Did you really trust the N in your life?

[overwhelmed]

As I look back, I realize the struggles between N and I, got bigger and bigger, more and more often and bled into every part of our relationship.  I believe this happened as my trust faded more and more.  Looking back, I don't know I ever truly trusted him.  I think it was just easier to discount or ignore the off feeling in my stomach that would come about at times.  Sooner or later, those times would come and I couldn't ignore it or discount it.  That questioning of it, the looking at it is where the undeniable struggles began....and inch by inch, it bled into every aspect of our relationship.  It was exhausting, trying to figure out what was real vs not real, which parts were true and which parts weren't.  Even trying to shut up my gut instinct was exhausting.  Towards the end of our relationship (last two years or so), I hardly believed anything he said yet, the things he said to me could still feel good and things he accused me of or said during a rage, still felt really really bad.  Then there was the doubt....because don't think I didn't question him about my doubts of his honesty and of course, that man hasn't ever been wrong or lied....it seemed really confusing.  Sometimes, it still can, if I think to much about it.

Do you know what one of the most shocking things was?  I remember just how it stung....but, it was the day I knew what poison he was, just dark, pitless potion.  Its the day I heard all the things N would say about me, behind my back, to other people....his mom, ex wife, a friend or two of his, etc...It may sound odd.  After his violent outbursts, rage, blame, accusations, regularly being defined by him, his cheating that he'd never admit to, drunkenness and on and on....for some reason, this was the thing that made the cake.  It took away the last string of trust I had to hold onto and burned it.  It's odd because it isn't like he didn't, in the fits of his blame or rage, say terrible things to my face.  I think it disturbed me so because of the fact that it had been going on for years and in those years, up until the very end, he could speak that way about me behind my back to others and come home business as usual.  I'd have never guessed a person could speak behind the person they are withs back that way and that I'd not know it.  Not only that, to talk about me that way to others but then, come home and tell me how he'd die without me.  It was deeply disturbing to me.  It also was terribly humiliating for me and so many other things.

Looking back, do you guys think you really ever trusted the N in your life?  I really don't know I ever had denial so deep that I "had no idea."  For sure, I had no idea anyone like an N existed and fathered my children.  I had no idea about lots of things, that his lies could be so deep and far...but trust him, truly trust him?  I don't think I truly ever did.

[JennyWren]

I have to stick my dopey hand high in the air and say "Yep...I would have trusted BigBird with my life".

He was soooo fantastic at mirroring. It was effortless and perfect. I needed a trustworthy honest wholesome partner...and BigBird pulled off a master performance.

In fact....I think his whole life was this performance..before he met me. And my naive trusting honesty just made the ideal supporting actress for BigBird`s role as leading man.

That`s how I think he saw it...subconsciously or otherwise.

I never had any reason to doubt his honesty...right up to the moment he came to confess he had been having an emotional affair over the internet with his ex-gf. I was actually blown away. But he played that pretty cannily too....lots of tears and contrite explanations of how it was all MY fault. But that was the moment the gate opened on the slippery slope....the mask had slipped on the magnificent actor.

Looking back...he even said....and repeated endlessly...that he couldn`t stand the thought that this one TINY incident would tarnish his unblemished record of perfection. He KEPT reminding me how very perfect he had been up til then. And why was I making such a fuss.

No...I did not ever suspect him of dishonesty. And when it became clear he was untrustworthy...I think that started the clock ticking on the big fat marriage time bomb.

What I DID know from the beginning was his insecurity. I knew his family were strange beyond words...but of course NPD was not even on my radar. I knew they were odd....cold and arrogant unfeeling stones whose presence compelled me to run away....Sometimes I felt this in BigBird....but he would assure me I was just imagining echoes of what he KNEW I couldn`t bear in his NFOO. I was seeing things he said. Like mirages.

Looking back...it is so obvious. I could beat myself up endlessly for being so stupid. My only defense is that BigBird had spent a lifetime perfecting his act. And his own brother and Dad were taken in too.

It makes me wonder very often if I have just made it all up. But BigBird has whipped his mask right off at his brother and Dad too. Plus the girls have a very definite vision of him.

