anxiety/fear sky high over N's latest, ready to give up....

[overwhelmed]

You guys are right!!!  He is just trying to get everyone confused and pointing fingers, smoke up the room and sit back to watch.

His attorney has sent three letters, one each morning to my attorney asking him to confirm that we are "all on the same page" in regards to an agreement being reached and my intentions to not cooperate in DV case.  I had an appointment with my attorney yesterday who drafted up a simple response, "No, we are not on the same page."  Best part is, his attorney sending one three days in a row, told me to tell my attorney to hold off sending it.....so it'll be faxed Monday, just because it makes me giggle.  Besides, I know the second it reaches his attorney, N is going in for whatever he set up.....and, I'd like to have a calm weekend and not be left on a cliff note of some new lie.  I will hear about it after some rest and things are better in perspective in my head as they are starting to settle.  Before, I wouldn't have been able to wait.....N did something it was, fix now, respond now.....get the truth out there and set him straight.  Although my attorney wanted to send it right away, he understood my desire to wait.....after 45 years as an attorney, he said he's seen some crazies but not any in N's league, he takes the prize.  He calls him "dangerous."  ya think? 

[JennyWren]

That is just THE BEST overwhelmed...that you have already trained yourself not to respond at Egg`s command. This one took me Sooooooo long. I STILL struggle. BigBird pokes....I jump! Immediately spinning into action to counter his lies. Where did it get me?....a whole heap of shiny NEW improved lies from a whole new unopened packet....and off I`d go again.

Egg really is off on the N standardised smoke-screening distracting b*llocks isn`t he? There is a LOT at stake here....and he will have all kinds of plans and wriggles and surprises. Be ready....take your time....think it all out. A fast moving situation is what an N likes to destabilise your calm methodical logical thoughts. So they can disorientate you and trip you up in the dark.

The beauty of this situation is he can`t get at you. Can`t see you. He can`t keep watching and prodding and poking in the right places because he has lost the instant reactions to gauge and stick the knife in. So as long as you take your time...consider and think and consider again...he has lost a big part of his power to disrupt and throw you off balance.

If you are like me...you will still be tossed and turned. But he doesn`t have to know. You can just slow it all down as you have done...and shift the balance in your favour.

[Legs]

Jenny!

 You sound soooooooooooooooo much bettah! I wish, wish we all could meet for lunch or drinks, but that might be bad...I'm sure we'd get thrown out of any bar for being too loud and RUDE!

 I so wish I had installed a secret camera in lucifer's house before I left. I wonder sometimes if he's as miserable as I hope for him to be..........but I have no way to find out.

Oh, well....I am feeling better lately. Don't know why but spring is coming. Saw my first little yellow butterfly tomorrow..next thing the geese will leave and we'll see Robins. Then all the fruit trees bloom. Then we have our last frost which kills all the flowers on the trees so we never have any actual fruit that grows here unless you want to count prickly pears.



legs, off to finish my swap cards and make Valentines

[NewWings4MeNow]

overwhelmed,

I wrote you a reply but WoN stopped responding and I lost it.

So here goes again:

You've gotten great advice here about triangulation and all the ways it can take form.  What you've described are classic XNPH-style severe N/P tactics and behaviors.  Egg lying to his lawyer, egg telling his lawyer something and everybody else something else, egg telling you something and everybody else something else, egg involving others as power figures involved who aren't involved.

The word salad of charges, no charges, reduced charges, dropped charges -- but NO -- not dropped charges, slightly reduced charges, some charges apply on alternate Tuesdays except in April, other charges full-time except not on alternating Mondays.  This smoke and mirrors distraction is Siegfried & Roy stuff. 

You know the bottom line:  Egg is dangerous.  And no matter what his sentence-or-not, your safety will continue to be at risk.  He's not after his lawyer, your lawyer, the arresting officer, his buddies who tried to hide him, the bartender or the grocer down the street.  He's after one person.  But if he can use all those other people to help box you in, they're just stage props and will do just fine because they talk and can create anxiety and fear just through positioning and mis/information.  Proxies for him.  As long as you have ears that are still vulnerable and listening with any hint of believability about things your rational mind knows to be lies and deceit and not factual. 

