another revelation in thinking

[alatariel]

I just had another breakthrough in thinking about how I think, but I thought I'd put it here rather than in my journal b/c I'd like to see if I'm the only one this applies to.

I'm actually sticking with the exercise program so far, and for the first time I can see it continuing past the 6-week goal, and it's actually helping me feel better in a lot of ways.   

I've always known that things like exercise, eating better, meditating, participating in a religious community, getting enough sunshine, gardening, playing games, doing puzzles, and other simple things like that can and do help ppl feel better.  So why haven't I ever been able to stay with these things before?  Many of them are free and don't take much time or effort.

Well, here's where the personal revelation comes in.  I don't think I could or would do them b/c

1. I didn't believe they'd work.  Some part of me knew that I could exercise 10 hours a day and meditate for the other 14, but it wasn't going to make life with an N any better.

2. Therefore, I chose staying with the N over feeling better.

3. Because I felt as though I didn't deserve to feel better.

4. And focusing on the N and his/her problems and running his/her life for him/her allowed me a pass from dealing with my own issues.

5. Not to mention that, every time I started to focus on me, the N panicked and created a drama to bring my focus back on him/her, or threw roadblocks in my way, or convinced me that whatever I was doing wasn't going to work anyways. 

6. While simultaneously berating me for not being able to stick with improving myself/doing things to make myself feel better.


AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

[Legs]

Geeze, Ala~~~~ we are polar opposites right now. I don't want to do any of that feel good stuff because I don't WANT to feel good. Nope. Not ever again. I want to stew in my delicious misery............I want to wind it all up and watch it go. I think alla dat exercise is going to your head! (but hey, if it works, it works. I just don't want you to get too healthy too fast because then you'll go away and I'll miss your smartassness)



Legs

[alatariel]

Hey, Legs, you're buying the stolen horse before the barn door is locked, or something.  Trust me, they will have destroyed the internet with SOPA and PIPPA and ACTA long before I get healthy, and I'll be here working on that until they do.  I haven't wanted to do anything the least possible bit "healthful" for months now.  I think part of that was backlash against the troll and all the time I spent listening to her constant blather about how bloody perfect she is. 

[Imogene]

Oh, yeah.  Familiar, all of it.  Great insights! 

In my case, I got the same stuff from my family of origin (especially the confusing double messages, who didn't want me to rely on them yet didn't want to lose my support), so that by the time I got with X, I so habituated yet sensitive to this behavior, that I really let it beat me down. 

[daisyk9292]

I've always known that things like exercise, eating better, meditating, participating in a religious community, getting enough sunshine, gardening, playing games, doing puzzles, and other simple things like that can and do help ppl feel better.  So why haven't I ever been able to stay with these things before?  Many of them are free and don't take much time or effort.

I used to do most of this stuff. I also was very kind, the family "peacemaker", the self sacrificing one, always the fastest to forgive, always the first to apologize, always the truth teller, etc.

I let go of (ok repressed) all traumatic experiences that happened and moved on and tried to be the best person I could possibly be.

This last one with Nexbf - I don't know if it was the straw that broke the camels back, a symptom of all that I repressed, or what. I woke up this morning, first thing I did when I opened my eyes was remember being with him, walking and holding hands. I burst into tears, that's how much it hurt.

The experience with him, the pain and sense of loss from it is more acute than any other I've experienced. It's even more painful to me than realizing I have dysfunctional N parents. I don't know what or why that is?

Best I can tell is it's probably because I feel it hurt my daughter indirectly by screwing up her home life. Something I had a great deal of pride in and swore I'd never fail at doing, the way my parents failed me. It hurt her, and it was for someone who cares not one iota for me. It was completely meaningless.  So the sting will never disappear.

I'd like to do all of those things FOR ME. Be the best person I can be. But honestly, I feel like if I let this last one go, get over it, move on with my life, become happy, healthy, loving and kind again, and life screws me over one more time,
I don't know if I'll survive it!

I think that's how my mind is dealing with it. Stay stuck = Stay safe. Life sucks, DO NOT EXPECT OR GO FOR MORE THAN THAT.

