BigBird is on fine form

[JennyWren]

Sorry....I am being a bit needy again. 

No sooner have I restored some kind of calm after the upset of getting the oh-so-final in-yer-face Divorce Papers....than the Giant Yellow Squawking Canary-coloured BigBird if off on his high horse...triangulating with all his might. Evidently the divorce has not upended him one bit. There`s a surprise.

He is wanting to see the girls. And won`t take no for an answer.

Older d (15) spoke to him before Christmas on the phone...and told him she not only didn`t want to see him...but that she was sick of him not listening to her...and once and for all...would he please leave her alone.

Younger d (12) gets annoyed if older d brings him up to gripe about him...saying he doesn`t exist to her any more...and she doesn`t want to hear about him, from him....or even think about him. I have always tried (for the girls sake) to be as positive as I can about him to the girls...and they know that. Because they tell me to give it a rest.

He never connected with them as little kids....nor as they grew up.

I understand that from his point of (stupid) view...they are his kids...and he believes therefore he has a right to see them....and as he is such a wonderful person...the only conceivable reason they would refuse to see him...is because I have controlled them...and, in his words.."stuck the knife in"...and "demonised him"....which is in actual fact EXACTLY what his Nmother did to HIS father.

He is quite quite insane. How does he think threatening me will help improve his relationships with his kids?

For the record...this is something I have REPEATEDLY spoken to him about..not just in e-mail....but face to face...with extreme care...and oh so gently but clearly.... to have him understand the situation...that his relationships are what they are..not because of me..but because he just didn`t bond with them all the way through.

Yet again...he just can`t hear....or it is easier to believe it is all my fault.

I hope you will not mind me boring you to death with this particularly pompous e-mail. I know I have been going on and on the past few days......and apologise

Dear [Me],
 
Following on from my previous email to you in November and now having also taken advice on the matter of contact with our children  I hereby request your consideration on the below options.
 
Being the natural father to [d] & [other d] I have joint parental responsibilities with you. This means that between the ages of 0-16 I have a right to maintain contact with my children. The current situation (where you have encouraged me to take a back seat) resulting in me having only spent 5 hours with my girls in the past 14 months is clearly unacceptable, and needs to change going forward.
 
I wish to maintain my relationships with [d] and [other d], but more importantly grow them in a mutually beneficial way to the greater good of all parties involved. All my actions from this point forward relating to [d] and [other d] are to meet this desired goal.
 
Following advise on how to progress this unfortunate development I need to understand which of the following four options meets with your preference. (Statistics show that the amicable solution is best for all parties in the short, medium and long term, with stress and costs escalating from options 2 downwards. I am prepared however for any option you so choose).
 
Please could you advise me within two weeks (9th Feb 2012) if you are willing to support either option 1 or 2.
 
1. Amicable agreement to contact.
2. Mediation (introductory details attached, we each meet our own respective costs).
3. Lawyers (each meeting our own costs)
4. Application to court for "Contact Order" which can be done if you decline / ignore this email / or don't progress with
options 1 & 2. 
Unfortunately I have been driven to this current position where I now feel I have nothing to loose.
 
I look forward to hearing from you by the 9th Feb as to what your preference is in this matter.
 
Regards,
 
[The world`s most irritating, blaming, self-satisfied, thick, bottomless pit of madness]


I have NO money to play lawyers any more. And he knows it.

I think I may reply something to flag up that I am not the stumbling block. That for my part...I am at Option 1...amicable agreement to contact. Whenever d and other d wish to see him...for however long they wish...that`s absolutely fine by me.

Then go on to explain that now we have re-stated this, which I have said many times...he is back where he started. The girls do not wish to see him.

Short of coming to the house and dragging them one by one by their hair...I don`t see what he hopes to achieve.

All I know is I am HEARTILY sick of the adrenaline rush of reading his baffling nonsense. And am feeling so drained by his unjust finger-pointing at me.

On the plus side...I am SO glad that the girls have a clear vision of their dad. And that they are not little enough for him to work some kind of lawyer trick to get custody.

I am sad...however....that he will go to all lengths to have them trot by his side...and not have to explain to folks that they will not. And that this will completely smash to pieces any straggling thoughts of the girls having even a superficial relationship with their own father.