So...yes....sadly....I actually did trust him. Different shades of N will persue different goals with their false self I am sure. But BigBird`s was very much to be the trustworthy Mr Nice Guy. And hats off to the little sh!t...he did a breathtaking job.

[alatariel]

I trusted both of them, until I found out that I couldn't.  But it wasn't as big of an issue as it should have been, b/c I was used to that.  I saw that other ppl could trust them, so as long as they were only lying/being unreliable to me, what's the big deal?  I figured I could handle it.

The problem got too big to handle when dickhead's lying began to affect the kids.  When I couldn't trust him not to be too drunk to watch his own kids, that was unacceptable.

With troll, that whole disconnect between words and actions became severe enough that I couldn't ignore it any more.  That was coupled with the fact that she totally treated my kids and I like crap. She got really cocky about using me so obviously that even I caught on.

[overwhelmed]

Don't get me wrong, there were lots of things I believed.  Even bad things, like when N claimed he'd kill himself those times he sensed my starting to wonder about his honesty, if I were too quiet about it, I believed him.  I believed he really loved me for a long, long time.  But, those nights where he'd say he'd be home by 8 and not show up until 4...did I believe his "story."  No, I never did.  Did I ever believe he didn't cheat on me?  No, I didn't.  And the last part of our relationship, I questioned more and more things.

One thing I struggled with the entire time, was during his rages, especially the ones he'd have after coming home late where he seemed to come home angry....as if he had to be angrier than he felt I may be(I think that's what he was doing now looking back) the names he'd call me, the things he would say, always confuse me.  I thought of all the people in my life that I loved.  FRiends, family and on down and not once in my life have I said near what he could say to me. I never understood how anyone could say the kinds of things he could, to someone they say they love more than "anything in the entire world."  REgardless of how mad I've ever been, I've never said or even thought to say, the kinds of things he did.  It was terribly confusing.

[alatariel]

especially the ones he'd have after coming home late where he seemed to come home angry....as if he had to be angrier than he felt I may be(I think that's what he was doing now looking back)

Ya' know, I think it's ingrained in every N that the best defense is a good offense.  Troll was certainly always ready to attack any time I questioned her about anything, and dickhead was seldom angry except when someone questioned his integrity...

Me: (slightly miffed) It's 8:00.  You got done work at 5, where were you? 
Him: (very angrily) Well, I see you haven't done anything except sit around on the computer all day.
Me: What? 
Him: (viciously) You know what I mean.  I'm not going to discuss this any more b/c I can see it won't do any good.

[overwhelmed]

The good old turn around followed with the discussion shut down.  Mine used to avoid answering a question directly the exact same way, all the time.  If I pointed out an inconsistent thing he said he'd respond with his famous line of "thats not entirely accurate but I'm not doing to discuss it any further because of your negative attitude."

[Never again]

Did I really trust him?

Yes - No - Yes - No - Yes - No - Yes - No - Yes - No - Yes - No ........

Ad infinitum.

I wanted to trust him, so after every incident where he demonstrated that there was something very off, I would still go back to my status quo of believing he was basically a good guy.

And then I would get another whammy.

I've just remembered a big one .. There was a story in the newspaper about a woman who had been abandoned on top of a high mountain by her climbing companions ... and subsequently died. He asked me what I would do in similar circumstances, and then before I got a chance to answer said "I'd leave *you* of course, it's every man for himself in those situations".

Fortunately I never got to find out if he really would have. I did see him abandon his own dog in a mountain storm once. I walked back up to find the dog and the Gobi Shiite eventually followed me.

[Imogene]

Yes, I trusted him.  This was a sore point for me, because every time I had an issue with him, he told me that the problem was I didn't trust him.  But I did trust him.  I shouldn't have.

[overwhelmed]

Imogene, I heard that as well...or that I had no faith in him or didn't believe in him followed with the comparison of how he did believe in me. He'd give examples of things making it appear he had struggles with me at times but chose to believe in me....you know, cuz he's better. I just realized he was comparing apples to oranges.

