ANALYZE THIS

[Chime]

had to pull this post for now...

[Never again]

You are too well rid of him, Chime, that's for sure.

Once when my exN was trying to get back together with me and had an apparently introspective and sincere moment, I asked him what he honestly felt I had contributed to the breakdown of our relationship. He said "You had too much personality". That was his explanation for his constant abuse, which in his case was fortunately only ever verbal. I've often wondered since what he would have revealed if I'd thought to ask him "Too much for what?"

There is only one person in a narcissist's world and that must never change. Anyone in his vicinity who acts like a person - you know, existing, have needs and desires and tastes, pursuing goals and pleasures, grooming dogs and parking cars - must be squashed.

Never again

[JennyWren]

I feel like I've been unconscious, and have wakened to find my SELF floating around on a cold dark ocean, and am not sure even the North Star herself  is true... 
truth evades me

Oh Chime....I can guarantee that EVERY single person here knows where you are...and what that`s like. Dear Chime....huge hugs for you. 

It is so upsetting to have your whole world turned upside down and all the pieces shaken out of the big Jigsaw puzzle in our mind that was life. The picture was wrong. We were all squeezing puzzle pieces into all the wrong places to desparately keep our lives feeling OK and normal.

Now...all the pieces are strewn all over the floor. And they have to be put back in place. The right place. So we can see the true image of our lives.


The examples you give have probably niggled away at you.....tugged at your sleeve....and now you need to revisit them...and listen to what they tell you.

One day I parked my car close to the barn door, because I needed to unload some stuff.  He came home and backed his truck into my car.  BANG!  This was MY fault because he shouldn't have to check for another car parked in HIS spot.  I never realized we had an assigned spot – but you can bet I internalized that I had one after that!

Arghhhhh!  That is sooooo N I could wallop him with the barn door. It was an accident N you genius.....caused by YOUR failure to LOOK WHERE YOU ARE BLO*DY WELL GOING. There could have been anything there. If he could not see a CAR....he was NOT LOOKING at all. His fault. He is stupid. End of. Most folks would be a little embarrassed at their error.....and `fess up. Not the N.....it was never the N. But worse....to stop you noticing he is a rubbish driver....he will say it`s your fault. That way...you will be so busy defending yourself...and doing that thing that humans call being upset....you won`t pin the accident on him.

For goodness sake N. Who cares? He would rather abuse his wife than admit to a minor car accident.

I remember him yelling at me that he was “SENSITIVE!”; that I wasn't listening to him; that he wished my rabbits [I am a handspinner, once had angora rabbits and was grooming one at this particular moment] would die.  Though my memories are dusty, I'm pretty sure what he wanted was lunch.

Ns must have a thing about bunny-rabbits. Mine accused me of loving them more than him if I hugged my girls pets. Bunnys are darling and snuggly and soft...and actually YES....I do love them much more. We had a dear old mad one named Hoppy who had a death wish and kept nearly killing himself in the most inventive ways...but in the end he got Myxomatosis...and I nursed him for a week. Daft little thing. My N was livid and told me to have him put down...when the vet had said he was as strong as an ox and might pull through. (He didn`t make it, poor chap)

Clearly rabbits are very threatening to an N. I should have had HIM put down at the vet.

One time I borrowed his truck to get some patio stones to put in my dog kennel.  A dog kennel I put up, with no help from him, so the dogs didn't have to 'bother him'.  Tiles I needed so I could keep my kennel hosed and bleached clean, so the dogs [dogs I keep impeccably well groomed by and large] didn't impose any trace or scent of their existence on his life. [how odd that these things seemed to suddenly bug him - always was and always will be a dog/horse trainer/wildlife rehabilitator.  Never hid myself from him -- he knew exactly who he was so "inextricably INTO"]
When I got home he decided I had overloaded the springs on his truck, so he started throwing my patio tiles has hard as he could onto the driveway – breaking them into pieces.  [I know about such things as springs and overloading vehicles, be they horse trailers, trucks or other!  His springs were in no danger]  I remember begging him to stop, but he wouldn't.  I'll never forget the vacant angry expression on his face.

