For Your Safety (please read)

[CZBZ]

WoN is a special place, it's your place.Members have created a safe community for you to speak honestly about your life. To express yourself, whatever you are feeling. Even feelings that make other people (let's call them civilians) uncomfortable; like when you're negative, a 'downer' a real pain in the arse. WoN is a community of peers that have worked very hard reclaiming themselves from ignorance about the narcissistic personality. We can't just learn about narcissism and suddenly get better. We have to work at it, talk about our experiences, share, care and participate.

I am sure other people will back me up on this, but if you really want to 'get over' the pathological relationship, posting with fellow board members will facilitate your process--with or without therapy. As a member of WoN, you will benefit most IF you join our conversations and talk about your life. If you let yourself trust just a little bit, your risk will be rewarded ten-fold. I think everyone here will back me up on that, too.

Once you have become accustomed to posting on a forum, or perhaps you are no longer concerned about your anonymity, you can be more open about  personal information. If you are in the process of divorce, please do not use any identifying information that might complicate your case. In order to protect your privacy online (I know how frightening it is to Break the Silence and start talking), here are a few suggestions:

1) Never use real names. Not yours, the pathologicals, or your children's real names

2) Never  post the name of your city or town. Letting people know which country you live in is up to you

3) Disguise yourself by changing the number of children you have, their sex, or other identifying information

4) Don't use the actual name of your workplace if you are employed

5) People cannot access your 'profile' page on WoN. We have done this intentionally. Profile pages belong on Facebook.  Your email is not available to board members unless you give it to them

6) As the forum manager, I recommend using caution in any private exchange with other board members until you have had time to get to know them on the forum. And please, do not exchange phone numbers until you've spent time talking with this person on the board

7) Never list the url to any blog, facebook page, or website that will 'track' our WoN address and possibly compromise your anonymity. What most people do not realize is that each time you visit a website, the owner of that website may have access to your location (your isp). They may also have access to the website you came from prior to visiting their site. So if you are, for example, visiting your narcissistic X's blog about 'spiritual transformation', make sure you open a new window/tab before visiting his or her website. If you go to their website directly from WoN, our url may appear on their blog listings. That makes it easier for him or her to find you, although even then, you are likely 'safe' if you've disguised your identity.

8) Always Always Always email me if you are concerned about your safety on our forum. If you have received any private messages making requests for your time and/or money, please contact me immediately. We do not allow donations, contributions, or advertising on our website. If you receive ads from forum members via private messaging, please contact me immediately: wonmanagers@yahoo.com

9) At the bottom of our page is a section titled Forum Decorum. Please browse this comprehensive section of the forum if you have further questions or concerns


It is rare that a pathological person finds a WoN forum member via internet searches. In fact, as far as I know, this has never happened. Our forum's software reduces the number of messages picked up by search engine spiders. Still and nonetheless, it could happen.

When a pathological HAS discovered someone on the forum, it was because of compromised email accounts. Or a member left a print-out from the forum where the N could find it. In my case, I used my nickname as my screenname. I am really 'duh', aren't I? Well, I kept posting anyway because the benefits outweighed the repercussions. So (I prolly don't need to tell any of you this): Never Use your nickname as your screenname. 

Any questions you'd like me to answer? Or experiences you've had online? I feel that our FEAR of being stalked is over-exaggerated because we are afraid to say anything 'bad' about the N. And yet, there is no forum on the entire planet that can guarantee 100% that your posts won't be discovered. The advantage of WoN is that we are relatively small with tens of thousands of messages over the years. If you have taken precautions disguising your identity, you can pretty much rest assured that the N will not wade through all those messages in order to find you.

The most likely scenario for being 'traced' is your personal computer history and your email account. If you do not know how to erase your computer history and you share your computer with the 'N', google for information pertinent to your computer.

Any questions? I'd love for more 'newbies' to post...posting IS the best way to help yourself learn about narcissism and apply this information to your life. It is also a stabilizing influence for us when we are 'disconnecting' from narcissistic relationships. 

Love to all,
CZ

[overwhelmed]

Great tips. I remember being scared once. Then getting scared to not post. But, I did again and am so glad. Therapy is great but in that hour, I don't get near the perging I do here. Lets face it, after a relationship with this type person, there's lots to get rid of, steps back and more.

[CZBZ]

You bet, overwhelmed! Some of us find a new story to tell even ten years later. Who would listen but other 'veterans'? I never get tired of Cluster B Stories, when they're told from the heart, that is. Not some emotionless description of personality disorders 101. It's safer to remove oneself from the nitty gritty of the situation and talk about it through our heads. What really heals and informs others at the same time, is writing from the heart.

Most people are frightened that their messages will be discovered. I had this uncanny fear that if I started talking about narcissistic family members, God's great hand would smite me from the earth. Yea. I had a lot of baggage to unpack. Ns and Ps and Cluster Bs depend on us silencing ourselves. Why? cuz it works.

“We have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.” ~Audrey Lorde

It's a real act of rebellion when we refuse to keep secrets. It is scary, though and we might transfer our fear to posting on a forum.

