leave me alone already!

[alatariel]

I shouldn't have opened it, you know what they say about cats and curiosity.

Yup, you guessed it, email from the troll.

How are you?

I've talked with [my friend P] from time to time and she has said things are good
for you. I'm glad to hear that. Can't lie or deny...I've missed your
friendship. WE went too far beyond a comfortable place and well, here it
stands.

I just wanted to let you know that I think about you and hope all is well
for you and the boys.

 

What, does she really want to flaunt her new boyfriend/supply in my face THAT badly?  Or is he sick of having to date around her kids' schedules and she wants a free babysitter/kid chauffeur so she can run off and get laid?

Probably, knowing her, it's a twofer.

But wait, there's more!  Yep, you got it, both the "flaunting new supply" and the "dumping kids on you" can be yours today, and if you act now, we'll throw in a one-way trip to D&D Land! 

[Proud2B]

Alatariel,
It's not uncommon for N's to 'check in' once in a while, trolling for supply (pun intended).  How long has it been since you've had direct contact with the Troll?

It seems three months of NC, then a blast from the past is standard.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Just remember, any contact (even negative stuff like saying "leave me alone") is supply to an N.

(((((Hugs)))))
Proud2B

[Legs]

<< WE went too far beyond a comfortable place and well, here it stands.>>


Ok, not that it's any of my biz, did ya'll have girls tacos or not???? Dog, she sounds like a condescending, overbearing piece of work. As Ala would say, "Blachhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

You're well rid her of Her Wonderfulness. PLEASE don't give her the pleasure of a reply. She's just yanking your chain. Well, I shouldn't say that 'cos it's bossy, but that just my opinion. I know we're not generally supposed to give it, but that that ever stopped me??????????


Legs, who thinks I would be a good match for the Troll...when I was little, I could absolutely not STAND to hear the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff because the troll under the bridge scared me too much..also could not stand to see those flipping flying monkeys, but as time has gone on, I have come to love the flying monkeys and I am sure I could fix the troll's wagon for her whether she thought it needed fixin' or not

[RB22]

Thank you Leggs... 

Alatariel,

I usually do not respond to N's email unless there is a question.  Troll's email has a question, but she goes on to answer it.  So don't bother with an answer... sounds like a fishing expedition to me.

No reply=no supply. 

Expect a supply check every so often.... it happens when you give good supply

[alatariel]

Oh, h-e-double-hockey-stick NO, I didn't reply.  There's nothing to reply to.  Let's see, it's been just over a month since I replied to that text she sent me (from her daughter's phone) about her "surprise b'day party".  She seems to average out to trying to contact me about once every six weeks.

No, Legs, dear, we didn't ever do a damn thing.  In fact, in the whole 3 years I knew her, I never even gave her a platonic hug.

Well, thank all the Gods and Goddesses for WoN.  And thank you all for reading and backing up my decision not to reply.

[daisyk9292]

Ok, not that it's any of my biz, did ya'll have girls tacos or not????

 

Legs, you are too much!!

Alatariel - I was so jealous to read the Troll sent you a message. So dysfunctional I know!! I wish I could let go of the wishing and wanting that the N will try and reach out to me someday. It drives me nuts, that I am basically dead to him now and he's still camped in my head.

I'd love to have the chance to write on here, that I've heard from him, and for those on here to tell me, DO NOT RESPOND. To realize that by not doing so I reclaim my power. I'll never have that chance.

The Troll gave you a gift by sending that message. An opportunity to ignore her, and show how strong you really are.

[Chime]

No reply=no supply. 

RB - Love this quote!

Alatariel -- good job on the NC!  you're my hero!
let me know if you need me to mail you a vibe tincture.
not sure the scathing scarcasm will work on trolls.
 
Chime

[JennyWren]

What does work on trolls is Large Billy Goats clip-clopping over their bridge and goring them to death before finishing them off in the raging river.

[Legs]

Am thinking I could fake it and make it as a Billy Goat now since I'm eggless and I have a some fierce chin hairs. Four at last count but they are black! (and speaking of this...hope this is not too graphic, but do you think that um, the nether hairs can actually migrate to the chin/mustache area????)


Legs, who still thinks that lost sock mutate into wire hangers

[alatariel]

Daisy, you can have troll if you want an N to contact you!  Though I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy.  (actually I might wish her on dickhead...)

The absolute truth of the matter is that I was dead to her before I walked away. I only mattered in terms of what I could do for her, otherwise I wasn't supposed to exist and make damn sure I didn't do anything to draw attention to my existence.

