YOU are out of this world SPECIAL!

[daisyk9292]

This is the title of a work sheet my 9 year old D brought home from school. Part of the school guidance program.

To remind myself that I am OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD SPECIAL, I will: (this is what my daughter wrote) 

1. Spread kindness
2. Practice giving
3. Give compliments to my classmates.

Instead how about a worksheet that says, "HOW TO BE KIND TO OTHERS" or "WAYS TO SHOW EMPATHY"

Why does YOU ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD SPECIAL have to be name of the sheet?

Is that asking for too much??

I don't know if this is good or bad. But I get concerned about pushing the "YOU ARE SO SPECIAL" stuff down kids throats and I think it's a valid concern!!

Anyone care to share thoughts?

[alatariel]

The local schools here are doing a program called "bucket fillers", where kids are reminded to "fill each other's buckets" with kindness.  They get rewards and recognition for doing kind things for peers and teachers, and are taught about the difference between "bucket filling" behaviors like taking turns, sharing, being kind, saying nice things, etc. and "bucket dipping" behaviors like mocking, being mean, selfish, or physically hurtful.

http://www.bucketfillers101.com/

I question whether they had to spend our precious few educational dollars buying a program they could do perfectly well in-house, but I like the sentiment.

[pearlsb4swine]

I think those programs are well-meaning, but use of the word "special" is a mistake.  Everyone isn't special, nor is it healthy to teach kids they have to be special to be OK.  I don't understand why they can't teach kids that they are important, worthy, that they matter--but that so is/does everyone else.  I went to Catholic grammar school, and though they got some things wrong, they did teach us that each one of us was a child of God and therefore infinitely precious and worthy to Him.  ALL of us.  Not a bad lesson to learn.

pearls

[daisyk9292]

Yes, pearls, that's the it. The "special" part. I don't like it. I don't think showing kindness to others makes you particularly special. It makes you kind. Simple. Why do kids have to be convinced they are so SPECIAL? 

[Imogene]

That sounds like a vestige from the "self-esteem movement" of the last decade.  Some kids do need more self-esteem, but pearls makes a good point--not everyone is special, or a leader, or what have you.  And yes, it would be better just to teach the golden rule and leave the self-congratulations out of it.

[talia]

That sounds like a vestige from the "self-esteem movement" of the last decade- Imogene

That's what it sounds like to me, too, Daisy.

[daisyk9292]

Yes, I agree. When I saw the title on the page I thought, "Are you kidding me?" but I'm so touchy about narcissism now, everything that point to it sets me off.

Right or wrong, I told my D during dinner last night, "I'm happy you are kind to others. You are a kind person, but that doesn't make you special. Everyone had unique gifts and talents but nobody is more special than anyone else.

She said, "God is special" lol we don't even go to church!! I said, "Yes, she is." lol

[MoreMyself]

This sounds like what Jean Twenge wrote about in The Narcissism Epidemic.  How the pendulum has swung too far to the side of promoting self esteem that we fail to understand we are promoting narcissism.  I remember growing up in the dark ages (seems like it anyway).  When the school held any kind of competition like sports days, there were 3 winners - first, second, third.  Fast forward to my sons' days at school.  Half the class would get some kind of award. 

I don't like the word special.  The Hobbit thought he was special which lead to the next step in his thinking, entitlement.  Entitlement is nasty.  Well done to discuss this with your D.

[JennyWren]

There are so many Politically Correct bandwagons to get run over by these days. Speaking openly to kids about how these ideas make them feel, as you outline daisy, just puts them in perspective a bit.

My d`s last School Sports Day was "non-competitive". That meant that they did activities in groups, so as nobody was singled out as "last".

How ridiculous. Some people are hopeless at Sports...and will come last every time. Tough. They will undoubtedly be fabulous at other things. It`s all part of leaning about who you are surely?

But...oh no....the "All Must Have Prizes" brigade have taken over. Maybe at the 2012 Olympics...they will encourage the hundred metres runners to hold hands and cross the line together, in case one of them cries and wants their mummy.

The homogenous lumping of everybody together under the same banner of non-specific Specialness is just silly. How could EVERYBODY be special anyway. If every human on the planet has to be Out of this World Special.....that makes Out of this World Special totally ordinary...and not special at all. Surely.

[RB22]

It's funny, but BF and I were having a conversation similar to this a few days ago. 

I had 3 of my 4 girls with me at a memorial service last week. We saw people we hadn't seen in years.  It was good to see them and ALL of them commented on how beautiful my girls are.  I don't think my girls are beautiful, they aren't ugly, but I do not consider them beautiful.  I put more emphasize on what is inside... then what is on the outside. 

