An e-mail from over a year ago. Still fitting the stupid jigsaw together.

[JennyWren]

I`ve been thinking.....mulling over....prodding and generally turning myself in multiple knots trying to really finally grapple with BigBird`s N journey over the past week or so.

I think I see our marriage now as two phases.....one long slog of covert N emotional abuse. Followed by the short sharp shock of the N decompensation MLC. Where his abuse became very overt indeed.

I recalled this e-mail BigBird sent around this time last year, and realise it gives an interesting insight into how he viewed the decline of our marriage over the first covert N phase. The long slog phase!

The background is.....BigBird had started his emotional affair with mad-ex-gf in Spring of preceding year. By summer he announces he is off to live "by himself" for a trial of six-nine months. Then he might come back. Then the sh!t hits the fan....and all sorts of NFOO people get involved and explain the opportunity he has to beat me into submission (even further) rather than jump ship. This is when the madness sets in....and he starts throwing things and yelling like a derranged gibbon with a spike up it`s ar$e.

By November I`ve had a lawyer get him thrown out with the threat of an "anti-molestation order". He is, at this point,  living in a tiny rented place....working his butt off to get back to the cozy spoilt boy life he now realises he threw in the trash.

He goes to a couple`s counsellor all by himself....while I refuse to speak other than by e-mail...as I know by this point he just twists everything I say. The e-mails were daily....often two or three or four times a day...and long. I would general send one back. Short as I could make it.

At this point, I am semi-emerging from the fog.

The following e-mail is interesting, because he has been encouraged to look at himself by the couple`s counsellor. I have told him he is controlling. And asked him to get help. The couple`s cousellor and BigBird have decided this is his mother`s fault.

It`s long...but quite illuminating from an N in his own words about a two decade relationship.


Good morning Jen....
 
Its 05:46am on Thursday and I owe you an apology. I miss read your question yesterday "I think what needs to be explored and understood further now  is the actual behaviours, beliefs and attitudes she [BigBird`s mother] installed (without your consent) in you...and are now therefore your own....and how that led you to behave towards me" . I understood from that question yesterday as "what my attitudes were & why". (I missed your point, sorry. I responded yesterday during the day, and I was obviously distracted by phone calls and work stuff...sorry).
 
I need to respond about my behaviour towards you...not the reasons for the behaviour. (I was NOT focusing on the "weakness" to try "keep you in your box" I promise Jen....please do not think that. I simply missed the point of your question).
 
So, to get back on track, I think my behaviour has changed over the years towards you:
 
20-10 years ago:
We both had an idea what [BigBird`s mother`s NAME....he addresses her by her Christian name throughout when he is blaming her...or critisising her]   thought, and that created an odd atmosphere if I recall between us. One where I was somewhat torn between supporting you and trying to please "the family". On reflection I think I must have come across to you as; aloof, superior, a bit stuck up maybe towards you. This would have been as a consequence of feeling somewhat "caught in the middle" of a battleground. My character of wishing everyone could just get along, and are ultimately are responsible for their own actions...and have a responsibility of finding common ground with each other may not have helped here. As it is a non supportive view point. It also does not help those who are trusting and giving in nature face the battle ox of a [Mother`s name] character.  So, I think I behaved divisively and non supportively towards you. I also believe I held you responsible to an extent as I could see [NFOO siser in law] and [other NFOO sister in law] coping ok....(how little we really knew back then). I was confused...and abstained from dealing with the problem.
 
10-8 years ago:
The rot had set in at this point in my attitudes towards you. It is important to share with you however how my sub-conscious interpreted your behaviour towards me. We both now understand the cause of our problems...what we are now dealing with is the effects of years of living under this control and the secondary behaviours. It is important for me to express (not as defensive, but an acknowledgement that communication, both verbal and non verbal  is a two way street) how my sub-conscious interpreted your non verbal communication towards me at this point in the analysis. I have mentioned the lack of romance and spontaneity in our relationship, in the form maybe of no romantic candlelight meals together in the evenings in restaurents, or nights away just the two of us....or anything as just "us" as a couple. We became just "mum & dad". Lost our "his & her" couple bit also. This I understood at the time as you not feeling that way towards me anymore. Not understanding the cause then, I felt hurt and rejected. Un-desired. It made me feel like just a provider to you just wanting to be a mum, and not a wife / partner also. Now I look back on this, it made me feel that I had to switch off my need to be affectionate, close, romantic, and sexy towards you. I had to ask for physical affection from you during this time period which was a disaster on my sub-concious view of you.
 