There is one rule for the N...and a different rule for everyone else. When my first daughter was born...we had a lovely big pram for her with sprung suspension. I was explicitly told NEVER to hang shopping from the handle by the N as it would break it.  So I did not. The N....however DID hang HEAPS of shopping from the handle...and he DID break it. This was not his fault. The springs were faulty.

So...Ns do not like rabbits...and they do not understand the laws of physics regarding springs.

Your Ns breaking of your tiles is...once again...such a pointless N act. He punishes you for borrowing his truck.

If ever I borrowed my Ns precious BMW...he would come and inspect it for dirt and muck as I was not permitted to drive through puddles. What was I supposed to do? Stop?...or inflate the hovercraft facillity?

5 years later, [so much in-between that I am trying to extract...]he decides without any conversation with me, that we're putting in a pool, despite our financial troubles.  A pool?  Seriously?  And then he brings home a boat load (in same van ) of THE SAME patio tiles to put around the pool we can't afford.  DD tells me to dig up the patio tiles around pool and replace the ones that got broken for the kennel.  But I remember the “assigned spot” I'd earned early on, so though I feel validated by her observations, I don't take her wise observations to heart. 

The thing (besides the blatant hypocrisy of his stacking the spring-killing tiles in his truck) that gets me here is the "We must build a pool we can`t afford" thing. An N will do such illogical things and think them perfectly sensible.

I remember him telling me all the time, as if he was training me, that I was too sensitive [WAIT! Isn't that what he was saying about himself when HE he was starving in my kitchen because he wanted his lunch].  That I was too Westchester [a local-ism that's meant to say I am too insulated, out of touch, stuck-up, etc] even though HE is from the same county.  That I am too_________ fill in the blank – I can probably think of an instance when he used it.  Ok – yea! I get it now.  Ahhh!  I am TOO!

And now we have the marvellous N trait of projection. He tells you you are all the things he fears most about himself....and you are required to carry his issues for him. For instance....Ns are always terribly sensitive to critisism...and to tell you it is your issue means he never has to look at himself.

Keep posting Chime. The more you post, the more you remember...the more things will slip into place. The North star will be as reliably still as ever...and your world will reorientate around her.

[Chime]

You are too well rid of him, Chime, that's for sure.

Never again

Thanks Never again!
Really trying to embrace this fact
thank you 
Chime

ps - and good on you for all that personality!!!

[alatariel]

Well, Chime, obviously it was all a plot on your part to completely ruin him.  First to ruin his vehicles by parking behind them and overloading them; to deprive the poor, innocent man of his lunch and then his pool; oh and the final blow was the emotional neglect you heaped on him by loving your rabbits and dogs better than your dear man.  How could you?


/sarcasm


When you read his nonsense all written out the way you did, he does sound just like an overgrown, bratty 6-yr-old.  I'm sure you didn't sign on to be his mother, so you are, indeed, too well rid of him.

[Chime]

Arghhhhh!  That is sooooo N I could wallop him with the barn door.

Yes please!  lol
DDs (who are Buffy fans, where Anya is afraid of bunnies) are hysterically laughing in the kitchen, about the whole bunny analogy.  As it happens, DD1 has an "It could be Bunnies" t-shirt on, which depicts 3 bunnies, the middle of which is holding an axe...  He never found this very funny.  Because, well, at the time he just passed judgement on our inferior sense of humor, but in hindsight, he probably thought it was all directed at him!   [starting to get it - it IS all a bout of HIM...zzzzzz]
AND as fate would have it, they are cooking 'Annie's Mac and Cheese' which - oh my! - has a bunny on the box!
lol!

Chime
ps - myxomytosis!  awful...  sorry he didn't make it.  are you in Australia?  Bunnies!

