It`s official. The Cursed "One Ring" has been removed.

[JennyWren]

This morning I had a letter from my lawyer....and I am now officially DIVORCED from BigBird.

 

The Ring forged in the Fires of Mordor has been carefully removed....so if the forces of evil start to cast a shadow over the skies...or the sulphurous fumes and ashen clouds of doom appear anywhere near you...don`t worry...it just NMiL venting. Like a mighty volcano everyone hates.

And I feel.........? Hmmmm. Tricky. 

Partly delighted that I am no longer Mrs BigBird. Because he really is an arrogant insufferable ar$e.

Partly feeling like a big useless failure....One does not set out on a marriage anticipating that on Jan 21st 2012 you will be getting a letter through the post announcing your divorce.

Partly wishing I never ever met him...and wasted so many years being unloved and unappreciated...and devoting myself to somebody who was also devoted....to himself.

Yet knowing that the only good thing to come of it all...my two daughters..would not exist if I had never met the twisted thicket of pomposity.

Lots of antagonistic contradictory emotive thoughts. The end of a destructive era. What`s done is done.

I guess I should be celebrating. Part of me is....I think all of me is glad to be divorced....but there are significant proportions too angry and confused and miserable to be shifted even by that magnitude of news.

So....thought I would let you know.

The ring is sitting on my (newly painted) window sill where I can keep an eye on it. You may remember it has history of causing trouble to my finger! If it starts burning a hole in my new gloss paint you will hear the shrieks from wherever you are!

[tango3]

Jenny - I'm sorry but I'm glad.  I don't know of anyone who sets out on the path of marriage thinking to themselves "whoopee I'm going to stick it out for 5/10/20/25/30 years and then I'm gonna divorce the sucker   I know I didn't, I thought it was going to be "till death do us part" though in a way it was - my death - just took 23 long years to put those nails in the coffin. 

Guess in the long run it's just, almost unbearably sad, that despite our best efforts, of trying to make things work - we couldn't.  If we knew then what we know now, I know I'd have still been running in the opposite direction.  I can't even say I have two wonderful children - my youngest has (what I thought right from the beginning) schizophrenia - courtesy of Toad's wonderful genetic heritage.  So now I have the unbearable pain of watching my child's personality disintegrate, in spite of my best efforts to prevent it.

As for the "ring" melt it down, sell it for scrap - gold is increasing in value every day and at least you'll get something tangible for it.  I removed my ring a long time ago (had to have it cut off).   I don't need an piece of paper from a court to tell me my marriage is over.

((((((()))))) big hugs to you today.

[daisyk9292]

JW - I'd like to offer congratulations but considering all the different emotions you are feeling about the experience, it doesn't seem appropriate. But you're free from this  so  as far as the rest of what you feel -   

"Yet knowing that the only good thing to come of it all...my two daughters..would not exist if I had never met the twisted thicket of pomposity."

So true, and how lucky they are to have you as a mom!!

This reminds me of the movie Hope Floats. Sandra Bullock tells her N husband, "I already got the best part out of ya and she's standing outside" meaning their daughter. The rest of him, she could now see, was completely worthless, and she was better of without him.  But you could definitely see the pain she felt for her daughter when he selfishly drove off and left her in tears, comforting her and cleaning up his mess.

It just sickens me how ice cold they are.

[CZBZ]

Aw Jen. I am so sorry. It breaks my heart for every marriage ending in divorce, but especially when when it happens to people like yourself. Not that divorce isn't painful for everyone because it is. But because divorce, for the person who was nullified by a narcissist, is a victory and a defeat. A joyful liberation tempered by inconsolable sadness. You tried in every way you could think of, to keep your family together and create a loving home with your husband. Even when the stars-in-your-eyes faded and he became real, not ideal. That's the moment when real love takes root and begins to flourish.

Or not.

We ended up, the both of us, with "nots." It was not fair. It was not right. We worked hard to make the marriage work so it was not karma either.