[Legs]

Yes. For 30 years. An then I didn't. Not really ever again. All in one second I realized it was not what I had thought it was..that he was not what I thought he was....I spent a lot of time trying to disbelieve myself and trying to "figure out" what was real, but really...that day when I first saw those online dating profiles with his PICTURE on the screen, I think I knew then it was over. In my head. It took my heart longer and the damn thing is still not where I'd like it to be. Am thinking my heart is broken and it cannot ever be fixed. I'm going to have to just live with the pathetic piece of chit forever because I'm not getting a new one at my age.



Legs

[Liftedup]

I don't think I have ever trusted anyone 100%, too bad of a childhood and a previous career where I saw some of the  worse things humanity had to offer, [residential counselor working with violent diagnosed sociopathic youth in the ghetto]

That said, I do not trust mine. I worry about things wives should not be worrying about. Like being abandoned to the nursing home. The whole endless financial problems thing, has eroded my trust, and maybe it isn't even his fault, but I am tired. I think in 2008 when he didn't fight to keep job here and keep us afloat, that is when I knew I was not being supported, and that in the ways that counted that I was truly on my own. I was in the N fog, but this kind of knocked me off my tethers when the fog lifted. I have not had to contend with cheating at least, well as far as I know of.

I can tell he isn't putting much energy at all into the relationship, if only I wasn't so otherwise alone.  He has withdrawn more from me.  He sleeps all the time and keeps his own schedule. Perhaps in some ways this is an advantage. I have spent most of the weekend alone. Lately, I do not feel like calling my long distance friends, which is unusual for me, feel kind of withdrawn into myself. I have two local friends here, but I do not know them enough, to get into deep deep stuff. I tested with one very gently and decided not to go there when it seemed I was upsetting her. The outside people see us as happily married. Not everything is bad. He does help me and we can have interesting intellectual conversations but people do not realize how things really are for me emotionally. I can't even really explain it.

 More and more I view him as the necessary roommate who does help with me with some caretaking tasks and with half the bills. Maybe he sees me the same way. I do care about him, but who can even explain this pain to someone who doesn't know how this personality disorder works, even for a person who is not a super-malignant N, but just so self focused, you feel like you barely exist around them.

 I guess its better to have someone help you then not. But we have not been swimming the same way for years. I know my life goals, viewpoints etc, do not match his.

 Some of his company is enjoyable, but I do not feel connected to him.. Everything revolves around him. I feel like merely a prop and while I still cook etc, I sort of live my own retreated life around him.

 . I worry with even the bankruptcy if I can't pull it off, the outsiders seem to always be punishing me too. I am planning to call Legal Aid tommorow and ask again citing looming homelessness and having transporation taken away being a disabled person. I am going to tell them this is a matter of keeping me off streets and able to function.

I do not trust my family either, they lie, they lie openly to each other in front of me and talk badly about each other. I know everyone talks about other people even me but I am talking the whole put someone down on purpose sort of thing where everything is about domination and competition and "winning".

Just lately I wish I had more people I could be "me" around. That is getting very lonely you know?

[overwhelmed]

You know legs. I've thought about that a lot. My heart or my head. I think, at least for me, the "whats real" or how could it be or just plain, really?...is my mind struggling to not believe my heart. Not the other way around. The times i got this feeling in my stomach, I think it was my heart knowing and my mind fought it. It's strange how the mind fights what the heart already knows.  So legs, maybe its your mind and although you don't get a new one, I think your mind is great and. The good news is, your heart is good too.....maybe youre mind will at some point, let it feel for someone new in the future  

[Liftedup]

Ya' know, I think it's ingrained in every N that the best defense is a good offense.  Troll was certainly always ready to attack any time I questioned her about anything, and dickhead was seldom angry except when someone questioned his integrity...

Me: (slightly miffed) It's 8:00.  You got done work at 5, where were you? 
Him: (very angrily) Well, I see you haven't done anything except sit around on the computer all day.
Me: What? 
Him: (viciously) You know what I mean.  I'm not going to discuss this any more b/c I can see it won't do any good.

Sorry for those here who have faced cheating and endless insults and mores.

Cheating for me is a boundary in the sand, if I ever had that happen, I would be done. In my case, mine is extremely introverted so the chances are less likely but the pain there I know probably has to be indescribable.

