Yet another personality disordered man....

[confused]

Hi all.

I haven't been around for a while, probably since early spring. After I finally came to some peace over my X who is a Borderline/Narc, and managed to get some space from him, things were actually OK for a while this spring and summer.

Then....it happened again. This man was/is not a BPD/N, but is more a Paranoid Personality Disordered/Narc....

After a couple of months of his relentless flirting and pursuing me, then 4 months of living together, making many many plans, working side-by-side, traveling, laughing, and making love...
the day before yesterday (Tuesday) he packed his stuff, and drove away....

When I first realized that he was packing his stuff, which was Monday night, he denied that it was a big deal. He said he was "streamlining" and I shouldn't be bothered by it.

Now that  he's gone, the situation still seems so unreal, and the shock unbelievable.

[JennyWren]

(((((Confused)))))....SO sorry to read this. How are you coping? In shock I guess?

Streamlining?.....what the heck does that mean? What a shite.

Well...I`m sending you lots of hugs. Sounds as though you had no warning. And I am so sorry you have to deal with this. 

[confused]

Thanks Jenny,

Yep. I am in shock, staggering around in my PJs with a matt of hair protruding from the side of my head. If I cry anymore, I'm guessing I'll be getting some kind of respiratory infection next,

"Stream-lining"... yeah. Interesting term, considering.

This guy is a real piece of work. Just 2 days ago, he was continuing to tell me that I was at the center of the universe, and that I was "the love of [his] life," we were planning our winter travels, and what to do over the holidays. Yesterday morning he sent me an email saying that...well, here's part of it:

"...What I could not adequately convey recently, and what I see so clearly now, is that my, yours...our stress
levels(from several fronts) have reached dangerous levels. Yesterday, what i couldn't quite define and convey,
was a knowing, from the depths, that a state of emergency had been declared.
I know that the seeing of and the movement of my things was troubling and shocking. I know what represents and
means for you, for now. I hope that you may someday sway slighty to see one of my view angles, that stuff and place
are not what is truly essential between us. What is, is mentioned below. It is within, always and in all ways.
There is no need for any "proper goodbyes", or goodbyes of any sort.
What is essentially needed right now is a timeout for a serious stress reduction program, followed by a well
thought out rejuevination program.
 
Please know this...
 
That I Do(in my own, however underdeveloped and misunderstood ways) Love You.
And that I Love and Miss You in laughter and in love...and in trail and .[...]
For me, that is a reality.
That is a live connection, that is not cut.
 
I am in [...] and at the moment, think that I will ride out the rest of the week
 here.
I am going to rest, rest and get some more rest, in these few upcoming days. I hope that you do to,
even if you get out for fun and exercise. Rest while being active.
 
Will talk to you soon if you wish.
Much Love,
..."

[honeybearII]

Okay, that is the biggest bunch of caca I have seen emailed in a looong time.  If it weren't so pathetic it would be funny and save it because SOME DAY you will go back, read that mess, and have a good laugh - I guarantee it!!

In the meantime, thank your lucky stars you didn't invest any more time in this jackdonkey and have a good, deep, cleansing cry.  Spend the weekend grieving, try your DARNDEST to not read any more emails or talk to him or have any contact.  See yourself for the wonderful, loving, generous person you are, and try to absorb that a man who would treat you like this was ALWAYS like this even from the first moments he met you and no matter how wonderful it may have seemed, HE HAS SHOWN YOU EXACTLY WHO HE IS.

Hugs,
Honey

[tango3]

What Honey said and ((((((()))))))

[Proud2B]

(((((((((Confused))))))))))),
I am sooooo sorry to hear of your troubles.  My heart goes out to you....

Honey's words reminds me of one of my favorite quotes that goes like this....

"The first time someone shows you who they are - believe them." - Maya Angelou

And ditto to everything else Honey wrote. 

What bothers me is that he seems to leaving the door open to come back when he talks about his plans for 'this week'.  Does that mean that he might be back next week?  Just something for you to think about, whether he is or isn't....

Take GOOD care of yourself. 

Hugs,
Proud2B 

[daisyk9292]

Confused- So very sorry to hear you're going through this. Hugs to you.  How I wish I had know about this board 4 years ago, when my heart was so broken I LITERALLY believed I may die. But I didn't. There were days I couldn't even get up off the floor.

 Better now than many years of your life wasted on this douchebag.

Proud2B - One of the best quotes EVER. My favorite. Wish I had heard it and internalized it long ago.

[Rosemary]

Confused so sorry to hear of your disordered man" whats streamlining mean !!!!!!!  i dont understand that term .
the world seems to be full of weird men  they all seem to have something mentally wrong with them 

I hope you find comfort in knowing you didnt go too long with him years like i did its not good through whatever timeyou spend with them what a traitor , and just before xmas too .(((hugs )))to you

[MoreMyself]

I once knew a man who did something very similar - she left him, he pursued her, they reconciled, then he kicked her out and bragged he only did it to get his furniture back (which she had taken when she left him the first time).  He was, I believe, a psychopath or a sociopath.