"The "No-Talk Rule" is the foundation upon which all abusive structures are built...It is simple and brilliant. Whatever most needs to be discussed, whatever problem is most urgent, pressing and real, is placed under conversational interdict. We Will Not Speak Of This.

"...The idea is that as long as people are prohibited from talking about X, their ability to think about X, define it, understand it is severely curtailed. Their ability to actually do anything productive about X, of course, is completely pre-empted, since they can neither think nor talk about it effectively if at all." ~ Stormchild

[Rosemary]

Thankyou for the tips CZ ,i always use a new tab its just something i do every time .

this has been my therapy as im  still waiting to see .Ive been told i can go to a group starting this feb at local college on an evening for 6 weeks its called " Stresspac " you get a selfhelp manual  at the begginning  and they teach you each week about controlling thoughts /actions/future/body/etc etc .

Ihave enjoyed the group therapy on here very much and its helped me  enormously  ,im now a HERO i see yayay
thankyou for this site CZ 
rosemary x     

[CZBZ]

Dear Rosemary,

You ARE a hero!

It doesn't seem that long ago when you first stumbled on our forum! and here you are today, taking care of yourself and clear as a bell!

In order to get better, we have to talk. We must talk. We strengthen one another when we talk. Getting all those crazy thoughts out of our heads and onto a message is liberating. It restores our sanity! I had so many bizarre thoughts in my head that as long as they stayed there, they seemed plausible and real. Once I'd write them down though, they were completely ridiculous AND powerless!

I didn't always "Post" my message...just writing it was relief enough!

I'm so glad you found our forum. You have really taken advantage of this amazing place and already, supported other people's process, too. I figure you're one of us---a true giver. 

Hugs,
CZ

[Chime]

wow - hadn't really thought of some of these things.
duh!
thanks for posting this topic.
now I am wondering if I have stated anything risky
hmmm...

Chime

[CZBZ]

Hi Chime,

The biggest risk is sharing a computer with the person you are writing about. Or, using a screenname that can be googled. Like CZBZ.  Should your screenname be entered in a search engine, I'd imagine a trillion links would come up.

Along with the risk of sharing a computer with the narcissist, an even bigger risk is yourself. why? Because we find it hard to keep 'narcissism' to ourselves when we first discover an answer to all the relational problems we've had with that person. Some people have talked with the narcissist and suggested he or she learn about NPD which makes it easier to trace YOU on on the Internet. I know people's intentions are pure and they want so much to save their relationship and help the narcissist, that they compromise their own private oasis...it's kinda what we do. I talked with my X-husbaNd about narcissism becasue I was absolutely sure that if he knew what was 'wrong' with him, he'd want to make it right. hahaha!!!

Please people...if you are thinking about doing that, go shopping. Or ride a horse. Make baskets. Cut paperdolls out of magazines. But please do not tell the narcissist that he or she is a narcissist and PLEASE, do not give them the url to YOUR safe place. 


hugs,
CZ

[Chime]

no, I haven't tried to talk to him about his issues,
nor do I share this computer with anyone,
but... 
I wonder if there is a way to see all of my own posts?
Chime

[CZBZ]

If you click on your screenname (left sidebar), does it pull up your profile page? If it does, you can click 'show posts' and see what you've written. Let me know if you can access your profile page or not.

You can also run a search at the top of our webpage, designating your screenname as the user.

CZ
 

[Chime]

This is good 
thanks so much CZ!

Chime

[Liftedup]

Remember to erase history.

I erase it everytime I leave here.

Don't want him finding what I write.

Also do a delete cookies after leaving Facebook and logging out to avoid being tracked here too.

[NewWings4MeNow]

As an Old Timer, I'd just like to chime in here that, when CZ first invited me to this forum, I, too, was scared to post anything resembling real or true.  For years I posted referring to "d" as "s" and, eventually, started slipping so folks were asking whether I had a d or an s as it became too cumbersome to keep up.  But initially I think it was the right thing to do, as CZ has recommended above.

XNPH is/was a computer guy and I feared that he'd perhaps put tracking SW on my computer (right at our split eight years ago).  That ended up not being true -- or, at least, I've never found any evidence of it nor has he made ANY references at all to having "hidden" or private information about me.

Then he joined an online security company at VP level and I really thought I might be exposed/hosed, and that he would/could trace my activity somehow and use it against me at some inopportune moment.  That ended up not being the case, including his statement last year to d that he knew "secrets" about me that I wouldn't want to have revealed in court -- this certainly hasn't been his stance in court this past week ....

Through time I've posted everything, without specifics but with general hints at them.  As a legal digital paper trail if anything untoward were to happen to me ....  And this archive has come to provide a wealth of valuable information as documentation -- even for eventually publishing a book about my story (done gradually in moments when the writing/compiling of it isn't too triggering), if nothing else. 

Each WoN visitor and participant knows his/her own situation, players and risk level, so for each person whatever exposure they choose is great as long as it works for them. 

I'm writing all this to say that, done over again, I'd take the chance of posting and recommend it.  It's helped save my sanity and my life, as I've said on WoN many times through the years, and has shown me where/how I've been troubled, ignorant, uneducated and in need of help, guidance, a swift kick and/or a serious tune-up, new approach, or at least a glass of wine.

With gratitude,

NewWings4MeNow