This I believe made me start to resent you (with a small "r"). It made me feel that I was forgoing behaviour that I needed to be able to live with you. I believe I gave up with my inner needs....and just went into survival mode like I think you did on reflection. From your point of view I must have been; judgemental, no lenience toward you, making you feel it was all your fault, cold, resentful, lack of compassion, sneery, start or the loss of eye contact, snappy.
 
2 years ago
This is when we had that chat in the kitchen. [Yeah. BigBird went on about his need to have sex EVEN more frequently] Although at the time this was more focused on our love life....we both know now that it was a lot deeper than that. You responded in a very non committal way to me.....saying you didn't know or think there was a problem and you just felt you lost your libido. Now, its obvious...isn't it....you poor thing!!!!! Its hardly bloody surprising! 
I took away from that discussion that you did not see that there was any problem with us....and that you were quite happy with status quo. (In reality we both didn't understand or realise the significance of years of control on our marriage). But I switched off emotionally after this point I think. I felt in limbo, like a zombie, just set in a routine of work, providing, and no friends at home, loosing contact with you, and seeing you being so warm with the girls (I do not resent the girls, or see them as the problem by the way). I felt cut off, ostracised, and lonely within my own home. I literally shut down inside.
This from your view point, my behaviour must have been very arrogant, unloving, no 1-2-1 affection, no eye contact, no acts of service (me doing loving things towards you), little respect being shown in our relationship, resentment, frustration, and anger. I also resigned myself to the fact that you were those things [Mother`s name] used to say (the vicious circle thing).
 
2-0 years ago
This period is so close and well documented. In summary I went into "every man for himself mode". Instinctive behavior. But a reaction to us not communicating the real issues....not understanding them. 2010 we know about, and I have acknowledged the behaviour in me towards you previously. My Crises exasperated my behaviour...it was ugly. I am so sorry again.
 
Behaviour summary
I really do see how my behaviour has exasperated the issues over the back drop of the cause [Mother`s name]. I believe that my behaviour and attitude towards you originates back to [Mother`s name]. I have analysed this to death....but still firmly believe that I really do love you, feel affection towards you, and feel that I have dealt with you emotionally in the same way trying to tie up shoe laces with boxing gloves must feel. In other words, I was in a straight jacket emotionally when it came to you as a consequence of control and influence from [Mother`s name]. I know this as people have said to me that they find me very; warm, understanding, compassionate, caring, and sensitive (both male and female people). So I have to conclude from this that [Mother`s name] has really effected my emotional state with YOU.  I see the behaviour of me towards you, and the way it made you feel, all related to the same source. [Mother`s name]. The consequence of my behaviour towards you eroded your self confidence and esteem and that in its self compounded the symptoms of your behaviour....and the vicious circle begins.
 
Related to this by the way, my meeting with the councillor was very helpful yesterday...talking to an independant 3rd party. [Counsellor`s name] is a mid 50`s lady, very open and a great listener obviously. I shared over 1 hour a back drop of us, starting before we were married, [Mother`s name] intervention, and 2010 in detail (telling her everything). I lay my stall out with all cards facing up.  She was encouraged that I have cut the "hold" with [Mother`s name]...and said that this was critical and also a significant step. She said that [Mother`s name] should have done this herself when you and I were dating, as she needed to let go....but didn't. So in effect I had to "leave" her....which I have only just done. We spent 50 minutes discussing this whole situation....and she understands the overview. She did say towards the end however, that for us to try and deal with this situation we both need to understand our behaviours on each other....it is not a one way street. We were both abused by the control and it effected the way we dealt with each other.  We need to truly understand both our points of view fully to have true repair. [Counsellor] is a very warm, & compassionate person...very wise...a motherly figure. She said she would appreciate meeting you.....I would love that to happen.....by yourself....not with me there.  This I believe will only help us...How do you feel about that?
 
Sorry you now have 3 emails to wade through.
 