You summed up your feelings today so beautifully and really touched my heart. I still grieve for the loss of the family that could have been if only I hadn't married a 'not'. I think you understand what I'm trying to say...there is nothing anyone can do once the narcissist decides he is ready to move on. All you can do is pick up the broken pieces of your life and put it back together as best you can. 

I am happy that you are divorced and I am also heartbroken for you today.

Love,
CZ

[loved2much]

[there is nothing anyone can do once the narcissist decides he is ready to move on. All you can do is pick up the broken pieces of your life and put it back together as best you can.  ]

[MoreMyself]

Divorce is both an ending and a beginning.  I had periods of grieving for the ending, for the what-would-never-be.  I had periods of elation for the beginning.  For the making of decisions on my own, the control over my own destiny, the opening up of new dreams that had been stuffed in the back drawer of my marriage.  Gradually the grieving became less and the looking forward became more and now that the grief is gone there is optimism and hope and calmness, and I wish all these for you on a daily basis.  You didn't fail at marriage.  Bigbird did.  You were collateral damage.

[Imogene]

 

Thinking of you today,

Imogene

[pearlsb4swine]

 

It's a hard day.  I am so sorry, Jenny. It had to be, and best to get it done so you can move on.  And removing the ring is so hard.  I did it quite soon after we separated, because I knew it would be painful and I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.

My ring is sitting in my jewelry box.  I have no idea what to do with it.  Maybe someday there will be treatment for narcissism someday.  A big national center for treatment and research, and CZ will be the CEO and the rest of us will be on the board of directors.  And we will all donate our wedding rings to be made into a great piece of art for the lobby, to acknowledge the human suffering caused by narcissism and the sacrifices we all made.  I'm thinking something beautiful and poignant.   Like the AIDS quilt. 

These are the things I think about instead of vacuuming.

[Chime]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{ JennyWren&Girls  }}}}}}}}}}}}}



you've joined the ranks of the order of the phoenix

much love
 
Chime

ps - ok - that's a pic of a gorgeous phoenix
that might be even more beautiful in your amazing imagination...
sigh

[alatariel]

I believe a phoenix can rise from the Fires of Mordor. 

 

[Rosemary]

   sending a big group   ((((((((( hug ))))))))))     
    Jenny You beat me    

[Proud2B]

JennyWren,
Awwwwwwww..........I feel for you.  Your post is eloquent.  You do such a great job of expressing the bittersweetness of divorce.

It IS a new beginning, but is incredibly scary at the same time.  At least it was for me.  But the possibilities are intoxicating.  OTOH, it is excruciatingly painful to give up on the hopes and dreams of a long term marriage.  If only this, if only that.....

Hugs to you.  Lots of them today.  It's a time of grieving and joy. 

Be kind to yourself. 

(((((Hugs)))))
Proud2B

[JennyWren]

Thankyou...you dear sweet people...for all your empathy and words of encouragement and understanding. 

The day is through here...and...despite realising that I had a subconscious habit of fiddling with my ring when I am idle...and giving myself a jolt when it`s not there....the world is still turning. The stars are still twinkling in the sky. The sound of the wind is whistling round outside my window.

Life goes on. And I guess...I guess I have wasted so much precious irreplaceable time with a man who could only ever make life worse....I have to try to make the best of the time ahead.

Heartfelt thanks again for your support. 

[newglasses]

((((((hugs))))))   

[talia]

((((Jenny)))

[NewWings4MeNow]

Jen,

On such a wild rollercoaster of a day and season, we're here with you and for you.  Relief and loss.  Release and failure.  Separateness and ripped separation. 

Like you I used to fiddle with my rings all the time, and my hand felt so naked for such a long time. 

The day itself, when the docs arrive, can be a slide-by letdown compared with all the theatrics that have surrounded it.  To the point where we ask, "Was that all it was worth?!?", cry some more and reach for Chunky Monkey and the remote. 