Don't beat yourself up over being pulled in by him. I was just browsing and read CZs post about normal people getting fooled and pulled in by the N.  There is nothing wrong with us.  We are loving, trusting, forgiving people and without these traits the world would be a dark and nasty place.  He used you. I'd like to think there was karma or bad luck for people like him, but if there is, then I haven't personally witnessed it.  All we can do is be thankful when they exit our lives.

[confused]

Oh my. I had forgotten how supportive you guys are! Thank you.

It does lift my mood to read your reactions to his very manipulative, vague, and self-centered email.

Yes. Loads of creeps out there, for sure.

This guy (I'll call him Mr. Paranoid) was soooo obtuse in his communication, I often couldn't figure out WHAT, exactly, he meant a lot of the time. But the "stream-lining" comment was  telling me that, no, he really wasn't moving out but just "organizing" his stuff. Of course this didn't make any sense, as he had already packed everything in one room--all his clothes, and musical stuff, and computers, nick naks...

With that, again, it's really hard to tell just what that email means. I;m sure it's intended to be confusing, and in any case, I believe it's intended to bait me into either hanging-on waiting for him to return, OR keep me thinking about him, or both. (Just THAT makes me sick )

Yes. Now I have a much better idea of who this creep really is,

Thanks all.

[alatariel]

HE's a dirtbag.  YOU'RE a wonderful, caring, genuine person. Don't forget that.  ITA with everything Honey said. 

[tango3]

You couldn't understand what he was saying most of the time????? HUGE RED FLAG (we need that emoticon).  He's an N.  Run...........

[Bruna]

So sorry Confused...
what a scumbag!
I know how bad it feels when you find out you've been fooled, when you finally discover all that came from someone you loved is a LIE. Try not to take it personally, he's a scumbag, he's always been a scumbag and with all probability he will always be one, and that has nothing to do with you. This is not your fault, all you did was trust someone who at some point proved to be a piece of crap with no balls, and at least he showed his true colours early on. You don't know this but dispite the pain you have won a lottery getting rid of him.
Take good care
Love
Bruna

[confused]

Thanks guys.

Tango, communication was just a bigger, more difficult version of that email.

He sounded eloquent, and poetic, part of the time, but then I realized that I didn't know what he really meant, how he really felt, etc. Often there were VERY VERY long pauses when I would ask him a question, and sometimes he never answered at all.

Then, finally, he started REACTING to almost everything I said, in a big way--jumping up, pointing his finger and screaming at me, things like "it's all about YOU!!" "You're so COLD!" "OHHH, so now I'm a [x,y,z]"   

That's why I think he's partly Paranoid. He's super defensive, and angry, and has paranoid ideas about everything, everyone--not just about me and whether I'm trying to do something to him, call him a name, humiliate him, etc.

[Imogene]

Confused!  Missed you around here, but sorry that something like this brings you back.

That email was super crazy. 

"I know that the seeing of and the movement of my things was troubling and shocking."

Troubling and shocking?  What odd words to use, especially shocking.  And notice the extreme passivity of the sentence.  Why not say,

"I know you got upset when you saw I was packing up all my stuff without telling anything about my plans."

"Rest while being active."

It's, like, he is using. . . words.  But no meaning can be derived from them.  I don't have the faintest idea what he is trying to say.

See while being blind.
Move while standing still.
Etc.

This may qualify for worst break up letter ever.  It's abusive in a variety of ways.

Please do not give this jerk a second chance.  I don't know about a diagnosis, but he is very passive aggressive and makes you own feelings that his actions caused without owning the actions in any way.  And I bet he's a really angry person. 

[confused]

OMG, Imogene...

Yes. And, unfortunately, this stye of neutral and indirect communication was only PART of what was going on. (Part of the time, he was overtly abusive, at the oddest, most unpredictable times.)

One of my problems, is that I continually give people...men...the benefit of the doubt, WAY WAY beyond what is appropriate. I did ask him about this odd, neutral way of speaking a while ago. And it precipitated another defensive, verbally violent, outburst.

It really helps me to have my reality confirmed, in this situation. Can you please elaborate on your statement "It's abusive in a variety of ways."?

Thank you

[Imogene]

Well, he is stonewalling.  I mean, the dude packed his things and left.  But he uses a wall of words to disguise that reality.  That's abuse. 

He accuses you of criticizing the quality of his love.  In doing so, he is discounting your feelings (a form of abuse). 

He's also lying, which is abusive in this situation, because the lies are pretty huge.  If he loved you, he would stick around and try to make things work out.  And if he needed to take a break, he would sit down and tell you that rather than packing his stuff and sending that horrific email.

And he seems to be in denial about everything, which is also abusive.

