"he picked it up off the table and threw it into the trash can. Oh did that do it! ....it brought me back to reality my thankfulness that he is gone from my life." ~loved2much
wow. I'd hang on to that memory like a lifesaver when you're drowning in nostalgic seas. Sentimental people R me and so even if it sounds ridiculous, I need bad memories to ground me in reality. Reality is a much better place to be anyway. If I run short on bad memories over the Christmas season loved2much, can I borrow yours? Undercooked turkey-in-garbage-can says so much about living with rat bazturds who ruin every holiday because they can't stand for someone else to be having fun.
Speaking of narcissistic people who cannot bear criticism, my sister threw a stink fit five minutes before we were leaving for my married sister's home where we celebrated Thanksgiving this year. Throwing her hands in the air, she stomped upstairs saying she wasn't gonna go to our sister's home and eat dinner. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Count the second-story stairs by the stomps. Slam bedroom door. Leave family in the kitchen with their mouths hanging open and ruin the fun they'd been having baking goodies and decorating dishes for the family dinner.
However, let me say that 'ruin the family's holiday' was the OLD way. Letting people stomp, slam and pout if they chose is the New Way. Like
I care whether or not she sits at the family dinner table. She's a big girl. She can make her own decisions. I hate to admit how long it has taken for me to Get This. How many decades it has taken for me to allow someone to act like a KingBaby without me feeling compelled to comfort, sooth and babytalk them into 'good behavior'. (My X shattered any peace-keeping illusions I had about myself. You may get short-term compliance from Kingbabies, but you end up with long-term resentment. They'll Get Ya in the end!)
Anyway, when my sister suddenly appeared after we had packed the car for our five-minute drive to my other sister's home, she started giving excuses as to why she had stayed in her room all day. I said, "Don't Even Go There." Because you see, my nephew and i had a blast baking and concocting cranberry sauce. We started early in the morning peeling fresh apples for dessert and worked until 2:00 in the afternoon while watching the Macy Day Parade on television. We had fun. We didn't care if other people joined us or not. But when my sister walked into the room, (perfect make up. Perfect hair. Perfectly accessorized attire) she expected us to criticize her. So she flipped out in a grand way leaving us speechless.
Old Triggers New BehaviorsIn the past, the Old Me would have followed her up the stairs asking what was wrong, how could I help, should we talk, etc. and then I'd have called my other sister to say we'd be an hour late could they hold dinner (see the Drama here?!!!). I would have asked everyone in the family to hold off their hunger
so I could listen to my sister's trubbles, forgive her absence in the kitchen, and re-invite her to join the family because we loved her so, exactly as she was.
My trigger? An Out-of-the-blue Rage Attack. Rage Attacks brings out my Inner Placater. It's not as if I had to hold myself back from reacting to this trigger because it simply wasn't there anymore. This stunned me a little though I have worked very hard on letting people make their own choices without interfering 'for their own good.' ha!
I didn't even miss a beat worrying about my little Princess sister and how she would feel if we all went to Thanksgiving dinner without her. It's not that I was indifferent to her feelings, oh no! I still empathized with how she must be feeling. It's that I respected her right to make her own decisions even if i disagreed. What do I know? It might be best for her to stay home.
However, my nephew went running up the stairs after his mother. (yes, reverse parenting...he wanted to take care of her feelings even though she gave no thought to 'his' feelings when throwing her temper tantrum). He went into her room (I was planning his rescue if I must...I can't change all at once, right?
) He came down the stairs in one minute and said he was ready to leave and his mom said she'd take her own car. He stated, "I told her we were having a great time cooking and she didn't need to give excuses and that you didn't mean anything by your comment." Well yes, triangulation-R-Us but this was an improvement for a kid who has felt responsible for his mother's feelings since he was a baby himself.
We left for the family dinner. My sister/his mother showed up about twenty minutes later and not a word was said about her delay. That is a good thing, too because we used to be so anxious or upset when KingBabys spoiled holiday joy that we shared our misery. I am amazed today really, at the progress we've made.
I knew my trigger though. I've broken that pattern. It has taken a long time. When Kingbabies cry now, I let them change their own diapers and fetch their own bottles. i can't believe my automatic reactions had changed so much that it did not even occur to me to 'sooth' her tantrum.
We can learn new ways. Some of us might take years to spot our triggers, our reactions, and see our patterns...but once we do, we really can change our behavior. I think what is key here is 'introspection'. Being able to observe yourself, a kind of fearlessness about your issues, and a desire to create healthy relationships because you care about your impact on others. The more fragile someone's ego (sense of self), the more difficult it is for them to bear up to the scrutiny of self-observation. I guess that's the positive thing about admitting your weaknesses. Those who can, can. Those who can't, project to self-protect. Their defenses have nothing to do with you.
Hugs,
CZ
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Topic: so, how do you react if you encounter a trigger? (Read 1121 times)
