"I love you".....what does the N mean?

[JennyWren]

Oaaah! TOO GOOD!! And very quick!

VERY emotive words again. And I`m sure you`re bang on. "Sorry" is a very special word for Ns.....it is their "Get out of jail free" card. And I am CERTAIN they don`t conceive the same meaning normal contrite humans do.

Hurt...as you say....is something they do relate to...but we are not allowed that one.

And of course Respect.....all should respect their mighty wonders. That`s another one we aren`t allowed.

Here`s one.....what about the word "Happy"....I often wonder whether that one registers meaningfully on the N-ometer. And "Contentment" Do they know what that even is?

[Rosemary]

They certainly dont know what    "caring "   is or means caring for caring about .unless its themselves of course .

[Julia]

XN wouldn't say he loved me. I related most to More's post on this, her XN sounds like he trained her to not expect any statement of love and punished her if she asked. I would ask XN if he loved me about every 4 years. Several of those times he answered, sarcastically, in a screeching Yiddish accent ..."I'm your wife!" like in the Fiddler on the Roof. And when I asked again he would repeat that, but never give a real answer. In the musical, the wife's response is that she has taken care of his washing, cooking, etc, she has slaved away for him, so yes, she supposes that she loves him (despite having an arranged marriage). It is really a very sweet song, and I took it to mean that he felt that sweetness and unspoken devotion for me too: XN as a loveable oaf, yet again. Now though, it feels a lot more like projection and taunting, the drip of his very covert emotional abuse.

Julia

[JennyWren]

Ouch! Julia....you mention on another thread how your N may sound tame. But whenever you post stuff he has said/done...he sounds the most chilling covert corrosive cold bazturd. Sorry to be a little blunt. 

BigBird would generally announce he "Loved" me when he had (finally) affirmed his most awesome  abilities in the bedroom. I don`t recall him saying it any other time. To him....I think that WAS love. Perhaps he took the phrase "Making Love" a little literally. 

The only other time I really recall his speaking of "Love" was when he wrote endless professions of how he didn`t want to go off with mad-gf any more...because he had realised that he did in fact love ME.

[Never again]

Hmm ..

'Happy' was generally used in the sentence 'I just want to make you happy', to which I would reply, 'Don't worry about making me happy, just please stop being so nasty as to make me unhappy!'

Happy
Common usages: You make me so happy, I make you so happy
N meaning: Emotion that can be engendered and controlled in others with words such as 'love' and 'need'


'Contentment'? No, I would say not. El bastardo was a grump of enormous proportions. Example: His sister travelled over 100 miles after work to be at his mid-week 50th birthday party and he complained for weeks afterwards that she had arrived half an hour late. Yeah, life with el bastardo was a laugh a minute.

Content
Common usages: Ns never use this word
N meaning: Lack of drama. Emotional death.

[MoreMyself]

Happy?  The Hobbit was happy when he won over somebody else.  So his definition was "I win, therefore I'm better than you and that makes me happy".

Contentment, absolutely not.  For me contentment is acceptance in its widest definition.  Not just of everything you have accomplished, built, collected but also of who you are.  How can an N have this when they have a facade and can never know or reveal who they truly are?

[Never again]

More seriously on the L word ..

I think that, like Pearls' xnh, el bastardo probably initially used the L word in a sincere kind of a way. And, if I'm honest, I probably used it in the same way as he did - I love being in love, I love that you love me, I love that I've found my soulmate, I love the sex, I love the excitement of it all  ... We were telling each other we loved each other after only a few weeks (he started!). In retrospect, it seems so ridiculous - we were total strangers.

Now I think to love is at least two fundamental things: to know and to care. We have to know to be able to love because loving means loving the whole person with all their vagaries. In fact perhaps we love the vagaries most of all. Before I met el bastardo, I knew this feeling, but only in relation to old friends and some of my siblings. I still love in this sense - I just have this all-enveloping positive feeling about them, even if they drive me mad sometimes (I presume this is something similar to what you parents feel for your children). And I care about them. In short, I'm happy for them when they're happy, and I hurt when they hurt. But I still don't know what real, true, healthy, mature love feels like in a couple.

