Hi alatariel,
Not tracking this thread but I wanted to respond and noticed RB's response -- which I could have written word for word it's so parallel.
I realized that XNPH's behavior had become supremely selfish, that he was making me irrelevant, and that his family's treatment of me was getting ever worse. It was an "aha" moment, the fact that I was not like like that, had never been like that and didn't want to spend the rest of my life around people whom I suddenly realized really were like that and with a man who didn't stand up for me no matter the topic. Pile on XNPH's continuing hidden drug use and his admission in those months of his "prior" homosexual encounters, and his total lack of emotional expression of anything except anger and dismissiveness at me, the growing impact of "special male friend" as a strong influence in his life, and his statements that issues that were owned by him individually were suddenly "ours", and I felt as outnumbered and outmaneuvered as I had increasingly through the marriage having no one on "my side" who shared my approach toward life or who could help bolster my Voice.
So I stopped holding back. Acted frustrated when I was, mad when I was, angry when I was. Said what I thought and felt quite bluntly. XNPH had lots of opportunities to effectively communicate like a husband, but he didn't. He escaped to the movie room or his office at night, and when his family was around he'd escape with them.
It was a dam breaking and I didn't have enough fingers to plug all the holes.
During and afterward I felt as both the one who left and the one who'd done the leaving. I felt scared sh*tless of him based on his actions and words, yet was horrified that we'd just destroyed our marriage, one that, just a year prior, folks were still commenting about how we finished each others' sentences.
It was truly a Twilight Zone episode from h*ll. Then. But through time I've seen so many of his malevolent and exploitative behaviors targeting me that I've known if I'd stayed in that marriage in whatever form and behaving in whatever ways he demanded, XNPH would have harmed me physically and psychologically greater/further. Of this I'm certain. I hope this addresses your guilt/responsibility/obligation concern.
Lots of us see-saw back and forth between horrific guilt and relief, loss and gain, dreams dashed versus reality lived. The responsibility for stepping off into that abyss versus throwing ourselves in front of the train to make it work. For me, taking a very detailed inventory of what each of us valued in life, believed in life, each of our favorite pastimes and goals, was revealing to solidify for me that we'd both compromised too far away from our core Selves to have a marriage that could last. There are aspects of XNPH I'd choose again, and aspects I would not.
Hope that any of this helps you.
NewWings4MeNow
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