That email actually made me mad.  I dated someone like that in graduate school.  Aggression and cowardice are never good personality traits, especially not when they are together in the same person.

[kindheart]

Hi. That email is totally nonsensical. And have no doubt, he will be back when he has relieved "the dangerous levels of stress" Hello? WTF?? My advice to you would be to block all forms of contact from him.  dont put yourself through the pain of reading another email from him.   You are well rid of him, though I can understand you are emotionally devastated right now.   He is as much use as a hole in a bucket!

When he says "this is not out"....can't quite remember - this is his way of saying "i will be back!"

[JennyWren]

Well confused....Mr Paranoid should start up a pen pal relationship with my XNH "BigBird". He talks the most unbelievable waffle too. It`s like Imogene says....the words are all there....but they DON`T MEAN ANYTHING. Absolutely nothing.

I would find conversations impossible....because I would still be trying to figure out the first sentence when he was way off down the track spewing more moronic prose.

But it SOUNDS so right. BigBird is very charasmatic when he speaks. But when he writes....WTF???

Mr Paranoid sounds very much like he is wanting to "leave doors open" and be welcomed back itot your life if/when it suits him.

For pity`s sake....get a big bolt on your life and some barbed wire....and a Big "No Entry" sign. He is just messed up.

I hope the shock is calming a little. It is like your world is thrown upside down and shaken until every little thing is thrown to the four winds. Time will right your world. And til then.....Hugs!! 

[confused]

Whew. Thanks again....

There are lots of other parts to this story.

One of them is that I met Mr Paranoid through a mutual friend, who (I thought) was dating Mr. Paranoid at the time. When I started getting to know Mr P, I asked him directly, what the nature of their relationship was, and he told me that, yes, they had flirted a little, and he had stayed at her place  last year, but in the spring, when he returned from his latest travels, they had talked and he said he was very clear with her, and told her that he liked her, but was not attracted to her, and that he hoped they would be friends.

Well, mid summer, I realized that she was avoiding us, and told other friends that she didn't want to be at the same gathering if Mr P was going to be there.
At this point, I encouraged Mr P to talk to her, and reaffirm their friendship, which he said he tried, but that she wouldn't talk to him...

Sooo, I phoned her a couple of days ago, when he ran away.

She told me that he had run away LAST fall, to another state, when they had agreed that they may rent a house together (as housemates), and that she didn't hear anything from him for months. THEN, she said, that he hadn't spoken with her about being friends in the spring, and, she'd felt, in fact, that he had continued to flirt with her, and lead her on, leaving her to wonder if they were going to be together at some point in the future.... until she realized that he and I were together  Not surprisingly, she didn't want ANYTHING to do with him, didn't trust him, and said that she thought he was severely damaged, if not mentally ill.

 

[Freezer Burned]

" he denied that it was a big deal"
>At first he doesn't realize there is a problem or denies it.

""...What I could not adequately convey recently, and what I see so clearly now, is that my, yours...our stress
levels(from several fronts) have reached dangerous levels. Yesterday, what i couldn't quite define and convey,
was a knowing, from the depths, that a state of emergency had been declared""
>His subconscious realizes that he is reaching his limit of coping ability, and he acts before being able to explain why. DANGER.

"I did ask him about this odd, neutral way of speaking a while ago. And it precipitated another defensive, verbally violent, outburst."
>He cannot even be questioned about his behavior without becoming enraged. DANGER.

The OW or possibile-OW is the least of your problems. Even if he has not physically cheated, he lacks sensible boundaries, and probably will cheat. Still - OWs are the least of your problems with him.

I know you think you are DONE with him, but he may return with sad lost puppy eyes - DANGER. He's a lost puppy with rabies.

[honeybearII]

It's, like, he is using. . . words.  But no meaning can be derived from them.  I don't have the faintest idea what he is trying to say.

This is a type of Word Salad.  Ns are masters at this kind of thing and they use it because they KNOW they are muddying the waters and miscommunication is a powerful weapon when used deliberately.
Honey

[confused]

Whew. More valuable feedback...

Freezer Burned, when you wrote,
">At first he doesn't realize there is a problem or denies it." do you mean he didn't realize how he felt? Or he didn't realize that I would have a problem with him running off suddenly?

Honeybear, I know you're right about miscommunication being a valuable weapon... it's still so difficult for me to comprehend that he has been deliberately twisting our communication around all this time and not just a poor communicator.

No sight nor sound from Mr P....

I still find the whole thing unbelievable.   

[Freezer Burned]

I think that he doesn't know how he feels, or if he does, then he refuses to deal with it.

[confused]

I've been reading a bit about psychopaths, and am reminded that while P (paranoid) was in his final moments of packing and leaving, how eerily disconnected he seemed to be from me, and my obvious distress. 

In fact, the last day he was here, I remember remarking on how he suddenly seemed like a completely different person...
He did. He looked and felt like a stranger.

Now I'm wondering if he's a psychopath (not that it really matters, I guess)