Yet another personality disordered man....

[JennyWren]

It struck me as very strange when BigBird was in his "I have gone past the tipping point in our relationship...I am going....and nothing will stop me" phase how unemotional he was.

He did some man tears when he told the girls he was leaving...but they were just water on his face....no sobbing or distress...before, during or after. And even in my state of total disorientation....BigBird`s lack of deep genuine emotion of ANY kind was so striking.

When he finally admitted to me he was maybe...possibly...leaving for someone else....my legs gave way....knees buckled...and I was sobbing uncontrollably on the floor. But I will forever have a picture in my mind of BigBird`s face staring down at me...a curious mixture of attentive interest (Which I always liken to a scientist observing a lab rat)...but with a vague and peculiar smile thrown in. Just a hint.

Just not a "normal" reaction from a human watching another human in distress which he had caused.

I don`t know if this behaviour is N-ish or psychopathic or just plain stinking-lousy-inhuman-bazturd...but BigBird did it in spades. No appropriate emotion...and so Confused....I completely understand how this adds to your distress...and is ANOTHER part of the puzzle to take in...at a time when you have more puzzle pieces than hands.

It is disgusting. It is profoundly hurtful....but it is a very big pointer that there is something VERY WRONG INDEED with Mr Paranoid.

[confused]

Jenny,

I'm sorry this happened to you. I can just imagine what that looked like. How awful.

Yes. Something badly wrong with these people, whether they're Ns or Ps or Borderlines or Paranoids or a combo (which I'm guessing mine is...)

I'm trying not to beat myself up for making yet another crummy choice.... I know that will not aid in any kind of recovery....
but a large piece of this for me right now, is that I gave my HEART to this creature, someone who--from all initial appearances--was kind and sweet-tempered and loving, but--again--when the mask slipped, the creature revealed, speaking like a human, and mimicking human emotion, saying,
"I'm not LEAVING!" (you're IMAGINING this!) as it packed up.
"No. I wouldn't lie to you!"
 

[Proud2B]

Confused,
I have to agree with Tango3's comment about your comment that communication was always unclear.  that is a HUGE red flag. 

It sets you up for all kinds of things - inlcuding blame if things don't work out like he wants them to.  Ugh! 

Not to mention keeping you off-balance and guessing in the relationship.  Those are CLASSIC abuse tactics.

Look at his actions, don't listen to his words. 

((((((((hugs))))))))))

Proud2B 

[Rosemary]

Classic yea i agree with the others  better off without this one  ,glad you escaped his grip 
      

[confused]

Proud, Rosemary, thanks....

Yes. The unclear speaking was always a huge red flag. I guess in the beginning I thought of it as his own brand of creative-speak, but as it turns out, it was exactly what you're describing.

He did blame the few ex's that he told me about--that they criticized him, (or chased him as he was trying to escape from them  ). I had the sense that when he described them, that he had been looking for some way to get mad at them... I suspect that he drove them over the edge, and then he could say, "SEE! They [got angry, got involved with someone else, etc.]"

In some ways, he was very clear saying how he felt about me--that he LOVED me more than he had ever loved anyone... but, you're right--in the end, his actions did NOT back that up.

I still have not heard anything from him, so I suspect he will continue to disappear into the distance.

[Proud2B]

Confused,
Do you have a plan for when he reappears? 

He may or may not show back up, but I think it wise to figure out how you might react, and to think about what you might want out of it.  I mean, if he wanted to reconcile, would you?  If he doesn't want to reconcile, how will that make you feel.

It seems to me you are in a position of power.  Take stock of the situation, and prepare. 

Kindly,
Proud2B

[confused]

Thanks, Proud, for the continued input.

No. I don't really have a plan.

I think it's very very unlikely that he will just show-up at my place. He knows about my last X and how I felt about HIM just showing up (and that I thought about calling the sheriff).

And, this guy--although well-educated and smart--is kind of transient. I think he's really more comfortable alone and wandering around without any ties. He really doesn't have a social network here either, so there wouldn't be any reason for him to return anytime soon.

In his email he told me that he was in another town, a couple of hours away (at least he was last week). From what I know about his past, he's more likely to make some big drive around to some other states, visit some people in one of his other lives. I don't think he generally makes a point to reconnect with many people. The other woman that he was flirting and spending time with here in town (last year) told me that he completely disappeared last winter, without a phone call or email or anything.

Otherwise, I guess I don't feel empowered at all... Why do you say that I'm in a position of power?

[Proud2B]

Confused,
You're in a position of power because you can choose!  He may have been the one to physically leave the relationship, but you're no shrinking violet.  You are in control of YOU.  Coming from abusive, N relationships, that is a huge difference of where we were then compared to where we are now. 

Should he decide to reappear (he'd have to have a whole lotta nerve to do that, though.  Honestly, it sounds like he is a spineless rat bazturd and this is just SOP for him), you will know how to deal with him and decide for yourself what your next course of action will be.

The exN used to say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  I hate to admit it, but it's often true.  (I used to argue the point that his model left no room for learning.  It took me a while to realize that he was really talking about himself - HIS behavior has pretty much tracked his past behavior, and he was incapable of learning).  I'm guessing your latest guy is the same.

Kiss his sorry *ss goodbye.  Should he come back around looking for supply, kick what's left of his sorry *ss to the curb.  You have waaaay too much going for you to be hangin' around the likes of men like him.  Grrrrr..........  

Proud2B

[pearlsb4swine]

I've been reading a bit about psychopaths, and am reminded that while P (paranoid) was in his final moments of packing and leaving, how eerily disconnected he seemed to be from me, and my obvious distress. 

Confused, I am so sorry.  You deserve better.

I can relate to that eerie disconnection, once they decide it's over.  The first few days after i discovered my stbxnh's betrayal, I cried and cried.  And he was so totally detached from it.  And he tried to be POLITE.  Like, He came in to the bedroom to ask me something once when I was sobbing hysterically, and stood there and looked at me and said, "Oh, I guess this isn't a good time."  His whole demeanor was just so strange.  Like he was trying to repair his  image by being carefully polite, not seeing that a normal person would have been a little more emotional in the face of my pain.  My friends cried when they saw me.  But not this person who was supposed to love me more than anyone else, who had just broken my heart.

I say you are well rid of that lunatic.  It sounds like he was really ill equipped for an intimate relationship.

[confused]

Proud, you're right. I think it is just SOP for him, based on what he told me about his past relationships and how he seemed to turn away and leave without a second thought. I don't know why I thought things would be different with me, just because he was saying that they were...

Pearls, I'm sorry about what happened to you. I feel for you, and have some sense of how it must have felt. I hope those memories are fading a little.