I am gutted that I have yolked them with such a spiteful childish pathetic facade of a human for their dad.

[Imogene]

I'm sorry, Jen.  All joking aside, I know this puts you in a very hard position.  Is there a way for a third party to listen to your girls express their feelings about their father and for the results of that to be presented to him?  I want to say a counselor, but I don't think a counselor would be able repeat the girls' statements to a third party.  But I really think it needs to be made clear to him that there is damage here, and he needs to be sensitive to it rather than just going on about his rights.  In other words, this is not about your refusing to share custody; it is about a lot of very hurt feelings and pain on top of very distant parenting. 

And what's with the deadline?  That's the second time he's given alternatives and a deadline.  What is supposed to happen if you don't act by then?   

[Legs]

<<I am gutted that I have yolked them>>


hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! geeze, it sounds like you don't have much choice. Maybe the girls can agree to go to a movie with him or something.....maybe when he sees how much they despise being in his lordly and grand presence, maybe he''' get it and finally STFU.

What would happen if you told the girls that for your sake, they are going to have to sniff a little bird poop and what would be their location of choice in which to sniff?

Can you have a mediator specified to go with the girls if they feel "afraid" to be with him alone. Maybe that's an answer.....they are not comfortable nor do they feel "safe" to go with him. Lots more to be explored, I'd say than having to agree with His Lordship's four "choices."


Legs, knowing there is more than one way to jack with a jackhoke

[JennyWren]

Oh crumbs....thankyou Imogene for reading all that...and for your thoughts.

The girls are home...and obviously I can`t talk to them about it (!)...or even call anyone for a good rant, because they really don`t need to hear that. They will be livid if they get wind of this. So I hope he will keep his trap shut.

He means to put me in a difficult situation. It is how he always parented: Girls don`t do as he asks> Get Jen to make them> Jen persuades them (like an idiot)> BigBird`s parenting is complete.

[JennyWren]

Legs...I did make the girls see him a couple of times just after he left. They hated it.

They don`t enjoy his company. He pizzes them off.

I won`t even ask them. Because it would be like asking them to go for a McDonalds with Saddam Hussein. They wouldn`t do it

I spoke with my lawyer on another matter today by coincidence...and he said I might possibly get legal aid (free legal work) now I am officially unemployed...so that might help.

He also said that the first action would be for a Welfare Officer to come speak to the girls..and if they chose to talk about the throwing into door/squashing against the wall incident when questioned....BigBird would be told to Cluck off.

[Legs]

obviously you must talk to them about it.....he's revving up for a giant flock-all, and you need to let the kids know what's coming down since it's really all about them. I am not saying show them the email or anything, but just say <proceeded by huge eye-roll probably, knowing you>

Listen, your Lordship requires an audience and according to law, he's entitles to get it one way or another. We can fight or flight or we can play the game. You might have to go, but you don't have to like it, unless you have fear for some reason. Then you might have to do a mediation or something, but be warned..once those lawyers smell your money, blood..they'll want more of it. Can you consult a local I don't know what you call it there..like a child's advocate? We have something here called CASA that helps children in situations of all sorts..it's like a big brother or big sister that gets appointed and then they help rangle the cattledrive....sweep up the strays....keep things on the straight and narrow at least as I understand it.


Maybe it's time to engage the help of a thord party and NOT shove more money in your lawyer's pockets. Investigate what other options you have. Want me to come off him for you? I could do BB and lawyers probably in the same day.


Legs, who really liked Yorkshire..........I'd have to stop in and see Rosemary. Dance nekkid under the moonlight. Have a fag or two for old times sake, but for dog's sake not a roll-your-own. The only roll-your-own I ever want again, is primo hydroponic stuff....buds only.

[Imogene]

I said in my last post that he needs to be sensitive to certain realities, kind of forgetting the personality at work here.  It's just a damned shame that he cannot realize how your daughters feel.  Because realizing that is truly step one toward having a relationship with them.  All the rest is going to alienate them further at this point, I'm afraid. 

All right--I'm off to the start of the mom shift myself.  Hang in here.