You are responsible for your own sanity, your own personal safety and to continue to be a megaphone for your children's safety no matter the risk or unpopularity to yourself. 

Having gone through pieces of what you now have to handle, I discovered harshly that nobody was going to protect me from anything happening again.  Nobody was going to go to bat for me to restrain XNPH from threatening me one more time, lying to me one more time, stealing from me one more time.  Those folks are paid salaries and go home at the end of the workday.  They aren't family and aren't friends.  Aren't father, brother, uncle or cousin muscle.  They have their life-and-death stuff that they care about, and it doesn't include your hour-by-hour, day-by-day issues. 

This is why women learn to shoot.  Why women keep a baseball bat at close range.  Why women put multiple lock systems on their doors and loud security systems in their homes.  Why they read, study and take classes on self-defense and living world-aware through their days.  Why they carry pepper spray and tell people they're not afraid to use it.  And why "Ziva" on "NCIS" was recently voted most popular female character.  Because the world needs Tawandas.

I'm being this direct with you because the man has tried to kill you already, so there's not much left to the imagination. 

Back to earlier comments ....  Egg fabricating e-mail:  Classic stunt.  You having evidence proving otherwise:  Necessary.  Unfortunately this is what creates an N-actor - victim reactor interplay.  They agress and you respond, which makes the victim feel like they're constantly defending themselves, and it's exhausting in every way.  This I know intimately.

What folks are saying here about triangulation being diversion is important because part of an abuser's early arsenal is to attack the credibility of those they seek to have "power over".  Whatever they accuse the victim of possibly having done is just the way they'd do it if they could, or are already doing behind the scenes, and it gets the officials to focus on you and not him.  (I won't get into XNPH's latest but will share that, just yesterday, he e-mailed accusing me of making more money than I'm letting on I have and thus I should be made to submit an income & expense statement.  Why would he do this?  Because d has told him I'm handling my father's affairs so he thinks I have access to the money.  I am and I do but that's not child support ....  He makes 8.5x what I make.  History's proven he's lied often/constantly about money, and thinks others are the same way.) 

As to the delay, it's good that you have the presence of mind to be OK with a delay caused by official business travel about which nobody could do anything, as &*)q#)(*)_ as it is. 

overwhelmed, I moved to the Bay Area partly due to utter physical and psychological exhaustion.  In that way I hope you know that I empathize with your wait, your worry, your fear, your anxiety, your wondering about the future and whether you have the strength to see this through.  I now have some extra strength so I'm sending it to you though the Ether. 

You know that whatever egg does and says going forward will be lies, deception and five year-old morality-free behavior.  That's a great place to start.  You KNOW it.  No further proof is needed about that.  You're getting PI proof which makes your case and is terrific. 

And I can't say anything to your comments about how egg's treatment of you is addressed less because you're mates -- happened to me over and over.  In these situations there needs to be a compelling straw that breaks the camel's back.  If you'd had more witnesses perhaps.  If you didn't have history of experiencing egg's abuses already, perhaps.  But what are you left with?  What you're worth as an individual, as a woman, knowing that no man, no person, will ever be able to physically assault you or psychologically abuse you in life again.  And the knowledge that you will be able to get away from egg eventually.

I hope in all you've been through, that you've come to see that you can break this down into chapters and consider it on those terms.  The crime was one chapter, the corraling has been another chapter, the entry into incarceration will be another chapter, the behavior during incarceration another, the behavior leading up to its end yet another and the behavior as and after it ends another -- just like law enforcement talks about the 72 hours after a nasty D split, the 48 hours after a crime has been committed etc., they break it down because thoughts, motivations and behaviors form patterns.

Your challenge includes how to balance protection mode v. investigation mode, when others are 80% on one end and you still need 50-75% on the other end the more they go off and do their thing and you feel left alone and exposed. 

If I could conjure up for you a 24/7 Bubba the Bouncer I'd send one along. 