I encourage you to not have any expectations over how you'll feel in the days and weeks to come.  This might pass for you quickly, you might go through it in waves or your body might not even fully absorb it for a while and it might hit you hard later.  Everybody's different. 

One thing I do suggest, however, is that you consider giving yourself a timeframe for how long that ring is going to sit on that sill in full view of your future.  The day will come when you'll be ready to put it away and you'll know when the time is right.  Maybe soon, maybe in a while. 

If I could share an unshared experience, it hit me harder than D Day the day d told me that XNPH and gf were engaged.  Until then I wasn't convinced that he'd truly emotionally moved on, but I realized that he'd done so just days after I wrote him that I didn't love the man he'd become.  And after they married and I saw XNPH up close, I looked at his wedding ring -- instead of a gold band it's a thin pewter-looking thing, and I'm sure he didn't want to get something that resembled the ring he'd worn with me (and didn't want to spend the $!). 

As to "it's finally over" I'd like to encourage you that that chapter is over, but that your interactions with him and those you know in common will go on for a long time, so what's over is the wearing of his ring and the document that said you were husband and wife.  Feelings?  They operate entirely on their own.  Memories?  Ditto.  Wishes, longings, yearnings, tirades, retributions, being mired -- these know nothing of court filings or dates on a timeline.  I loved XNPH for years after we D'd, until the man he'd become continued to act in a way which obliterated the man I'd remembered in my heart, now more of a distant memory than ever. 

Give yourself time.  Lots of time.  And hugs, and warm baths, and candles, and treats, and massages, and walks alone in the rain, and snuggles with a pet.  The piece of paper creates a paper cut wound.  The life creates a flesh and spirit wound. 

I'm with you in spirit tonight, sending a big cyberhug your way -->  (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JennyWren)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

NewWings4MeNow

[lavender]

Hiya Jenny...sending my love and thoughts out to you and the girls on this day...may this be the end of the bad and beginning of the new 

[Legs]

wear a different ring...........if you don't have one, have that POS melted down and have your girl's birthday stones put in.....at least you got something decent out of the deal.


Legs, who seems to have a serious anger issue going on right now.........it's all I can do not to drive over to his house and shoot out all the windows

[JennyWren]

So...on the morning after D-day....my emotional ship seems to have steadied.

Thankyou, truly, for even more expressions of solidarity...and understanding. It`s daft...in a way...when I knew very well the paperwork was imminent....and I have thought on it many times... even started the process myself...nearly a year ago now....it`s daft that it still flopped out of the envelope not as an inconsequential document...but a tall foreboding dark monolith that demanded further processing.

I guess the officialness of it pings all those dopey heartstrings that still yearn that things could have been different. The dreamy parts of you reality beats with a baseball bat...as your N continues to pound everything you ever were by their incomprehensible attitudes, and the revelation of who they are. And always were.

Wings...your post has verbalised many lurking thoughts. And solidified my resolve to go forwards with the confidence that such a ridiculous foolish man as BigBird...though he will always take a snap at me whenever he can...is nothing but a waste of organic matter. A living breathing example that DNA...the most miraculous substance in the universe...can balls up like anything else!

Whether the soul is a result of all those biochemicals whizzing about...or something more spiritual....how a human being can walk about looking for all the world like a regular guy...but underneath being merely a simulation....well...that will never ever sink in.

I looked at his wedding ring -- instead of a gold band it's a thin pewter-looking thing, and I'm sure he didn't want to get something that resembled the ring he'd worn with me (and didn't want to spend the $!). 

BigBird removed his own wedding ring when he began hurtling down "Mid-Life Crisis" Highway. He said....as he`d lost so much weight...and now looked like a eerie deflated balloon someone drew an approximation of a face on....it "kept slipping off"! When I explained to him that I was hurt he didn`t wear something so symbolic (In my naivety believing he didn`t know this already)...he said he didn`t like gold any more and silver coloured metal suited him better. I could climb under the table with embarrassment that I had believed such total b*llocks.