As for her bogus email, she doesn't miss "my friendship".  She misses:

free babysitting, any time, even with no notice
free chauffeuring of her kids, even if it was out of my way or inconvenient
free alcohol (I always brought my own and enough to share)
free designated driver services
free rides (we always took my car, but she never chipped in for gas)
free counseling/therapy (I always listened to her endless monologues about life, the universe and everything)
free pet-sitting services (and rides to vet visits)
free labor for home-maintenance/improvement projects
someone who put up with her batsihit-crazy family and would attend family functions with her
someone who sat through her kids' sports events with her (even though I hate sports)
someone who answered the phone any time, day or night
someone who was happy to do boring things like hang out at her house, or go grocery shopping or whatever, just for the company
someone who helped organize, plan, and carry out her kids' b'day parties
someone who was happy to share meals, and exchange leftovers
someone who likes to bake and always makes extra
someone who loves to crochet and will make presents for your friends and family, for free
someone who allowed her to make all the decisions and plans, and just went along with whatever she wanted to do
someone who was ready to admit her own mistakes and try her damnedest not to make them again
someone who readily accepted blame when things went wrong
someone who really wanted to be her friend, and put up with an almighty ton of abuse for it
someone who neglected her own life, and to some extent, her own kids, to focus on troll when she needed/demanded it
someone who was always ready to meet her for lunch during the day, even when she was late
someone who was ready to hang out with her friends, w/o insisting that she hang out with mine


I guess if that's what she calls friendship, then she's right that she misses it.  But I seriously have stopped missing that soul-sucking vampire one iota.   Ye Gods she was awful!  Writing it out like that really drives it home, b/c I didn't get one single bit of that back. 

I wasn't allowed to call her to chat, b/c she'd be "busy" or "on her way out the door"
I wasn't allowed to ask for any favor, large or small, b/c she'd blow it off every time
I couldn't ask her to do anything with me, b/c she'd drag someone else into it and ignore me while we were there
She criticized me constantly, even things that were none of her business and didn't affect her at all

[Legs]

Gee, Ala~~~~ no WONDER those n's go for you big time. Heck, I would go for you big time too! And I don't have to do "anything" in return...........just suck like a leech and belch when I'm done.


Sounds GREAT!!! Do you pay the rent and cook and all that too????



What WAS it about her that was so fabulous? I've seen her picture. She sounds like a selfish B.




Legs, reconsidering batting for the other team

[alatariel]

She is a horribly selfish, mean-spirited biptch.  There's nothing wonderful about her at all, which is why I'm puzzled that she has a boyfriend and all sorts of friends and a wonderful job and I have nothing and nobody. (except cats)


What did I see in her?  Well, she put up with me, to a certain extent.  I could kind of talk to her about stuff, sorta', almost, sometimes, when she felt like listening so she could criticize how I handled it.  She allowed me to hang around the fringes of her group of friends and pretend they were my friends, so I almost had a social life.  Focusing on her life certainly allowed me to distract myself from the very hard work of doing anything to improve my own.  It was kind of fun tagging along on her adventures, even if she did completely and totally ignore me once we got where we were going.  And for a while, pretending to myself that she cared about me was better than admitting that I'm completely alone in the world except for my kids.  There is a point where we all believe that being alone together is better than being alone, alone.

[alatariel]

Ok, to be totally honest, it was my own narcissism, too.  Once I knew for sure just how impossible she was, I was proud that she "needed" me, and felt ok being "vulnerable" with me and being the "person she could count on".

Little did I know that the "vulnerability" was a ruse, and that I was being used, not "needed" or "counted on".

In the beginning, I fell for the most obvious shite, the flattery, the "love-bombing", etc.  I thought her clinginess and possessiveness was sort of weird, but I thought she was that way b/c she cared, or was afraid of losing me, or something stupid like that.  It's totally embarrassing to admit that I fell for every dumb trick in the book, all the things we try to warn teens about that don't constitute a healthy relationship.  And I probably wouldn't have fallen for it coming from a man, but I didn't believe a woman could/would abuse another woman like that in a platonic friendship.  I didn't accept it as abuse, figured I deserved it, questioned my own motives and sanity, especially after I started feeling something "more than friendly" towards her.

[Rosemary]

Im glad you are now strong enough alatariel  not to respond   .

Let her Stew       Prolly havin trouble with BF  so had to check you were still around to tag on to you know what they are like   .    

[Legs]

Geeze, Ala.....pretty sure you are going to be all healthy and well! You are well on your way, Ms. Bike. I'm glad you didn't email her back too....................blech. Let her wonder.



xoxo, Legs

[alatariel]

Is is awful of me to hop she is having trouble with the BF and hope it hurts her deeply?  Not that anything can actually hurt an N...

Actually, she used to complain to me about her other friends, how their behavior, actions and words would hurt her feelings.  Every time she was describing exactly the things she, herself, was constantly doing to me.  I tried, once or twice, to point that out, and got my head bitten off for my effort.  So I bit my tongue, and tried to play "devil's advocate" and help her see that "they didn't mean to hurt her".

