how do they know when to move in on your spot?

[overwhelmed]

Yell, scream, beat me up the head but Dammit, I know there isnt a person who can do it for me.....why not? Why cant someone go through it for me, so I don't have to?  The clarity, the knowing, the truth acknowledging......the pain, the doubt, the fear, the confusion....was it me? Is it me? Could I have, out of insecurity, or I don't know what....made it bigger? I didn't, did I? I mean, he did some shitty things but, I don't know what.  Was I that scared physically or more hurt inside? Oh goodness......

Ok....did you guys know n loves me? Yeah, he told me so.....today. and his mom told me yesterday that after everything she asked him what he'd do if I said I wanted to go home and he said "go get her......" Right, that's what he said. Plus, I am the best thing that ever happened to him....at least in whatever moment it was at this particular moment I suppose.

Or maybe, he means it in some weird way but has some switch he can suddenly unmean it. He'd never leave me either....never wanted anyone but me. He knows we can have a good life.....blah blah blah mind games mind games. Maybe he means it? Or thinks he means it? Or wishes he meant it or thinks he's supposed to mean it?

All I know is......I'm tired and feel like there isn't a way in life with him as an enemy out of my home.....or maybe I'm just tired of trying, struggling, trying......I don't know what to do.

Hell, even our own daughter saw him and it was like he was the best thing ever......I get she's like me, means it that she's scared but forgets when she feels safe.....blah. I wanted to tell her, "dont fall for it........".   But, he's going to be a part of her life and she's going to like it a lot of the times.

I'm rambling. I'm confused. And I'm really tired of it all. Don't even know what I'm asking if anything. He got to my head...or maybe my weak spot or a tired place. I don't know right now.

[Imogene]

They are in our heads, because they saw us as extensions of ourselves until they cut us off.  To be more than a phantom limb, we have to learn ourselves again.  That's the best I have today.  I'll let you know when I figure out how.

[Legs]

oh, he probably DOES love you in that weird, warped, damaging, hateful, hurtful way that n's love......lucifer loved me "more than anyone ever", so that's why he treated me like a ...I don't even know. Like any of what happened was actually my fault. I am always taking the blame for everything if it's not perfect even if I actually had NOTHING to do with it, so we were made for each other. I was never right and he was never wrong. I was never good enough even though now I know he was worse than the worst person I have ever known.


When you get these strong feelings of "I don't know what to do or think"...then just take a break............just chill and do something where you don't have to think. Clean out your sock drawer or put all your embroidery flosses in the right boxes or sort and sharpen your colored pencils or do coloring book with your kids.....make giant paper dolls.....lay them down on a big sheet of carbboard and draw around them and let them color themselves and draw on costumes....cut them out...make more of them.......put them on yardsticks and have a puppet show...just distract yourself.....


if you take someone back who has done something wrong, you are really just telling them that what they did was okay and it wasn't.

Stay strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't fall for that song and dance. He's a one trick pony and it's a bad, sad and scary trick.

xoxo, Legs

[MoreMyself]

Take a minute or 60.  Have a bubble bath or a walk.  Rest and remember what has happened. Past behaviours are the best predictors of future behaviours.  If there's one thing I have learned in 61 years on this planet it's that a leopard cannot change its spots.  It might believe it's a lamb, it might even pretend it's a lamb, but when push comes to shove it will always behave like a leopard. 

Don't fall for the love statement.  It's the oldest manipulative statement since people learned language.  It's meaningless.  Ask yourself this.  If you could give him a condition to prove himself different, and you said that he had to go 10 years proving he was changed, and he did it, would you trust him 100% then or would there always be a niggling doubt in your mind?  The Hobbit could go for stretches and be nice and kind and polite and all the rest.  But those periods of time were short and as the years progressed fewer and fewer until they ceased to happen at all. 

He doesn't want to go to jail.  He doesn't want to go to court.  He doesn't want to deal with lawyers.  He senses a change in the wind, that you are stronger and fighting harder.  So he's changed tactics.  He's enlisted his family and they might even believe him - after all they share DNA. 