[Legs]

<<I won`t even ask them. Because it would be like asking them to go for a McDonalds with Saddam Hussein. They wouldn`t do it>>

then it sounds like you are bound for some sort of confrontation with someone. I doubt His Birdship is going to eat that slice of pie.

I like the Welfare Officer/Free Legal Aid person....let them come sort it out. You know this is just the first round from the bird cannon. Better get used to all that flying bird poop. You'll need several poop-proof anoraks or whatever they hell you call a jacket. (sweaters are jumpers, I know that but then what do you call a real jumper with is a sleeveless dress you wear over a dress with sleeves????)


Legs, eternally mystified by "English" english

[JennyWren]

One d is crying on and off from exam revision pressure...and the other has stomach ache.

So I will be brief....

I go over and over the "if he would just be sensitive" ground....and then I realise if he had an ounce of sensitivity the girls would not despise him so in the first place.

I will talk to them over the weekend. See what they think.

I will tell BigBird I am..as always...chosing his first option...because the girls are...and always have been..free to see him whenever they want. 

I am not the problem here. They have phones and e-mail and blah de blah. If they want to see him, they know I would be fine with whatever they want. I`ve said it enough...and then they shriek with laughter at me trying to be nice to him still.

[JennyWren]

PS...I am currently reinforcing my bird-poop-proof bunker with six feet of NASA grade teflon. He is NOT going to get me down. Pointless noxious-gas spewing worm that he is.

[notakennedy]

Jenny, I see an unfortunate parallel between BB and NH. NH's adult children from his first marriage have discarded him - particularly the oldest and youngest, although the middle one, being a very reasonable young woman makes occasional attempts at contact.  When I met him, he was seeing them once mid-week and every second weekend and they were 14, 12 & 11. Within the year this had dwindled dramatically and by the time the 11 year old was 14 or so, it had practically died a natural death.  He of course blames his ex for 'poisoning ' the children and not encouraging them to continue contact with him.  He maintains he did 'everything' he could to ensure they stayed in contact.  Not so. I recall many occasions when he was running very late to pick up the youngest and manufactured what I have come to know as his standard response for lateness ... even to a child.  I am sure that his children learned early on not to count on him. And of course all the other stuff that inevitably occurred during the breakdown of that marriage.  What I do see though, is a fierce loyalty towards their mother (who naturally was described to me as a shrew of a woman) - and a total lack of respect for their father.  I may not have seen this for what it really was in the beginning, but believe me I most certainly do now.  He says that he was a really involved parent when his family were young but also says he had to be the  'disciplinarian' as his ex was hopeless at this and he was required to be 'heavy handed' but this went against the grain for him (he says).  He also even just this week got all full of angst about his ex and how she had not stuck to the court arrangement for access, frustrating his seeing the children.

I personally think that his children had a very good handle on him.  They were of an age at which they could articulate that well and decided for themselves whether there was any benefit to them in seeing their father.  Whether they were influenced by their mother or not, they were very much capable of making their own decisions, with the exception perhaps of the youngest who did stay in contact with him longer.  However it is she who has vehemently rejected his attempts at contacting her and his grandson, saying "you have to be a father first, before you can be a grandfather".  Just how clear is that.

BB can't demand their obeyance just because he has 'rights'.  I wonder if he will ever contemplate WHY your girls choose not to be in close contact with him.  I agree with NH's youngest, there has to be relationship in the first instance and it's clear BB is really abysmal at that!  I suspect that whilst he is pursuing this line with you as you describe now, that he may well abandon it somewhere down the track when he can no longer bother (no potential supply forthcoming).  Or he might have a revelation and realise he has been a crap father and make amends, the girls slowly coming to trust and love him.  Did I actually write that??? I must have taken leave of my senses.  That's me thinking like me, not how NH does in his strange twisted fashion.  I think you are an amazing mother, Jenny, and that your girls do you proud. 

[Legs]

I am not suggesting in anyway YOU are the problem...I'm just saying that renewed amounts of slimy, smelly birdpoop could be a problem. You're right..if he wasn't such a poop, then they might want to have lunch.

I think waiting till the weekend is s good plan..maybe you can go have lunch or something and discuss it semi-privately and then maybe nobody will throw a fit, or is that something we only have to do with n's???