Now, I have to wonder, was she testing me?  Was she taking note of the things that hurt her, to see how they looked from the other side, so she could do them to me?  Was this some sick little game to her?  Did she want to hurt me?  Did it upset her so much that anyone had the power to hurt her that she had to run right out and hurt someone else to regain her sense of power? 

Well, too bad, b/c I never really gave her the satisfaction of letting her know that I was hurt.  After the first couple of times I pointed it out and was shot down, I stopped.  I just put up with whatever she dished out, and kept my mouth shut.  And left when I finally couldn't take any more.  I wasn't going to stand and fight a battle I didn't have a chance of winning.  If I tried, I was going to lose, b/c she would insist from now till doomsday that she didn't do anything hurtful, ever, and that I was wrong and crazy to feel hurt, it was my problem, not hers, only I could control how I feel, and how I felt was a symptom of my social ineptitude and lack of people skills and the fact that I'm just plain weird.

She's still at it.  Look at that email, she doesn't admit or apologize for a damn thing, it's all about what a wonderful person she is b/c she hopes all is well with me.  That "WE went too far" isn't an admission of anything, it's condescending and overbearing like Legs said, it's like she's giving in to a stubborn toddler or something...  "ok, if you say so, I'll use 'we' just to shut you up".   She always treated me with contempt and this is another example of it.

[alatariel]

Ok, yeah, so I also parentified her to a certain degree.  The constant criticism, bullying and controlling was exactly what my dad did to me when I was a kid, so it was as familiar as going home again.  My dad died about 6 months before I met the troll, and I actually missed him b/c I had gone NC with him over my leaving dickhead, and we hadn't had a chance to reconcile before he died.  So there was a ton of guilt there, too, and I probably was trying to make up for that by putting up with the troll.

And I was a sort of "pity project" for her, she thought she could take this fat, socially-inept, cowardly nerd and make me into a "normal" person.  Unfortunately for both of us, the things she tried to fix about me, like how often I vacuum or how I make a cup of coffee, aren't the things that need fixing.

[daisyk9292]

Little did I know that the "vulnerability" was a ruse, and that I was being used, not "needed" or "counted on".

Little did any of us know!!

Now, I have to wonder, was she testing me?  Was she taking note of the things that hurt her, to see how they looked from the other side, so she could do them to me?  Was this some sick little game to her?  Did she want to hurt me?  Did it upset her so much that anyone had the power to hurt her that she had to run right out and hurt someone else to regain her sense of power? 

This reminds me of the current issues I'm having with my frieNd. The one who showed the picture. Who I haven't heard a peep from by the way!! I swear her radar must be telling her the next time she sees me she's going to be "told". Looks like I'll have to initiate it too. I don't want to. Haven't missed her at all.

Is is awful of me to hop she is having trouble with the BF and hope it hurts her deeply?  Not that anything can actually hurt an N...

Not to me it isn't. I want them all to hurt deeply.  I want them all to know what it feels like to be sucker punched and then left feeling powerless.

There is a point where we all believe that being alone together is better than being alone, alone.

So true!! Whenever I feel terribly sad and alone, (which is often) I have to remind myself, the feelings aren't ever as bad as the painful feelings I have when involved with an N!!

[daisyk9292]

And I probably wouldn't have fallen for it coming from a man, but I didn't believe a woman could/would abuse another woman like that in a platonic friendship.

That's so strange for me! I seem to be able to see women more clearly than men. I have tolerated more for much longer from men than from women in my life. When friends have hurt me, it isn't nearly the same for me. I don't miss them, I feel relieved when they're gone.

Not so with men who I feel have rejected me and treated me like I was invisible.

Clearly I have "daddy" issues. 

[Legs]

<<Now, I have to wonder, was she testing me?  Was she taking note of the things that hurt her, to see how they looked from the other side, so she could do them to me?  Was this some sick little game to her?  Did she want to hurt me?  Did it upset her so much that anyone had the power to hurt her that she had to run right out and hurt someone else to regain her sense of power?>>

I just don't know how much they are aware of all these layers..I thought Lucifer was some machiavellian mastermind for some time, and then I think I decided he was a fourteen year old boy that had been caught looking at some kind of asian porn (by his Mom finally) and she ragged him about it so all these many years later, he kept marrying a "Good Mother" and "getting away" with his "secret love addiction"

Honestly, some of the emails he writes are so weird.....he'd say "he didn't care what they looked like or what their body shape was or how old they were...they were Asian. That's all he really cared about. Even if he had to pay for it. Your dick is perfect. you are Asian. A match made in heaven.