[Chime]

Well, Chime, obviously it was all a plot on your part to completely ruin him. 
[snip]
How could you?
[snip, snip]

OMG!   
You write just like my dd.  Who upon hearing my belly laughing, left the kitchen and  is now standing over my shoulder:
"Yes, Mom!  Exactly! How could you!  And you didn't even mention the stuff about 'those children'!  Tell them!  THOSE CHILDREN!  They just took ALL your precious time away!  How COULD you spend all that time with anybody but him! You're a MONSTER!" 
Good God I love them! 
thank you God! 
And you have summized practically everything my therapist has thus far articulated... how much do I owe you!? 
ahhh!  this laughter is doing my heart a world of good!
thank you Alatariel!
btw - we're on the second movie in our "Lord of the RIngs-fest" - the scene where Samwise Gamgee is proving, once again, his undyling loyalty and goodness.  OK - right -- that could be any scene...
Samwise might well be the name of my next dog

[RB22]

Chime,

I swear there is a book out there, I got the "you're to westchester"  once or twice in my life.  Funny, I didn't grow up in Westchester, X did. I went to college there and worked there, met X and married in Westchester.  I am not a snob, although I am sort of uppity in an uppity warrior woman sort of way.

Funny thing about your N backing into you.   My X tonight dropped off youngest D. He isn't supposed to park in my driveway.... but he did. Then when he backs out, he hits my recycle bin and busts a wheel off it.  Neighbor is calling him and claiming it to be hers ( I made her one like mine).  We shall see if he does the right thing and fixes it.  Which will win.. his public image (fix it) or his true self (no fix)?

PS... I find Westchester people to be well informed and have thoughtful opinions on many things current events, etc.  My X has an opinion... but it isn't always informed. He shoves it down your throat.

Hugs,

RB

[Chime]

Oh My Goodness RB! 
You're so close to home!  It's comforting to know you get the reference.
sigh...
I can't wait to hear how the recycle bin story ends.  Good lord!
please be sure to keep me posted!
cheers!
Chime

[MoreMyself]

Funny about the car story.  Same thing but with variations happened with the Hobbit and our oldest son.  Oldest son came to visit and parked his car directly behind the Hobbit's side of the garage.  Our son went to the Hobbit and immediately told him he was parked behind him, that if the Hobbit wanted to go out please let him know and he would move the car.  I can confirm this because I overheard it.

You guessed it - five minutes later - BANG!  The Hobbit went out to the garage, got in his car and reversed it straight into our son's car.  Even worse, he had a camera in that car that showed what was behind him.  But of course he went on a rant at our son about it being his fault for parking behind him.  Sometimes you have to laugh at them, which is what our son and I did.

Once when my exN was trying to get back together with me and had an apparently introspective and sincere moment, I asked him what he honestly felt I had contributed to the breakdown of our relationship. He said "You had too much personality".

That's hilarious - too much personality!  I got accused of the opposite, being too introverted and lacking that sparkle that the Hobbit would put on around other people.  I am just myself and myself is a fairly relaxed and laid back person.  The Hobbit is now with a woman who seems possessed of endless opinions and am extrpverted personality, so I guess my replacement is more to his liking.Although there are times I'd like to be a fly on their wall because I just can't see him tolerating somebody standing up to him and holding her own.  Sooner or later he's going to start to fly into rages and the Hobbit raging is a sad and sorry sight, with his little tummy wobbling and his ears bobbing as his face turns red and mean.

[Dandelion]

Dear Chime

It sounds so chaotic and stomachnot-creating to be with that guy - never knowing when he will burst into some tantrum like a 5 year old who wants a lollypop. Your words perfectly descibe the incidents and I get a clear picture of what happened - I can almost see him like a cartoon, pulling at his hair out of frustration of this silly woman who does not know how to read his mind. How devastated he must be if he ever realizes what kind of man he has been.

Hugs and thoughts
Mette

[JennyWren]

ps - myxomytosis!  awful...  sorry he didn't make it.  are you in Australia?  Bunnies!

I am in the UK. Myxomytosis was introduced intentionally into France to control the wild rabbit population as they had been very busy bunnies and the French farmers were not happy with the inevitable holes in their crops.

Sadly it reached the UK from there...and now and then....there is an outbreak.

Now I get the girl`s bunnies vaccinated every year.

My N hated bunnies. And they hated him! Hop used to find his feet incredibly attractive and mate with them every time he came in the room. N used to kick him across the room. Hop liked it rough though...he kept coming back. 