Is there a counselling service that you can go to, one that specialises in spousal abuse and the patterns?  Somebody to talk you through this phase?  My cousin was married to an extreme abuser and finally got away from him.  She went into a safe house and had him slapped with papers so he couldn't contact or approach her.  She was sharing with a couple of other women.  The husband started slipping notes to one of the other women to give to her, stating he loved my cousin, he was changed, he wanted her back.  Sound familiar?  The stupid housemate gave her the notes.  It wore her down.  She started talking to him and she went back to him based on his promises that things would be different.

The abuse got worse, much much worse.  In the end she had to pack up everything she owned and flee the town where she was living.  He was waving guns around and threatening to kill her.  It's not unusual for women to go back to their abusers once, twice, multiple times before they make the final break. But from what my cousin told me, it never ends well, because as I said, a leopard can't change its spots.

[NewWings4MeNow]

((((overwhelmed)))),

Tactics and timing, tactics and timing.  It's like having a director in a stage play.  And you're in it and you can't get off the stage or leave the theatre.

XNMIL told XNPH that, when I self-weaned off low-dose anti-D meds, "All h*ll will break loose."  So he filed for D right at that time, when I was at my emotionally weakest.

None of these kinds of encounters or statements happen by accident or occur with genuine emotional intention in the way you are wired/were raised to interpret them.

Unless N's mother was raised in the same way and married in the same way, she full well, sorry, sure as h*ll, knows that a woman will no longer feel safe in any R with a man who's tried to strangle her to death and who's beaten her to hospitalization.  Depends on whether N's mother prepared the Kool-Aid or has just drunk it and, if so, how much.  But what it does tell is that N's mother also sees you as property of the marriage and belonging to "them" for their purposes.  In that way she seems much like XNMIL in lack of regard for my own separate humanity and needs.

overwhelmed, others here have asked you why you still allow this extent of interaction with these people.  I'm not following consistently, but I still have to ask why also. 

You being off-balance works out great for N in court.  You being the least bit hesitant in your answers, your facial expressions, your recall of past actions.  This buttering up process is all designed for that. 

I don't know what others here have advised, but only you can decide whether this is an abusive man you'd rather live with and take it, or pursue removing him from your daily life using the court system to prosecute his crime against you.  Nobody else can suggest or interpret what level of risk you're exposed to or what it might ultimately mean for you. 

Bottom-lining it the way some women just have to (and because I've had to consider these issues through time), if you continued to live with N and he killed or maimed you, who would be raising your kids. -- him?  His family?  If that's the remaining scenario, only you can give it odds.

If you withdraw from this case on a heartstrings basis, chances of you being believed over any future altercation might fall through the floor.  That's part of the reputation risk you'd take.  And many women have done so. 

Old-timers here know that I've posted many, many times after having had an emotional experience seeing/interacting with XNPH or after receiving a suggestive e-mail from him.  Tormented heartache.  Ledge-jumping regret.  Loss and grieving that didn't seem to stop.  But I have years now under my belt and all that remains of his regard for me is overt, proven, expressed vile hatred and desire to see me gone. 

Sure, you're tired, confused, rambling.  And yes, he "means it' in all the ways you've written.  But still he hurts you and harms you and knows he does it and knows why.  Dissonance between actions and words.  What are his actions?  Carry that list in your head. 

You're still so very much in the midst of it all and struggling to make sense of it all. 

Of course you've been the best thing that ever happened to N.  But he is not the best thing that has ever happened to you.  At least, not any more.  Not for your safety, sanity and ability to provide for yourself and parent unfettered.  ("He only tried to kill me because he loves me."(???)  Doesn't make sense, does it?)

