did your N's criticize the most irrelevant things?

[daisyk9292]

Bravo CZ! I literally feel like standing up here at my kitchen table applauding!! That was an amazing post. I simply loved it!!

But don't get all full of yourself now!!  ;-) 

[JennyWren]

I agree with every word CZ.

BigBird told everyone that I had "never let him" learn to do household tasks. He blamed me....seriously blamed me......that he could not use the washing machine. But it did not occur to him that nobody taught me how to do it either.

This was supposed to be an example of how CONTROLLING I am. To hog the washing machine like that. Poor poor man.

I was a formidably efficient SAHM. Things ran like clockwork. And...as you say....he hated that I could manage. And he turned it round on me as a criticism. When he forgot to pack stuff for himself on holiday...and I had remembered...he did not thank me. Instead he laughed at me for planning a holiday like Norman Schwartzkopf planning to invade Iraq.

I just could not win. If I the house was not gleaming like a diamond dusk til dawn I was lazy. If it was....I had nothing better to do. Nothing was ever good enough. Heaven only knows why I still kept trying. But I did.

But here`s the thing...and the reason I try to stay out of debates about co-dependency. I know I wanted to get stuff right in my marriage...to please my (ridiculous) husband because that is why I got married. I wanted to be a good wife. I was not on some mission to acquire self esteem from his approval. But I was failing at my own goal...to be a good wife. I SOOOoooooooo wanted to be a good wife. Like I want to do well at everything I try. And I kept trying. It was impossible.

For me....if I was in the least bit codependent....I would have wanted to stay in my marriage. Once I understood the dynamic, I couldn`t bail out quick enough. Once I understood about control and emotional abuse...sure...I was willing to help XNH find help...and secretly hope that we could find a way through....but I was not gonna hang on in there just to be with him.

I think marriages to an N can make you seem codependent..because you are forced to take responsibility for a lot of stuff the N doesn`t want to take. You are made responsible for their happiness. But...in my case for sure...that did not come from me. It was lumped on me from a great height. And I was required to take the load.

[Bruna]

Oh yes he did, weren't really small things. it was a wicked game, shallow and cruel, but i had gotten so used to it that i didn't even notice anymore. I am very conscious of the criticism since breaking up, over a year ago. It was only after reading about Nism that I understood his criticism and the purpose it served.
It started with physical criticism, I am not tall and do not have big tits, I know I do not look like a model, I can only say that I am happy the way I am, and men are attracted to me so looks were never my major concern, but thinking that he criticized subtly my appearance kind of hurts me because the intention was to damage my self esteem. I never criticized his looks and let me tell you that i look much better than he does, I am just not shallow enough to point  those things out. When he found out that I wasn't much impressed by his comments he started criticizing the way I dressed, my shoes and so forth and I always wondered why he was so interested in my shoes being too high or something. He criticized my need of being happy by saying that I was too old to be so optimistic. it is not small things they criticize, but the small things that make up each one of us.  I would still ask him : if you disliked so much my little inoffensive quirks, why did you stay? If the way I move annoyed you so much why didn't you just break up? After years of torment I finally fled and he continued to insisted he had always loved me, still loved me would love me forever puke!!!!
Love
Bruna

[alatariel]

Thanx for the great post CZ!!  I need to write

"I did not know about personality disorders."

on a post-it note and stick it to my bathroom mirror, to read every time I criticize myself for ending up with not just one, but two N's in a lifetime.

I would still ask him : if you disliked so much my little inoffensive quirks, why did you stay? If the way I move annoyed you so much why didn't you just break up?

Bruna, I used to ask the troll that. I'd say that it seemed to me that she didn't like anything much about me, so why keep hanging out with me?  She'd answer that she was "only trying to help", it was "constructive criticism" and she did it b/c she "cared", and that there's a "right way" and a "wrong way" to do things and it was her responsibility to point out to ppl when they were doing things the "wrong way" so they could correct it.

