It`s official. The Cursed "One Ring" has been removed.

[nutella]

Jenny,

  Congrats but it is bitter sweet.  You will  forever carry the burden of humanness with the naive masses mostly unaware of your continued heroism - but it is recognized and appreciated by other humans who no longer take that status lightly. 

  Be careful with the ring.  I propelled mine with my best fastball technique through a wormhole which resulted in global economic collapse, wars and chaos, earthquakes and all kinds of nastiness. 

 Be you, be good, and get even stronger.

Nutt

   

[MoreMyself]

I propelled mine with my best fastball technique through a wormhole which resulted in global economic collapse, wars and chaos, earthquakes and all kinds of nastiness. 

I've been wondering who to blame.  Wall Street is off the hook and so is Global Warming.

I've been thinking about rings as I followed this thread.  The Hobbit wouldn't buy me an engagement ring.  I was so naive I fell for his sad little story that we should buy something we could BOTH enjoy because why should the woman have all the pleasure of an engagement ring (please try not to laugh too hard at this, I can't believe I fell for it).  So we bought a cheap painting.  Which I defaced and threw out after the separation.

A week before the wedding it occurred to him that we would need wedding rings so we rushed out and he found some on sale.  Trust the Hobbit to go cheapskate wherever possible.  Those rings wore out, being cheap of course.  About 10 years ago we bought new gold bands when we were in Hong Kong.  But they were soft gold and marked up too easily so I stopped wearing mine.  After the divorce I took it to one of those gold trader booths but they offered very little for it so I declined.

I was thinking that a charity should have a 'donate your old wedding/engagement rings' option by putting up collection boxes in jewellry stores.  They'd get a flood of unwanted rings and it would make me feel better to donate it to charity.  In the meantime my ring is stored somewhere in a box in my closet which I try never to open.

[alatariel]

That part about living apart first must be in the N-handbook.  Dickhead said the same thing, and my lawyer laughed.  But then dickhead and his lawyer managed to hold it up for SIX YEARS before he was forced to sign the paperwork.

[JennyWren]

  Be careful with the ring.  I propelled mine with my best fastball technique through a wormhole which resulted in global economic collapse, wars and chaos, earthquakes and all kinds of nastiness.

So....a wormhole eh? That`s a big disappointment. Even a wormhole is not a match for the blistering fury in an N`s wedding band. Spewing it`s poisonous wrath out behind it like an afterburner back into the universe from which it is dispatched.

That`s stopped my prolific research program into accessing space/time continuum portholes for the disposal of Ns from our universe. I was planning to install my device in airport security...such that if the sophisticated monitoring equipment detected N-ness in the DNA sequence...or neurotransmitter activity...or differential patterns of brain activity regarding processing of emotion responses...they would be automatically pinged on a one-way non-refundable budget ticket into an alternate reality where I am not.

But if a ring alone could wreek such abomination upon our world...who knows what stuffing a whole N with my boot through a wormhole would do. Doesn`t bear thinking about. Perhaps that`s what the Mayan`s were concerned about. N backwash as the little bazturds are shot through multiple wormholes on December 21st. In time for Christmas.

Oh well...back to the old drawing board.

Maybe a giant cannon to fire them into Outer Space then. It`ll have to be a biggy to acheive escape velocity for their big fat opinions.

[JennyWren]

I've been thinking about rings as I followed this thread.  The Hobbit wouldn't buy me an engagement ring.

Right...that`s it...the Hobbit and BigBird are in fact the same person living two separate lives. I did have an engagement ring to be fair. It was the cheapest nasty thing from the cheapset nastiest catalogue store he could find. Because....as the Hobbit so correctly points out..."It`s not fair...boo hoo...you get a shiny thing and I don`t!"

He promised to get a flashier version when he was very rich indeed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha har. But...being legendary in the world of stupidity...I loved that ring as a token of BigBird`s love. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha har.

People were always very embarrassed when they asked to see my engagement ring...and there it was....looking like it had fallen out of a Christmas Cracker in Poundland. I think they thought I was joking.

I took it off and only wore my wedding ring once we were married. I do have it somewhere. But those two rings were the ONLY bits of jewellery BigBird ever bought me.

[JennyWren]

dickhead and his lawyer managed to hold it up for SIX YEARS before he was forced to sign the paperwork.

Six.....freakin`...years?!!!?!!

What was he doing? Building a lawyer out of matchsticks?