BF says my girls (and I) are beautiful and the best thing about us is... we don't act like we know we are.  We don't, because I don't think (I know I don't,anyway) we think about ourselves as beautiful. 

And if one of my kids said "I'm Special" to the other... other would add.. "yep, Ed."  Which is an inside joke to this family not usually shared with anyone outside the family... because people would be offended and my kids don't want to offend.  But it does manage to tone down the entitlement a bit.

[alatariel]

One of the reasons I loathe sports so much is that every single gym class in Elementary and Jr. High schools involved some wretched team sport, in which I would be chosen last b/c I was so terrible at anything involving a ball.  Not only were the other kids allowed to make fun of me, the gym teachers would often say mean things, too, b/c all the emphasis was on competition and winning, not on playing the game.  The kids followed the teacher's lead, and I was blamed if my team lost, and if my team won, I wasn't allowed to join the happiness in b/c someone would surely point out the fact that I struck out once, or missed a basket or whatever that cost them a point.

But, when I got to high school, the gym teachers there were more focused on actually learning skills, teamwork, and playing the game, not on winning.  This didn't make me any better at sports, but it made it less likely that the other kids would be so abusive toward me, b/c they followed the teacher's lead.

I agree that the whole "self-esteem" thing has swung too far the other way, but we need to find some middle ground between "win at all costs, and find a scapegoat when you don't" and "everyone is a winner".

[JennyWren]

I agree entirely with you Alatariel, in that there needs to be a happy medium between the two extremes. In my opinion though...sport is by it`s very nature competitive. And it IS about winning. It is NOT about squashing people psychologically if they lose. But actually...losing well is an extremely important skill for children to learn...and that can not happen if the message is given that only the person who wins has any value...and those who do not can be abused.

There is absolutely no point whatever running a track race and so on if you don`t care if you win. The problem comes if the child who is last is treated as inferior and useless. Kids will naturally fall into this....picking on others when in packs is horribly instinctive for them. And that is clearly the responsibility of a teacher/adult to teach that this is not acceptable.

In the classroom itself...you will always find the child who comes top every time in Maths. Nobody would dream of denying that child the right to work individually and develop that talent...and say he/she must work as a group instead. Kids who come last in class often have an equally yucky time being treated as though they are stupid. When their only crime is to not have an affinity with numbers.

Kids who struggle academically are sometimes really gifted at Sports. And I just hate the way they are not given the opportunity to shine because adults are afraid other kids might not like to lose. It`s not difficult. You just need to create a culture whereby bullying is just not tolerated...in the classroom, on the sports field, in the playground. And I have worked in schools where this has been done very effectively.

I think that`s the happy medium. Don`t run away from the possibility of losing. But rather ensure that the experience is balanced by all the good stuff. It`s OK to be useless at Sport. It`s OK to be hopeless at Maths. It`s fine to be absolutely tone deaf.

...which reminds me of a lad in ds class a year ago who is exceptionally gifted at EVEYTHING...and I mean flaming genius-ville....but oh boy....he had no clue when it came to singing. Bless his little heart. He would loudly and ear-botheringly screech a completely different tune...if it were a tune at all. But the other kids just smiled and put their arm round him and carry on.

It`s all about accepting and respecting each other as a whole package. That`s my opinion. Not denying experiences for fear of failure. That in itself suggests failure is a disaster. No it`s not...kids must learn to pick themselves up and dust themselves off and get on with it. While holding a hand out to others around doing the same.

Kids....and adults for that matter....who treat people badly ARE losers in my opinion. And they should not be allowed to narrow the experiences of the rest of the world just because they are big nasty bullies.

Maybe I am an idealist. But I have seen it taught and held to in schools.

[JennyWren]

PS....I should also say that I too HATED school sports. And I was good at them...but I hated the pushing shoving "Me first" attitude of the Sporty Elite. Sure...I could beat them on a track...I could jump further...throw further.....and then they would get me back later. And they were just very spiteful. In the end I couldn`t be bothered with it all...and stopped competing...to become the lazy bazturd you see before you today. 

[RB22]

(((((((Alatariel))))))

What you experienced was abuse.  Sad that the teacher set the tone for it and participated in it and didn't try to teach the other children more tolerance. 

I think the reason why the teachers in HS spent more time teaching skills was because those who wanted to compete could represent the HS on a team.  Whether that team be sports based or intellectually based... so everyone had an outlet for their competitive side. 

In elementary school, the kids are competing on fields with outside sports, dance competitions, music competitions... etc.  When I was a Teacher Assistant at the elementary level, Our elementary was selected for a couple of studies in Physical Education classes... one having to do with obesity in children and one having to do with preventing bullying. I was involved with the bully prevention study. 