Yes, overwhelmed, why isn't there someone who can make the nightmare go away?  Why isn't there an escape?  Why isn't there relief?  Because N/Ps skirt the truth, skirt the law and so often don't do things so overtly that whatever life they've had that they enjoyed would actually stop.  Power and control desires that the status quo continues as it benefits them, need for attention, affection, admiration, adulation, sole-adult power of position.  Like you seem to express, I was most horrified at the reality that I was tethered to this for years, for life, it seemed, and I had no idea how I got there.  Wanted to run from my own shadow.  Didn't know what I'd done to deserve such a sentence.  Hopefully this is part of why WoN is such an important place, because it helps us cope with the reality of such darkness as we learn what it is and how to survive it.

Perhaps N has power to get into your head.  But the fact that you know it is really, really important.  As it means that you have the consciousness and power to boot him out.  Until he tries again. 

Strength and honor to your head,

NewWings4MeNow

[RB22]

(((((Overwhelmed)))))  (((((((Overwhelmed's D))))))))

Sounds like his latest bit of news has you reeling with doubt.  Remember that actions speak louder than words.  What do his actions show you? 

Facts:  He tried to choke you,

He tried to grab your D out of the car

He repeatedly dunked your little girl when she clearly didn't want to play HIS game.

He has stood in your way to keep you from leaving with your children.

Love is an action verb..... how much 'love'  has he shown you over the past YEAR?

Love Does NOT HURT!

This man is NOT normal. A man who loves you would be sorry he lost his temper and DO ALL HE COULD TO MAKE AMENDS FOR HURTING YOU and SCARING HIS DAUGHTER.  And he would go to great lengths to NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Has he done that?     

If he hasn't, Then his latest change of heart is more manipulations meant to further HIS AGENDA.  Not because he LOVES you, but because HE HAS A PLAN. 

Has he gotten help for his 'problem'?  If he really loved you he would be twisting himself to be who YOU NEEDED HIM to be. 

Actions, Overwhelmed, Actions speak louder than words.... Pretend you can't hear him speaking, WHAT do HIS ACTIONS SHOW YOU?

Sorry for yelling,

Love you,

RB

[alatariel]

Actions.  His actions are NOT those of a loving man.  Period.

   Sending hugs and good energy your way.  We're on your side. 

[Imogene]

overwhelmed,

 

I was answering your question before.  I want to come back and offer some support.  This trial is going to be the hardest thing you ever do, and I say that knowing you've done some very hard things in your life already.  You want to believe him, because it would make everything so easy.  It's like a glass of water to a person who's just crawled through the desert.  Except it isn't water.  It is poison.  You know that, but you are just so thirsty.  I am sorry, so sorry, that you are dealing with the cold and calculating legal system, that just wants to wrap things up.  It must seem like no one is on your side right now, but we are.  Please post in here as often as you can just to hear one of us say, "We are behind you.  We care what happens."  I know it isn't much.  But it's the truth, and I hope you can stay as close to the truth through this as you can.

Imogene.

[pearlsb4swine]

Yell, scream, beat me up the head but Dammit, I know there isnt a person who can do it for me.....why not? Why cant someone go through it for me, so I don't have to?  The clarity, the knowing, the truth acknowledging......the pain, the doubt, the fear, the confusion....was it me? Is it me? Could I have, out of insecurity, or I don't know what....made it bigger? I didn't, did I? I mean, he did some shitty things but, I don't know what.  Was I that scared physically or more hurt inside? Oh goodness......

You WERE that scared physically.  EVERYONE is scared physically when they are being choked.  YOU COULD NOT BREATHE.

It's so, so hard, because they will manipulate our most tender feelings and memories.  Does he love you when he says he loves you?  Sure.....what love means to him.  He loves the way you make him feel, except when he doesn't.  Then he wants to kill you. 

But when he says he loved you....you remember how you loved him.  Really and truly, with your whole heart.  That's what you are remembering.  The way you felt about him.

NewWings is right.  You need to stay away from these people.  You know what they say........never look a vampire in the eyes.  Because they charm you, and it feels real, and then they drain you and choke you and throw you away like a piece of garbage.

What everyone says here is the truth.  You know that it is.  You KNOW.  But no matter how much you know, you still don't look the vampire in the eyes.  Because their charms are powerful and they will hurt you.

