Telling the Narc its over!

[lavender]

So the process has begun....I managed to stay silent during his lengthy monologue about how sick he has been  long enough to annoy him...he commented that it sounded like I didnt care and then he asked if I wanted a Divorce, YES I reckoned I did want one cos I am sick of the bullsh!t...to my surprise he said "send me the papers and I will sign them!"....he said he has always loved me and taken care of me and then told me to have a good life and pretty much hung up.....seriously!? can it be so easy? No I doubt it, I do not believe he thinks I will actually follow through. 

This was a reasonably short phone call, mainly him whinging about how terribly sick he is, as in unwell and practically dying type sick.  I suggested he have a brain scan  but he said his brain was fine.  He seems to think it's his liver and kidneys that are buggered yet blood tests and scans show nothing is wrong anywhere at all.  Still, he is unable to walk or sleep or anything...It was very pathetic and he was playing the part of aged crippled & possibly dying old man very well.he is carrying on as if he has gotten some terrible mysterious disease and it is torturing him, I would have thought the 30 years of alcohol abuse and 50+cigarettes a day would be a more likely suspect.

oh well...thats part 1 of the beginning of the end...will see if I get any life out of the old man when I post off the papers later on this week...

[Rosemary]

Well done and Good luck with the papers Lavender
 ,mmmm hope it goes smoothly you never know whats going through that SICK brain do you  ,wanting sympathy sounded like , maybe hes been upto no good ,but i expect your past caring anyway so hes wasting his time moaning at you .    

[alatariel]

N's certainly are masters of hypochondria, aren't they?  He sounds like the troll, she was always blathering on about some physical ailment or other, but her symptoms were mysteriously meaningless to an actual Dr. 

[JennyWren]

Crumbs Lavender! I wasn`t expecting THAT reaction. That certainly gets the old brain cogs whirring. What`s he up to?

Whenever you consider a situation....and fifteen different viable N reactions to it...how does the N invariably think of a sixteenth way?...veeering off down some dark unfathomable alley...and leaving you with a definite feeling that they are up to no good. And all you can do is wait and see what sh!t they come back out of the alley throwing at you.

Well....so far so good. And the even better news is....he really doesn`t have a lot he can hit you with.

[Freezer Burned]

Lavender,
Could his ailments possibly be because you have Emotionally Detached? That could have a physical effect on an Emotional Vampire.

[honeybearII]

It might be exactly what it appears to be, lavendar.  With many Ns, mine included, once they sense that we are OVER IT, they simply fall away.  The only thing my ex tried to do at that point, since I had moved almost 500 miles away, was keep up the phone barrage to make sure I was still protecting his oh-so-important Public Image. He drove me CRAZY for a long time calling out of the blue to ostensibly "see how I was doing" but in reality the conversation always seemed to drift to what HE was doing and he was making sure I was "not getting other people involved in this".

Of course, he dragged out the divorce for MONTHS by not signing even after everything had been agreed upon, but I figured that was him just having to have the last say and when push came to shove, he didn't want to lose control.  Plus he was NOT happy with what he ended up having to give me monthly for support and I think he was trying to delay the inevitable.
Honey

[RB22]

I told X to leave - over the phone.

His parents and I spent a day talking on the phone.  They didn't like the way he was behaving and Needed to reach him.  He was unavailable - like he had been with me for almost 2 years.  FIL blew his stack.  MIL was not well, not dying, but having some serious health issues and FIL needed to make decisions and wanted X's input into those decisions.  (X is well versed in medical stuff).  FIL told me that living with X pulling crap like this  and having 4 young kids and both of us having ederly and ailing parents..." was no way to live."    I agreed, but what could I do.  FIL and MIL wanted to talk to him about this... if it would help.  My feeling was he would listen to his mother more than he would listen to me.  We made arrangements for X to stay there for a week.  I needed time away from him.  and FIL wanted him under his nose because he suspected X of having a GF.  I know (now) I shouldn't have given him my suspected proof... but I did.