With the challenging them, mine is perfectly peaceful as long as you agree with him too. I gave up challenging him because I didn't want to deal with the fall out. If it is something I can't give up on, I stand up for self, but most of time I do not bother anymore. I know I will not get any response and it will just be more trouble for me.

Mine like yours alatriel, is starting to do the "you don't do enough around here game" Sorry you are getting these criticisms. Everything that happens around here that is bad, is always my fault as well. I feel like he has constant endless expectations of me while fulfilling none of his own. He was even out last night til 1;30 am. He comes and goes. There is no real shared meals or anything anymore. No daily plans unless you like watching someone sleep. The lack of a family and uninvolved partner is a very lonely life. 

[Liftedup]

[

I've just remembered a big one .. There was a story in the newspaper about a woman who had been abandoned on top of a high mountain by her climbing companions ... and subsequently died. He asked me what I would do in similar circumstances, and then before I got a chance to answer said "I'd leave *you* of course, it's every man for himself in those situations".

Wow that is pretty bad if he abandoned his own dog.

I will regret leaving my old town for the rest of my life, I pray for money to make things right and "to go back" or even manage to  find an actual life here, but sometimes I fear I will always remain an outsider on the peripheral of other people's lives.

I almost died in a snowstorm following a psychopathic narcissist in female form. [new friend I went on out of state trip with to go "job-hunting". She turned out to be an alcoholic who didn't really know the people she had us show up on the door-step of. I told her "Turn Around, Turn Around, and then I saved our lives, telling her I would punch her out if she didn't turn off on an exit that was the last one for 50 miles in the middle of one of that state's worse blizzards.

I should have let that serve as a lesson. I didnt listen to my mind, I had good credit cards on me, tht said, Ok she has the car but leave her and find a bus or train to go home after staying put a few days. One thing with the N, I always travel with 20 bucks on me, for cabs to get out of the car or situation if I need to. What does that tell you? The money is higher for any out of town trips.

Even now I am facing facts the N husband may want to go live with his sister, the sister who ruined a job opportunity of his, the sister who has ignored my disabilities moving into a condo with the bedrooms two flights up, now saying "Come Live with me, let's join households!"  She lives in giant metro city, I know I could not handle mentally or emotionally--this is related to extreme PTSD from living in the ghetto of another huge city and seeing immense crimes there. When the bottom fell out years ago, I was willing to do this, but she turned me down.

 I love small towns and miss my old home. This town if I had more friends could be tolerable too. She wants to use us for rent money to go to medical school. I told the N earlier on, I can't live in a place with stairs, but neither of them care. I have decided I am NOT going to go or follow him there. I think she knows what she is doing, [renting a condo with a lay-out she knows I could not handle]

I have already decided if he goes, I am not following and have told him this. He is losing more work, they are cutting jobs right and left. My mind is saying STAY AWAY, TWO against one, is a BAD IDEA. I do not know if she is N but she is definitely NOT normal either.

[tango3]

Trust is a strange word and it's multi-facetted.  What I have realized is that I NEVER trusted Toad.  I've met someone new, he's the very outdoors type and does lots of things that I've never tried but I have complete trust in his ability and desire to keep me "safe".  I can honestly say I never had that feeling with Toad - I never wanted to do anything "unsafe" with Toad because deep in my subconscious was the feeling that, if something "bad" happened to me, he wouldn't be there to help me out, that my safety wasn't his primary concern. 

The first time I went out with this new guy we went kayaking, something I'd never done before, and if Toad had wanted me to go I'd have run for the hills, because deep down I knew that he wouldn't have taken care of me if something had gone wrong.  Whilst on the surface I thought I trusted Toad, I now know, that deep in my subconscious was a feeling that he couldn't be trusted, not ever, and if you don't have trust in a relationship, then you don't have a relationship.

[Never again]

That said, I do not trust mine. I worry about things wives should not be worrying about. Like being abandoned to the nursing home. The whole endless financial problems thing, has eroded my trust, and maybe it isn't even his fault, but I am tired. I think in 2008 when he didn't fight to keep job here and keep us afloat, that is when I knew I was not being supported, and that in the ways that counted that I was truly on my own.