Its so good we are talking...oh....and please bare in mind written communication is a real weak spot for me....which I am sure you know already.
 
Lots of love, hugs, and care
Me
xx  


So...OK...as I say....this is an OLD old old e-mail. And it is not the counsellors fault she got it so catastrophically wrong. But....her input like this made such a difference. It gave him a whole new scapegoat for our marriage.

As the days went on.....the emphasis shifted to the counsellors view that it is "not a one way street". And BigBird to this day tells the story that our marriage ultimately failed because I would not go to couple`s counselling.

Why would I want to go to couple`s couselling to discuss his supernatural freak mother? I can do that any time!

Anyway....just thought it was a little peaky hole into the miniscule BigBird brain, should anybody wish to peek in that confined little space. To be sure....the "thoughts" are all contaminated by his "Counselling"...but is does show in his mind the relationship was in slow decline from day one!!!!!

The real rot seems to have set in for him around the time our eldest daughter hit school age and second daughter was a baby. Family time. Not BigBird appreciation time.

[tango3]

Well Jenny, sad to say I got rather bored after reading about half way through (and I NEVER get bored reading what you write!!!!!!).  Poor Big Bird, it's his mother's fault, his mother somehow infected you and then it became your fault, it was never poor Big Bird's fault - that's what I glean from his rather dull, pathetic prose.  It was NEVER his fault, it was all his mother's and then yours because somehow she managed to morph into you - awesome eh????   

And here are a few more thoughts - when you get married you LEAVE your FOO and form your OWN family.  The FOO should stay out of your new relationship it's none of their damn business.  HOWEVER with N's it seems the FOO is all important, more important than you and whatever children you might have.  When you have six or seven people involved in a marriage/relationship that is WAY too many people (unless you're into polygamy).  Oh and I expect Toad would write something similar but far more vitriolic.  I have e-mails he wrote me when he first left, when I was spinning, trying to figure out what went wrong (with me) because after all it was all my fault and yes poor Toad came to the sad conclusion that we just weren't "right for each other", that he was this truly wonderful person and I was a sad, sack of shite.  Uhuh.  Whatever.

Jenny you can't explain madness and you can't argue with stupid.

[JennyWren]

Yeah.....and I really don`t believe I spent MONTHS attempting to argue with stupid.

But I did.

Ever so gently...I kept pinning him down with his own stupid words....only to find the little bazturd popped up somewhere else on an entirely different issue.

It was like playing that kids game "Whack-a-Troll"...where the ugly little plastic trolls pop up randomly and you have to wallop them with a hammer.  fast as I could bind and gag him with his own folly on one point....he would leap out of nowhere screaming more dull b*llocks about how it wasn`t his fault on another matter entirely.

I never got anywhere. And it took me four months or so to do it. 

What was clear to me from this monotonous rambling is that he identifies things were going wrong from the start. And he actually admits to resenting me. As though he has a perfect right to.

[daisyk9292]

Now, its obvious...isn't it....you poor thing!!!!! Its hardly bloody surprising!

just curious, did you feel he was being condescending with that?!

That was a tough read. It also hit a nerve with me. I allowed my N mother to move in with me and my H right after the honeymoon! I was the last kid to leave the nest and my father was long gone. She went on and on about how she was going to be all alone, and struggle with maintaining the house. We had just purchased a relatively big home, with 2 extra bedrooms. I thought "Well, she works full time, could pay us rent and help with the mortgage, save money for herself, and have free time to be more social since she'd no longer have a yard and home to maintain" I know it's completely dysfunctional but seemed like a "win win" at the time.

It was anything but a "win win" and after I had our daughter, that's when I began to see things more clearly and began my mother's removal from OUR home. She worked full time, had made a decent chunk from the sale of her home, she could afford a nice little condo or townhome and live on her own. My brother stepped in and helped her. She DID NOT want to go. When I spoke with her about leaving, her hands shook, she had tremendous anxiety and accused me of being very abusive towards her.

In the end it all worked out. My brother helped her find a new place, I went in helped her paint, decorate and set up a great living space. It's really a very lovely townhome. Kitchen, dining area, livingroom, powder room, 2 bedrooms upstairs, bathroom and walkin closets. Garage for car and a nice deck. I asked her "Everything looks great, are you happy with it mom?"  Her reply "I lost my home, I'll never be truly happy anywhere now" *sigh*

I was caught up in trying to please mother, H was caught up in trying to please me, Mom was caught up in trying to please herself. What a mess!! 