So....rings have been a prickly issue for a while. That`s why I made the choice to leave the ring on...since I had made promises concerning it....until a Court declared the marriage over. BigBird couldn`t do it..because he is a liar and a nasty bazturd. And I can`t believe I couldn`t see it.

BigBird angrily told me that he would not EVER marry again when I asked him his intentions about mad-gf. I took this to mean he could better protect his money from evil women that way. It would not surprise me in the slightest if he marries. He has been living with her for about a year. And was emotionally if not physically with her for a year before that.

Furthermore....I fully expect them to have kids to replace the daughters who won`t speak to him. Older d has brought this up countless times. And gets upset thinking of more innocent lives being affected by his rotten ways.

But I am ready for these things as I`ll ever be. They won`t come as a shock. He had dumped me while we were still under the same roof...with him pretending he still loved me...so his shirts were still ironed and his meal was still cooked...and his bed was still warm if you get my meaning. It still hurts like hell...but I do understand who he is now.

If this divorce paper thing has taught me something...it is that however ready you think you are...however prepared your thoughts are...the emotional effects still run free for a bit. That`s who I am. It`s what makes me what BigBird is not. A person who feels things profoundly and instinctively. He never has to feel the pain...but he can also never feel love, or joy of being loved.

And dear Legs.....the anger that inspires your drive-by shooting spree is roaming free in me too. I can think of so many really satisfyingly graphic revenge plans. But none will ever be as perfect as your simple tactic of publicising Lucifer for what he is. Because you have not done a single immoral thing....just opened the door behind which Lucifer cowers in his perverted shame. That is justice. He is a total skank. That`s his choice. And now the world can see what he is. 

[pearlsb4swine]

Wings, your beautiful post resonated so with me.  I have read it over and over. 

Jenny, what can I say?  Just ditto for me.  You said it better.

 

Pearls.

[overwhelmed]

Not sure how in my mind the two connect but, as i read your post thoughts of my youngest sons birth emerged. Six hours after, a doctor from the nicu came in my room to deliver "the news." It wasn't anything known such as, "your son has 'this'd syndrome'" it was news just the same. From that point, all the congrats from people turned to "i'm sorry." Imagine that? Same birth, same baby from the start and "the news" turns it to how sorry people were and congrats disappeared. I can tell you jenny, there wasn't any "sorry" about him. "the news" didn't change the gift, it didn't change the congrats. Even though this news changed the thoughts I had previously, he's my greatest pleasure. What's so doom and gloom about that?  Sorry for one of the best things in my life?  I don't think so. If you can connect how your post brought these thoughts up for me.....how in my mind it connected, I say to you "congrats!". Let go of the thoughts, as you can, as it being the end or fqilure of something you thought it should be and bask in thoughts of what it is.  I felt like a failure too.....was it my fault? Did I cause it, not do something right? And so on...nah, God, nature....what the hell ever, got his birth exactly right. Sometimes, the greatest gifts come in a package not pictured as perfect by others.  Your papers are a birth of sorts also.  How can I tell you that something being "wrong" was really so right?  Here's to the birth of what needs to be in jennys life, so Jenny can have peace.

[smp]

I have mixed emotions reading all of this - I truly am jealous due to the fact that my day may never come. I truly believe in love and marriage, love conquers all, etc - but am also a realist at times to know that sometimes what I want is just not good for me. Still, the pain of the lost hopes and dreams comes hard. Something that was so special to me, is just gone, with a piece of paper. As much as I want mine done, I know it will bring about many scattered feelings and thoughts. I do know in my heart - it was all an illusion - and that hurts the most. Knowing I was conned and used - well, I am still working on that.

I can not imagine pigface taking his ring off - it allows for the continuation of sympathy from others. I actually took mine off just before the meltdown - I had a colonoscopy (hahaha) and had to take them off- for some reason I did not remember to put them back on. My daughter has them now, was going to sell them - but she wasn't happy with the amount offered - it is on her now, she can do whatever she wishes with them. Knowing her, she will sell them at some point for a pretty penny.