Perhaps there is more to bunnies than we will ever know. Perhaps they really are on our side.  Your daughter`s t-shirt says it all.

[JennyWren]

Dear Chime

It sounds so chaotic and stomachnot-creating to be with that guy - never knowing when he will burst into some tantrum like a 5 year old who wants a lollypop.

And that`s it in a nutshell. You are always aware that the N can blow up over some bizarre little mad thing...which will be considered not only your fault....but as your evil plan to annoy him.

It doesn`t have to happen very often...just enough for you to always...and increasingly....be on edge....walking on eggshells as they say in all the stuff about emotional abuse.

[alatariel]

And that`s it in a nutshell. You are always aware that the N can blow up over some bizarre little mad thing...which will be considered not only your fault....but as your evil plan to annoy him.

It doesn`t have to happen very often...just enough for you to always...and increasingly....be on edge....walking on eggshells as they say in all the stuff about emotional abuse.

Yeah, that!  I used to say that dickhead was always ready to cut off his nose to spite his face.  He would do the stupidest things in a rage, and of course whatever he smashed, threw, or broke would inevitably be something of mine.

Troll, OTOH, seldom went into a rage at an adult, she saved that for her helpless kids.  I saw her get into physical fights with the teenagers more than once over stupid things.  And the little one she would just wallop on the butt.  As for adults, she knew she could slay us with just her mean and nasty words so it wasn't worth wasting a good rage on us.




And, Westchester, really?  You people don't know the first thing about the REAL upstate NY!    The Adirondacks are in my backyard, and the Canadian border is out front.

[Chime]

You guessed it - five minutes later - BANG!   

oh my goodness!
what is UP with that!
it's like they're in the own little world, and the rest of the world should get out of their way

Chime

[Chime]

he will burst into some tantrum like a 5 year old who wants a lollypop. Your words perfectly descibe the incidents and I get a clear picture of what happened - I can almost see him like a cartoon, pulling at his hair out of frustration of this silly woman who does not know how to read his mind.

Mind reading!  Oh my!  You are really on to something here.  Nails it really.  And then when I couldn't -- the silence or disappearing.

How devastated he must be if he ever realizes what kind of man he has been.

I wonder if he ever really can.  But this is one of the things that can draw me into feeling sorry for him.  Trying not to go there

Chime

[Chime]

Hey Alatariel~

Sorry - what's "OTOH?"

Ahhh!  UPSTATE!  Got family in Keesville, Ausable Chasm, Peru and Plattsburgh
Nice and cold up there it is!
I  NY!

Chime

[alatariel]

OTOH= on the other hand

Sorry, I use a lot of txt acronyms, though I'm not as good at it as a teenager.

Plattsburgh is where dickhead's sister is, a good 2 hours away from me, thank all the gods, so that I never have to deal with her directly.  I'm not far outside the "blue line", Adirondack Park is sort of in my backyard.

[Chime]

Wow Alatariel
sounds beautiful!

[SusyP14]

From page 262 of Escape Abuse:

http://www.escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf

Narcissist abuse for the power rush they get from vaunting themselves on others.  It is their strongest support for the grandiose delusions.  They can not get enough of this pain killing drug.  The maximum high of course is absolute power which is absolute control.

Absolute power is the total conquest of another persons will.  Your will, not theirs, controls him or her.  In other words, the victim becomes an executioner of your will, like a hand or a foot of yours.  It is akin to the mythical notion of possession of another by a demonic spirit.

There is but one way to demonstrate absolute power, break a person so utterly that he delivers himself up entirely for you to abuse as to suffer maximum impact for your pleasure. 

For anyone, that you can make offer themselves to be your punching bag, and in a way that maximizes your enjoyment by maximizing their suffering, anyone you have that much control over, you own and you have absolute power over, because that person no longer has a will of their own.

He has been degraded to nothing and ceased to exist as a person.  You possess him.  He is an object that exists for your sake.

Nearly everyone has seen something like the following little scene...