I went through a time though, like Big Bird, where I blamed my mom for moving in with us and I blamed my H for allowing it. Where in the HELL was I????

I orchestrated that whole thing beautifully. I was getting things from each of them, and I didn't want to choose or lose on those things. Talk about a web!  Not a proud time in my life. Nope not at all!!

[Imogene]

Oh, Jen, this is so similar to how X sees the situation.  I also told him I lost my libido. . . because I didn't want to lie to him and say that I had been entirely repulsed the last few times we had sex.  It could never be easy to be so forthcoming with even a loving partner about something like this, but you see how problems develop in a relationship with a narcissist.  In order to preserve the relationship, we just don't tell them how we feel.  Because we CANNOT be honest with them unless our honest view is that they are perfect and above reproach and that any reproach we make is one hundred percent our fault, because we are inherently too needy, analytic, demanding, or wrong-headed.  It's so clear now in retrospect. 

As for his summary of the relationship, what a condescending bunch of hooey.  Like X, BigBird sees the counselor's need to mirror him (because narcissists make clear that they won't tolerate any other response) as evidence of her good listening, motherly nature.  You can't cut the apron strings when they are fused to your spinal cord, mama's boy!

[pearlsb4swine]

It was like playing that kids game "Whack-a-Troll"...where the ugly little plastic trolls pop up randomly and you have to wallop them with a hammer.  fast as I could bind and gag him with his own folly on one point....he would leap out of nowhere screaming more dull b*llocks about how it wasn`t his fault on another matter entirely.

That's it exactly.  Because the argument is never about what it seems to be about.  The argument is a vehicle for them to get and keep the upper hand with you. If you persist and with superhuman effort, get them to concede a point on one issue, their need to feel superior is going to cause another conflict somewhere else. That is what it's all about for them.  We normal people argue out of a need to be understood, to work through an issue and come up with a win/win solution.  To get clarity.  They argue out of a need to maintain their superiority, in their own eyes if no one else's. 

Big Bird sounds so much like my xnh.......trying to sound understanding but is patronizing instead.  Trying to throw you a tiny little bone here and there and hoping desperately you will be satisfied.  Spends years not defending you from his beast of a mother, but then when it suits his purposes, throws mama under the bus without a moment's hesitation.  Talks about romance and candlelight and couple time when he really means sex, sex, sex--the sweetest of all NS.  Admits things and denies them in the same breath.  Jealous of his own children.

Really, the plot is the same in all our stories.  The idealization, the devalue, the discard.  Acts one, two, and three.   The scenery changes, and the cast changes, and the props change, but the story is the story, over and over. 

Why is it so hard for us to see this and to finally let go?  Because I do what you are doing--or maybe I just think that's what you are doing--thinking, thinking, thinking, remembering, remembering, remembering, trying to see if there was ever a time I could have done something different to change the outcome.  I really don't think there was, for any of us. 

Pearls



 

[pearlsb4swine]

I was caught up in trying to please mother, H was caught up in trying to please me, Mom was caught up in trying to please herself. What a mess!! 

I went through a time though, like Big Bird, where I blamed my mom for moving in with us and I blamed my H for allowing it. Where in the HELL was I????

I orchestrated that whole thing beautifully. I was getting things from each of them, and I didn't want to choose or lose on those things. Talk about a web!  Not a proud time in my life. Nope not at all!!

Daisy.......aren't you being a little hard on yourself?  Your mom and your husband also made choices here.  And your mom sounds a bit manipulative too.  She'll never be happy anywhere cuz you kicked her out?  Oh, boo hoo.  Maybe having her live with you was one of those "it seemed like a good idea at the time" things that just did not work out.  As far as you getting things from each off them, remember that they were also getting things from you.  It's human nature.  Just sayin'..........