Imogene is right.  Stay close to the truth.  One step at a time.  Don't think now about your d and the rest of her life and custody.  One step at a time.  Eyes ahead.  Don't look down.  You can do this.  You ARE doing this. 

Don't look at him.  Look at us.

Pearls

[Rosemary]

Dont let him fool you  ,he is only trying to save his  own skin .Its all about him not you or D just HIM .

stay strong you have got so far ,dont give in now ,thats just what he is praying for ,your weakness .You must stay strong for your own good now .    

[CZBZ]

(((Overwhelmed)))

What's the best predictor of the future? The Past. That means at least three things:
 
One: you are susceptible to repeating the patterns that got you where you are today.
Two: he will continue to repeat the patterns that got him where he is today.
Three: your relationship will follow the same patterns that got it where it is today.

I know you're tired from the complexity of your case. It may seem easier to just 'give in' and 'hope for the best'. So make a list and be very honest with yourself as to why you would consider reconciliation. Don't put 'because he loves me' on that list, though.    Ask yourself, "What problems will reconciliation resolve for me and for my children?"

It's tempting when reconciliation would resolve financial problems and the ongoing legal harassment, child custody, housing, etc. It's not hard to understand why women stay (especially single mothers) or go back. Unfortunately, the relationship often worsens, as you already know. But, reconciliation IS an option. Just don't let 'He loves me" be the tipping point because then you are both lying to yourselves.  Ya know what I mean?

Before you go back, draw up some legal paperwork with a list of agreements. Like a pre-nup. Tell him what you expect to get should the relationship fail or should there be a repeat of physical abuse. Have him sign the agreement to your compensation package. If marriage serves you and your children best in the longrun, insist on marriage and then see what his love is worth. 


Hugs,
CZ

[Never again]

Wouldn't it have been great, Overwhelmed, if what he meant by love were the same as what you mean by love?

I can only imagine how tempting his words are to you right now. The constant battling must be so tiring. It must seem like he's offering you an instant end to all of that. Shame it's only a mirage.

How he knows where or when to hit you? It seems to me, reading your posts, that he never stops trying to pull your strings. If one thing doesn't work, he tries another, then another, and another.  Something was bound to stick eventually.

But he doesn't need to know where your weak spot is. Keep that to yourself and protect it with the help of your very wise friends here.

[overwhelmed]

You guys are right, I know it under this thing thats trying to take hold. This thing sucks or maybe the part of me that knows sucks. I don't know.....which part is it? All I know is, its hard and exhausting and lonely. Why can't i just move and be around people who are understanding and who believe me, who know and who even understand thing mind twisting isn't because I'm dumb? Certainly moving isn't a cure but its with people and not so alone!

I don't talk to n's mom who is class a just like him. I don't talk to these people. I won't answer when they rarely call.....I bumped into her at a resturant and stared straight ahead, not saying a word as she spoke. Not go away, not I don't believe you, nothing. There's no sense in it. Then n, there he was at my car as we left.....I'm sure she called him. Thirty minutes passed from her talk to my leaving because i wasn't going to pack up mid meal even if my good was ruined.....my kids were eating.  There he stood, playing with our d in that best dad way......again, I stood silent. Once she got in, he spoke.....I didn't look, didn't return a word. Stared straight down or ahead, over his shoulder but his words went in. I wanted to speak bad but I feared my weakness.....or maybe its my strength......maybe its any expression of humaness I didn't want him to have. To see.

Today he's sent his lovey dovey play longing abuser text messages and each one makes me cry. I don't respond. I don't move. It sucks. I want that relief, even if its fake or temporary, because just for a day, I'd like to be cared about and for this to be on hold or protected from it.  I dont know what it is. I just know its got me and I'm admitting that I'm letting it pull me.


I'm trying not to look at it and look at. You guys. I know you guys understand. And it sucks you guys are not in real life next to me, physically. I'm trying to not give in.....I'm worried i am starting to....even if right now its in my head. Isn't that where it starts?