WoN thoughts and good wishes might soothe, but they don't keep you safe at night.  Only action and good choices will do that. 

This will come to chapter resolution in spite of egg's fancy footwork, sashaying to delay.  If you can hold on, hang on, for just a bit longer.  Continuing to sleep, get exercise (even just walking), eat moderately well, listen to music, feel the sun on your face, breathe the air in deeply each day and do one nice thing for yourself no matter what each day as a gift to you.  If you think you've lost the strength, you have to reach inside deeper and find more.  If you think you're too tired to continue, know that it happens to us all and if you can just give your body a bit of a rest no matter how it comes, to recharge you just a little each day, that will be enough to sustain you.  I have faith that you will get through this.  I've read and felt your strength from the beginning, a mother's ferocity borne of protectiveness, that you need to now also apply to yourself with healthy enough care -- and as a woman with clear views who's remained in her right mind well enough to see through to truth and fact from the get-go.

Rambling thoughts.  I'm concerned about you and know how it feels in my own way.
 
(((((overwhelmed)))))

NewWings4MeNow

[MoreMyself]

A really good post, NewWings, glad you took the time to rewrite it.  I fought the hard battles with the Hobbit during the divorce and separation, over assets and where my son would live.  I learned to anticipate, not to react.  It's a really good thing to ask yourself, when your buttons are getting pushed and things seemed to be going against you, whether you are reacting and how you can anticipate the next move instead.  Because the Ns are never as smart as they think.  We know who they are, they have shown themselves to us.  It becomes easier and easier to anticipate their next moves.  Overwhelmed you've demonstrated very good skills in doing this already.  This man is dangerous to you and your children.  Unleash whatever weapons you have, when and if the time comes.  And like NewWings says, in the end you have to do it yourself.  You can get legal and police support to a point, and moral support here, and if you can call on some family and friends perhaps some real help there.  But ultimately it will be you against him. 

Also, good strategy to make him be the one sending more letters to your attorney and making him wait for answers.  Every letter, every telephone call, every consultation with his lawyer will be costing him money.  And that's got to hurt.

[NewWings4MeNow]

To More's comments about anticipating:  Just a gentle warning that, if you're prone to addressing this like a chess game and like to consider a lot of alternative angles (anticipating), some people close to you may take this as paranoia and tell you you're analyzing too much and that it won't be that bad.

I'd have to advise that you ignore them and go ahead and make your lists of loads of possible moves and counter-moves. 

The discipline that's required to do this, however, includes the ability to calm your body down and not allow it to get physically wound up with the enormity of how many alternative moves/counter-moves are possible -- and the continuous worry about whatever other possibilities you haven't yet considered because they're just too frickin' weird for anybody to perpetrate (but N/Ps).  To focus, instead, on the fact that listing those moves/counter-moves gives you information and knowledge, which you can use, instead, to calm yourself down from the unknowing.

I've had to have some pretty knock-down arguments with family members about how to deal with XNPH's moves this past half-year.  In the vast majority of cases I was right to do what I felt I had to do, and I was "overwhelm"ingly right in my assessments of the level of XNPH's malevolent intentions which continue even today.

So I encourage you to shore up your gut feelings with more steel, and be prepared to be disagreed with but still stand your ground.  There's a reason why The Gift of Fear is called The Gift of Fear.

I agree with all those who've ever said that Ns aren't as smart as they think they are.  I now have countless e-mails where XNPH has been showing his hand, showing his aggression/anger levels, showing his power and control intentions.  Within them he's also shown that he's absolutely clueless on an emotional/heart level about how to be a parent.  Within them he's shown himself to have the knee-jerk retaliatory attitude of a five year-old in sandbox wars.  ('How dare you threaten me with contempt of court!' (for keeping d from me for weeks))  And he's shown all this to the psych evaluator copied in e-mails, which is the most amazing thing of all.  We still have a court hearing date for next week, at his action, which he's used to threaten me with to take all custody, but given that I have dozens of examples now, if he goes to court against me he's going to look really, really bad and I'm not the least bit afraid any more.  I will be re-entering d's life ongoing next week, regardless of whatever legalities are decided upon, because she's taken a severe nosedive, since I left, in many areas (e.g. going from an A+ to a D student in four months -- yeah, that'll get XNPH full custody alright).  Given the array and severity of changes in her, I have unanimous support of family, her therapist and the psych evaluator that this is the right decision.