Pearls

[Legs]

<< You can't cut the apron strings when they are fused to your spinal cord, mama's boy!>>


<snort>


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I love reading what you Chix and Dudes write on this board..I swear I could go back thru all the posts on this board and merely by copying and pasting, I could pretty much tell my own story using other people's words. I'd still have to use lucifer's photo to demonstrate how being ugly inside eventually manifests on your face, but there are several younger n's I've seen here who, no doubt, will end up looking as disgusting as lucifer given a few more years.


Legs, whose apron strings have been surgically removed so that no other n's, s's or p's can ever try and catch a ride again
     
   

[Imogene]

Pearls--I am a big fan of your posts!  You really cut to the chase, and in the best possible way.

[pearlsb4swine]

Thanks, Imogene, and right back atcha!   

Pearls

[JennyWren]

Why is it so hard for us to see this and to finally let go?  Because I do what you are doing--or maybe I just think that's what you are doing--thinking, thinking, thinking, remembering, remembering, remembering, trying to see if there was ever a time I could have done something different to change the outcome.  I really don't think there was, for any of us.   

Oh for sure YES!!!!!....that is EXACTLY what I`m doing too. Churning it all over and over....examining this bit...and that bit....wondering how that bit fits with this bit. Aaargh!

The irony is....I think the tendency to examine things from 47 zillion different perspectives...to continually recalibrate ideas....form new ones...and re-examine them tirelessly.....is EXACTLY what the Ns rely upon to work their cognitive dissonance magic.

We don`t go "Oh stuff it...that doesn`t make sense...who cares!....I`m going down the pub to get blatted"....oh no......instead we try so hard to make sense of it.....wonder if we can fix it.....wonder how we could do it better now....how we could have done it better yesterday.

An endless stream of careful thought...WASTED on these morons.

I am beginning to realise that I DO understand it (my marriage...NPD etc)...for the most part....and now I have to stop mulling it all over. What`s done is done. And I can`t change one single thing.

Easily said....or typed! But not so easily done.

[Legs]

Jenny,

 My therapist said that though she didn't sgree with some of the stuff I tried during the "attempted reconcilation" with lucifer, that at least I wouldn't have to be one of those women who looked back and said "Maybe I should have tried this" or "maybe I should have done that"...

She said I tried EVERYTHING and I bet you did too from what I read in your posts......you bent over and twisted yourself up like a pretzel and it was never good enough. No matter what you did, it would never be good enough because it wasn't about YOU, not ever. It was always always about him. And you can't make someone happy that can't be happy.


I know that like you, this thing will never ever completely leave my mind and I will wonder until the day I die why I spent that entire year trying to fix a hopelessly broken "man." You have kids so it made sense for you to try and make it work...........I should have packed my bags on Day One or tossed his crap  out into the front yard and had the locks changed.


Don't beat yourself up.............in the long run, you will never ever understand it and be glad you can't. To understand the way their minds work, you'd need to be just like them



xoxo, Legs

[JennyWren]

Legs....I really WANT to stop unravelling it all. I feel like I need to whack myself over the head with a frying pan every time my mind wanders onto the dreary subject of BigBird. Only I would spend the whole day walloping myself over the head with a frying pan. It`s not fair on the frying pan.

The thing that reallllllllly freaks me out.....is....I now see EVERYTHING that sodding well happened....every carefully aimed word BigBird ever uttered...I see it all with a different spin under the banner of abusive controlling N. Who was right beside me....and who I never even suspected of being the Flaming Nutcase that he is.

He played an absolute blinder....I realise he was not the only one who did so.....to some very switched on and intuitive people here....but right now....it`s really got me pizzed that BigBird got one over on me for all those years....then jumped ship and buggered off.

I am feeling ever-so-slightly narked all of a sudden. I would like to do other things with my frying pan that involve BigBird`s precious dangly bits. How dare he pizz all over my life like that....bugger off and then tell the world it`s my fault.

OK....so I am having a spectacular mental hissy fit now. He leaves me having to start a new life all over again....but with two kids to bring up on my own...then tells everyone I have ruined HIM.

Why don`t they all just do the decent thing and go voluntarily feed themselves to polar bears? I am so sick of the lot of them. Life is so precious....how dare they waste a single second with their self-serving fantasy-world nasty lives.

[JennyWren]

Imogene....I found it terribly confusing at the time to answer BigBird`s interrogations about his not getting enough sex. I hardly need not say that such conversations were handled in a blame ridden accusatory manner. And he would regularly guilt me....and shout at me alternately for not wanting as much sex as he did.