With el bastardo, I cared from the beginning to the end (now I don't anymore), so that aspect of love was a given from the start. But the more I got to know him, the less I 'loved' him. He wasn't a nice person, not even apparently. He didn't have a very well-functioning mask. People generally didn't like him - I could see it even in strangers, not to mention the less discreet amongst my friends. And I came to dislike him very much, I didn't like the way he treated me, or his daughter, or his dog, or his family, or the disparaging way he spoke about the next-door neighbours and his workmates, etc. etc.. So I gradually stopped loving him (even though I realise now it wasn't really love in the first place ...) and at the same time I stopped telling him I loved him. (I still remained addicted for quite a while though ..).

He, on the other hand, didn't care about me (or anyone else, except perhaps his daughter, who was his property) and didn't know me, or care to know me, and yet he continued to tell me he loved me even as he was cultivating new supply and lying to me.

I have no conclusion to announce to any of that. I just needed to say it.

[JennyWren]

Maybe love IS difficult to define. For me....it is very much a feeling like no other. That I can not bear the object of my love to be hurting....I hurt with them. If they are happy....I am overjoyed. I feel inspired to support them in their goals and aims...to hold a hand out if they fall....to cheer when they succeed. And yet...because this feeling is very selfless...it does not demand reciprocal behaviour. It revels in it....grows in it...yearns for it. But does not require it.

I think my love of BigBird was slowly strangled and smoothered. It drowned in it`s own sad tears. I never recognised until it was too late...I was not loved. And...subconsciously...because he did not love me...I found I myself unworthy of love.

Rather like Never again...I just wanted to say. That`s all.

[Imogene]

Oh, you wanted a serious answer?

X kept insisting that he loved me, even during the d&d.  It made me feel deficient, rather than aware that he was lying, for some reason.  I have to discuss that with my therapist.  People's words have enormous power over me.  I really seem to believe that I am the only person in the world who tells lies. 

Never Again, your post resonates in the sense that X said he loved me first and in the sense that, as relative strangers, we were more in love with our mutual intensity than anything else.  I was terrified of saying it back, afraid that he wouldn't repeat the sentiment or that I'd misunderstood.  Yuck.  I hate looking back on our honeymoon phase.  The way he behaved during the d&d poisoned any good feelings I once had about him. 

[alatariel]

Now I think to love is at least two fundamental things: to know and to care. We have to know to be able to love because loving means loving the whole person with all their vagaries. In fact perhaps we love the vagaries most of all. Before I met el bastardo, I knew this feeling, but only in relation to old friends and some of my siblings. I still love in this sense - I just have this all-enveloping positive feeling about them, even if they drive me mad sometimes (I presume this is something similar to what you parents feel for your children). And I care about them. In short, I'm happy for them when they're happy, and I hurt when they hurt. But I still don't know what real, true, healthy, mature love feels like in a couple.

I have no idea what "love" for another adult looks like.  Obviously, what I felt for dickhead wasn't love, it was some twisted codependent need.  He feels "love", but what he loves are himself first and his booze second.  Sure, he liked the fact that I made his life easier for him, stood by him, slept with him, and took all his emotional abuse in the name of "love", but he saw that as his due.  I'm sure he "loves" what he sees of himself in the kids.

I do love my kids.  I'd give my life for them.  I put them first, even putting their wants ahead of my needs.  I love all of them, even the parts that aren't as lovable, b/c I know them and care about them.  They're not extensions of me, they're people, too, with their own personalities and lives.  I like to do little things that make them smile, like putting a note in their lunches that says, "mom loves you", or buying their favorite snacks.  I like to spend time with them, whether we're just watching a movie or playing games or doing crafts.

[Never again]

If only all parents loved their kids like you do, Ala. Thanks for sharing that.

[Rosemary]

I feel like alatariel, the only real love ive ever had has been offa my kids ,i love them all too. They are my life although they dont live with me anymore . We can talk about anything and everything ,we listen to each other ,and help each  other through our troubles .

I had such a bad homelife , i swore my kids wouldnt feel the lonliness of being unloved .so i put all my efforts into  .
that end
The best love i have is the innocent love of my youngest baby grandson who hugs me everytime he sees me ,he seems to realise i need a hug ,and that certainly brightens my days .   Thats real love to me ,,,,,, not some sad  bazturd like

 the stbxnh you didnt know the meaning and never will know the meaning of love.

[alatariel]

  Awwww, Rosemary, you're a great mom.  And baby hugs are the best hugs in the world, b/c babies don't have any ulterior motives, they just hug you b/c they like to.