I have been using my maiden name this year for work, I have been prepping for the divorce for some time. I have no idea how I will feel - but gain confidence through this site.

Jenny, my heart goes out to you - be kind with yourself. You are an extremely valuable human being, I believe you deserve the best life has to offer, baby steps may be needed for awhile - but you are on your own path. 

[JennyWren]

Overwhelmed....what a profound thought. The comparison of the birth of your little boy, and all the reaction around it. The picture of your little fella`s huge beaming smile is one of the images that has really stuck in my thoughts from all the posted photos. I can see absolutely how he gives you such a extraordinary joy. Even in his photo...his endearing nature...his innocence and the precious nature of life shines from him.

I understand what you are saying completely. Though how it popped into your head I will never know! You guru you!

I do feel an element of freedom going forward. That BigBird really does have no power left to him. And though he can sling his silly e-mails....and marry mad-gf....and have a zillion more kids...and be rich as Bill Gates....Actually...Who cares? He will always be a miserable fake hollow nasty selfish disordered pr!ck.


smp.....I feel for you every time I read the name "pigface". Everything you have posted about that depraved excuse for a man rages in my head. He makes me really angry...not least because in the face of such shocking revelations...you have shown such extraordinary dignity and courage. I am in awe of the way you have picked yourself up.

I should say that the reason my divorce has gone through fairly quickly...just under a year...was because I made a conscious calculation to forgo many of my legal rights.

Everybody`s situations are unique. And I am not suggesting that this would work equivalently for anybody else...but it would be wrong to leave the idea in the air that I have achieved a good settlement and skipped off happy to be divorced. In my case...I reasoned that I would rather walk away from the considerable amount of money my settlement fell short of...in return for not fighting with BigBird for years.

I actually sat down and drew up a risk assessment type document in BigBird`s preferred style. I came to a figure that I believed balanced lost money with lost sanity. And after a considerable amount of extreme and intense stress...and ridiculous nastiness from BigBird...he offered close to my minimum figure...and I elected to bite his arm off quick and cut my losses.

I am considerably poorer as a result. And will undoubtedly be struggling for the rest of my life frankly. But I felt I was jammed in hard between the proverbial rock and hard place. I guess I did the equivalent of that film "127 Hours"...and chopped my own arm off in order to escape.

BigBird is not an overt N. He is undetectably covert to most onlookers. But he is nasty, vicious, and very astute when it comes to psychologically torturing me. A tendency my lawyer began to see over the months. And he was shocked to the point of just disbelief. He himself said that to take such a petty sadistic man to Court would be not only expensive and probably unproductive....but psychologically damaging.

So....don`t feel jealous that I have effected a superb escape plan. I just bailed. It adds to the pile of anger and resentment. Particularly as BigBird has sung from the treetops that my lawyer and I have "stolen" all his money and left him penniless.  .

So I paid good money to be rid of the despicable conniving git. Another good reason why I should be glad I guess.

[JennyWren]

PS....just wanted to add to my infernal self-centered wafflings that BigBird specifically ordered me NOT to see a lawyer on ANY account...as financial agreements were just common sense....and he would do it. 

Furthermore...he told me we would not be getting a divorce until we had lived apart for two years...when we could do a cheap quickie divorce.

If I had listened to him...I would have nowhere to live unless I loaned money from BigBird...which he offered so he could keep control. And I would be expected to keep quiet while he was adulterous for two years...then divorced when it suited him. Oooh...and all the time he expected to remain "Best Friends"...and pop round for Sunday lunch etc.

No wonder he`s pizzed.

[Rosemary]

Yes Jenny i got that about the living apart for 2years thing. except my stupid NH thought it was 1year and was off on a
mad "ENTITLED  trip with gingerbread GF that went pearshaped in 2 weeks HA .

so i petitioned him when he was at the bottom of his ENTITLED trip ,bet he loved  that move .Am still waiting for final bit of paper .