Wish legs woulda been at the car with me. She calls herself bitter....I think its the truth. And shed have scared him off with it. Or Jenny would have run off with some paragraph full of drop dead funny something. Imogene woulda gotten him on behalf of our d and son. While pearls would have told me to not look......all I know is, all of you, woulda shown him "we care about her"........and he'd have been scared. Around this place I'm stuck....there's nobody. He got them all. I got my lonely life and headaches and fear.

[Imogene]

I care, and I'm a real person.  You've seen my face.  It's raining here, and cold, which is nice.  I'm trying to decide if I should go camping, just me and the dog, while X has my daughter over Spring Break.  It sounds very appealing.  I love the desert in springtime.  I'm still wearing my grubby old bathrobe, the one my daughter hates because she wishes I would wear pretty clothes.  I'm waiting until the pre-game hoopla starts, and then I'll go out shopping. 

I know this is scary, overwhelmed.  What you are going through now probably explains the jaded attitude and seeming coldness of the SA and his office.  They are expecting and maybe even hoping you will give up.  Don't give up.  He will hurt you and your daughter again.

Why don't you make a list for yourself of exactly what you want from life, pretending that this court case doesn't exist.  What do YOU want?  What kind of relationship, what kind of family, what geographic location.  This is CZ's suggestion, and a good one.  Focus on these bottoms lines, just to steady yourself a little.  Hang in there.  Think about your life, and then come back and think about the present.

[CZBZ]

Yea, Imogene. When we get right down to it, 'love' is not part of the equation with an abuser, a narcissist, a psychopathic personality. What you're really dealing with (because their ego-centrism precludes empathy) is a power game. Play it well or don't play it at all.

If you decide to give him a 'get out of jail' free card, overwhelmed, at least make sure you collect your two hundred dollars after passing 'go'.  In other words, what you are doing is making a 'deal' with Mr. Monopoly. It's not about love; it's about opportunity cards, the community chest, Park Place; and charging rent for properties owned. It is a bargaining game...cold, hard and loveless.

In all sympathy with what you are going through right now, the pull to the perpetrator is strong. It's like an addiction, really. You want a 'hit' so badly that you'll sell your soul to get it. It never resolves the pain though...never.

Enough preaching!!  This is your battle. This is your choice. 

Hugs,
CZ

[pearlsb4swine]

Just wish we could all be there.  Tangible proof that there is another better life out there and you will have it. 

Is there anyone there who can be there to support you?  What about victim advocates, domestic violence advocates?  Some place you can go for a little respite?  A  few days away? A safe place and safe people around you, so you can ride this out.

What he is doing is so transparent.  Didn't he say that you had f****d him for the last time?  You have him on the ropes. 

Hang in there!!!!  Don't look at him.  Don't read his texts.     

Look at us. 

Pearls

[Legs]

I know............I wish I knew "real" people like I "know" here....I have a few friends, though the really dear ones are all far away.....here in town is only one person I would ever ask to help me, though I had lunch last week with four women and they all made a point of offering to help me or drive me or stay with me if I have to have surgery.so maybe I have more friends than I thought. And two of those ladies are in their EIGHTIES! I have known them for years.............we started a calligraphy guild when I was in my mid thirties....35, I think. There's only a few of us left.....either moved away or died. Like happens with everyone eventually.

And something else, Over and I am not meaning to influence you, just to say that while you might think this is your bleakest time and it's making you want to "give in", you may have even bleaker times ahead. My troubles just seemed to pile higher and higher until it seemed like a bad movie. But no matter what...I knew I could not ever live with lucifer again because I would die. Either from my own hand or from his. I will die. We all will, but I was not going to give him any control over any of that.

You cannot leave your children with him or his family. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Don't let him win. That is about the only thing that has kept me still here on this earth....I know if I die or do something crazy, lucifer will think he won, and that is so not happening.


You're right....he and I would have gone to town. I have no patience for men who abuse someone smaller or weaker and I will gladly take them on one way or another.


BE STRONG! You are obviously scaring the craP OUT HIM RIGHT NOW. Why are you even reading his texts? Can't you block him???

legs, mystified by the whole texting thing, but surely you don't have to read stuff, do you? Not unless you want to???