As time went on...frankly...going to bed with my own husband was about as attractive as going to the dentist. In fact....it was shockingly similar in many ways.  I did not sleep with the dentist I should point out!!! 

But BigBird continued to just "guilt" me into bed....right up to the end. I would have appreciated a general anaesthetic. After....he would complain that I wasn`t "into it". Well.....der!

In the top ten of BigBird complaints..."Not enough red hot sex" was ALWAYS right up there at number one.
 
However...as you say...you learn not to reveal your real feelings to an N. I learnt it so well...I didn`t even know what they were by the end.

[Legs]

my sister (who is nobody's fool) said something to me one day that really seems so simple and yet it has stuck with me to this day........................I wish I could say it her in Ramrod Queen voice. She said,

"Legs, he fooled EVERYONE! Eben me and Jana!!!!"

Jana is my oldest pal, over 40 years we've been friends, she is a lesbian and not usually all that friendly with men in general and my sister.................well, NO ONE wold ever even DREAM of getting anything past Melanie, but lucifer did it. He fooled them both and countless other people. I could no go ANYWHERE with him without some woman coming up to be and telling me how lucky I was to have a "gentleman" like him...blah, blah. He was very European and Courtly and verra verra charming, but it was all bullshit. Just heaping piles of it. I really should have noticed all the horseflies buzzing around.


You were taken in by a master. I don't think it will ever happen to you again or me either now that we KNOW. Just call us naive.....and we "loved" what we thought they were. It was all a con game from Day One and it's a game neither ne of us will ever play again. You might have to see yours on occasion at graduations and weddings and maybe birthdays for the girls.


And speaking of the girls....I wish just ONE of them would be willing to break down and talk to that ass just long enough to hear how the Holiday visit was with MGF and her family.....just to get the dirt on that. Did MGF come back with him or is she still in OZ?


And Lordy! It's been THREE years since I found out about lucifer's shenannigans and I'm still thinking about it. I know I always will. It was a huge chunk out of our LIVES!!!!!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up over it..I don't know anyway to make yourself stop wondering and turning it over in your head.....Really the only time I don't think about it is when I get really involved with something I still love....I lost a lot of interest in a lot of things, but I still like to do my art stuff when I am not too hideously depressed to even get out of bed.


I can't even say time will make it better for you though I think it will because of the girls plus you can visually watch him turn into Rumplestilzkin over the next few years. Their existence is joyless and creepy and it will catch up with them. You've already seen it happen to Big Bird. I saw his picture...and I saw yours. You still look like a young girl compared to him...............he looked like a stressed out, very ill creepazoid with a large branch crammed all the way up his rear end. Talk about a TIGHT ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Maybe you should have a project.............like painting that red wall ..before you do, take your new paint and write bad things about BB all over the wall and let the girls do it too...leave it up until you get ready to "paint him out of your life"...............



I wish I was there...I'd feed you some nice gin and tonic and then we'd do a take out.


Legs, craving a cheese toastie right this second

[Rosemary]

Jenny what narked me more was him wanting sex and me not !!  or me wanting sex and he couldnt  keep an erection
Was that another of  his controlling ideas cos that got me soooo Pizzed off 

by the way im going to dentists tomorrow hes a really lovely dishy Greek  mmmm     

[MoreMyself]

OK....so I am having a spectacular mental hissy fit now. He leaves me having to start a new life all over again....but with two kids to bring up on my own...then tells everyone I have ruined HIM.

Hiss away.  I know that I did for a couple of years.  I'm all hissed out now but still *issed off at him.  I got through my youngest's teenage years and paid for the bulk of my son's expenses (except for half of the school fees which the Hobbit magnanimously agreed to pay).  I also helped my oldest financially so he could finish his law degree.  Nothing from the Hobbit.  He was off living in Canada/travelling/dating other women.  I remember once accidentally getting an email from former neighbours in Vancouver, meant for the Hobbit.  They were inviting him to go on a cruise with them.  I saw red.  These were nice, normal people, dedicated parents who had raised wonderful children.  Yet they were willing to befriend a creep like the Hobbit who had abandoned his teenage son to go off and enjoy his life with no concern for family matters.  I probably over-reacted.  I emailed them back and said they were to make no further contact with me, having chosen their 'side', so to speak.