A three-or-four-year-old is with his mother in the grocery store. He points at a candy bar, looking at his mother with the brightest, cutest, most engaging little face you ever saw. Mother is busy and hardly glancing at him as she reads her grocery list and says, "No, you don't---"

She was going to say, "No, you don't need that," but she didn't get half the words out before he erupted into "WAAAAH!!!!"

Everyone in the store jumps, wondering who's killing that kid. In one split-second his face has undergone a startling transfiguration into something grotesque.

But he hasn't got the first "WAAAH!!!" half out yet before his mother, with a quick look around at all the people looking at her, grabs that candy bar and thrusts it into his hand.

WAAAAH--off, mid-WAAAH, and there is that darling little beaming angel-face again, unwrapping his his candy bar.That's what you call a spoiled brat -- a kid who has learned to use temper tantrums to control his parents. The dead giveaway is how instantaneously he switches from one emotional extreme to the other. Real people don't do that in one split second, do they?

He can do that because those emotions are bogus. Faked. He isn't upset when he's screaming, and he isn't happy when he's not. He's just a little actor. He has two masks. One is for positive reinforcement, and the other is for negative reinforcement. He switches from one to the other in the blink of an eye.

Yes! This four-year-old has learned the art of Behavior Modification! It's childsplay, ain't it? His happy face is a carrot to reward you for good behavior, and his mad face is a stick to punish you for bad behavior.

Now notice how similar this is to an adult narcissist's rages. They are exactly the same thing.

Whenever you aren't behaving the way they want, they throw a fit. Like that brat in the grocery store, they don't think they should even have to ask for what they they want. They think you should be so attentive to their desires that you just offer it to them. It would be beneath them to ask for anything. So they throw a "Don't-go-there!" tantrum whenever you aren't playing the part they've assigned to you in the stageplay of their life.

That could be because you are behaving like you deserve respect. Or maybe you are busy and do not have lunch on the table yet. Whatever, the cowboy just herds people by yelling and waving things whenever the cattle in his home get out of line.

His wild act is so obnoxious and menacing that people soon learn how to turn it off. They would rather conform to his specifications than put up with that obnoxious wild act all the time.

Thus he trains them to behave the way he wants them to.

[JennyWren]

Wow Susy...and double WOW!!....Your post has really got me thinking. I`d never thought of it in it`s entirity before..

The N is desperately controlling.....and the N is busily mirroring.

So.....the N is trying to control what he/she mirrors. 

I`m in a big rush....and late....but THAT is absolutely extraordinary. It does your head in. 

The example of the toddler tamtrum is an exact analogy of the N rage....or of ANY of their emotionally controlling devices. I am stuck more and more by memories of the cold calculated way BigBird could carefully observe his prey (ME!  ) in order to use my own emotions against me.

[Chime]

Wow is right SusyP14!
lots and lots to ponder here
especially the "any reply is supply"
 

[alatariel]

They think you should be so attentive to their desires that you just offer it to them. It would be beneath them to ask for anything. So they throw a "Don't-go-there!" tantrum whenever you aren't playing the part they've assigned to you in the stageplay of their life.

That's the troll.  And if I didn't offer up her desire and she actually had to ask, I'd reply that I forgot to read her mind and she'd angrily spit back that it wasn't my job to read her mind.

er, whatnow?  You got snippy with me b/c I wanted to go to Burger King for lunch, and then you tell me it's not my job to read your mind and know you want McDonalds?  If you wanted McDonalds, why didn't you come right out and say that, instead of asking me where I wanted to go and pretending I had a choice?

[Chime]

How devastated he must be if he ever realizes what kind of man he has been.
Hugs and thoughts
Mette

I was thinking about this.
I think every time he tries, or life forces him to take a peek, it freaks him out so badly he conjures new/better defenses and represses with more vigilance.  Therapy made him a craftier jerk.  After exposing his lies, he seemed to have an authentic "I have brought this all on myself" response that lasted - what? a day or two?  Pondering what kind of human he's been seems to make him more base. 

[Chime]

http://www.escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf

Oh my goodness!  Just had a chance to check the link -- you've sent me a huge trove of stuff to ponder
THANKS SusyP14!!   

pg. 430+  woe