Urghhhhhh. Ns. They are so aggravating there should be a UN treaty banning them from approaching members of the legal profession. If an N is seen even thinking about speaking to a lawyer...they should be dissolved in concentrated Pepsi automatically. Other revolting soft drinks capable of dissolving bone are available

[Imogene]

We don't have rings.  We were married by a judge, and when he read the vows, X replied, "Sure, why not?" 

Okay--I am not ceremony oriented.  I didn't want a ring, and getting married by a judge was also fine by me.  Then we were totally broke and also in our thirties already, but even now I think I'd prefer to spend the money on something else, like a quinta in Portugal, for instance.  But when the judge gave X a filthy look, I did feel humiliated and demeaned. 

[JennyWren]

"Sure, why not?"

Oh how touching. You couldn`t make these people up. I bet he got a filthy look. Well...on the other hand...at least he was being open about his lack of respect for any kind of vow to take care of you and whatnot.

I bet if the question had been "Do you promise to forever pretend to be somebody you are not and dump all your baggage on your wife?...then his answer would have been a bit more enthusiastic.

[Julia]

Jenny, I am so glad that you are humane enough to ponder all of this. Think how flat life would be if the divorce really didn't matter to you. Oh, yeah, that is Bigbird. I was immeasurably touched by your remembrance of your wedding day, and the lost potential that this divorce represents. Whenever my divorce is final, I know it will be much the same for me, it has to be.

Julia

[JennyWren]

Julia  It is never easy to accept what`s happened with these Ns. Never easy to just go "Oh well"....and move on. Because...when all`s said and done....we loved them. For all the right reasons. Really loved them.

I know I ferociously whine about BigBird this....and BigBird that. But I wanted it to work out so bad for so long. Until I was worn out from trying....and so low as to no longer be the wife BigBird wanted.

The demanding bottomless pit of entitlement was exhausting. And I know there was not one single thing more I could have done. And yet...it all collapsed in a disorientating turmoil.

Sometimes I think if all this has to make sense...then NOTHING makes sense any more. It is so ridiculous...that when a marriage starts with a wife completely in love....and willing to devote so much to make the relationship and the family as a whole as good as it can be......how can it come to this?

Well...we know I guess. NPD. But we don`t have to like it.

[Legs]

ok, now I have a question......we know that for whatever reason, we decided to "love" at least the mask that the n was wearing....probably because they interrogated us and made that mask look exactly like we wanted......


do you think they "chose" us because they thought and believed that we, at least, realy DID love the thing they pretended to be?  Or was it just enough that we were funny and smart and clever and creative and hardworking and sensitive and kind and considerate?


Or does it even matter? I wish so much I had had the experience of fighting a long, losing battle and having the slow realization that n was NOT what I thought he was rather than just suddenly going from one to the next and realizing it all in a tsunami, but people keep telling me it was better for me that he didn't do the whole remorse, promise I won't do it again thing.


I just think it would be easier to deal with if you had some idea it was coming. When my first usband died suddenly and unexpectedly, there was the shock of death and the unknowing-ness of it all plus he just died and it wasn't like he chose to do that. With lucifer I have the same shock and disbelief and he CHOSE to do it.


I don't know what I think that matters....it just occurred to me. I am in a really bad place again and I am so torn between just trying to shuffle along or getting back in bed and just staying there. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I don't know what to tell her. Everyone keeps telling me I have to reconnect with "life" and have something I have to do and becone interested in something or someone and I just don't want to do it.

I feel like I suddenly figured out the big secret to life and that from now on I'm just going to be more and more miserable and the big question really is, Why do we even bother?




L

[JennyWren]

ok, now I have a question......we know that for whatever reason, we decided to "love" at least the mask that the n was wearing....probably because they interrogated us and made that mask look exactly like we wanted......


do you think they "chose" us because they thought and believed that we, at least, really DID love the thing they pretended to be?  Or was it just enough that we were funny and smart and clever and creative and hardworking and sensitive and kind and considerate?

I think all that we are just works for them at that moment. I think our love of them reflects back to them how wonderful they are. I think they HAVE to chose somebody they perceive others value...so that our love has extra value.

BigBird spent more time telling me how my ex-boyfriends were really pizzed at him...or that so-and-so was really jealous of him than he did saying how happy HE was. I thought that weird at the time.

That`s not to suggest I was in any way the belle of the ball or anything...just that enough guys were interested for BigBird to feel that catching my love was a trophy for his sad little ego.

Even at the end...when he was struggling to decide whether to run off with mad-gf or stay with me..he uttered the romantic line..."Well...you`re a lot better than what`s in Australia"

Yuck. And that was supposed to be a compliment.