That sounds very like my ex situation, Liftedup. Fortunately my health was good and we were (just about) surviving financially, but at a certain point - after that "Of course I would leave you to die, duh!" statement and a few other similar things - I realised that I absolutely wouldn't be able to count on him if I did ever become ill (I'm hitting 50 ..) and also that I couldn't ever count on him to pull his weight financially or do his fair share in the relationship in any way, come to think of it!

It's like you think you're a member of a team, but actually you're the only one on the team!

And yes, it's a very lonely existence.

On my own now, I do get lonely sometimes, but at least I'm not expecting anything anymore from a black hole of selfishness who not only is not doing anything to maintain the relationship, but is also sucking energy out of me daily -  when he needs me - or stomping all over me - when he doesn't.

So which do I prefer? The sometimes loneliness and semi-depression as I heal, or the tears and pain and drama and frustration?

Hm, I can't actually answer that right now. I do still miss the second option at times ...

Anyway, I'm reading you Liftedup and thinking of you.
Never again

[Liftedup]

That sounds very like my ex situation, Liftedup. Fortunately my health was good and we were (just about) surviving financially, but at a certain point - after that "Of course I would leave you to die, duh!" statement and a few other similar things - I realised that I absolutely wouldn't be able to count on him if I did ever become ill (I'm hitting 50 ..) and also that I couldn't ever count on him to pull his weight financially or do his fair share in the relationship in any way, come to think of it!

Sorry you faced that NeverAgain, for me it happened when we moved here for him to have a good job after 18 months of unemployment that had spiraled me into great debts [he lost his credit earlier] begging him to do anything to keep what was a decent 9-5 job, He even was dressing way down. I still wonder if he "lost" it on purpose but still wonder about that. I was the majority earner for another year and half on a disbility check, more debt, which is very scary. We almost had to part ways over economics, but if you can barely eat while together [and that is true now, though its a little better and he matches my income] how do you expect to survive? I felt like he was perpetually staying young too, and seemed resentful about having to work in general. I understood he was even burnt out but he hadn't worked in months. It is troubling to watch even a friend of his who is still employed [same area of work] at a place he used to work 12 years ago. There just has never been any stability and now I do not expect it. That takes away trust over time. I even tried to help him get on disability, actually would make things more stable, and he failed in that, told psychotherapist I feel find, when he went around barely changing his clothes and other stuff. So yeah my trust is in the toilet.

Man you nailed it, it is like you are the only member of a team but only one. How about forced to be on a team where you are expected to solve all the problems. I have kind of checked out because I got tired of solving problems but the abuse of the outsiders, has never relented.

He has no get up and go either. He sees normal adult tasks as personal insults. He DOES help me like with errands and laundry, those two things no problem but cleaning he could care less.

It is lonely yeah. I hope you are doing ok now being on your own. I guess mine isn't really sucking energy out of me like he once did, but I remember that time, where I said "I am not going to solve your problems anymore", I can't. And I went kind of passive. That is how I am now. I maybe border irresponsiblity saying, I can't solve it, leave me alone. But I am so so tired of living life on the edge, and considering my past in poverty I know how bad it can get, it is all very triggering. Add to that the family that could care less, they throw me a few crumbs to keep me away from them but outside of that, nothing.

I am glad you were able to leave, I believe if I had been smarter earlier, I may have been able to successfully leave in old town where there were more social supports but even there it probably would have been difficult, lack of money always played a huge huge role. I understand what you mean about the two options. I fear total aloneness. In my case though being alone, doesn't mean just the hardship of spending hours a lone or staring at walls by myself, but The Medicare nursing home or group home well if a social worker takes any mercy and that was in definitely short supply back in 2008. Some social workers told me even if I was "safe" that it was better off staying due to my extreme poverty. Of course I know one day he could leave. I am not naive, and I guess that is where the TRUST is GONE, you know they will look out for themselves first and not for you, that is what it comes down to.

I try to keep doing things to attempt some independent life but its hard. Where is everyone else?

Thanks for thinking of me Im thinking of you too.