But I'm feeling like I'm really close to just giving up on life. Not ending it so to speak, but doing the bare minimum. Screw diet and exercise, screw fashion, screw having a home in perfect order and with latest decor, screw cooking, screw being kind and forgiving, screw trying to have healthy relationships with others.

SCREW THE WORLD.

[Rosemary]

I feel like Daisy and Legs dont want to bother doing much
Iknow what you mean though alatariel when your with a N they make sooooo much DRAMA  that you dont have time
for yourself ,they make damn sure of that  .Now you have the time to do just asyou please for yourself , and take care for the first time in ages .~~~WELL DONE ~~~ 

You show the NS Alatariel  ,but i myself havent got the energy at the moment  ,it may come in springtime  or when the divorce is through ,for now im hibernating .   

[RB22]

I get it... like when I wanted to take a class at the Community College. It met on Monday evenings for 1 hour and had 2 hours online during the week.  My dad gave me the money for it...I asked X if he would watch the kids that night.  He agreed to the 8 week class, because he wanted me to fulfill my dream of finishing my degree. 

At week 3 he was late home, making me late for class.  Week 4 he had something else to do for work and couldn't get out in time for me to make class.  Week 5 he had another excuse as to why he couldn't watch the kids... maybe I should drop the class, after all I haven't been going much, it probably would be better because he didn't know WHEN he could commit to watching the kids on Mondays again.  He has to work to support us yanno!  I gave up.   Then he told me how I wasn't disciplined enough to finish the class. How I always give up... I did to him. How I wasted HIS money.. he paid for the gas for me to drive about 2 miles and back on mondays.. not to mention he paid for the family computer that I used for the online part. 

The part that bothers me the most about this... I can see it... but I have trouble explaning it... and the fact that I ALWAYS gave in to his drama.... Always.

[alatariel]

At week 3 he was late home, making me late for class.  Week 4 he had something else to do for work and couldn't get out in time for me to make class.  Week 5 he had another excuse as to why he couldn't watch the kids... maybe I should drop the class, after all I haven't been going much, it probably would be better because he didn't know WHEN he could commit to watching the kids on Mondays again.  He has to work to support us yanno!  I gave up.   Then he told me how I wasn't disciplined enough to finish the class. How I always give up... 

when were you married to dickhead?  does he have a brother I didn't know about?  He did this to me so often, whether it was a class or a JOB I had, if I was dependent on him to be able to do it he made damn sure he controlled the whole thing and stood in my way as much as possible, while making it look like he wasn't standing in my way on purpose.

[daisyk9292]

Now I feel like a shite head. My H has been so supportive of me since I went back to school. He does whatever it takes to keep me going. He even tutors me on the hard math stuff and I'm not a fun student when it comes to math!

Of course if we do divorce, he wants me to be able to earn a good income. I'm sure he doesn't want to pay alimony forever! He's no dummy. But even though our marriage hasn't worked out well for reasons of it's own, he is overall a dependable guy. I know he wants his daughter to have 2 parents who are doing alright, no matter what happens.

I need to stop so much self pity and start being a bit more grateful.

[RB22]

Alatariel,

My X has many brothers from different mothers.

Daisy,  It took my marriage falling apart around my ears and being out of his controlling clutches a few years for me to even REALIZE things happened the way they did.  And even that was after I sat back and watched my X do the same thing over and over again to My kids. I kept asking myself when did he change... he was always soo supportive... but reviewing my journals from during my marriage... He hasn't changed... I HAVE. 

I may not be motivated to do much right now... but someone once told me that these 'lack of motivation spells'  are really storing up energy and planning stages for when I do feel motivated.  Some of these spells are where I read and realize... just how much I let him keep me sidetracked from my dreams.  THAT will not happen again.