I feel for you, as your daughters are younger than my sons were.  You have a lot of years ahead to be the sole support both financially and emotionally.  But your posts reveal you to be strong and capable and I know you will do what you have to do. 

As to your email about sex, one of the Hobbit's last accusations to me was that I took sex away from him.  Whaaa???  It's not as if it was a plate of food and I snatched if off the table.  He never really understood the reciprocal nature of sex.  BOTH people are supposed to enjoy it.  If one isn't, then you don't nag, harangue and accuse.  You try to find out what is going wrong and if there's anything you can do to improve things. 

[JennyWren]

(In answer to Legs question about the Oz trip with mad-gf....I have no way of knowing very much. My trusty Facebook spying has been compromised by my Father-in-law who tried defending me and the girls to BigBird and his brother....and he blew my cover!

All I can see is a picture of the stupid scrawny oaf standing on a sandy beach with his three quarter length pompous trousers and T-shirt on. As this is his idea of extreme heat clothing....I can only assume it is a beach in Oz.)

Thanks for the wonderful support.....I really...truly appreciate every word this evening. I really needed it.

I think I get a kind of overload from the practical issues of finding work (disastrous)...sorting the house out so it feels like home (very slow going).....and then I get to thinking that it is BigBird`s doing that I am in this mess. And I want to ram firecrackers up his butt.

Legs....do you suppose that by some freak of tectonic plate movement in the Earth`s crust Texas will ever end up adjacent to Oxfordshire? Coz I`d be round like a shot for the G&T and take out!

[Legs]

Rosemary!

 You cheap ****!!!!!!!!!!! (jus' kidding......I kinda have a yen for the tall, dark and handsome types as well or I DID in ancient times)

Oxforshire................ah. The lovely green of Oxfored, or was that Cambridge? I can't remember..I just remember it was green. And as for looking for a job....no way did I think I wss going to have to do that again in this lifetime. I haven't worked in the "real" since 1985.


I applied for a job two months ago and apparently have passed the background check...still have to be called for the interview, the drug screen and the PSYCH EVALUATION...how do you think I'll do on THAT???????

Question 1. Is there anyone you hate enough to kill.
Question 2. Have you ever actually imagined killing him/her.
Question 3: If the answer to Question 2 is yes, please describe the manner and method of said killing. If you need more space, write on the back of this page and/or attach additional pages


Has anyone here ever had one of those? I can't imagine what they might ask you....plus, I know I'm totally crazy so should I just admit it at the beginning?

Oh, anyway, Jenny...I was going to send you my condolences on the work thing. The only real reason I want is job is so I can have insurance plus I need a "family" and the only way to really get one is to do either job or church and I sure as heck am not doing that. It just sucks that the n's get to run and play and we have to live in a crappy little apartment and go to work at 60, or your version of this work thing. I should be retiring!!!! Not begging for a job at an entry level.


So far they haven't said the dreaded "you're completely over-qualified" thing. Plus, I am a night person and the job I want is the third shift (11-7 am) and I am a real vampire when it comes to that....I perk up around 10:00 at night and always have.............today I heard I passed the background check, so the next step is an interview. For me, that will be hard because I am just so dang exuberant! I should take a handful of Xanex before I go..and what about taking crazy medicines......should I stop all that stuff now??????????



Legs, who can't believe I might have to have an actual JOB, but my sister can't support me forever.......I owe her so much $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[daisyk9292]

.I really WANT to stop unravelling it all. I feel like I need to whack myself over the head with a frying pan every time my mind wanders onto the dreary subject of BigBird. Only I would spend the whole day walloping myself over the head with a frying pan. It`s not fair on the frying pan.

Yep, me too, with douchebag. Thankfully I haven't got that much material!

JW, this was your H and the father of your children. Who on earth wouldn't do a complete autopsy on it all? I do it after only a 3 month involvement with a N. After 20 years or so? I don't know if I'd still be alive. I'm a mush pie. I am in awe of your strength.

They are really just pure evil. Satan's sons walking here on our beautiful earth. Nobody is safe from these people. Nobody. 