I think we are the supporting actress for their Big Role of Leading Man in a performance only they are really watching. Absorbed in their own creation of a false self. I think they need to cast somebody trusting and giving in that role...so they can selflessly make himself look Big and Clever.

[MoreMyself]

I think they HAVE to chose somebody they perceive others value...so that our love has extra value.

Ditto. I observed this with the Hobbit.  After I met him with a group of friends, he invited me to a party at his apartment the following week.  At that party, another guest was hitting on me.  I wasn't interested.  The Hobbit observed it with interest however and after that began to pursue me.  He only really seemed interested once he saw that someone else found me attractive. Winning the trophy, as Jenny says. The other side of the coin is that when one of his roommates made a sarcastic comment about me (calling me a 'ball of fluff' which until this day still baffles me), the Hobbit devalued me and wasn't sure if he wanted to date me anymore

Even at the end...when he was struggling to decide whether to run off with mad-gf or stay with me..he uttered the romantic line..."Well...you`re a lot better than what`s in Australia"

The Hobbit was always shopping for better value, a better deal.  It applied to cars, TVs and people.  After we had been dating several months we were out for a walk near his apartment building and holding hands.  As we approached his building he looked up and a young woman was on a balcony and waved down to him.  He immediately threw my hand away (didn't even drop it, but threw it) and moved apart from me.  So I asked him who she was.  He said she was the daughter of some South American ambassador and if she was interested in him, he didn't want her to think he already had a gf.  Boy, I was some stupid.  I should have shown some self respect and walked on him right then and there.

I also got tested quite extensively for his supply.  My cooking skills were tested as well as my acceptance of his declining to learn how to cook.  Over and over in many little ways I was tested, such as by him cancelling a date to see how I took it, or bragging about his wealthy family to test my response (his family turned out to be quite ordinary).  Once I had passed enough of his supply tests I was judged suitable for a long-term role as permanent supply. 

But that never for one minute meant that he didn't keep shopping for better supply which included other women.

[JennyWren]

He said she was the daughter of some South American ambassador and if she was interested in him, he didn't want her to think he already had a gf.  Boy, I was some stupid.  I should have shown some self respect and walked on him right then and there.

Why didn`t we? Walk.

Clearly you are NOT stupid. Yet the Hobbit got away with....being the Hobbit.

Another random such example from the beginning....BigBird....while at "Art College"....made a so-called music video of him snogging and fondling a blonde bombshell....whose daddy owned half the county. Why didn`t I ram said VHS tape firmly up his ar$e and set fire to his eyebrows?

How did they do it? Do they secrete some kind of hallucinogenic drug from their ears? Are they adept at the art of stage hypnotism?

I wouldn`t have put up with half the nonsense BigBird produced from anybody else.

Oh...wait. I think it was the love thing. They cast the spell....mirror your perfect partner....and bait the hook. When you are caught...they can do what they want.

[pearlsb4swine]

In my case, xnh did not show his true colors till we were already married.  We became romantically involved in college, and then I was pregnant and then married.  I had only known him about eight months. I had tremendous doubts about him during that time.  In retrospect, he got better at manipulating me as time went on.  He knew exactly what to say to convince me there was a wonderful guy in there.  That all his selfish behavior was a  temporary disguise or something.  I remember being so, so confused by him.  Wanting so much to believe that if I stuck by him he would experience the spiritual growth they talked about in AA.  It was such a hard time.  And I did not see myself as having many alternatives.  Nothing seemed to make sense to me. 

[Legs]

<<Why didn`t we? Walk.>>

Like Pearls, lucifer was a lamb until after the marriage...really he seemed to be ok (but had some weird, in retrospect, things going on....but I attributed them to all kinds of other things....foreign born, a generation older, occupied by the Germans from 10-14...oldest of nine children in war-torn Holland...blah, blah. I made up many a thing to explain his selfishness and lack of intimacy)

so I had 15 years of so-called marriage under my belt and then then spent a year trying to "understand" before I walked. Did I say I am very determined and my word is my bond? I was going to do the sickness and health thing until he kept threatening my life. I thin when they tell you if you that you will NEVER leave them and then let you know that have more than one way to make sure that happens, it's time to haul ass at the first available opportunity.


Oh, and Jenny.......................just keep on letting this crap spill out onto the page. Nobody will ever fault you for telling it a million times like I'm still telling it. I think maybe if I say it enough times, I'll suddenl trip over the answer to all my questions like a cake walk...when the music stops, I'll be in Lucky Number Sixteen and *I'll* get the red velvet cake with the cinnamon cream cheese frosting.