[alatariel]

I'm reading, I care, and I'm a real person.    I'm real enough to have to vacuum up cat-hair, and feed my kids a frozen pizza for supper when I'm late coming home from work.  I'm real enough to have left a bad marriage to an emotional abuser, and I'm real-ly glad I did.

I know how it feels to want this all over, and not have anyone in your corner IRL.  It sucks.  Keep coming back here, though, and talk to us about it.  Talk it through.  Make a list like CZ suggested, and we'll even look at it with you.

[Legs]

......but are you REAL enough to vacuum up MY cat hair??????? Still haven't vacuumed the whole ting because I have to pick up the little bitty beads................I just vacuum around the bead arena.


Frozen pizza......................sounds delish. I made salmon patties last night. A good reminder of another life before lucifer. Cats love them...Skyler ate one last night and another one for lunch today. Muffin leaves all the tiny diced onions behind. She doesn't care for them. Skyler gobbles his good like a dog. He is like a dog in everyway except he can use a litterbox. I know he was a scottie or some lardass kind of dog in his last life. He is so uncatlike in his personality.....................he worships me. Well, so does Muffin but they think I am the only one that takes care of them.


I think Over should make a list of things-to-do that are mindless and fun when she gets into the circle of worry/fear/remorse/wondering/fretting and whatever else she gets into. I had a list of stuff...take a hot bath...........watch some inanity on netflix, drink hot milk with cinnamon, give myself a pedicure, try and take a nap, arrange stupid stuff like beads or drawers............just things to take my mind off the real world.

Off to make Valentines...gotta get them in the mail!


legs

[JennyWren]

Overwhelmed       

Dear dear DEAR Overwhelmed....who deserves peace and calm and time to regroup and recover....and who instead is getting an onslaught from a rotten puss-filled egg...writhing in it`s desperate need to regain control.

So...he used the "L" word did he? Love. Oooooooooh that is LOW Eggy Boy. That is low.

Right when he KNOWS our most beautiful and courageous overwhelmed will be feeling anxious and vulnerable...up pops his little snivelling Egg-head....with a painted-on look of earnest affection....carefully copied from people with ACTUAL HEADS...and says how he loves you.

Darling overwhelmed.....there is so much fabulous advice here...I have NOTHING to add. Why? Because you ARE loved here. Sure...we are not geographically close to you. But by goodness....just LOOK at the out-pouring of support you have here!

If he is trying to pull the I Love You card....then HE IS WORRIED. He must believe his best hope is to get you back in his control. Watch out overwhelmed. He will try his very best...using the "Book of Eggy Tricks......101 Ways to Get Under Your Skin" (Illustrated Edition in large Print.....Words of One Syllable..with lift-up flaps)

And these guys are bloody good when it comes to being complete sh!ts. If there were a Bazturd`s Olympics...the Gold Medal holders would all be Ns. And there would be a trail of sobbing people in their wake.

This is SO hard on you. The delays increase your stress. Egg will be designing ways to wear you down. You better believe it. He knows you are a deep feeling kind and compassionate person....and he will be working on ways to squeeze every last drop of emotion out of you...and torment you with them.

If one way does not work...he will try another.

But he doesn`t know about WoN. He thinks you are alone. YOU ARE NOT.

However you feel...whatever he does....bring it all here. Do whatever you must do. Whatever you do....there is so much support here for you. You are just doing the BEST job at coping with such a nasty nasty Egg.

We know what he is. However much he pretends to be a man....he is in fact an egg. And a rotten one at that.

[Rosemary]

A lot of us are Alone Overwhelmed  i only have my  kids NO friends i see noone day after day  ,noone phones either .
this is what its like as the NH has cut me off from people ,as yours has .

I would rather be alone than with the NH who im divorcing ,even though he emails me i dont always answer .

Its better to be free from the lies and drama and all the hoohaaaa !!!    