I gotta jet to the doc's office..they are not screwing around anymore. Cat scan tomorrow and then a biopsy of my "mass"...apparently they can't even decide on what the "mass" is until they actually cut out a piece of it and have a close up. Ick. Sounds expensive. Today is cardiologist and deliver yet another pee sample. That's thee pees and three blood samples this week. Why don't they just do it all at one time????


Legs, hating to pay for another big round of medical chit

[tango3]

Jenny how old are your daughters again?  I'm pretty sure that they are off an age when the courts say they can make their own decisions about whether they want contact with their sperm donor.  If you can get legal aid then go for it - start getting your ducks in a row.  In the meantime wait until his deadline (don't be hasty you need a LOT of time to think things over), 9th February.  Reply that you have always agreed to option A but the decision doesn't rest with you.  I'm saying contact legal aid now just in case he suddenly decides to take you to court so at least you know what your options are.  (And I'm not saying you suddenly get into a huge, time-consuming custody battle) but you need to know whether legally your daughters have a say in whether or not they want contact with their father.  If legally they have a say, well then let the court decide. 

btw Toad was whining to the judge in family court (when we appeared for the Orders of Protection) that I wouldn't let him see his children and that I constantly maligned him to the children.  The judge was a little confused (this was an Order of Protection hearing) and told him that, that was a separate issue, she was even more confused when I told her the "children" we all ADULTS i.e. over the age of 21!  And furthermore I never even mentioned or talked about their father to them.  Stupid, f.... ing N's they should all be hung, drawn and quartered.

[JennyWren]

Tango.....girls are 12 and 15 (16 in July)

Can`t stay.....just sneaked in briefly. After you with the "Drawing and Quartering" implements. Nice and blunt and rusty I hope.

[Rosemary]

Jenny sorry to hear all the hooahh from B.B. about the children .

i know mine are a lot older but they also want   no contact  with their Father .

My  son saying to NH over phone what he felt about him like "you had 2 responsibilites  in life 1   to be a good   father !!
and you failed  !!   2  to be a good husband  and you failed that too "  the N hung up and they havent spoken since .

the kids just dont have any respect for them because  the N hasnt respected the child .Its hard being in the middle and prolly getting blamed ,i think it works best when the words come  straight from the child  >>it gives the N the sudden realisation they are NOT wanted and whatever they say the kids dont want to have them in their lives they have had quite enough of their bloomin antics and dramas  .Your kids are having exams and thats enough stress for them too
obnoxious BB .
I feel sorry for your kids and mine too as i feel the same as you guilty for havin such an idiot for a father .Whats done is done though and we have to make the best of what we have left  .I hope your girls stick up for themselves and say NO to BB theres nothing he can do about it as its their choice isnt it NOT his  .

[overwhelmed]

I didn't read the other responses yet and I am pressed for time right now, will be back.  However, FABLOUS!!!  N used to do this to me every single time I ever left the relationship....I would get in such a tizzy......OVER NOTHING, but it felt like so much at the time and quite frankly, it still would/does.  The thought of BB and the egg pretending to want to see them, repulses me. 

Jenny, here's what he's doing.....it wasn't good enough that the D is final.....now he can keep his hooks in by proxy, now he can control you a new way.  You didn't think you were off the hook did you?  All that garbage in that e mail is just big bird talk for what I am telling you.  And, you poor dear think you spoke gently in his language to try and ensure he'd understand.  Oh he understands alright....YOU DON'T.  He purposely rewrites history, you know that.

Let me tell you my advice on what you do......step out of the line.  Swear to goodness sake if I had older kids and could actually make myself do such a thing, IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT TRULY MAKES SENSE.  Stepping out of the way of what he wants (control) will bore him.  He wants to see the girls and push the issue, only because he needs someone to get to, someone to blame and aren't you just perfect for the job?  Because you love them and because you know why they don't want to see him. 