Legs

[notakennedy]

Ah, wedding rings .. I haven't worn my for a while now, not since NH had his last outburst which shook me up both physically and emotionally.  I love that little wedding ring, but I just can't bring myself to put it on as it feels as if I would be capitulating completely. But it might all make you laugh to hear that when we got engaged (how sweet and old-fashioned in our early 40's ..), that NH had to have his own engagement ring as well. He couldn't be left out ...........................

[nutella]

do you think they "chose" us because they thought and believed that we, at least, realy DID love the thing they pretended to be?  Or was it just enough that we were funny and smart and clever and creative and hardworking and sensitive and kind and considerate?

It is called kook attraction.  I have it.  My D has it.  Seriously, I'll be on a subway platform or navigating city streets and out of 100 entities surrounding me, I'll be approached by the homeless, the indigent, the schizophrenics, the cons.  And believe me, I do not have a friendly countenance, or so I have been told.   I can see them coming from 200 yards and they zero in on me.

Today, it happened 3 times.  This morning was the most interesting; yes, I am fascinated by it at this point.  A woman who frequents a certain stop was "stranded", so I put her on the train.  She asked to sit with me.  She made fake phone calls so I could over hear her plight.  It was quite the show.  Not the best I have seen, but pretty damn good.  There was a presumably pseudo 12 year old grand child, a father in prison, a mother that was a drug addict, an eviction, a crisis in faith because churches would not help....

  I politely offered suggestions and remedies and sympathy.   I questioned her (covertly) about the details of her "plight", especially about the poor exploited imaginary grandson.  It became readily apparent that she did have a grandson, but he was not with her.  It was such drama.  I offered her some money.  She replied, "Oh, I did not intend for you to do that." 

 To cut to the chase, she wanted $40.  I gave her $20.  She saw I had more and tried for it.   When she did, I exclaimed loudly that I had given her half of what was in my wallet and stared her down.  She still hung on to the charade and thanked me and immediately left.  I KNOW that no one will ever approach me at that station again.   

 It is an experiment I engage in occasionally to try and get a grasp on this kook attraction thing (yes, it is a derogatory term, but at least when I give some change or a buck or two, I do not judge what people will spend it on.  Hell, in their situation I'd probably go for some MadDog or whatever also).   What amazes me are the boundaries that are crossed. 

  It is incredible. And it is not just the desperate, or is it?   

Back to your conundrum, why you?  I can wrap my brain around co-dependency, low personal boundaries.. etc,  but what continues to evade me is this "kook attraction".  At this point I can mainly describe it apophatically-- what it is not. 

 It's not sexual
 It's not codependency (imo) on the victim's part
 It's not low personal boundaries

  ... it escapes me.   

I was in a seminar for a particular profession and occupation and this very subject came up.  It was not an  uncommon experience within the "fraternity".   

Could be completely unrelated.... but I do not think so.   

[Never again]

Hi Jenny,

Do you have a garden? Would it be a mad idea to bury the ring? With funeral rites and all?

[alatariel]

Kook attraction, well I have that, though not as extreme as Nutella's.  Low personal boundaries, yep, got those.  Codependency, yep, had that with dickhead in a major way. Low self-esteem?  Got that, too.

I was actually the one who picked dickhead up, IIRC.  I was the driving force behind it all, he just lapped up my adoration as his due.  He was only the second guy ever to be attracted to me, the first to ever respond to my attraction to him, and I saw him as an "older man" who might be my way out of my FOO.  It was only after I left him the first time that he really turned on the N-tactics to get me back: promising to improve, doing just enough to make me believe he changed, talking me 'round to agree with his POV, playing the sympathy and sex cards...  But I was definitely not someone anyone else wanted, so there was no sense that he thought he "won the prize".  The "prize" was always controlling me to keep his supply steady.  And now that we're divorced, he still wants to control me, for whatever reason. 

As for troll, I think part of what made her "want" me around was the fact that I was a nobody in our tiny town, with no connections, no family or friends, so there was nobody to counter her bullspit and she was in control.  All of her other friends have jobs, husbands and families to keep them busy, but I was always available.  And she kept testing me: canceling and blowing off plans at the last minute with no warning, criticizing things that were none of her business, calling me at all hours of the day or night and expecting me to answer the phone, and making it clear that I had no say in anything we did and that my wants and needs were totally unimportant and it was wrong of me to have wants or needs.  She increased her demands and decreased her "output" to the point of ridiculousness, where I wouldn't even pick up the phone to call her b/c I knew she'd be "busy" or "on her way out the door". 