X calls me, I tell him to call his parents. He calls them, they need to talk to him that night, he calls me back tells me he is going to his parents and will be home late.  When he gets to his parents, FIL gives him the phone and tells him to call me.  I tell him Don't come home. he is to stay there. He is madder than a wet hen.  I need time, We need to talk to the kids. I already had... they asked me if daddy wasn't going to live here anymore.. can they get a kitty.  (X is allergic to cats)  They didn't care that he was leaving, they were worried they wouldn't see his parents as much.  And they wanted a cat.  I TOLD him that. I also told him it showed how much THEY respected him, how much they didn't care if he was here or not.   I wanted NO CONTACT from him for one week.  I needed space and time to think and time to take care of the girls. 

We had a birthday party to attend the next day... he attended. We had a meeting with the kids, telling them we needed to separate for a bit.  He assured them We were NOT getting a divorce... the kids were very worried about that.  He went by the house while we were out doing something else, so he could get clothes for the rest of the week.  He took all his clothes and all his family tree research and left.  3 days later, he emailed me, subject line read; Things to discuss with RB for dissolution of marriage.   I lost it.  Kids called his parents and they came and picked me (and kids) up off the floor.

He blames me for 'kicking him out', I blame him for cheating, treating me badly, and for leaving.

and I am still working my way through the madNess. 

[JennyWren]

((((RB)))).....oh ((((((RB)))))). You are always so gracious in your posts.....this last one made me cry. It was the girls thoughts that they could at last have a cat that was the last straw. That tells me everything I need to know about X as a parent and as a human. And is a parallel experience to the way my girls reacted when they got wind of BigBird leaving.

And I feel so for Xs parents, who are so clearly thoroughly decent, honourable, loving people....that they should witness their own son behave this way. And of course for you....in that even in trying so very hard to make a marriage work as it should.....you were powerless because an N is an N. Nothing more. You dared to ask for space...and instantly became disposable.

I was still trying to fix things at my comparable point. I thought I should keep plugging away. With hindsight I should have stopped way before I did.

You always speak very positively of your church...and I am glad you found support there too. What a shock and high speed train crash it must have all felt. 

[RB22]

Thank you Jenny,

The high speed train crash is an apt description.  I kept going from situation to situation.. never really seeing a pattern.. just the next crisis.  I keep journals... and thru those I can see where going from situation to situation was a form of coping that worked for me to get thru the day to day.  But, by compartmentalizing each situation, I never saw patterns, or even suspected abuse.  Because each event was an isolated event .. well in my mind anyway. 

I think being numb at the time and being an excellent compartmentalizer saved my sanity.  I didn't put it together that he was an N until CZBZ sent me a private message telling me to check out her website.  I think that was 2004? 2005?  It was then that I really figured out what I was dealing with.  By that time... He couldn't do much more to me.... but he could (and did) use the kids as pawns in his gain for control.  Well he thinks he has control... what he has is my apathy toward him and my love for my children  is enough to put up with him when I need to ... for their sake.

But control over his Daughters he is losing, as they mature and move away... which is as it should be.  But he is also losing their love... because as they mature they understand that love is not something you bargain with.  It is something you do for someone else without expectation of return.   

N's don't understand that... but if they paired up with someone who does.. and can teach it to the kids.. I feel the kids will be capable of having emotionally healthy relationships in the future.   I want that for all of our WoN kids... they deserve to be loved and to love unconditionally. 

Hugs,

RB

[pearlsb4swine]

N's don't understand that... but if they paired up with someone who does.. and can teach it to the kids.. I feel the kids will be capable of having emotionally healthy relationships in the future.   I want that for all of our WoN kids... they deserve to be loved and to love unconditionally. 