When I say step out of the line of fire I mean like this, "Dear Big Bird, you have some fine ideas.  Here's mine.  I believe the children should have some say and probably would feel better about having some input.  At their age, as I'm sure you'll agree, they are people worthy of some say.  I support you getting with them on this matter. "

If he actually pushes the issue with attorneys and courts.....don't fret.  Your kids are surely old enough to speak on their own behalf and it hold some weight.  Next, all you can do is tell them, "it isn't up to me, you'll have to ask your dad, I'm sorry."  PERIOD.  Don't be the peace maker, don't answer for him.  Don't take it on as yours.  LET HIM DEAL WITH IT.  If the day ever comes that he gets it and takes them forceably, as hard as it will be, FAKE LIKE YOU HAVE A LIFE....be dressed and ready to go as if you have a date....seriously.  Not game playing.  He won't want you to get to do such things so taking them won't seem like as much fun.

N's ex did this because she actually was getting a life, guess what?  he hasn't taken them on his weekends in over 3 years.  Now, she compensates by not putting up a fuss over his random, don't even call before, stop overs once or twice a week right at dinner time, where he hangs out for an hour.  Then on occasion, he stops by on a weekend and hangs out for an hour or so and takes them to lunch.  Why?  because he realized he wasn't getting to her and prefers getting to her this way, a lot less work on him.

Of course he says they don't want to because of you, what the hell else is he going to say?  the truth?  see, it's BB language, it really means, "I don't care that I don't have a relationship with them, I just want to get to you and have a reason to blame to not look like a total loser, deadbeat and in order to fight something, that's what I do.....it's fun....jump."  But it comes out like this, "the reason they won't come with me and don't like me is because of you and you brainwashing them.  I'
I've had enough of you doing that and have been patient long enough.  I did that because I am the best dad ever."  See?  you have to decode it.

[Chime]

II spoke with my lawyer on another matter today by coincidence...and he said I might possibly get legal aid (free legal work) now I am officially unemployed...so that might help.

He also said that the first action would be for a Welfare Officer to come speak to the girls..and if they chose to talk about the throwing into door/squashing against the wall incident when questioned....BigBird would be told to Cluck off.

I don't know if this lines up with your situation -- but if this were my situation, the mere thought of a third party enacted to advocate on behalf of my girls, would be enough for disappearing dad to drop it. 
Some outsider hearing stories?  The mask would twinge tightly upon his face.
I would continue to make clear that you are all for option #1
I'd say it, write it, embrace and proclaim it in every way possible - especially in ways I could point to and say "see this?"
And in the meantime, explore/pursue all avenues to protect them and yourself.

so sorry you're going through this!
hang in there

 
Chime

[RB22]

Jenny,

This past weekend I was at a memorial service for my D's friend and mentor, a fiesty 25yo who passed away from bone cancer.  While there I had the opportunity to see a lot of people from my married-to-X days.  One of those friends, told me that he hasn't spoken to his girls in 3 years, that was what their mother (his X, a friend of mine) has done: she turned HIS girls against him.  I didn't get into it with him, I know the story of why HIS girls do not speak to him.  But the conversation struck me.... I know X has said the same thing about MY girls.  (A little ownership there )  The thing of it is... I didn't turn them away from X.

I just stopped facilitating their relationship. My X can contact HIS girls anytime he darn well pleases.. they have cell phones, he HAS their numbers.  He could CHOOSE to call them, he doesn't.  That is not my decision, but it is his.  And as a result the girls do NOT feel the need to Choose to call him.   

In my friends case, she and her girls went on their annual trip back to see her family.  They agreed to divorce the following year.. she came back on January 2 to a home that they shared only to have the keys NOT work in the locks.  He had them changed, while they were gone.  He would NOT give the girls their school books or any of their personal possessions UNLESS they chose to live with HIM.   Mom and the girls, and a friend or 2 (who shall remain nameless) broke into the house and took personal possessions back under their control.  It was ruled legal, later.   That is why the girls do not speak to him.

Jenny you just stopped facilitating his relationship with HIS girls.  Now that you are divorced he is responsible for his relationship with his girls.  You do not have to facilitate between them anymore.  But you can give your girls a clue and be there for them helping to control the damage is about bring upon them.  It's what I do with my girls... I have no control over their relationship with the X, but I do have some damage control experience in dealing with my X.  As you do with bigbird. 