[Legs]

I dunno that I have true K.A., but I do attract the needy or distraught...the Jehova's Witness woman who's never flown before and we end up in a bizarre storm with the plane bucking and falling like a rodeo pony and lightening all around. So she's moved next to me and has my arm in a death grip all the way from Dallas to crappy West Texas town, screaming "JESUS"in my ear the entire time and for the next six months I have infected gouge marks on my arm from where she was grabbing me......

picking out thigh-top stockings in Penny's and a woman beside me tells me the entire story of her two gay children.........I can be anywhere doing anything and random people will decode to confide their innermost secrets to me.

I think I was to attentive (really, Legs?) to these needy souls...now I kinda of walk the other way when I feel one coming onto my radar....

So, Nutt....you have her the 20 bucks simply because she put on such a good show that had such great amusement value? Or did she really tug at your heart strings. I attract homeless people on the street..they're always wanting a cigarette or five dollars and I used to always give it to them but now I just see one coming, and I go across the street. I think it's because I don't feel quite so sure of my ass-kicking abilities at my advanced age, though I wouldn't absolutely rule that out if I saw someone abusing an animal or a child or someone weaker or smaller. But now we can just call 911, so we don't have to actually be drawn into the fray......

wow..three kooks in one morning! Where do you live, Nutt that you are up and at work already by 5:30 central time???? Even if you're on the East Coast, that's only one hour ahead of me....................you must be a Lark with a capital "L"!!


Legs

[JennyWren]

Never again...I ADORE your avatar! Ickle booky-wormy!

I like your bury-the-ring-in-the-garden idea too. And it would fit in with my plans. For whatever reason...I feel the need to "keep an eye" on that ring for a bit! I know logically it is only a lump of metal.....but it has repeatedly lashed out at me on specific divorce landmark days....most notibly when BigBird was sent the papers...and the ring caught on a gate latch as I was shifting heavy coal sacks and darn near broke my finger....which became terribly bruised and swollen. For weeks.

I guess I have too vivid imagination...but I want it where I know where it is for a bit. And I have BIG plans for my garden. Which is tiny...and currently looks like a wasteland. When I have "Done" it....I will bury the One Ring under my lovely old stone BirdBath (Not big enough for BigBird)...and if the birds don`t all end up dead from water born diseases...I will know it is at peace!

[JennyWren]

Kook attraction.

I know this has come up before...and I do find it ver interesting that it is something a lot of us here relate to. Because when I tell general friends who are Innocent in the ways of Ns...they seem to have no idea what I am talking about. It may very well be significant.

I entirely relate to every post above. The nutter will always find me. The outcast will approach me over others. The stranger will tell me their entire life story and secrets....and sometimes then look shocked at themselves...and then at me...as though I have bewitched it out of them! 

Like Nutt....I am not going about the place grinning the `ol "come chat to me" smile. I don`t readily make eye contact with strangers. My immediate boundaries are pretty healthy. I really don`t feel ANY codependent need to help the homeless/ otherwise troubled.

So why do the kooks gravitate my way?...and Nutt`s way......and Legs` way....and so on. And suddenly feel this bond thingy with me. Which I don`t reciprocate. I AM always polite and decent to them. I don`t give them a verbal beating....or a disdainful look....or kick the sh!t out of them...it`s true. But how do they know that so instinctively from 100 yards away.

I see them registering me on the radar sometimes. I am conscious of registering them too. So there must be some intangible signals given and received. It is strange.

Both my ds get this. At school they are a beacon to all the waifs and strays. Luckily it doesn`t seem to interfere with their ability to make and maintain general friendships with the non-kooks. But there are always a few...shall we say...outsiders.....in their circle of friends.

My youngest d goes further than that. She seems to have a kind of ESP with animals going on. She has picked up baby wild rabbits. Stroked a wild squirrel. Wild moor ponies come to her etc. She seems to emit a kind of calmness about her which says "Trust me"

I don`t know if that is related. I don`t know if any of it is related. But I AM glad that others consistently find themselves on the receiving end of these folk. It`s just nice to know....safety in numbers and all that.   

[Never again]

Never again...I ADORE your avatar! Ickle booky-wormy!

Thank-you! 

[alatariel]

Oooh, Never, I like it too! 

Jenny, be very careful what you bury in your garden, that ring will probably poison the Earth.  If you bury it in a cemetery, it will raise zombies. I like the idea of having it melted and reused, cleansing it with fire is probably the only way to rid it of evil.