[JennyWren]

I applied for a job two months ago and apparently have passed the background check...still have to be called for the interview, the drug screen and the PSYCH EVALUATION...how do you think I'll do on THAT???????

Question 1. Is there anyone you hate enough to kill.
Question 2. Have you ever actually imagined killing him/her.
Question 3: If the answer to Question 2 is yes, please describe the manner and method of said killing. If you need more space, write on the back of this page and/or attach additional pages

 ....You better take a few extra pads of paper for that....and ask if you can finish it off at home.

Oxford and Cambridge are both lush and green....due to the fact it never stops pizzing with rain here. Oxford is very full of people who have more money than sense...and think they have a right to run you over with their bicycle because they went to a posh boarding school. Every year on a certain day....they cull their own numbers by flinging themselves off a bridge in the name of "High jinx" into a shallow part of the Thames and break their ribs. Good. Then Mummy and Daddy pay for them to take a gap year in third world countries so they can meet some "poor people". They should just come see me!!! 


Glad to say..this morning I am feeling wayyyyyy better..and just want to paint BigBird fluorescent orange and push him into a high security Iranian Weapons Research Facility. See how far your posh Brit accent gets you THERE BigBird!
I won`t let him drag me down. `Til next time!

Today I am building an excercise machine thingy (It is beyond people to manufacture things AND put them together)...so we can stop being such lazy bazturds. As my daughter pointed out as she loped out the door this morning...."no Mum...we will just be lazy bazturds with an excercise machine!"

PS Daisy....of course you feel like mush pie. Your N scrambled up all your most profound and tender emotions...because he could. They don`t feel them...but they have observed them...and that`s how they know how to select vulnerable people. People who are as opposite from them as it`s possible to be. Then they dig the knives in and press all the buttons on the most unsuspecting gentle kind people in the world. And that`s what makes them so despicable.

[notakennedy]

... I am lagging way behind a lot of you in that (for the moment) I am still cohabiting with NH. I call it that because that's pretty much all it is these days!   NH of course is bemoaning the fact that 'his' sex life has dwindled to pretty much zero - note I say 'his', I wonder if he realises that it's quite important to have someone else there??????  .. anyway, to gross you out totally, yesterday morning I am having a shower and he comes into the bathroom 'to use the mirror' (better light with which to gaze upon his beauty) - but instead he says to me "turn around". I say "what??"  He says, "well I don't get close to you that much these days, so it's quite nice to look".    I am so glad he has sorted out his priorities in the marriage 

And Jenny, I regularly mull over/analyse/take apart bit by bit and moment by moment every thing from the very first time I set eyes on him, right up to today. And I don't even have children with him, although he has been around since my youngest was 9 and therefore qualifies as a step dad, not to mention the hordes of grandchildren we have accumulated (all from my two girls, the youngest is pregnant with no.5!).  I think any relationship with an N, whether it be longstanding or short, children or not, has such a profound impact on the most deep levels that it takes this processing exercise of as long as it takes, including therapy or whatever assists, in order to restore one's confidence, sanity, and self-respect all of which take such a terrible beating. 

[JennyWren]

anyway, to gross you out totally, yesterday morning I am having a shower and he comes into the bathroom 'to use the mirror' (better light with which to gaze upon his beauty) - but instead he says to me "turn around". I say "what??"  He says, "well I don't get close to you that much these days, so it's quite nice to look".    I am so glad he has sorted out his priorities in the marriage 

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! 

You must immediately get yourself a massive reinforced steel lock....or six.... for the bathroom door. And a flame thrower.

Creepy.

Hope things are going OK for you (other than unfortunate shower encounters)...are you still planning an escape?

[Legs]

Doesn't your bathroom door have a lock on it? Mine would....by the end of the day. Ewwwwwwwww. I am so glad I never have to see any of that EVER again!!!!!!!!! <blech>



legs

[JennyWren]

****ADVANCE WARNING*****
Sick and pervy plan follows..........


I have an alternate plan...DON`T get a lock...and when it happens again...be ready with an attachable prosthetic giant male appendage..

Quickly apply said appliance in appropriate place...and tell him you`ve had a sex change. 

You might want to make sure the prosthetic appendage is warty and obviously diseased.....in case he accidentally finds it attractive on you.