We were asked over 2 years to notice kids going out of their way to help other kids.  The study wanted to know how to get kids to work together as a team.   I noticed those kids who were very competitive in a club sport outside the school were very good about trying to teach the kids who would have been the next Aratariel in the class. If a kid wanted to learn... a club kid stepped up and had a mini lesson by a peer. The exercise didn't take more than 5 minutes. But the benefits we found in our school went WAY beyond the PE class.   The club kids would make the time to help their student perfect their skills when the opportunity presented itself outside of the PE class.  It was a really good study, we had over 80 kids on a field at a time... 4 adults.. and having the PE instructor (who HATED bullies)  we had... it made an impression on those kids... a lot of grades improved a benefit noone anticipated.  I bet a lot of self esteem was raised.... I know the respect level increased in the school... you could just feel it.

This study is supposed to be released AFTER these kids graduate... the last class graduates in 2015.  I am looking forward to reading it.

[Rosemary]

R.B. that sounds an interesting study schools need something like that .
I also was terrible at PE im just not competitive and didnt seethe point in running about after balls etc  ,i was too short for Basket ball /long jump/highjump  etc  .Only good thing was hitting the bullies when it was HOckey  mmm that shifted them  a good wack on the shins .

Calling someone" SPECIAL" has a very different meaning in UK schools its a term used for "special /needs "children with disabilties , or  needing help with their work ,they call them "SPECIAL " i think its a stupid name but thats what they use .

[RB22]

Rosemary,

They put the kids with 'special' needs in 'Special' Education (Ed) Classes in the US also. Hence, my kids "I'm so Special"  and the retort "yep, Ed". 

 

 

[Rosemary]

RB i wondered what that term meant   about Ed  ???? i was thinking it was a persons name ,silly me   

so over in U.S. they have classes just for special needs ,here they learn alongside the mainstream  ,but with teaching assistants if needed .

[Legs]

we USED to have "special" classes for "special needs" kids, now (as I understand) they are "mainstreamed" with all the other kids which apparently doesn't do anyone any good, but that's the law.


Legs, who could be wrong about this part but that's how it was the last time I heard anything about it

[RB22]

You are right leggs, the kids are mainstreamed in a regular school.  Some kids need extra help.. so 'adjustments'  are made.. such as instead of staying lost in a regular class the kids are removed for a couple of hours each day and given extra instruction (time to figure out concepts, basically more practice ) in certain areas...These classes are the 'special ed'  classes.  or in my school they are called "ESE" classes.  Teacher's get kids with medical issues, mental issues, and emotional issues...in the same class.  the teacher needs to be part teacher, part nurse, and part therapist in order to survive in these classes. Those that do ... tend to stay in it and love the classes and the kids.

[Rosemary]

R B i used to work with special needs kids and i loved it .It was a very worth while thing to do .    

[alatariel]

I've subbed as a Teacher Aide in the "special needs" classes in one school, and I have to give a huge mountain of respect to those teachers.  The rooms I've been in have nominally been "Jr High" classes, but they have everything from kids with Down's Syndrome, to kids who are just "learning disabled".  As one teacher said to me, "these kids may be learning on a first grade level, but physically and emotionally they are Jr High kids, and we need to treat them that way." 
Some of the kids stay in the "special" class all day, some are mainstreamed into "regular" classes for different subjects, and the teachers have to keep track of it all, teach all the subjects to the kids who are there all day and keep track of all the classwork done in the "regular" classes so they can help the "mainstreamed" kids.

[daisyk9292]

My daughter has had an IEP since kindergarten. She is now in 3rd. She is considered "special needs" basically her main issues are processing, not getting distracted and staying on task etc. She is in a main classroom and there is absolutely no reason for her not to be. She can follow the regular curriculum and is doing quite well with some adjustments, when they're implemented properly, but they haven't been!

The teacher isn't following the IEP (which by law they are required to)  or communicating with us and it's been very frustrating! We have to email her constantly to get updates on how certain things are working, she has made notes on certain things, that if the IEP had been followed wouldn't have been an issue, such as the use of adapted paper for printing letters.

They're supposed to allow her extra time on tests. But they haven't been. She can get 40/40 correct on a math facts test when not timed, but when they do the 2 min tests, she scores 17/30.

Special needs today is VERY broad, for instance another student who is in her main class, has melt downs several times a week now, flips his desk over, the whole class is cleared to the hall way until the teacher gets him calmed down, and then they are brought back in. My daughter has a problem with not being distracted, yet she's in a room with this student. Plus there is an aide in the room to help my daughter focus on math work, but she is split with the boy who has melt downs. Guess who gets the most attention?  We are very confused, as there are 3 classrooms for 3rd grade.