Thing is, the "wrong ways" she wanted to correct were all things that are totally a matter of opinion.  It's not as though she was criticizing somebody for failing to stop at a red light!  She was criticizing irrelevant things like how to make yourself a cup of coffee.

[Ball of Sunshine]

That is exactly how I felt. Nothing was ever good enough. There was always something to criticize. Instead of seeing the positive, he would SEARCH out the negative. He was ALWAYS whining and complaining about something or another. I brought the question of "why, if I'm so horrible..." and I would get the same types of responses as the rest of you. Either that or he would tell me I was being so weak and clingy and how unattractive that was.

I'd tell him that "I can't do anything right" and he would tell me that is what his "crazy" ex used to say all the time. Now I'm wondering if she was really that crazy after all...

I was like you Bruna where I never pointed out his flaws. I didn't see a need to. I would have absolutely nothing to gain. I'd try to point THAT out to him and it meant nothing. He didn't have any.   

[JennyWren]

Oh yes.....quite so. Snipe snipe snipe 24-7. And then.....for the cherry on the top of the bun....Bigbird would berate ME for being so very negative and always criticising.

Hoorah. What a total headspin. No wonder I thought I was a complete bazturd by the time he had finished.

URghhhhh....you couldn`t make this stuff up could you. 

[seeingthelight]

 Mette - my exN used to wait until I walked up the stairs which he could hear them creaking as I came up...knowing fully well I had a baby...but never once did he ever get up...once I was in the door with groceries and baby in arms he would say "need any help"

my answer at the end of our relationship was "not any more" lol 

[tango3]

Oh just loved the criticism......NOT.  Let me see, after three pregnancies, and returning to 115 lbs and a size 2 - just not good enough - because after major surgery and two c-sections I had a slight "lip" in my lower abdomen. 

Oh and the cleaning.... right..... I was so bad at cleaning the house he had to clean everything himself because I just didn't do it right (note:  he only did this though, when his FOO was visiting) the rest of the time, I guess I did ok.

[notakennedy]

I'd tell him that "I can't do anything right" and he would tell me that is what his "crazy" ex used to say all the time. Now I'm wondering if she was really that crazy after all...

  ... I often hear him say things to me/about me which he used to say about his XW.  And I have more than a passing, sinking feeling that this is no coincidence. He insists he married two very dependent and insecure women (who no doubt blighted his life and required his constant 'constructive' criticism). I think two very trusting women fell for his N-charm only to be horribly disappointed when he revealed his true self-centred and damaged self.

[alatariel]

Ha!  The troll used to complain all the time about her exH being boring, never wanting to go out, just sitting home watching TV.  Now I know why he was like that!  On the rare occasion that she actually agreed to do something I suggested, she found something to complain about, invited other ppl to go with us to make it clear she didn't want to spend time with just me, or otherwise had to control the situation.  If she invited me to go anywhere, she ignored my existence once we got there and she had other ppl to talk to.  No wonder her ex quit going anywhere with her, and stopped suggesting doing anything together.

[Bruna]

dear Alatariel, dear all
                                 I knew something about Nism, not enough to diagnose my exN. They confuse professionals...just imagine. Hard to spot especially for us people who have a caretaker attitude. And dear jennywren, he accused  me of being too critical also....Absurd!!!! If I ever become like him I want someone to euthanize me!!!!

[JennyWren]

Hey bruna...it occurs that we were framed by the Ns to believe we were like them...they criticised us for all the stuff they can`t face about themselves.

I was told I was "socially inadequate"...that people found me rude...that people didn`t like me.....that I was critical and negative....lazy.....money grabbing....dependent and clingy...blah blah blah.....basically ALL the things he dreaded in seeing in himself.

But the sad thing is.....the mud stuck. And after 2 and a half decades I felt as useless as he meant me to feel. And then he went off with his mad ex-gf.