And then I realized none of that mattered..he was a sick puppy and a sad stupid delusional man and I am just so glad I got out of there. My friends think I am finally getting the old me back..the me from long ago. I just let 'em think that if it makes them happy and if they think they are giving me a compliment, but I know I am different now. Maye *I* turned into a narcissist. I don' even care if I did. I know now I only have to fix myself and make myself content. I'll never trust anyone completely ever again.


I'll never ever know his rational or reasoning and I never have to think about it again. It's almost two years since I last spoke with him and I hope I never have to again. He can do whatever he wants and I know now he's had the time to realize what he lost. He'll never ever find anyone like me again.


Legs,

[daisyk9292]

Honestly, some of the emails he writes are so weird.....he'd say "he didn't care what they looked like or what their body shape was or how old they were...they were Asian. That's all he really cared about. Even if he had to pay for it. Your dick is perfect. you are Asian. A match made in heaven.

You see!! That's is so freaking bizarre!!! I'm jealous AGAIN. I would love to see the exNbf behave like a pathetic fool. Instead he's Mr. Cool, smooth talker, musician, romancer, with a perfect dick!!(actually, if memory serves from our younger years, it wasn't all that perfect)  He just IS a perfect DICK!! UGH!

I just can't find any FLAWS with him, other than he's just cruel. Which is one, but not exactly what I'm looking for! 

I have to wait, cuz the older he gets the more pathetic that will become. But for now his act works for his 45 year old man boy self. UGH!! SO FRUSTRATING!!!

He'll never ever find anyone like me again.

No lie there sista!!

[pearlsb4swine]

Ok, yeah, so I also parentified her to a certain degree.  The constant criticism, bullying and controlling was exactly what my dad did to me when I was a kid, so it was as familiar as going home again.  My dad died about 6 months before I met the troll, and I actually missed him b/c I had gone NC with him over my leaving dickhead, and we hadn't had a chance to reconcile before he died.  So there was a ton of guilt there, too, and I probably was trying to make up for that by putting up with the troll.

And I was a sort of "pity project" for her, she thought she could take this fat, socially-inept, cowardly nerd and make me into a "normal" person.  Unfortunately for both of us, the things she tried to fix about me, like how often I vacuum or how I make a cup of coffee, aren't the things that need fixing.

Alaterial--you sound so strong.  And insightful.   I am just starting to realize how much I parentified certain people at work.....and how that made things there so much more painful for me.  And the negative spiral that ensues when I do that....the self-isolating, the fear, shame and anxiety.

And please....you are not a fat socially-inept, cowardly nerd.  I wish you lived next door to me.  You sound like an awesome friend to me. 

Pearls

[pearlsb4swine]

I just don't know how much they are aware of all these layers..I thought Lucifer was some machiavellian mastermind for some time, and then I think I decided he was a fourteen year old boy that had been caught looking at some kind of asian porn (by his Mom finally) and she ragged him about it so all these many years later, he kept marrying a "Good Mother" and "getting away" with his "secret love addiction"

And then I realized none of that mattered..he was a sick puppy and a sad stupid delusional man and I am just so glad I got out of there. My friends think I am finally getting the old me back..the me from long ago. I just let 'em think that if it makes them happy and if they think they are giving me a compliment, but I know I am different now. Maye *I* turned into a narcissist. I don' even care if I did. I know now I only have to fix myself and make myself content. I'll never trust anyone completely ever again.

We build these Ns up so much in our heads.  I do anyway.  Daisy, I hear you doing it too.  And the reality is, there is nothing there.  It's like they are pictures of people.  Like those giant cardboard cutouts you get your picture taken with.  I spent 30 years trying to have a meaningful relationship with a cardboard cutout.  And I am still obsessed with him to a certain extent.  Well, maybe not obsessed.  But still grieving over something that never was.

I remember this interview with Elizabeth Edwards before she died where she said she was trying to reconnect with the person she was before she ever met her husband.  That's how I feel sometimes....that I am being reunited with that person.  She had some painful issues, but there were things she did right, truths that she was in touch with that I lost.  Things that I gave up because I was in love with a hunk of cardboard.

Legs, I also feel that I will never trust again.  But I think the truth is more that I will never trust BLINDLY again.  I will never put my trust in someone and ignore the truth about what that person is doing to me.  I hope anyway.  It's a good thing.  Trust should be earned, and not given to people who don't deserve it.


Pearls

[Freezer Burned]

. . . I thought Lucifer was some machiavellian mastermind for some time, and then I think I decided he was a fourteen year old boy . . .

JennyWren has an explanation of this over on the thread:
http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,9865.0.html

[alatariel]

Thanx, all of you, for your thoughtful replies and for reading my relentless ruminations. 

And by ruminations, I do mean that I feel like a cow or deer, chewing her cud.  I took in this whole heaping pile of Nonsense all my life, and now it's coming back up in bits and pieces for me to chew over and try to extract something healthy from.