Hugs,

RB

[overwhelmed]

Ok Jenny, I'm back....I have a few more areas to point out that you can give some thought to.  I know it is scary when N's start spewing all this stuff.  In our mind, we go straight to "react" because we want to resolve something.  Plus, we are so used to being in a tizzy, just like they want us to that one word and BAM, they were are acting as if it's happening right this very second.  If you haven't responded yet, don't.  He said "two weeks...."  hahaha.  Look at that, control.  Most people wouldn't put some sort of deadline on something.  Well, there is your brain thinking OH NO, I don't then in two weeks or he is going to do it if I don't, and so on.  It's the implications, one subtle one and we want to get to the end result, the unknown......because you never knew for so long that it's a feeling we can't hardly tolerate.  But, guess what?  the end of the line never quite happened.  We somehow thought it's because we did something right to stop it.  Don't get in this mode.

Here are a few more pointers.....don't talk for your girls to him.  You'll be playing right into his trap.  If he were normal, you could.  And because he isn't, we feel we absolutely have to because we know he won't listen....and you want to save your girls the frustration, just what he wants.  Also, he knows full well how you look when you speak for them.  You PROVE what he says.  Courts don't like mothers doing that anyway.  Have them speak to him.  Tell them in a very, rational way, not as if it IS GOING TO HAPPEN TOMORROW.  Tell them something to the effect of, "your dad is wanting to establish routined visitation with you guys.  How do you feel about that?"  Let them answer and I know you know the answer but listen again.  Then ask them, "why do you feel that way....."  then, "how does it make you feel to feel that way...."  Then insert your understanding, "yes, I can see why you feel that way and if it were me, I would feel that way to, I may also feel "abcd."  See, it's like you are talking about how you may feel AFTER they tell you how they view it and how they feel.  Then here comes the part......"I am here for you, I get your reality and you have appropriate feelings from it.  I wish I could tell him for you because I don't like to see you frustrated.  However, your dad believes or expresses the opinion that you guys think what you think because I tell you to think it.  Although I do not know he'll accept what YOUR opinion is and feelings are, he needs to hear that from you, not me and I am here for you."  Then tell them to write him a letter or call or meet in public or however or whatever they want to do.  Stay out of the middle.  You just be there for your d's in the fashion or one similar, I'm suggesting.  It makes you completely opposite him, which you are anyway. 

I can't stress enough, stop speaking to him for them, you're adding feul to his BB nest.  And, playing the part he's painting.  Step off the stage.  He wants a response from you to control and that is exactly how he views yours.

I wouldn't go lawyer up yet....through legal aide or not.  Let him do it first, if he wants to go that route, don't bring it on.  Let him.  Worry about that if/when it happens....or not worry, deal with.  Why bring on something you're prefer to not have brought on?  Besides, let him follow through for once, don't make it easy on him by making the choice from his declarations.

Do nothing.  Do nothing.  Do nothing.  His email, summed up, meant....JUMP..  Big bird says jump, jenny sits and sleeps. 

[MoreMyself]

Firstly, sorry that BB is putting you through this garbage.  My first thought was that he was triangulating you to get to his girls.  Second thought that he was testing you for supply - how much will you react and what will you do. 

Putting all that aside, the important thing is to support your girls in whatever they want.  They are at an age where they have made decisions and voiced them. 

I would not answer him at all.  That solves the triangulation and supply fishing.  I would talk to the girls without telling them the tone of the email, but explaining that their father wants contact and asking them what they want to do, then telling them that you are not judging anything they decide and will support them 100%.  I know you don't want to talk to them about it, but I can't see any way around it.  I would tell them that your goal is to get this resolved for once and for all so that they can get on with living their lives without the stress of feeling caught in the middle.  Give them some time to think it over and then take whatever action you need once they tell you what they want to do.  If they do not want to see him at this point then find out what can be done legally to support them in making this happen.  I honestly think you will need to get 3rd party support which would seem to be legal aid if he persists with threatening to go to court over this instead of doing what he should be doing - respecting what they want instead of trying to force what he wants.

[daisyk9292]

JW - I have few words of wisdom for you. It just plain sucks that you have to deal with such a cold hearted, selfish, overgrown baby. You barely had enough time to begin to feel a sense of freedom from this jackass, and now this stunt.

  Stay strong.

I wonder if he will ever contemplate WHY your girls choose not to be in close contact with him.