[Rosie]

I did trust him, but I see now that only added to the problem. He traveled a lot for business, and even when he was in town, he went out a lot of nights with clients or his team. He'd tell me about what he was doing - often calling me from the restaurant/bar to either say goodnight to our son or just to touch base. Much much later I found out some of those places were strip clubs (I'd told him I thought it was disgusting and disrespectful and he said he wouldn't go) and sometimes dinners with female co-workers or ex-girlfriends, but still I trusted him. I think in an effort to get my attention he ramped up the behavior - like a misbehaving kid.

For a long time I thought if only I had complained more or been more demanding...but I think that would have added to his enjoyment in "getting away with something".

I see now he never was trustworthy.

[Rosemary]

I dont trust anyone easy coming from an NM  .

I thought NH was ok at the beginning ,and he was still ok until we had the 2nd child and that seemed to tip  him into panic mode .He ran off for the first time when the baby was about 6mnths old .

After this he slowly eroded my trust very very slowly ,until i didnt trust anything he said at all .

Hes a complete nutter ,when i was out with him he would tell people big lies to impress them .I was always on edge wondering what he was saying to people .

He was in and out of work and in big debt .He didnt care about his debts and lied to them also .
he lives in Disney Land .completely irresponsible  of anything thats going on around  him .I had to pick up the peices
and sort out the messes he made and left behind .

glad im on my own now ,much more peaceful ,and onlymyself to  sort out  No i didnt trust him, and still dont trust him at all.HES MAD ~~~

[notakennedy]

I think I did, at the very beginning. Perhaps I was completely naive but then I had no reason not to trust him (I thought).  However if you look even at the way we came together in the first instance, I had EVERY reason not to but managed to talk myself out of them.  For example, when we first me in a very superficial circumstance as my ex-husband and I were looking for a new car and NH just happened to be a local used car salesperson (yeah, I know, that should have been the first indicator LOL), NH apparently checked me out (although he was very married) and bookmarked me as 'potential' - not that he actually says this outright.  Upon meeting again 2 years later when I was separated, but he was still married, he spun me such a line of b-shite about his disappointing marriage etc etc, which I BELIEVED.  That convincing was he!  And that trusting was I.

I told him I was not interested in a relationship with an attached person and guess what, he quickly disengaged himself from his marriage (it had only been a matter of time said he, or was that he needed to set up a sufficiently promising source of supply?).  And of course it all went from there.

5 years or so later when his charming behaviour and apparent soulmateness with me started to come undone, and the mask lifted, I really began to examine things.  That's when I (suddenly?) realised I could not trust him and that over time the little white lies and avoidances and flying into a rage when questioned all added up to the same thing. And then again when I uncovered the 'friendship' he had begun with a work colleague.  Somehow I had missed his inclination to fly so far under the radar.

I know that he is so practised at deception that he probably can't tell where the truth stops and the lie begins, and that he has convinced himself that he is above reproach.  A medium (clairvoyant) that I had a reading with recently told me that he is completely unprepared to look at himself and take responsibility whatsoever, and that if I choose to stay with him, all I can expect is more of the same, with him becoming increasingly disgruntled and blameful of those who has 'ruined his life'.
She encouraged me to spend less time worrying about what he was doing and saying, and more on building up my own strength so that I could make a good and clear decision about the direction my life should take.

Oh but I so wonder what on earth I was thinking and why it did not leap out at me right from the beginning that he was not honest. Now here's a thing - not long after meeting him, I took him to meet my mother and grandmother.  I understand they were less than impressed generally and found him to be boring, with little opinion of his own - but Nanna said "he's not to be trusted".  I of course, refused to even contemplate that this lovely man who was so in love with me could possibly be so .........

[pearlsb4swine]

I trusted my xnh completely on a conscious level, but I think on an unconscious level I had my doubts.  There were a few glimpses of him with the mask slipping that I tried to discount to myself.  When I finally caught him it was by looking at his email, something I simply never did, even though we shared a laptop.  He mentioned an email sent to him by my his sister in law that was in follow up to a conversation we had had.  And I opened his email to look at it, and the rest is history.

I think I knew on some level that something was up,  because it was such an unusual thing for me to do.  Maybe I got a nudge from an angel on  Heaven's anti-narcissism task force.  Because I certainly thought I trusted him.  After all we had been through and 30 years of marriage, I thought I was safe with him.

