maybe it isn't so far fetched for another Hitler to occur??

'm seriously thinking the only way to protect my sanity is to move. I'm so tired of all the corruption and the harm it's doing. I don't know if any where else is any better. Maybe I need my own island.

[Legs]

Daisy,

 That was really the thing that sent me over the edge. The administation at the medical school was notified and evidence that his inappropriate behavior at "work" had existed since at least 2005. Originally they planned to terminate him for cause, but then apparently they all got together and he agreed to resign so he could keep his good name and his unblemished record, and the university would not be embarrassed. Sadly for both of them, documents had already passed back and forth between the parties, so our newspaper was able to see those state documents (after asking repeatedly) and investigate the story.

And so............he retired, while still claiming to be innocent and the university just took the "don't say anything and hope it will go away" and it pretty much did. They would rather escape public scrutiny and attempt to sweep that kind of behavior under the rug to save their collective ass. Once again, Lucifer was not held accountable for his actions.


It is really sickening the way he lied in court and broke all sorts of restraining orders and direct orders from two different judges. I had to pay almost 50,000 and never get the records we needed to actually divide the estate..plus he shoved a ton of money out of the country and nothing was done about that either though I had managed to get all the banking information. They just ignored it because it was all in a foreign language~~~ lazy sacks of sh!t.

I am as disgusted with the attorneys, judges, and the medical school administration as I am with Lucifer and in fact, even more so. He is a sick old pervert and I am not excusing his pathetic behavior, but those other people are so called "professionals" and they let the sick old pervert get away with that kind of behavior.

I am going to have to get my own kind of justice if I get any. I hope karma comes back to bite every one of them in the ass and something happens to them or someone they care about and it will change their life profoundly and NOT FOR THE GOOD. I want them all to be betrayed and flocked over or to have to stand by and watch that happened to a beloved child or family member. I want their lives to be as ruined as mine is.

I am just now having my fun with Lucifer...his prostitute is next up on the plate.....I swear I will destroy her as effectively as I possibly can. She played the game and now it's time to wear the shame. And since she obviously has no moral compass, the only thing to do is to notify her friends, family and workplace and let them all see for themselves what she's been doing for years and years.

Yes, yes....I know her kids, husband, friends, family and job have nothing to do with what she did....I just want them to KNOW it. Then if they don't care, they don't care.


Lucifer told me over and over again they neither one did anything wrong, so then there should be nothing wrong with anyone knowing what they did. Since I did not receive any sort of justice i the lega system, then it's time for old-fashioned honesty. I am going to turn the rock over and show everyone possible what happened.

If they don't like it, then maybe they shouldn't have done what they did.


Legs, who wants to take another ride on the Retribution Train.

[BlueSky]

The Penn State stuff is awful.  I does trigger me somewhat.  My brother was abused once a long time ago - we didn't know until years later.  He doesn't talk about it, so I don't know how he's dealt with it or what the entire impact was - but I still feel awful about it.  When I heard about when it happened and where, I was mortified as it was in a public bathroom and my sister and I were waiting (for what seemed like forever at the time) for my brother to come out.  Just absolutely awful.  It makes me sick to my stomach to see people standing up for the people who did nothing after they found out and that there is no concern for the children involved.

Penn State also makes me sick with that awful explanation of "it was just horsing around" - which minimizes what happened and tries to make it seem like something it wasn't.  It all puts me in mind of exN and what he said about the child porn he downloaded - he thought just looking at it wasn't a bad or immoral thing to do, after all, he wasn't the one who abused the child(ren).  Ugh.   

I have had some abusive things happen in the past and I've dealt with triggers and PTSD for years and years.  Sometimes in the past, I'd really get lost in my reactions - I had no idea where it was coming from or why.  Took a long time to figure out the source and to learn how to ground myself when I was getting triggered.  The most recent example was my reaction to hearing a co-worker verbally abuse his wife over the phone.  I did cry and I did get up and leave the room so I could calm down and ground myself.  When I get triggered by something that recalls something related to exN, it is a very physical reaction with a lot of tension and physical pain in some areas of my body.  That is getting better over the years as it is not as intense these days.  I think that people often do not realize I am experiencing this stuff as I am quiet and usually don't say anything.  Though I did let two co-workers know I was triggered by the oaf at work and why it was triggering.  Being able to express that helped me somewhat.

[smp]

I have found for me that suggestive, or overtly sexual images really set me off, especially when they are of younger women. Even watching football - I seem to object to the cheerleaders. I consider myself to be a naturist - an old hippie, and sex has always been considered as a normal, natural human thing. After pigface, I seem to almost feel disgusted by the use of sex as an advertising tool. Actually, I had been know to object to using sex in advertising for many, many years prior to pigface, even refusing to buy what had been advertised.  I know many who did not really understand my feelings when my daughter got a boob job - but to me, it is all a part of what I experienced. I hope in time the feelings will balance out - it is still tough right now.

[JennyWren]

I am finding myself more triggered lately than less....I suppose as I become more aware of all the revolting manipulative wheezes BigBird was programming me with.

I certainly relate to the physical reaction...the overboiling emotions etc.

A smallish incident happened today, whereby I had to have an interview....which was more like an interrogation...about "helping" me back to work. The lady sat smuggly telling me exactly what jobs I should apply for (For which I had NO experience, or qualifications)....she wasn`t listening, and it felt EXACTLY like a conversation with BigBird.

In fact....dear BigBird...after I had been for my first job interview in 14 years...and not got the job....sympathetically squawked that as I hadn`t gotten the job I wanted I should "Go and get one I didn`t want!". This was BEFORE he had his MLC....when he was supposed to be Mr Nice Guy.

I could feel myself being triggered more and more. The Trigger-goblins were grinning their little bazturd heads off and screwing my insides round and round like squeezing water out of socks. I can say exactly how I felt....I wanted to stand up in the middle of the crowded office....dive across the desk Starsky and Hutch style...slam the miserable officious old bag against the wall and shout "Listen to me you old trout...just LISTEN for one minute.....and stop telling me what to think and what to do....because you DON`T KNOW SH1T!!"

So I sat and smiled patiently at her...knowing that the above was not an option in a Government establishment!!....and went home and cried instead.

It`s b*llocks isn`t it? Becoming aware of how much unprogramming you are facing.

So, amongst other things... I guess I can say for sure...people not listening triggers me. I definitely relate to the idea of dates and seasons being triggering too.

[Imogene]

Oh, the jobs thing.  Vastly triggering in all its dimensions.  I am taking this grant writing class, and there are about five other middle-aged women in the class, three of whom are so condescending toward me.  Apparently they see me as a housewife with a mission to bring her little music program to the school.  Yuck.  Then I went and spoke to the teacher, because I do need help, and told her a bit about my story.  She wrote me an email saying how brave I was.  Double yuck.  I mean, I do believe everyone thinks this is a good developing grant, but I'm not used to these objectifications coming into play.  I have to remind myself, constantly, they mean well, they mean well.  Which is hard. . . when you're being triggered.