Well, clearly it's because of all her magnificent JW powers and her brainwashing them about what no good sack of shite he is. It couldn't possibly be because HE ACTUALLY IS ONE!! 

I'm sorry. I have a lot of anger coming out of me this week. Maybe because I've had a terrible head cold and I'm just miserable.

[RB22]

Jenny,

My X once yelled at me during an arguement that I " did nothing to help him with the girls"  along with a list of other things I stopped doing.  My answer... 'that is what divorced means, I do not have to do anything for you ... anymore." 

You are divorced from him, the girls are old enough to tell him what they think of him.. and I suggest they do it in front of another (not Jenny) human being such as HIS attorney.   

If my X sent such a note... I wouldn't respond right away.... I might respond on the deadline... if I did respond at all.  This is between him and the girls... he is using you in the triangle for supply. 

The Serenity Prayer would help me in times like this... This you have no control over.... you didn't break it-you can't fix it. 

Hugs,

RB

[JennyWren]

Finally the girls have gone to bed. 

Really thoroughly appreciate ALL of your responses....I just get entirely knocked down EVERY time by the immovable FACT that BigBird is just living in a different dimension....where I am cruel and vindictive....and he is utterly innocent and perfect.

It actually makes me feel physically sick.

I just have not dealt with it at all it seems. For brief moments I can stop thinking about his utter conviction that he is the victim....and I am the nasty bazturd. And then WHAM....along trots a ridiculous e-mail....which must be very special...because he spell-checked it....and the grammar isn`t all wonky. Straight out of BigBird world...his alternative reality.

In his world....he is so terribly hard done by....because I "got the children". Which is how he sees it. Anybody vaguely human knows the girls do not BELONG to me....but he thinks they do...when they should belong to him...or at least part shares. They are possessions. He has rights over them.

Well...you know what...I DON`T expect rights. They are human beings with legitimate feelings. Not objects with ownership documents. And I have always been prepared that they may turn out ANY which way. It`s their life....and their choices. My only constant aim is to help them be them...and hopefully lead a kind gentle wonderful life. If they want me in it...I will be delighted. But it is not my right. I have to earn their respect from the beginning. I extended them love....and encouraged them to be themselves always. And supported whatever they felt.

BigBird put nothing in. He never did stuff with them. Never communicated with them in anything but a silly clown-like way. If they fell and cut their knee...they would run to me. If they had a worry about school...they would come to me. They are exceptionally communicative...horribly articulate...and we talked about EVERYTHING. Always.

I witnessed BigBird letting it all slide past. I tried to intercept the inevitable trouble. I encouraged him to PLEASE spend time with them. He even acknowledged there was a problem. Neither girl would tolerate him at bedtime. So he forced them to let him put them to bed. And they cried. And he yelled at ME.

I wish with all my heart he had been ANY kind of a dad. He was not. He knows it. I know it. The girls know it.

For goodness sake....when BigBird whimped out of leaving because mad-gf was being TOO mad...both girls became terribly distressed. They begged me to make him LEAVE. That is an eye-opener I can tell you. It was the day long battle I had with older d...who said that if he stayed...she would go..that actually stopped me in my tracks. I was trying to fix a relationship to keep a family together...when the kids wanted nothing more than to see him gone.

That is where we are. It is how it`s always been. And he wants to blame me.

I have consciously stepped out of this for the past six months or so. When he has mailed me moaning about it...I have reminded him of the girl`s mobile numbers and emails. And suggested he speak dirrectly to them. When older d has ranted at me...I have suggested she tell him what she feels.

Older d has had several telephone calls with him. The last one she read him a prepared statement...because he always derailed her. She told him not to contact her.

Younger d is actually much more anti him. She is very intuitive...she communicates with me without words most of the time. She knows what I am thinking. So...of course....she had absolutley no hope of a relationship with BigBird who had no sensitivity whatsoever...and all the intuition of a rock. She will not speak to him at all.

Sooooooo....I think I will reply briefly to him when he has sweated for a bit. Just to say the girls are as ever most welcome to see or contact him whenever they like.

That is where my responsibility starts and ends. It is not my job to make them like him. If it was...I would fail.