Make a list of good and bad stuff about this problem and i bet if you got back with him it would in fact i know(it happened to me once ) it would be a lot worse than now  .he would really go to town  ,as you will have given in to him when he is nearly in jail .Hes counting on your weakness and lying to you about LOVE  .

why has he left it until now to say he loves you ??? because he needs you to drop the case thats the only reason ican see here .hes scared about what he did  to you .and i would be scared of him .
when my stbxnh txts me i dont  open them i wipe them off  ,ive even got a diff phone and he doesnt know the number
so i dont get bothered by his /shite anymore .Love          

[overwhelmed]

You guys are so .....real.  I'm so in the dumps right now that even words from you guys, have me feeling like a heel....because they are true and I feel weak.  Torn in so many directions, I'm raw. 

This is just very hard.  So many aspects of it.  What do I want?  Heck, I want something so simple and small, something that most people take for granted or just assume is easy.  Yet, it's not.  I just want to live under one roof with all my kids.....like I always have.  N will not, I'm guessing, let me ever move.  And, a court, more than likely won't either.  That breaks me......So here I sit, alone....tired.....spit around, waiting, hoping, wishing it different....with two of the pieces of my pie, states away, seperated.  Yes, they are ok and thriving.  They are happy.  I could say with accuracy, this is much harder on me than them....I miss them more then they do me, I feel the hit more than they do....not because they don't love me, they do.  NOt because if I told them what torture it is, they wouldn't come be with me, they would....I wouldn't tell them and I'm glad they are such awesome people, thriving and happy, even if this changes the story of their life somewhat and mine in HUGE WAYS, I wouldn't want it to be harder on them than me....not for one second.  Of that I am not boo hooing.  I'm just heart broken because I like being around all of us and all of us feels right.

I know the reason N wouldn't ever let me go and would in fact, fight it tooth and nail in court, is because he won't ever live with all his kids.....he can't let someone have something he couldn't have.  Of course, he'll brand it under the idea that he wouldn't be able to see the two he and I share as often....but, he would. 

Why would I ever dream or get confused over that dumb "L" word?  I don't think I do.  Maybe faking it true is something I learned with him, from him?  It's fear......if I boiled it down to the main fear, it's the fear of that day.  The day it's all settled, court orders in play and me having to live by them.  In my rational mind, regardless of what I think is best or know to be true, regardless of his abusive ways, alcoholic binges, etc.....he will get at least, every other weekend visitation, with both of them.  Nobody could tell me he won't take the baby because he doesn't want to do the work.  He will take him so he can play the part of the story of man who loves child with special needs and who's life is to be too short.....he'll take him so his parents can see them and join in it with him.  And I will have to abide by what a judge says and that's what he'll say....if i can do it, N can do it.  But it isn't about learning how to work a feeding pump and when to push stop.  Or how to change out a g-tube or what to do if it comes out....it isn't how to know when his stomach needs to be vented or how to help him have a BM.....or how to do his exercises or what direction he likes to lay for sleep.....oh the list is endless.  It's about what it will do to him.....and to speak that, to say it....people think I'm just one of those moms.  "oh this is how you sooth a crying baby"  how hard is that?  "he'll get used to it" like other babys do.  The judge during one hearing years ago when I tried to leave and N wanted the kids said those exact words, "if you can do it, he can do it....."  Calm a baby who has sensory issues and is visually impared and has the cognitive ability of a two to four month old.  Take him from his base line, the one person who can bring him back to that base line just from her touch.....and tell him to get used to it or assume "he'll adjust".  Everyone who knows him and loves him, knows he won't.  He's three and a half years old, hasn't ever happened and it won't.  That isn't me being "one of those moms."  This is the truth of who he is.  Don't worry about "that day?"  I can't not plan on it and I can't not know what that outcome will be. 

There's so much more......it's all just a lot.  To top it off, N's exwife and I became friends over the past year.....slowly but surely.  She's much different with him than I am.  She keeps her mouth shut and kinda deals with him showing up whenever he does.....lives her life.  She doesn't see the picture as big as I do but she does see it......she's been supportive and always told me to not make the mistakes she did....to get him out of my life, don't let him in on any level like she has, etc.  Well, last week N ....who knows who cares, the end result is, after all she and I had shared, he worked his little whatever on her and bam, she doubts things now.....I didn't get the entrie story, don't want to hear it.....I just know when a person does that thing where they say, "you have to let go for your kids...." song and dance, I know the routine and what is going on in their head. 