 
Pearls

[Imogene]

To add to this conversation a bit, with apologies to lavender: RB's post also makes me realize how meaningless it is whether we leave the narcissist or he leaves us.  In his mind, there is a betrayal either way.  We have failed to mirror his perfection.  As there was never a partnership, only a narcissist with the best mirror he could find, the moment we "betrayed" him, he was looking to replace us.  Finding a new mirror is to him what talking about the relationship, negotiating, seeking marital therapy or individual therapy, etc., is to the non-personality disorder individual.  In my marriage, I constantly wanted to talk about what was wrong, why I felt dissatisfied, why I thought he was distant, etc.  He said everything's fine, and I chose to believe him, because there really was no alternative except to leave him, and I was afraid of not being able to support myself.  (Also of course I thought I was just not communicating effectively enough.)  Compartmentalizing probably served a similar purpose, distancing you from the real problem that each smaller problem had in common.

[lavender]

oh drats! my reply went into cyberspace...

thats quite alright ,
RB I hope the girls got their cat...my boys have come along way too since dad has been gone and I feel a little bad for letting it drag on for so long.

I think I did this compartmentalizing too, never actually connecting the whole picture to form one big disaster...time away from him has shown me what normal life is like and that I am totally capable of paying my own way for the boys and myself. Once he went to his parents I quickly figured out what the problem had been with him all along,. He was always different and difficult but I spent way too many years ignoring the obvious and hoping he would grow up or learn from his mistakes.  It never happened and I finally decided enough is enough...its over now!

So, Narcboy has spoken with me today and told me how much he needs me and loves me and doesnt want to divorce but that he will sign papers if thats what I want...he is very much playing the poor pitiful and compliant man who is eager to please me and would be lost without me and the boys...He wants to know what the boys think about all this, he is oblivious to the fact that they are much happier without him...thankfully the boys have recovered well from the Narcinfection and are doing marvellously.  If ever I have a weak moment I remember how far the boys have come and all we have achieved together without Narcboy.  Finally we have achieved "Normal" and its too good to mess up .
I was busy trying selling him on the idea that a divorce was best for him so he could concentrate on getting better and that he never wanted to be a family man and all such other narc-like reasons why he would be better off as a single man...Strangely he also said not to mention this to his parents!?...very weird...but then they didnt know we were married for the first 3 years either (we eloped)...total lack of communication or what!

[Imogene]

lavender--Mine was the same way.  He didn't tell his mother about the separation for months, nor did he reveal where he was living.  According to my daughter, he has cut all communication with his mother and is only speaking to his aunt and cousins.  Which is really amusing, because during the d&d he blamed me for not going with him to her house anymore (she is the arch-mother-of-all-narcissists; many people are unable to deal with her and run away, including X's father).

Anyhow, I've read that narcissists are often terrified of certain people, and ours are surely terrified of their parents. 

You are handling this situation very well.  Trying to build win-win situations is a great strategy, and you sound quite positive.  Good for you!

[Rosemary]

Lavender i dont think my stbxnh has told hismother about the divorce either ,she knows we live apart ,and my D may have told her as shes the first granchild and a girl, after granny had  5 boys.  so she spoilt D ,the daughter she never had so to speak .
yes you can feel the difference when they are notin the house causing dramas and confusion .Its soo much more peaceful for the kids ,and for us too Lavender ,they always try to squirm back in sayin sloppy things to you then it all changes when you say NO    

[Bruna]

Mine hasn' t told his family and friends for months after the breakup!
One day I just picked up my stuff and left the country the next day, It was that easy. He knew I was going to have a trip without him and probably should have known what I was up to, but he didn't seem to aknowledge that or pretended not to knew any of that.
Even today I cannot tell whether he knew or not, since our life together had been so silent the last years, we basically never spoke to each other or argue.
The final conversation took place on the phone, I still feel guilty about that. That was horrible on my side, I felt like a sneaky person and a coward, but I couldn't let myself get guilted again into staying. I owed myself some peace of mind, couldn't be blamed again, treated like the bad guy again. Couldn't face his accusations any longer, couldn't bear to be shamed again, so instead of throwing threats I just left one day...
Hugs
Bruna