overwhelmed, change whatever isn't working in your approach, rethink what could work better, and don't change what isn't broken.  Physical safety comes first, then psychological and emotional safety, then financial and economic safety.  You may find yourself considering copying egg's tactics, and realize that you're close to the edge between light and dark.  Now's the time for you to be, perhaps, sharper, clearer and more aware, at a survivalist level, than ever before and consciously choosing every step you take and its ramifications.  But it will benefit you in the long run. 

NewWings4MeNow

[JennyWren]

Wow! Wings....blistering hot posts. Really down-to-the-roots insights as ever about such important stuff....with extra massive knowing smiles for that rotten "WON has stopped responding" moment. 

Ns are thankfully not as smart as they think they are, it`s true....and perhaps this is their Achilles Heel. I made a conscious effort always to give BigBird as much rope as possible to hang himself with.

Their Special Skill is in the manipulation of people. But strategically they make woeful mistakes because they are so focused on the people game they often miss the bleeding obvious. Watch for that if you can. Plus the massive arrogance allows howlers to escape under their own radar.

But my main point is concerning Wings thoughts about caring for yourself and staying strong through the onslaught.

Egg has studied you. He chose you because you feel things deeply and he has so much emotion to manipulate. He thinks he can press all the familiar buttons...wind you up and watch you go. Well....the game has changed.....and you are becoming astonishingly effective at rewiring your responses amazingly quickly. But he will still score some hits. And as he tries harder and harder to use every buttton to slay you emotionally....he is going to have you on the N-fight rollercoaster. The highest rollercoaster in the world.....the biggest G-turns....with outside loops through dark tunnels....corkscrews...sudden stops over the precipice...THE LOT.

You can`t stop the attacks coming. You can`t turn off your adrenaline flooded gut response. But he does not have to know this. Always let the rush of emotion rise and fall before you act. As you are doing. Then run through your scenarios of how to respond and consider Egg`s stinky sulphurous rotten strategy. As you are doing.

And.....last thing...yes....those who have not known the festering hell of Ns and their UNBELIEVABLE manipulative game-playing will stare sideways as you appear like Mrs Paranoid from Nutterville. My own lawyer (and of course my fight with BigBird was only about money) thought I was just making a giant fuss over nothing....overreacting and making stuff up. Only by the end did he understand BigBird and the depths he not only stoops to but inhabits 24/7. By the end my lawyer couldn`t say enough kind things about me....nor enough nasty ones about BigBird.

Until you have lived bombarded by the N-ammunition and seen with your own eyes the cold calculated cruelty....as warmblooded humans....even lawyers!...you can not understand. If you don`t expect them to...at least you are one step further ahead than I was.

Sorry to add a long post.....I don`t want to detract form all those vital points Wings made....nor her deep empathy which she shared so freely with you.

Thinking of you overwhelmed. That egg has a limited shelf life. And the clock is ticking. 

[Chime]

His attorney has sent three letters, one each morning to my attorney asking him to confirm that we are "all on the same page" in regards to an agreement being reached and my intentions to not cooperate in DV case.  I had an appointment with my attorney yesterday who drafted up a simple response, "No, we are not on the same page."  Best part is, his attorney sending one three days in a row, told me to tell my attorney to hold off sending it.....so it'll be faxed Monday, just because it makes me giggle. 

I am confused about this.
If I am reading this clearly, the egg's attorney has told your attorney not to send your response until later (Mon.)
Is this a maneuver to get you to miss a deadline or anything?
I may be misreading this, but it just doesn't seem logical.
I've been thinking about you
and hope you stay safe and take care of yourself!
 
Chime