Then, a few weeks ago, I had dinner with my mom.  She lives a few hours away.  She did this thing she does on occasion where she speaks of where she keeps this policy and that one.....insurance things and what she'd want me to do with her house if anything ever happened to her.  Normally she goes over these things on occasion after a death happens with a friend or what have you.  But this time was different.....at the end of it she didn't give her usual speech.  She said, "are you listening to me......look at me....."  and proceeded to tell me she is dying.  she waited to get the full picture before sharing the news with me because she didn't want to add to my shitty life and worry.  OMG the noise my head made. 

I don't know who is playing the dirty trick on overwhelmed right now but they can stop at anytime.

If I could think of some way to trick N intto signing papers that said I could move, I'd do it.  I'm that desperate.  But I don't know of any such trick.  Maybe I should ask an N, they seem to know of such things.

[JennyWren]

overwhelmed....by golly girl...it`s no good surrounding your name with a zillion bracketty hugs...you really are going through the mill aren`t you.

  I just don`t know what to say about your mother`s terrible news. There is no easy way to take that in. No way to ease such a pain.

Likewise the worry over your little one`s care. When you know the dedication and instinct involved. That any judge could take the "He`ll get used to it" line is just horrible.

Ex Mrs Egg`s sudden born-again stupidity DOES NOT HELP.

This has all been thrown in your lap. Some things you can influence....and some you can not. All these things fall into the realms of "Nothing you can do"....and in such instances....being utterly kind to yourself...and allowing all the feelings to rise and fall until you get through is all you can do.

I wish I could help you. I wish I had some answers....or smart ideas. But all I have is support....total and complete...given wholeheartedly.

[overwhelmed]

I'm trying, I really am.  And right now, the best I can do is be honest with the pull I'm having.  Also, to just sit with it, not act on it.....this is my best. 

I do try to think of tricks......I feel dirty after my mind goes there.....at the same time, to think all moral or on the up and up, won't get me far with this man.  The best idea I have is to tell N before I'd "try again...." we'd have to have a settlement, a signed agreement and in that agreement, if he and I didn't work, it WILL  say I live in MD.  He will have liberal visitation.  Do I think he'd do it?  maybe......if I could pull it off right.  N is suddenly dumb when he thinks I'm in "N is the best thing ever" mode.  I guess because he agrees or needs to hear it or is blind to life/himself/all when he's getting adored.  He signs.....of course, I'd probably have to be one foot in the door.....he signs and I'm out.  could I do it?  probably not because I'd feel guilty for being so dirty and that's so crazy.  That may sound totally irrational but I know, deep in me and know all to well, what makes that man tick. 

At the same time, I know it's dangerous trying to play N games.  Heck, probably cheaper though......but not on my value system.  Don't know what to do but sit.  Wish I could bring myself to be dirty.  wish it very much.  perhaps this is why I feel that pull.....an opportunity I've thought of many times but didn't persue.....probably a little bit of everything rolled up into one big mess.

[JennyWren]

An N is the master of games. That is not to say they can not be beaten.

On the other hand...I find that the minute I try to be who I am not...i fall flat on my ar$e.

IF you feel that a deal is the way...you will need to take your time...and consider every single possibility. Because an N looks at things so skewy...it is sometimes hard to see what they find glaringly obvious.

It seems maybe your problem is that going through the Court system will be stressful...though likely get him out of your hair...but not get you living where you want to be.

I can see why you have a conflict here.

He will want to avoid Court...and avoid prison. But...he is a dangerous man. I don`t need to tell you that.

It`s late here....and I`m not making sense to myself...let alone you. So just to say...hang on in there. You don`t HAVE to do anything. And you must take your time to work out how to do what feels right all the way through.