Both girls have told multiple "outside" folks about how they feel about their dad. Teachers...the village postman(who told the whole village)...nonN members of BigBird`s family....friends. They are vocal and confident in their views.
If the slimey piece of grey putty wants to use the legal system...then the truth will come out. And I know that the girls will be heard...because even if he by some miracle got a document to say he could take them...he would have to knock them out first.

The sad thing is...the more stuff like this he pulls....the more he proves the girls right. And me wrong. When I suggest to them that they may mellow in the future. They say "Mum...you just don`t get it!"...but I am beginning to now.
I know this is not about the girls...and loving them. never once has he checked to see how they are doing in the new house. Never sent them a single penny except the legal minimum maintenance. Wouldn`t give them Christmas presents unless they agreed to go with him.

This is about power. It is about ownership. It is about winning. And I want to sew his head to the railway track.

[overwhelmed]

He sounds just like the egg....do you know that the egg accuses me of being "controlling?"     Right, if only I had any control over his roundness, he'd have long ago been cracked into many pieces, swept up and long gone.  You see, like big bird, he's never put our kids to bed, given a bath....yadda yadda yadda.  More, he's never even learned how to feed the baby upon my many attempts to teach him.  I tried to teach him because it was important, what if something happened to me?  Next, he would bark he wanted to learn but then when I'd try, over and over, he was busy or tired or pretending to be interested yet, wasn't really paying attention.  But the second I left, it was that I wouldn't teach him.  I wouldn't teach him because I keep the baby from him.  The same man who told me he could NOT hold the baby in the middle of the night because "he works and wished he could help....."  in the days where I lived off of two hours broken sleep.....FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS.  I would be in near tears with fatigue.  Finally, after a handfull of requests, I never asked again.  I bucked up and realized one day, far too soon, I'd treasure my long nights with perfection.  N had not a clue what he missed out on.....the baby and I would pace the floor, I'd sing him songs, I'd take mental pictures of how he felt, how he sounds, smells......all of it.  He'll never know such a special time.  Now look, here I am a year and half removed from those long nights as the baby sleeps through now that his sensory issues have calmed and I do miss those nights but I remember many parts of them.  I never asked N again because then, I'd be upset at his selfishness and it took away from my focus on who was really important and needing.  But now, N not knowing how to care for him at all, is all my fault.  And our D, her being scared of him is also.  Because I "overreact" and lie and put it in her head. 

I decided this time, I would not answer for him anymore.  If she tells me her Dad doesn't love her, I do not anymore say, "yes he does...."  I ask her why she thinks that, ask her how that makes her feel, then tell her I would probably feel the same way if I thought that.  I follow that with anything she asks me about him.  And I will forever.  I am not doing his job. 

Big bird comes to you with it so you will.  So you will feel you have to.  Because he knows you wouldn't want them to go kicking and screaming.  He knows they will and the easy way around it, is bully you so you'll do the work.  It would be awful if they had to go kicking and screaming....but until and or if that time comes, don't fret.  And even if it does, as you said, they'll know it is him doing it, not you.

I wish you'd sew his head to the tracks also, along with eggs. 

Big bird had no interest this past year because he was content putting his energy elsewhere.  All under the guise he was respecting your "advice/opinion/need"  yeah right   

[honeybearII]

If my X sent such a note... I wouldn't respond right away.... I might respond on the deadline... if I did respond at all.  This is between him and the girls... he is using you in the triangle for supply.

  ....RB22

ABSOLUTELY on this.  Jenny, while he might not like it, you are not the issue here and Ns need someone to be the fall guy or gal since they can NEVER admit that their behavior has alienated anyone.  Since his Ds don't want anything to do with him because of past issues, he has to blame someone and guess what???  divorce or no divorce, since he OBVIOUSLY cannot be the issue well then....VOILA!!  must be YOU.

I would simply send him a one-sentence reply: "This is between you and your daughters."

End of discussion and then see what happens.  Ns HATE IT when they don't have a go-between to smooth things over for them.  I remember clearly when I declared to my husband that I would no longer be the reconciler, the person in the middle, the smoother-over for him and his kids.  If he didn't know what was going on with them and I did, the guess what???  it was HIS responsibility to TALK TO THEM and find out.  Same way I did for years and years.  Man, was he ANGRY with me. 

Honey