We have been in a battle this whole year with the school trying to understand what is going on. The regular learning support teacher is on maternity leave, so there is a sub for the year. We have new principal as well. So all the key players in creating the IEP for this year are gone.

There are no easy answers for school today. It's a pain in the ass, for parents and for teachers. But the most important thing is what's best for the kids.

Our school district is lacking in staff to cover special needs of any kind really, because they're best for just the status quo. But there are more kids than ever before being qualified under law for an IEP.

The system is dysfunctional. We are in a top rated school in the state and country too.

Very stressful, but we feel lucky that our daughter's needs aren't that complex. She just got her report card and did very well for the term, I'm happy to say.

[RB22]

((((daisy))))

I was the aid for one third grade and 5 fifth grades.  45 minutes per class.  I was the TA who would take your D out for her test and help her with her other subjects.  I wasn't in the ESE class but I had kids with IEP or IAP who were mainstreamed and spent most (if not all) of the day in a regular classroom. 

Your D's class room situation sounds almost out of control. I don't know about your school district but ours has standardized testing for promotion beginning in 3rd grade.  If they do not score at least a 3.. they will not be promoted.  I know with kids who have IEP and IAP there are other criteria taken into consideration for promotion.  And one of them was emotional readiness.  The school year (in US) is more than half over.. and that child sounds no further forward on his path of  being able to control his emotions.  4th grade is a tough year... LOTS of things going on... lots of new concepts introduced...etc.  I hope this child is NOT in your D's class next year or I would have a fit.

Of course... I say that.  And my D had a boy in her kindergarten class, Ben.  The first day of school he expanded the vocabulary of the kindergarten.  He locked himself in the bathroom.. when the other aid went to get him... he tried to slam her head in the doorway.  Needless to say he spent the rest of the day and week in the office.  the following week he started in a different class... and I didn't see him till my D and he were in second grade together.   He was a model student.... my D's motivating purpose was to beat Ben at weekly timed math problems for most of the year.  He was top math student for the class.. she was top girl.   She doesn't associate the kid that first week of school with Ben from second grade... it was a good thing to switch him to a different class.  But funny that they don't remember it being the same kid.

Hugs for you and your D... so good that she did well even with all those distractions...

[smp]

This may seem harsh, but...as a classroom teacher I am sick and tired of awards! I now have 18 kids and I have to give 17, yes, 17, different awards.  I can remember the secretary's son was in my room one year - because she wanted him to get an award (Perfect Attendance) she made him come to school with a 103 fever and throwing up. He just had to be in his seat while I took roll, then she took him home so he did not miss out on the stupid award.

I am non competitive by nature myself. I bought into, and still believe I am only in competition with myself to make progress, do the best I can. We now have the entire library wall filled with each student's name - every time they get 80% or higher on a test (kept track of by the office, not me) they get a star next to their name. 80% would be a 3 (meaning proficient) or higher (90-100% is a 4, or advanced)  75% - or what we knew as a C, is no longer acceptable - it is cause for great concern and intervention. We are driving our kids into insanity - all because George Bush's mom and dad had no idea he couldn't read!  Sorry, I will get off the political soapbox now!!

I went to a training for our new Language Arts program - aka English! We were told we are NOT to tell a kid they have the right answer when they have one in discussions with the whole class, because that can make the students who did not have the right answer to "feel bad!!" This is nuts.

I personally was absolutely awful at sports - but I had so much fun just playing - even through high school! Yes, I was usually picked towards the end - but I did not seem to concern myself because I knew I would be on a team! In my own classrooms - I never allow the students to pick teams - I always just announce them.

And my kids and I also have a special ed joke to keep our feet on the ground - "I think I hear the short bus coming up the driveway." Yes, it really isn't nice - but it gets the point across within the family.

Just to keep all informed - California spends $500,000,000.00 to give the exit exam to students EVERY YEAR. Gee - I wonder where else that money could go? Oops, I did say I would get off my political soapbox -

[Imogene]

Yes, the whole thing is idiotic.  My daughter's school is doing their annual read-a-thon.  The money raised goes to provide books to a school with fewer resources, which is great.  But the kids get prizes for fund-raising, which really annoys me, because that becomes their primary motivation, completely overshadowing the purpose of the activity.  Could they never learn that being charitable was a reward unto itself--or not even a reward, but a duty?

This may seem a bit off topic, but it's all a part of the same thing.  It's like the right values are out there still, but they have become commodities and buzzwords all lined up on a shelf and available for the right price. 

Okay, now I'll get down off MY soapbox. . .