My X wanted me employed when we divorced, We moved 13 years earlier and I gave up my career supporting us to be a stay at home mom.  There is nothing in this area in my former field.  Not to mention that I had been out of the field for 13 years.  He wanted me employed so he wouldn't have to pay that much in CS.  I didn't have a job when he left.. I was completely dependent on him.  I did manage to get rehabilitative alimony so that I could pay for school ... but he wouldn't keep up his end of the MSA about paying 1/2 of insurance co-pays for 4 kids.. not that they totalled the alimony amount... but when I went to pay.. I didn't have the amount of money I should have.   Even after the divorce he was sabotaging me and I was allowing it.

Hugs,

RB

[Imogene]

RB,
I'm so glad you have posted on this, because my experience was so similar, and I have carried around a lot of shame over it.  First off, X said and acted like he didn't care if I worked.  He made plenty of money, and on top of that he could (and did) travel the world for free due to his job.  He had considerable freedom, and my accommodations to his schedule made it possible for him to travel several times a month even when my daughter was quite young. 

Nevertheless, he constantly complained that he was not able to work as much as he wanted to and that there were colleagues getting ahead of him because he didn't get into the office early enough.  He would set up business trips and then gaslight me into thinking he'd discussed them with me ahead of time.  A couple times I would schedule night classes, and suddenly he would have to go out for a business dinner the same night I needed him home with my daughter.  This never happened when I took an evening class BEFORE we had a child, only after we did.  Both evening courses ended with my dropping out because I missed too many classes and feeling like a failure because I never completed anything I started.  This is something he threw back in my face with a vengeance during the d&d.

Like you, I lived in a state of low-grade depression for years, always doing what needed to be done to get by but nothing more.  All the home improvement projects and gardening that used to fill my days seemed pointless, because of course I would screw them up or they would be not enough to justify not working.  Those were miserable years, now that I look back on them.

[daisyk9292]

 RB22- I really feel like women have it tougher than men in so many ways. Whether you've been married to a N or not. Our options seem so limited. No matter which path you choose you face judgement from others. Mostly women! At least that's been my experience. I believe I threaten most of the women on my street because my H and I have separated. It's very leave it to beaver around me.

 I've been a stay at home mom for almost 10 yrs now, I supported my H in his career, his going back to school, in anything he wanted to do. All I did was take care of our D, the home, and was his wife. I didn't complain. But now it's my turn to grow. I'm scared but I have to do this.

There have been opportunities through my university for internships in my field. With really good companies. I've wanted to try for them, but when I asked my H he always says the same thing, "Not now, the timing isn't good" "Just keep going to school until you finish then we'll plan your next move"

It's as if I have no say so in the matter. He is the one paying for tuition and everything else. Financially he's being very generous, but I do feel, if I rock the boat even just a little, I'll shoot myself in the foot in some way or be punished by him.

I may not be motivated to do much right now... but someone once told me that these 'lack of motivation spells'  are really storing up energy and planning stages for when I do feel motivated.  Some of these spells are where I read and realize...

This resonates with me. When I get like this, I stop and remind myself, I've been going non-stop for years, reacting, to family, my H, to life. I've NEVER had the chance or taken one,  to stop and ask myself, "What do I really need, and what do I really want?" Or most importantly, "Who the Hell am I?" Who am I without being told by others who I am, how I am and how it's wrong or right in their eyes?

I'm only now just discovering my own values, my own beliefs, how to follow my own path. Just now realizing I have the right to do that, so long as it isn't something that hurts others in some way and I'm not neglecting my daughter. Which I'm not.

Better late than never for us though, right?

I know the old "I have to find myself" is so cliche. But for me it is the honest to goodness truth. I really did have to. I've been living like a wind up doll for most of my life.

[alatariel]

    I may not be motivated to do much right now... but someone once told me that these 'lack of motivation spells'  are really storing up energy and planning stages for when I do feel motivated.  Some of these spells are where I read and realize...


This resonates with me. When I get like this, I stop and remind myself, I've been going non-stop for years, reacting, to family, my H, to life. I've NEVER had the chance or taken one,  to stop and ask myself, "What do I really need, and what do I really want?" Or most importantly, "Who the Hell am I?" Who am I without being told by others who I am, how I am and how it's wrong or right in their eyes?