[Chime]

yea, I guess I trusted him
I guess I trust too easily
and need to make more certain that it's earned...

[Legs]

Dear Pearls,

 Aren't they stupid? Or do you just think they like the thrill of trying to slip the infidelity right past you on the same computer...or do they think they'll be able to weasel out of it or do they think they are so wonderful, that even if you DO find out, you will let it go? What *is* it?????

 Lucifer used one of the screen names on MY email account,....I always had the master password, but it never occured to me to look at his personal email. I never did have to do that. I found adult dating site cookies on MY COMPUTER (his was in the shop) and from there, found his profiles online WITH HIS PHOTOS....Later found stuff on my external drive he'd backed up before his computer went into the shop................

The thing is, he'd done it for YEARS and gotten away with it completely....it was almost like he had to up the ante to get his secret thrill from pulling the wool over my eyes.....I sure he's enjoying those fruits right now. I just emailed his Filippina Married Prostitute's workplace today asking for the name of the supervisor and also the military liasion that operates betweeen her place of business and the air base. I hope it goes straight into her mailbox. I haven't mentioned her name yet, but that 'ho is going down like the cheap sl*t she is.


I love dragging her into the whole thing..her White Knight is not going to be able to help her with this one..........plus she'll find out now what a dumbass he is and how he lied to her. I am only doing it because I believe in his twisted way, he genuinely cares for her. I want her all over his saggy old butt and if she loses her job or her marriage over her behavior and stupidity, then all the better.



Legs, Vengeful Mean Girl
 

[MoreMyself]

When I finally caught him it was by looking at his email, something I simply never did, even though we shared a laptop.

The Hobbit also did stupid things to break my trust, like leaving out his toiletry kit after travel, with a newly purchased (overseas) package of condoms in it.  Are they testing our trust?  Do they want out of the relationship so they keep pushing the boundaries until we end it?  In the Hobbit's case I still don't know.

Trust is an odd word.  I used to trust a lot more but age has worn out my ability to trust.  I no longer trust anyone I have recently met and find myself musing over conversations with new people after the fact, mentally challenging the truth of what they said.  I trust only a few old and good friends. 

What I thought was trust for the Hobbit was gullibility.  I was eager to be in a relationship, lonely, in a new city.  He bowled me over with his friendliness and what seemed like boundless energy and enthusiasm for life.  It was all an act of course.  He needed supply, not a companion or lover because he too had just moved.  The worst trust that he destroyed was my trust that he would be a good father.  After our first son was born it was obvious he never bonded with him and thought he was too small and geeky (well duh, the Hobbit is miniature - where did he think the genes came from?)

He wanted another child and again I trusted.  After numerous conversations I thought he understood that if we had a second child he would be more hands-on and involved.  At the age of 39 I had a difficult C-section with a slow recovery.  Three weeks after coming home when I was barely on my feet he hit me with the bombshell that destroyed my trust in him forever.  He announced that he was leaving within days for a 3 week stay in Japan.  It wasn't work, it was a vacation.  He had been planning it throughout the last months of my pregnancy.  He was adamant that he needed a vacation because he hadn't been anywhere for a while (as if I'd been globe-trotting while pregnant!).

He left me to cope and even now I don't know how I did it.  I had to get my oldest to school, get up at night to feed the baby, cope somehow with the house, shopping, everything, while he partied in Japan.  The trust in him disappeared after that.  I knew I was totally on my own and I only kept the marriage going because he was the financial support for us, at least he did that much. 

I wanted so much to trust him.  The day he left for Japan was the day I saw him for who he truly was.

[notakennedy]

More, what an interesting parallel.  In NH's first marriage, not so long after they had their 3rd child, NH went on a 'buying' trip to Japan (wholesale cars) with his brother, all expenses paid - it was to 'make money for the family' - but from how he described it, the 12 days away were purely holiday.  I now know when he left his XW, why she did not try particularly hard to hang on to the marriage.  NH has had a couple of overseas trips on his own in the last few years, he says after all the stress we've had, he needed the break ............. and you guessed it, did I go overseas? Why of course not!!!!