I'm only now just discovering my own values, my own beliefs, how to follow my own path. Just now realizing I have the right to do that, so long as it isn't something that hurts others in some way and I'm not neglecting my daughter. Which I'm not.

Better late than never for us though, right?

I know the old "I have to find myself" is so cliche. But for me it is the honest to goodness truth. I really did have to. I've been living like a wind up doll for most of my life.

So, maybe the past 6 months, during which I came to nearly a complete halt, isn't something I have to be ashamed of, or allow it to define me as a lazy, worthless loser?  I'm sure it could be defined as a MLC, except that I didn't buy a sports car or start sleeping with 20-yr-olds.  Maybe I had to come to a halt so that I could finally stop RE-acting and learn to ACT like myself.  My actual self, whoever that is, rather than the self the N's always told me I was.

[RB22]

When we give so much of ourselves to others that we can't remember who we are... or when asked have an opinion on small stuff... we have lost our'self'.    I know I did. 

So finding myself while cliche is accurate.  I am not having MLC, but I am re-evaluating my life, where it's going, where I want to be 5 (10,15,20) years from now.  What kind of friends I want in my life.. things I want to learn, do, see.   People who I want to take with me into the future... others who I think need to be left behind...

But I am Not throwing a lifestyle (and all that entails) down the drain... my MLC is milder, more evolutionary than abrupt... with a conscious effort to decide just who is RB?

Maybe I had to come to a halt so that I could finally stop RE-acting and learn to ACT like myself.  My actual self, whoever that is, rather than the self the N's always told me I was.

When I finally allowed myself the gift of time (to do nothing)  One night I found myself along in my house radio on (saturday night '80's) and dancing my heart out.  It was not something I planned, it just felt good and fun to do..... I was giggling all over the place... I felt so ALIVE.  More alive than I had felt in many many years.... it was spontaneous... and I loved it and at that moment I can say I felt love for me.  Something I hadn't felt in a long long time.  It was freeing... and I hadn't had a drop of alcohol to drink..it was all ME!! 

I forgot that I loved to dance.  How could I forget that?  I have 4 daughters... they all took dance classes/twirling... It really hit home how much of myself I lost in being a wife/mother and how much I put myself on the back burner... Don't get me wrong, I think everyone in a family has to take turns in putting themselves on the back burner... especially in a large family... But to stay on the back burner... NO! 

I know I needed a break from the N for a bit, in order to learn coping skills to use.  This way when he said jump... I took a deep breadth  and counted...and counted... before I could act.  before that time.. if he said a"jump", I did one of 2 things.. jumped or argued. LOL.  It was Act or React... instead of now it's a thought process.. my brain gets engaged.. before it didn't.   

[daisyk9292]

So finding myself while cliche is accurate.  I am not having MLC, but I am re-evaluating my life, where it's going, where I want to be 5 (10,15,20) years from now.  What kind of friends I want in my life.. things I want to learn, do, see.   People who I want to take with me into the future... others who I think need to be left behind...

I believe ALL human beings need to reflect, re-evaluate where they are in life, what they're doing, challenge themselves to grow in whatever ways they need to. It's a constant process in life. Ideally, it would be nice if many are able to do it through the many different stages. I think it happens more often in midlife though. Especially for those like us, who weren't even close to living a genuine life at any stage!

 There's always more to learn. Nobody is perfect, you keep learning, keep growing, until you're elderly and about to depart.

Some never do this. Any change, any new way of looking at things is just too scary. It can be painful, WE are facing our pain, we are trying learn from it, become responsible to ourselves and to others.

The MLC label, it's become a convenient excuse for those who aren't really interested in changing, or taking a second look at themselves, it's just protective shield to say, "Hey this is why I'm behaving so badly, I can't help it"

[alatariel]

Besides, a sports car is terribly impractical for running kids and all their friends around, especially if there's a 20-yr-old gigolo taking up one of the seats.

[daisyk9292]

   I don't know, where there's a will there's a way! Just ask any N.